Funny Ex Wife Quotes

#1. I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Rodney Dangerfield

#2. That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.

Moby

#3. I went swimming the other day and my wife was watching and she said, 'You know, it's funny, it's when you've got no clothes on, no one recognizes you.' I said, 'What are you saying? That I should do more love scenes?'

Eddie Marsan

#4. My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

Chic Murray

#5. A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Henny Youngman

#6. I said: All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with ...

Dashiell Hammett

#7. The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say.

Alfred Hitchcock

#8. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Rodney Dangerfield

#9. Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

Henny Youngman

#10. Besides, what do I know about being a wife? There are much more important qualities to have than a docile disposition.

C.J. Redwine

#11. At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

Tina Fey

#12. Turner let his face fell into his hands. "I'm never going to touch her again", he moaned.
"He's never going to touch me again!" they heard Miranda roar.
"Well,it doesn't look like you'll have much argument from your wife on that point", Olivia chirped.

Julia Quinn

#13. One man's folly is another man's wife.

Helen Rowland

#14. I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Emo Philips

#15. My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Rodney Dangerfield

#16. Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#17. It's a funny thing, now; I very often think of my poor wife, but I cannot think of her very much at any one time." "Often, but a little at a time, like poor old Swann," became one of my grandfather's favourite phrases, which he would apply to all kinds of things.

Marcel Proust

#18. The moment I was introduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.'

Julian Fellowes

#19. Funny how a wife can spot a blonde hair at twenty yards, yet miss the garage doors.

Corey Ford

#20. My wife's a loving, funny, Irish-spirited person, and I'm still surprised at some of the things she says. She makes me laugh every day.

Gary Sinise

#21. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Rodney Dangerfield

#22. All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

Peter Shaffer

#23. I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..

Bill Engvall

#24. I don't know how breeder marriages ever work, since the wife never seems to understand.

Andrea Speed

#25. You're far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You're far better suited as a wife.

Lisa Kleypas

#26. I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

Walter Matthau

#27. It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.'

Garrett Hedlund

#28. Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife.

Pawan Mishra

#29. Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

Bill Cosby

#30. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Henny Youngman

#31. I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

Larry David

#32. The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Jerry Seinfeld

#33. Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife's metamorphosis to my mother-in-law.

Tim Heaton

#34. Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Greg Giraldo