Top 48 Police Humor Quotes
#1. Great idea," I said. "Call the police. Call the fucking police.
Ava Gardner
#2. I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
Ilie Nastase
#3. Like journalists. The police have an extremely sick sense of humor, very guarded, very private, very male, which they need to survive on an everyday level. I don't think anyone has ever managed to tap that on the screen - it would actually be too shocking.
Helen Mirren
#4. I had received a t-shirt from my best friend Veronica at my police academy graduation. It reads, 'Throw your donut in the opposite direction and the cops won't get you.' I love wearing that t-shirt.
Suzie Ivy
#5. So you have a choice. You can leave quietly or I can call the police after I wang you with my stapler.
Nicole Hamlett
#6. I added to my mental list of the odd things I'd done that day. I'd entertained the police, sunbathed, visited at a mall with some fairies, weeded and killed someone. Now it was powdered-corpse removal time. And the day wasn't over yet.
Charlaine Harris
#7. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Tommy Cooper
#8. The study of the victim is called victimology because everything sounds better with and ology tacked on the end.
Ben Aaronovitch
#9. A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Dennis Miller
#10. The police, finding a corpse with twenty-eight stab wounds in a bathtub, suspected foul play.
Tim Kreider
#11. No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
Terry Pratchett
#12. I hear the police did a biopsy."
"You mean autopsy," I said.
"Whatever.
Suzanne M. Trauth
#13. Tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother ... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
Derek Landy
#15. Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers." She slapped my back. "Welcome to high school.
Harlan Coben
#16. We were aiming for a cross between Kafka and Orwell, which just goes to show how dangerous it can be when your police officers are better read than you are.
Ben Aaronovitch
#17. Despite my mum being from a small village in the middle of a forest, I'm not a country person. I don't like my bacon sandwich to be curiously snuffling at my fingers. But sometimes being police means holding your breath and fondling a pig.
Ben Aaronovitch
#18. I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'
If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?
Terry Pratchett
#19. Don't love the job kid. The Job is a whore, and she won't love you back.
James J. Kavanaugh
#20. Hey police? I just saw the world's oldest, slowest kid climbing into Pleasantview Cemetery. Looked like he was dying to get in. Yeah, looked like a grave matter to me. Kidding? Oh no, I'm in dead earnest. Maybe you ought to dig into it.
Stephen King
#21. Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.'
'They didn't!'
'They did.'
'When?'
'Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds.
Sandra Balzo
#22. In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.
David Thorne
#23. It's a truism in policing that witnesses and statements are fine, but nothing beats empirical physical evidence. Actually it isn't a truism because most policemen think the word 'empirical' is something to do with Darth Vader, but it damn well should be.
Ben Aaronovitch
#24. Police work can grind a man down, mentally, more than physically. I sensed that it is because of the hours of tedium and boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror.
James J. Kavanaugh
#25. If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car
Judy Gold
#26. Logan, you Cavanaughs are like one-stop shopping. Police protection, legal counsel, dinner and last rites - it's all taken care of in one neat little package. Unbelievable!
Marie Ferrarella
#27. Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, police grammar on the Internet.
Ruadhan J. McElroy
#28. In other words, he looked like uniformed police hotness, and she wasn't entirely uninterested in being cuffed. Wait. That's a bad thought. I don't mean it. She took him in again, her throat suddenly dry. Well, she didn't exactly not mean it, but she knew better than to want it.
Cindi Madsen
#29. If a police officer arrests a mime, does he need to tell him he has the right to remain silent.
Jess Walter
#30. You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#31. Commissioner Marlowe stood on the platform with his arms crossed as we disembarked. He had the cheerful demeanor of someone who has been beaten about the face all night with a sock full of porridge--only even more so than usual.
William Ritter
#32. Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code ... he turned himself in.
Rita Rudner
#33. The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
Chic Murray
#34. Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police - preferably in writing.
John Irving
#35. A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
Craig Ferguson
#36. My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Chelsea Handler
#37. You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
Steve Harvey
#38. As I've already mentioned, 1984 and I were getting on famously. A no-frills setup, run without sentiment, snobbery or cultural favouritism, Airstrip One seemed like my kind of town. (I saw myself as an idealistic young corporal in the Thought Police.)
Martin Amis
#39. To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back.
...
Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual.
William Ritter
#41. I have lots of faith," the fallen angel said as he crouched down and coaxed the dog closer. "I have faith that this is a bad idea. She's not going to belive you. She's going to think we're nuts. She's going to call the police unless she has a record, and if she does she'll run away.
Kim Harrison
#42. If you drive down there," I said, "he'll just escape the other way. That's what he's counting on. You have to walk down there, point your gun at him, and yell at him in that charming way you have.
Jennifer Echols
#43. With his arm back around Gavin's waist, Brad suddenly seemed very determined to get to their destination. Gavin was curious about it until he saw the restaurant. With rainbow flags hanging on either side of the sign mounted on the roof, it sort of looked like home base in a game of gay tag.
Kele Moon
#44. I asked you here today because the police department asked me to assess your mental health."
I huffed and rolled my eyes. "Already? Seriously? It's been a week." I am fucking sunshine.
Devon Ashley
#45. It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
Stephen Colbert
#46. My neighbours porch light flickered on. My eyes darted down the street.
"Can we go inside before someone calls the police?" I asked.
"I am the police," Nathan reminded me.
Elicia Hyder
#47. THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
George Carlin
#48. My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
Anthony Jeselnik
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