Top 100 Funeral You Quotes
#1. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
#2. If you thought it was my goddamned fault, couldn't you have called me and told me he was gone? it would have been fucking plus to come to his fucking funeral, you bloodless whore - you ever think of that?
Amy Lane
#3. The smell of hospitals is like small talk at a funeral - you know its function is to cover up something else.
Tim Kreider
#4. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live.
Neil Gaiman
#5. They seem to have accepted that she's gone." "I don't see how they could be sure she is. But I wish we'd known. Could've brought some flowers." "Daedra never suggested this. It seems to be a surprise." "A surprise funeral? You do that, here?" "A first, for me.
William Gibson
#6. I count too heavily on birthdays, though I know I shouldn't. Inevitably I begin to assess my life by them, figure out how I'm doing by how many people remember; it's like the old fantasy of attending your own funeral: You get to see who your friends are, get to see who shows up.
Lorrie Moore
#7. I think she might at least have waited till the funeral was over,' said Amanda in a scandalized voice.
'It's her own funeral, you know,' said Sir Lulworth; 'it's a nice point in etiquette how far one ought to show respect to one's own mortal remains.' ("Laura")
Saki
#8. The only thing she really enjoyed was a funeral. You knew where you were with a corpse. Nothing more could happen to it. But while there was life there was fear.
L.M. Montgomery
#9. A comedy ends with a wedding, and a tragedy ends with a funeral: you always have to juxtapose sex and death.
Chuck Palahniuk
#10. When you're at your own parents' funeral, when you're at somebody that you love's funeral, you realize how precious life is. And you say, "As long as I can walk and I'm healthy, there's always tomorrow."
Andrew Dice Clay
#11. What you need is one black dress I call Plan B. It doesn't have to be fabulous, it just looks good, covers up the problems and is neutral enough for dinner, business, a date, a funeral. You don't overwear it, you don't overwash it, because the Plan B is - gold.
Salma Hayek
#12. A psychiatrist once told me early in treatment, "Stop trying to make me like you," and what a sobering and welcome smack in the face that statement was. Yet somehow, every day of my life is still a campaign for popularity, or better yet, a crowded funeral.
John Waters
#13. It makes no difference what you wear, really. I'll put you in a dark grey. I believe I have some left over from a funeral. says the dressmaker.
Maryrose Wood
#14. In some circles, admitting you love Top 40 radio is tantamount to bragging you gave your grandmother the clap, in church, in the front row at your aunt's funeral, but those are the circles I avoid like the plague or, for that matter, the clap.
Rob Sheffield
#15. When you're at a funeral and you're crying, you're crying for yourself
Thomas S. Monson
#16. There's a convention that one doesn't speak ill of the dead. That's stupid, I think. The truth's always the truth. On the whole it's better to keep your mouth shut about living people. You might conceivably injure them. The dead are past that. But the harm they've done lives after them sometimes.
Agatha Christie
#17. After you died I could not hold a funeral,
And so my life became a funeral.
Han Kang
#18. You listen to people, you listen so deeply that you can hear their past lives,
The crackle of their funeral pyres,
Dick Allen
#19. No one has, because even in this middle age, he's sensitive, and if you say the wrong thing, he'll show the world just how sensitive he is by crying at your funeral.
Paul Beatty
#20. Never write a line you'd be ashamed to read at your own funeral.
L.M. Montgomery
#21. View your life from your funeral, looking back at your life experiences, what have you accomplished? What would you have wanted to accomplish but didn't? What were the happy moments? What were the sad? What would you do again, and what you wouldn't
Viktor E. Frankl
#22. There was something about funerals. It made you see things better. A funeral a day and I'd be rich.
Charles Bukowski
#23. Conner hadn't liked leaving the gravesite with his father still not buried. But he'd learned from his grandmother's funeral that you have to go. It's expected. Nobody hangs around the cemetary. Grief - a little or a lot - is tucked into your pocket and carried away.
Kathleen Jeffrie Johnson
#24. So die as though your funeral
Ushered you through the doors that led
Into a stately banquet hall
Where heroes banqueted.
Alan Seeger
#25. I've been in so many funeral scenes from The Sopranos, and I think I've even been in one on Sons of Anarchy. Those scenes, as a human being, are the most tedious scenes, of all time. You're waiting, all day, in the blistering hot heat. So, I didn't need to be there.
Drea De Matteo
#26. As many bands as you heard [in New Orleans], that's how many bands you heard playing right. I thought I was in Heaven playing second trumpet in the Tuxedo Brass Band
and they had some funeral marches that would just touch your heart, they were so beautiful.
Louis Armstrong
#27. You are thirty minutes late."
"Yes."
"Would you be thirty minutes late to a wedding or a funeral?"
"No."
"Why not, pray tell?"
"Well, if the funeral was mine I'd have to be on time. If the wedding was mine it would be my funeral.
Charles Bukowski
#28. When did you last see him?" "About twenty minutes ago," I said. "In the morgue." Finlay nodded gently. "Before that?" "Seven years ago," I said. "Our mother's funeral.
Lee Child
#29. It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!
Chris Tucker
#30. Don't wait for a funeral to pay a compliment. You may not make it in time.
Harvey MacKay
#31. Someday I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds Are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me
Eva Cassidy
#32. The test of your worldview is not how you act in the good times. The test of your worldview is how you act at the funeral. Having been through literally hundreds if not thousands of funerals: ... It makes a difference what you believe.
Rick Warren
#33. Mum, at Sam's funeral, I didn't cry ... is that
is that normal?"
"Lauren, write in your journal and you'll feel better.
Amelia Mysko
#34. Nobody really wants to be your friend when they discover that you work with dead people.
Rebecca McNutt
#35. Hey, listen,' I say. " Fascinating as this is, we've got to go now. I have to collect the invites for my funeral."
That shuts them up. Fiona looks astonished." Really?
" Yeah." I grab Zoey's arm. "It's a shame i can't be there myself - i like parties. Text me if you think of any good hymns!
Jenny Downham
#36. Why not stop trying to prevent posterity being silent about you? You were born to die, and a silent funeral is less bothersome.
Seneca.
#37. How could you go about choosing something that would hold the half of your heart you had to bury?
Jodi Picoult
#38. You owe me!" -Stephanie
"Why do I owe you?" -Joe
"I caught your no good cousin." -Stephanie
"Yeah and in the process you burned down a funeral home, and damaged thousands of dollars of government property." -Joe
"Well if you are going to be picky about it ... " -Stephanie
Janet Evanovich
#39. I hope you die ...
P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.
Michael Ian Black
#40. I remembered back to leo's burial and holding your hand. I was eleven and you were six, your hand soft and small in mine. As the vicar said 'in sure and certain hope of the resurrection of eternal life' you turned to me, 'I don't want sure and certain hope I want sure and certain Bee.
Rosamund Lupton
#41. And you must always remember there's one good thing about being trapped down here: it'll save funeral expenses.
C.S. Lewis
#42. If you want to know whether or not you have had a successful life, think about what people would say about you at your own funeral.
Lindsey Rietzsch
#43. Fuck you. Hunter (I decided not to call him Liam anymore - Liam was a nice name for a nice guy, and it didn't fit this bastard at all) glanced at his friend, then rubbed a hand over his face. For a minute he looked tired. Jackass. I was going to laugh at his funeral.
Joanna Wylde
#44. The lore has not died out of the world, and you will still find people who believe that soup will cure any hurt or illness and is no bad thing to have for the funeral either.
John Steinbeck
#45. Can you help me move those tables against the wall?" Mama pointed to five tables in the back corner. "The funeral home said they needed four feet of clearance all the way around.
Katie Graykowski
#46. If you want to really know what your friends and family think of you die broke, and then see who shows up for the funeral.
Gregory Nunn
#47. 50 Cent is a hero to me because he's overcome so many things. He's been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead. I had to go to the funeral. I was mad. Man, you ain't hard! You ain't hard!
Bill Bellamy
#48. There is but one freedom, To put oneself right with death. After that everything is possible. I cannot force you to believe in God. Believing in God amounts to coming to terms with death. When you have accepted death, the problem of God will be solved, and not the reverse.
Albert Camus
#49. Nothing offers better public relations fodder than something you can rescue and love intensively for a month and then be filmed burying at a lavish funeral.
Chuck Palahniuk
#50. You never remember who came to the funeral, but you never forget who didn't.
Christopher Buckley
#51. Obviously if you are an accountant, a criminal lawyer, a president, or a senator, or if you work in a funeral parlor, you have to wear a tie, but more and more people are wearing very casual clothes.
Jean Pigozzi
#52. You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.
Frank Skinner
#53. There's nothing that makes me laugh more than being in the situation where you're not supposed to laugh. Funerals. People crying. Breaking down. Telling you their life. I'm the worst. I'm the worst at that.
Tom Waits
#54. My biggest blast-off hit was 'You Raise Me Up.' If you ever have a wedding or a funeral, it's a good pick.
Josh Groban
#55. Your coffin reached the monstrous hole. And a part of me went down into the muddy earth with you and lay down next to you and died with you.
Rosamund Lupton
#56. I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case.
John Knowles
#57. To hear how much of a great human being you were - even if you really weren't - open your ears at your funeral.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#58. You know what all the plutonium can buy me?" "Yeah it'll buy you one hell of a funeral!" Angel says angrily to man who was behind everything!
Angel Ramon Medina
#59. Will read a poem by Sir Walter Raleigh at his grandmother's funeral.
"Pondering the joys we had, listen & keep very still. If the lowing from the hill or the tolling of the bell do not
serve to break the spell, listen: you may be allowed to hear my laughter from a cloud.
Lynne Branard
#60. I love you best, and I'll miss you forever.
C.J. Redwine
#61. I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.
John Green
#62. What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.
Simon R. Green
#63. My mum passing away wasn't funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.
Kevin Hart
#64. If I talk about my father's funeral, as I did when I was promoting the last novel, 'Being Dead,' I'm not going to tell any lies, but there are certain things I'm not going to tell you, and I'm certainly not going to tell my grief.
Jim Crace
#65. Oh, hey, Claire," she said, and blinked. "Where are you going?"
"Funeral," Shane said. On-screen, a zombie shrieked and died gruesomely.
"Yeah? Cool! Whose?"
"Hers." Shane said.
Rachel Caine
#66. A Muslim has five duties towards another Muslim; to return a salutation, visit the sick, follow funerals, accept an invitation and say 'God have mercy on you' when one sneezes.
Elijah Muhammad
#67. Sometimes funerals can be good. It reunites you with your cousins you haven't seen in a while.
David Burtka
#68. Though you may never have attended a funeral, two of the world's humans die every second. Eight in the time it took you to read that sentence. Now we're at fourteen. The dead space this process out nicely so that the living hardly even notice they're undergoing the transformation. Unless
Caitlin Doughty
#69. Nothing you can lose by dying is half as precious as the readiness to die, which is man's charter of nobility.
George Santayana
#70. You can't choreograph death, but you can choreograph your funeral.
Marina Abramovic
#71. Then, cutting across it all like a stick through the sand, a child's voice wailed, an acute, high-pitched sound, such as a small animal makes when, out of sheer boredom, you break its leg.
Zadie Smith
#72. You never wear red to no funeral; red says the dead person was a fool.
Greg Iles
#73. People dress up for funerals. Why not dress up to celebrate that you're alive?
Gay Talese
#74. Funeral notice in the paper." "I still don't know who you're talking about," the other ice fisherman groused. "Dressed funny," the guy at the other table recalled.
W. Bruce Cameron
#75. The home funeral - caring for the dead ourselves - changes our relationship to grieving. If you have been married to someone for 50 years, why would you let someone take them away the moment they die?
Caitlin Doughty
#76. It's a funny phenomenon. You can never visit your own funeral, but if you want to see how people feel about you, commit a crime.
Elizabeth L. Silver
#77. You want to walk into that funeral and have every dude in that room whip their head around and say, 'God-damn them is some fine-ass titties. I got to find me a divorce lawyer in the next five minutes.
David Wong
#78. They were terrified out of their wits, the devil knows why: they take you for a brigand and a spy. And the prosecutor has died of fright; the funeral is to-morrow. Won't you be there?
Nikolai Gogol
#79. Weddings and funerals are when you figure out who your real friends are.
Amy Dickinson
#80. A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama's former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.
Jimmy Fallon
#81. A eugoogoolizer ... one who speaks at funerals ... Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
Ben Stiller
#82. Come now, don't make such a funeral face. It isn't dying that's sad; it's living when you're not happy.
Octave Mirbeau
#83. He had the desperation, not the courage, to be himself. Once you do that, you can't go wrong, because you can't make any mistakes when people love you for being yourself. But for Kurt, it didn't matter that other people loved him; he simply didn't love himself enough.
Charles R. Cross
#85. If I fall and break my neck, will you say something nice at my funeral?"
"Like 'Kyler was usually more graceful?
J. Lynn
#86. When in doubt, when flat on your back, you can look at the ceiling. Who knows what you may see, up there? Funeral wreaths and angels, constellations of dust, stellar or otherwise, the puzzles left by spiders. There's always something to occupy the inquiring mind.
Margaret Atwood
#87. He tried to make me wear a suit."
"Why?" Sissy asked dryly. "Are you planning on going to a funeral after our date?
Shelly Laurenston
#88. Whether you lay cold in the ground or warm in an urn the turmoils of life aren't a concern. For some this may be the perfect rhyme except for those you leave behind ...
Stanley Victor Paskavich
#89. Please be SILENT and LISTEN.
I am the SCHOOLMASTER
and you are in the CLASSROOM.
Just like ELEVEN PLUS TWO equals
TWELVE PLUS ONE,
And even a FUNERAL can be REAL FUN,
You will find my DICTIONARY
is quite INDICATORY.
If you want to read my story, just look ...
THEN UNREAD.
Pseudonymous Bosch
#91. When you attend a funeral, It is sad to think that sooner o' Later those you love will do the same for you. And you may have thought it tragic, Not to mention other adjec- Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do. (But don't you worry.
Tom Lehrer
#92. To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.
Spike Milligan
#93. If you've only seen a dead body in a casket at a funeral, then you've never seen a real dead body. Believe me, I know, because recently I saw my first real dead body.
Jules Cassard
#94. Holy fuck," Sully muttered, his eyes on Mike. "Funeral hook up. Didn't know you had that in you. Impressed.
Kristen Ashley
#95. If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy - if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places.
Mark Twain
#96. Being fired has some of the advantages of dying without its supreme disadvantages. People say extra-nice things about you, and you get to hear them.
Howard Zinn
#97. Augustus Waters talked so much that he's interrupt you at his own funeral.
John Green
#98. I've laughed hysterically, just trying to hold it in, at every funeral I've been to, because everyone's so serious. And there are a lot of people speaking publicly, which makes you understand why it's people's number one fear - because everyone shouldn't do it.
Jerrod Carmichael
#99. Relax, Medea. We've come to see your mother. (Tory)
Your funeral. (Medea)
It's always so good to see you, too. You're just such a ray of happy sunshine. I so look forward to all our interactions. (Tory)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#100. The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.
P. J. O'Rourke
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