Top 81 Old Joke Sayings
#1. There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment.
Alistair Begg
#2. As we left they told us the old joke. To start a journey in a sandstorm is good luck.
Michael Ondaatje
#3. And the look on her face as she opened the door Was like an old joke told by a friend. It'd taken ten more years but she'd found her smile And I watched the corners start to bend.
Harry Chapin
#4. There's an old joke that politics is Hollywood for ugly people. An awful lot of the press coverage about Washington reads like coverage of Hollywood. Madonna is having some spat with Sean Penn. Who cares? And who cares which politician is mad at that politician?
Ted Cruz
#5. The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction.
Robin Williams
#6. And now he was down there with Roger and the slut. Which was unfair, but it was how she found herself thinking of Xela more and more. How's that old joke go? she thought. The difference between a nymph and a slut? A nymph sleeps with everyone. A slut sleeps with everyone except you.
Peter Clines
#7. You ever hear that old joke about the guy who jumped off the Empire State Building?" D.W. asked her. "Yeah. All the way down, you could hear him say, 'So far, so good. So far, so good. So far, so good.' That is George's life story in a nutshell.
Mary Doria Russell
#8. Nigerians are everywhere. There's an old joke, particularly about the Ibos, that when you finally land on Mars, you're going to find a Nigerian there who has a shop that is selling Coca-Cola
who took a speculative trip 20 years ago and has been waiting for everyone else to arrive.
Chris Abani
#9. dot-com flameouts that erroneously believed that they could lose money on each customer but, as the old joke goes, make it up in volume.
Eric Ries
#10. I could become like that dyslexic agnostic in the old joke - the one who lies in bed and tries to figure out if his dog exists.
Anne Lamott
#11. Because, as we are told - a sad old joke, too - Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to.
Bill Vaughan
#12. You've no idea how good an old joke sounds when you take it out again after a rest of five or six hundred years.
C.S. Lewis
#13. As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic.
Michelle Bachelet
#14. Is anything wrong, dear? the old joke went.
No, why?
You moved.
Just don't move.
Margaret Atwood
#15. People who don't like cats haven't been around them. There's the old joke: dogs have masters, cats have staff.
Betty White
#16. There was an old joke. Miller didn't remember where he'd heard it. Girl's at her own father's funeral, meets this really cute guy. They talk, hit it off, but he leaves before she can get his number. Girl doesn't know how to track the guy down. So a week later, she kills her mom. Big laugh.
James S.A. Corey
#17. There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."
Larry The Cable Guy
#18. Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.
Howie Carr
#19. The old joke is that psychiatrists are doctors who can't stand the sight of blood. Maybe they can't stand it, but if they work where I work, they damn well better get used to it.
At least surgeons and prizefighters get to wear gloves
Mike Bartos
#20. My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.
Sarah Silverman
#21. There was an old joke - it's not the fall that kills you but the abrupt stop.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#22. TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD STUDENT: "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." TEXAN: "OK, where are you from, jackass?" - Variation on an old joke
Ammon Shea
#23. According to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm.
Dinah Maria Murlock Craik
#24. There's an old joke that you know you're in heaven if the cooks are Italian and the engineering is German. If it's the other way around you're in hell.
David Byrne
#25. There's an old joke about Alzheimer's: the good news is that you meet new people every day.
Stephen King
#26. It was on old joke among underfed, angry sailors that should mutiny fail, the weight of their bodies would not be enough to hang them.
Marcus Rediker
#27. You know that old joke about the guy who lives to be 104? The punch line goes something like 'If I knew I was gonna get this old, I'd have taken much better care of myself.' Well, guess what? We actually are living longer, and the time to start taking care of ourselves is right this minute.
Oprah Winfrey
#28. You know the old joke: with communism the future is certain, it's just the past that keeps changing?
Patrick McGuinness
#29. There's an old joke about a mother watching a column of soldiers pass by. Her son is in the ranks. All those men out of step, she says, except our Fred.
Kevin Pietersen
#30. Never more then two, I told her once. I repeat an old joke about why martinis are like a women's breasts; one is never enough and three are too many
Charles Dubow
#31. One is reminded of the old joke about the centipede who was asked how he managed to coordinate his 100 legs : He started thinking about it and could never walk properly again.
Paul Krugman
#32. The old joke was Mitch Leigh, land baron, barren land.
Mitch Leigh
#33. Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio's father was a carpenter too. That's the old joke.
Robin Williams
#34. Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.
Ivan Turgenev
#35. Medicine is a very old joke, but it still goes on.
Andre Maurois
#36. It reminds me of an old joke: What did the Zombie say to the whore?"
I looked at him blankly. "Um ... what?"
He winked. "Keep the tip.
Diana Rowland
#37. But there was a saying in Hebrew, "We survived Pharoah, we'll survive this too." In the words of the old joke, it was the theme of every Jewish holiday: they tried to kill us, they failed, so let's eat!
John Connolly
#38. It is an old baseball joke that big-inning baseball is affirmed in the Bible, in Genesis. In the big inning, God created ...
George Will
#39. Honus was a wonderful fellow, so good-natured and friendly to everyone. Gee, we loved that guy. And the fans were crazy about him. Yeah, everybody loved that old Dutchman! If anyone told a good joke or a funny story, Honus would slap his knee and let out a loud roar and say, "What about that!" So
Lawrence S. Ritter
#40. I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There's a joy in discovering a bad joke ... and then there's the joy of delivering it like, 'Isn't this a hacky joke?'
Andy Kindler
#41. remember this old Zen joke, "Don't just do something, sit there!" I can think of no better market advice when you are feeling emotional.
Palgrave Macmillan Trade
#42. Is that another sort of joke?" asked the old man. "You've no excuse for being bored anywhere. When I was your age I had never heard of such a thing.
Henry James
#43. I sometimes joke that I am the first writer of historical fiction who can look out his window and point to the objects in his novels. I have a view of the entrance to the Bosporus, the old city, Hagia Sophia, the Blue Mosque.
Orhan Pamuk
#44. Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
Jack Benny
#45. My friends joke I'm a 90-year-old stuck in a young man's body.
Douglas Booth
#47. You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.
Doug Benson
#48. My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die.
Tommy Tran
#49. I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world.
Will Rogers
#50. Korean feminism has been swept away by popular culture. It became a sort of old-fashioned trend or a joke.
Kim Hyesoon
#51. I've always been into leopard print. No joke, when I was 14 years old I wanted my entire room to be covered in it.
Kim Kardashian
#52. The most consistent characteristic of awakened teachers and people I have met is a childlike nature. They laugh, cry, twinkle, and joke, all with a spontaneity born of freedom. Their faces are fluid and reflect a timeless sweetness, even into old age.
Catherine Ingram
#53. Ain't nothing too serious. Even death is a joke on the old devil, if we are living for the Lord.
Nancy B. Brewer
#54. In 1975, I left the burning city of Beirut for the quiet insanity of England. To say that short, frail and wispy 15-year-old me didn't fit in would be such an understatement as to be a joke.
Rabih Alameddine
#55. Ahmed Sinai never forgave his son for breaking his toe. Even after the splint was removed, a tiny limp remained. My father leaned over my crib and said, "So, my son: you're starting as you mean to go on. Already you've started bashing your poor old father!" In my opinion, this was only half a joke.
Salman Rushdie
#56. An old racetrack joke reminds you that your program contains all the winners' names. I stare at my typewriter keys with the same thought.
Mignon McLaughlin
#57. You know, 'The Golden Girls' was a very unusual show to start on. I was young, and it was a show about old people, and it was a very traditional show, but it was also an amazing training ground for a joke-writer. It forced me to learn those skills.
Mitchell Hurwitz
#58. I was always interested in comedy, like when I was 5 years old. I watched 'I Love Lucy' and 'Benny Hill.' I would always joke around with my sister. My mom was into comedy, too. She would go to the video store and get a couple of movies and some stand-up comedians' tapes.
Ron Funches
#59. I used to tell myself when I was much younger that I didn't want to wake up one day and be 32 years old and still playing records. It's just not going to happen. Well, the joke is on me, because I'm 56 years old now.
Frankie Knuckles
#60. [When] you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness.
Gwyneth Paltrow
#61. I'm very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for them is not very long, and the joke becomes old news very quickly.
Tim Heidecker
#62. I like to joke that I already married a 26-year-old and divorced a 29-year-old, so I wasn't going to do that again when I got remarried.
Grant Show
#63. There is an old Belfast joke about the man stopped at a roadblock and asked his religion. When he replies that he is an atheist he is asked, Protestant or Catholic atheist?
Christopher Hitchens
#64. I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age, telling the same joke again and again. Especially if they're jokes that don't make people laugh.
Simon Le Bon
#65. Why can't a 'bania' play hockey or football for India? Because every time he gets a corner, he opens a shop! - Old Indian Joke
Ashutosh Garg
#66. If someone tells you you're crazy enough times, eventually it becomes true. It's that old psychiatrist's joke: insanity's all in your head.
Madeleine Roux
#67. Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
Ken Dodd
#68. How many Lojbanists does it take to change a broken
light-bulb?" goes the old Lojban joke. "Two: one to decide
what to change it into and one to decide what kind of bulb
emits broken light.
Arika Okrent
#69. I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring.
Howard Stern
#70. If you do a joke that's really old, then what happens is people on Reddit and Twitter just go, 'Real original, you're just doing old jokes!' But bands do it all the time.
Chris Hardwick
#71. Left with an oncoming headache, went home, and that's verified, to his wife and six-month-old baby. He's three weeks into a big, fat raise and promotion. He doesn't fit for me."
"Lucky for Whistler, and likely his mother?"
"What? Why?"
"Weak joke. So back to your corporate trio.
J.D. Robb
#72. It's the old elephant hunter joke, where a guy asserts he's the local elephant hunter, you respond that there aren't any elephants around there, and he, of course, says 'Yeah, see how good I am?
Ryk E. Spoor
#73. Eddie remembered the punchline of an old New York joke: "Pardon me, sir, can you tell me how to get to City Hall, or should I just go fuck myself?
Stephen King
#74. Old physicist joke: they knew that the approach worked in practice, but could they make it work in theory?
Walter Isaacson
#75. The joke seemed to be that once they were very young and now they were very old, and that they had been the same day after day and were somehow at the end of it all so utterly changed. In a calm, affectionate way they studied each other. Ames
Marilynne Robinson
#76. Pan took the joke good-naturedly, probably deciding it wasn't a good idea to argue with a fifteen-year-old who had just pulled two people up ten feet.
Grace Anthony
#77. There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it's not so much a good joke anymore. 'Everybody's from Scranton; no one's in Scranton.'
Joe Biden
#78. As and old (and clandestine) Soviet joke used to express it, the problem with the past...is that it is always so unpredictable.
Francis X. Blouin
#79. Consider the Jewish joke, with the old lady running distractedly along the seashore: Help! My son the doctor is drowning. Amusing, I suppose. Her pride, I suppose, is amusing: it is greater than her love.
Martin Amis
#80. An old paleontological in joke proclaims that mammalian evolution is a tale told by teeth mating to produce slightly altered descendant teeth.
Stephen Jay Gould
#81. This wise old whiskery fish swims up to three young fish and goes, 'Morning, boys, how's the water?' and swims away; and the three young fish watch him swim away and look at each other and go, 'What the fuck is water?' and swim away.
David Foster Wallace
