Top 74 Humor Lies Quotes
#1. So I didn't have time to craft artful lies and evasions even if I'd wanted to.
Anthony Bourdain
#2. You wear your armor even to dinner, Lady Wilhelmina?"
"Of course I wear armor. I am sitting with a pirate, a mercenary, an adventurer, and a bounder. If a shot is not fired tonight, I daresay that your reputations are nothing but lies.
Meljean Brook
#3. There is such a thing as a hatred of lies and dissimulation, which is the outcome of a delicate sense of humor; there is also the selfsame hatred but as the result of cowardice, in so far as falsehood is forbidden by Divine law. Too cowardly to lie.
Friedrich Nietzsche
#4. The symbologist made a cryptic sign. That remains to be seen, as the cat said who voided into the sugar bowl.
Jack Vance
#5. In a world of full of manipulation, half-truths and lies, the conspiracy theory is often a safer bet than the official story.
Gary Hopkins
#6. Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.
Lily Tomlin
#7. I do not like an injurious lie, except when it injures somebody else.
Mark Twain
#8. To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.
Val Edward Simone
#9. Magoo's appeal lies in our hostility toward an older generation. But he's not only nearsighted physically. His mind is selective of what it sees, too. That is where the humor, the satire lies, in the difference between what he thinks he sees and reality as we see it.
Jim Backus
#10. I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.
Aleister Crowley
#11. Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. "Boys are like candy," she suddenly says. I grin. "Really, Mom? That's your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens?
Rucy Ban
#12. He said that he was sure you would be amendable to this course of action." April paused, eyes widening, before she said indignantly, "I believe he may have lied to me!
Seanan McGuire
#13. Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde
#14. Under that smiling exterior," Casey said ominously as we took our seats, "lies the soul of a ruthless killer.
Robin Brande
#15. I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.
F Scott Fitzgerald
#16. Ugh. You're being ... you."
"Was that in English?"
"This is all your fault."
"Nope. Definitely not English."
"You're being all hot and sexy, dammit," she said. She banged her head on his chest a few times. "And I can't seem to ... not notice said hotness and sexiness.
Jill Shalvis
#17. Lord love you," Ms. Eulalie said, "but you tell lies like Ms. Franny sings: hard to listen to and even harder to believe.
Kristin Walker
#18. Something tells me you were never a Girl Scout.
Gwenda Bond
#19. We fiction writers are a brazen lot, are we not? For we, in our passion, embrace just enough truth to consecrate our delicately contrived lies.
Val Edward Simone
#20. I know. That sounds like a lie. But Presbyterians know that every so often a lie isn't all that bad, and I figured that this was about the best place it could happen.
Gary D. Schmidt
#21. I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments
Albert Einstein
#22. Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself
Andrew Carnegie
#23. I picture my epitaph: 'Here lies Paul Newman, who died a failure because his eyes turned brown.
Paul Newman
#24. I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation. I see myself as a performer and that applies to a Greek drama or a modern comedy.
Brendan Coyle
#25. The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas Adams
#26. Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.
Victor J. Stenger
#27. Lies. The great human weapon. Pathetic.
I'd say "pathetic" would be falling for them. Especially Kitty's.
Joss Whedon
#28. You're the one saying how vital offing these kids and grabbing their brat is to the war effort, right? Well, I'm telling you I need way more cash to do it right, so
Lying.
How have you not murdered that creature by now?
Oh, I've tried.
Brian K. Vaughan
#29. Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'
Adam Ferrara
#30. The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious
Anatole France
#31. Wisdom lies in taking everything with good humor and a grain of salt.
George Santayana
#32. It is better to be hurt with the truth than to be encouraged with lies ...
Adedayo Kingjerry
#33. Kate Hudson's entire career exists because people who fall in love sometimes tell lies about where they work.
Caroline Kepnes
#35. Whenever I start thinking about death, it always cheers me up to think about my funeral and my tombstone (which, by the way, will say "Here lies Harlan Sturr. Please don't pee on him.")
Adam Selzer
#36. It's hard to believe that the truth lies within us. What about the churches, temples, mosques, bibles and scriptures? They offer comfort. If they cause you discomfort, toss them.
Art Hochberg
#37. Kestrel raised one brow. How very surprising. Didn't you just make a promise and ask me to trust your word? Really, Arin. You must sort out your lies and your truths or even you won't know which is which.
Marie Rutkoski
#38. He who loves lies suffers from no disease than lies! He who believes in and acts upon lies suffers from no disease than ignorance!
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
#39. And it came out that this King Arthur and his knights had done nothing of real note but to kill innocent dragons all around Britain: almost certainly a pack of lies, as Forthing admitted they had not possessed even any guns at the time, and unpleasant lies at that.
Naomi Novik
#40. If you tell me the truth, the truth I'll proclaim.
If you tell me a lie, you'll be fair game.
Belva Rae Staples
#41. Cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off
damn ankle straps!
or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn't that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.
Jeaniene Frost
#42. I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
#43. Gwynned lies two days westwards; still further south, the weregeld calls. Mayhap with All-Father Woden's favour, my deeds may yet inspire the skalds.
George Gordon Byron
#45. The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
#46. Tyler lies back and asks, "If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?"
I say, goodnight.
The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, "Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
Chuck Palahniuk
#47. What time is it?"
"One o'clock."
I nearly spit out some soda. "In the
afternoon?"
"No. In the morning. Don't let that damn
sunlight fool you. It lies.
Glenn Bullion
#48. You always have a lot going on Harper. It's like your thing. When you die in a hundred years, they'll probably write on your gravestone, 'Here lies Harper Price-Dang it, She Still had Stuff To Do!
Rachel Hawkins
#49. Someone ought to write a novel about me," said Lebedeva loftily. "I shouldn't care if they lied to make it more interesting, as long as they were good lies, full of kisses and daring escapes and the occasional act of barbarism. I can't abide a poor liar.
Catherynne M Valente
#50. To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#51. Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.
Chuck Klosterman
#53. Sex is not about reproduc-tion, gender is not about males and females, courtship is not aboutpersuasion, fashion is not about beauty, and love is not about affec-tion. Below the surface of every banality and cliche there lies irony,cynicism, and profundity.
Matt Ridley
#56. I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
Charles M. Schulz
#57. Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
Jane Wagner
#58. But I'd learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.
Ripley Patton
#59. It was hard to tell if he was lying, or really believed his own bullshit. "We're good for each other. You give me what I need. I give you what you need. No one needs to know what that is because it's a secret between us. So we put on our suit. That's the investment: us.
Dan Skinner
#60. The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder.
J.Leigh Hunter
#61. He stared down at the golden curls of the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness.
"You know," he concluded, after a while, "I think he actually looks like an Adam.
Neil Gaiman
#62. Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn't trust "Mothers of Borogravia!" and that was from the government. And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust?
Very nearly everyone, come to think of it ...
Terry Pratchett
#63. Here lies clever Trevor;
Truth was not his friend.
He lied until the end;
Now, he'll lie forever.
Esther Spurrill Jones
#64. Ask us no questions and we'll tell you no lies.
J.K. Rowling
#65. Ronan said, "I'm always straight."
Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.
Maggie Stiefvater
#66. My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
Chelsea Handler
#67. Next time she flew off a cliff, she would try to remember to wear her worsted skirts. Perhaps then, ouch, she would not have to suffer additional bruising.
Cindy Anstey
#68. If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.
Chelsea Handler
#70. I should never make anything of a fisherman. I had not got sufficient imagination
Jerome K. Jerome
#71. One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Mark Twain
#72. Oh, but my stomach, she is like a waterbed covered in flannel. When I lie on my side in bed, my stomach lies politely beside me, like a puppy.
Anne Lamott
#73. Life is absolutely insane. Yes, life is insane but the great wisdom lies in choosing your insanity wisely.
Paulo Coelho
#74. There were the years - years of childhood and innocence - when I had believed that carminative meant - well, carminative. And now, before me lies the rest of my life - a day, perhaps, ten years, half a century, when I shall know that carminative means windtreibend.
Aldous Huxley
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