Top 77 French Humor Quotes
#1. On this matter I'm inclined to agree with the French, who gaze upon any personal dietary prohibition as bad manners.
Charles Dickens
#2. You can't make a person, a human being with a first kiss and a sense of humor and a favorite sandwich, and then expect her to dissolve back into scribbled notes and whiskeyed coffee when she no longer suits your purposes. I think I always knew she would come back to find me, someday.
Tana French
#3. The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.
Garrison Keillor
#4. If you want respect, you must take your medicine like a brave aristocrat," he said. "Think of the French nobles who walked to the guillotine, double chins aloft.
Loretta Chase
#5. The French always make our sort happy because, like us, they know how to love, they're just as good at playing the accordion, and they've made a real art of their inability to bake proper bread.
Sasa Stanisic
#6. Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Steve Martin
#7. Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.
Alan Perlis
#8. Vicky always did have that kind of mind: since there was basically no activity going on inside her head, conversations went in there and came back out virtually untouched.
Tana French
#10. The French have the right respect for dogs
in France we chiens get to go to lunch and dinner anytime, anywhere.
Sheron Long
#11. He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.
Katherine Rundell
#12. I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
Tommy Cooper
#13. I was deeply interested in the little family history which he detailed to me with all that candor which a Frenchman indulges whenever mere self is the theme.
Edgar Allan Poe
#14. I think you better hurry along with that French toast making, Stud. You know - before my fetus eats your face."
"It would be equally as delicious.
Pella Grace
#15. Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
#16. Some smart alecs of those days after World War I used to say: The French fought for liberty, the British fought to control the seas, but the Americans fought for souvenirs.
Harry Truman
#17. The best way to tell whether the Norwegian is a Norwegian is to say:
"Are you Swedish?"
Regardless whether you say this in English, French, Italian, Japanese, Urdu or Swahili, he will answer:
"Swedish? Me? I'm a Norwegian!"
Then you will be able to tell.
Odd Borretzen
#18. What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.
David Sedaris
#19. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
Mark Twain
#20. Maybe he does have a choice to make, but everything I feel, everything I know says absoloutely that choice will be you"
"She speaks French and Italian."
"That bitch.
J.D. Robb
#21. This is it." Morgan gestured to the French doors like she was modeling a prize on a game show. "Here we have door number one. Will it lead our contestant to the dog-faced man of her dreams? Or will she find an axe-wielding psychopath? Stay tuned.
Cole Gibsen
#22. The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
Dennis Miller
#23. The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.
Bauvard
#24. Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
#25. I don't know what it is about the french language, it seems to be scared of coming out of the mouth so it comes out the nose instead.
P.D.Q. Bach
#26. It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel.
Mark Forsyth
#27. But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!'
'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs.
Georgette Heyer
#28. I would advocate that chocolate be covered by health insurance, but that is admittedly a very French public policy perspective.
Mireille Guiliano
#29. She doesn't approve of either sentimentality or graveyard humor at crime scenes. She says they waste time that should be spent working on the damn case, but the implication is that coping strategies are for wimps.
Tana French
#30. Millions of women got the Farrah Fawcett model hairstyle, thinking this made them look like Farrah Fawcett, when in fact it made them look like French poodles that had fallen into vats of hydrogen peroxide.
Dave Barry
#31. There is nothing so capital as a cup of tea for settling the Disheveled Nerves of Fair Ladies.
Joan Bassington-French
#32. It always felt good to have that moment of resolve, like saying, "I'm gonna learn French!" It doesn't matter if you do it or not, deciding is the high, right?
Felicia Day
#33. How could they think Noel was hot? If this was REALLY Versailles, Noel SO would not be Louis XIV, he would be the French version of the village idiot
Sara Shepard
#34. If our school ever performed a play about the French Revolution, she could play the guillotine.
Robin Benway
#35. Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes.
Norman Douglas
#36. What do you do with all your money?"
"Me and the French hoard gold.
Dashiell Hammett
#37. They believe Miles can read it," she said. "Good grief. They must be completely illiterate
or desperately gullible
or
"
"French," said Mr Carsington.
Loretta Chase
#38. How's Alison getting on?'
Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time.
Tana French
#39. There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
P.G. Wodehouse
#40. But tarry a while, haste is the arch-enemy of delight.
Dawn French
#41. I said she's not thick, kid. I didn't say she was Professor fucking Moriarty.
Tana French
#42. King John won't need any persuading that the French have a hand in this. From what I've heard, if a bean gives him a bellyache he swears it was a French one.
Karen Maitland
#43. New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please
the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.
Bill Maher
#44. ...Nothing is more disgusting than a glass of milk, especially French milk, which comes in a box and can sit unrefrigerated for five months, at which point it simply turns into cheese and is moved to a different section of the grocery store.
David Sedaris
#45. But clothing themselves in the trappings of democracy, dictators may, like drag queens, tend to overdo it, and Napoleon wanted there to be no doubt that his French Republic was more democratic than any before it.
Tom Reiss
#46. Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
Doug Larson
#47. Puss hopped down from the couch and rummaged in Mark's closet until he found a black leather belt. This he looped along his shoulder, around his waist, and then clasped together. I'm off to make war, so that you may have love.
Zechariah Barrett
#48. The Kerguelen Islands in the southern Indian Ocean are a six-day boat ride from Madagascar, and their only inhabitants are French scientists.
Cary McNeal
#49. You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
Denis Leary
#50. Have you met the French? My ... GOD they know how to party!
Steven Moffat
#51. There was [really] little difference between someone acting throwing french fries in your face and someone throwing french fries in your face.
Russell Brand
#52. On the prow of the wagon, in an attempt to attract business among the Quarterites, Ignatius taped a sheet of Big Chief paper on which he had printed in crayon: TWELVE INCHES (12) OF PARADISE. So far no one had responded to its message.
John Kennedy Toole
#53. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places ... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea Handler
#54. I'm so good at my job the law thinks I'm three different hit men and a serial killer. I speak Russian and French, I never had a pet, and the reason why you hate my coffee is that it's decaf.
J. Fally
#55. You'll be reading the breakfast menu without me before you know it.
Hmm, maybe I don't want to learn French
Stephanie Perkins
#56. Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing
turn your toes out when you walk
And remember who you are!
Lewis Carroll
#58. That was like watching my dad French-kiss a raccoon-I feel violated on so many levels.
Sarah Cross
#59. He put his hand on his forehead and scoured the French department of his memory for a word. He knew it was in there. He'd put it in almost fifty years before and hadn't had cause to remove it. But for the life of him he couldn't find it.
Colin Cotterill
#60. Not interested in love or money. Interested in french fries.
Lauren Leto
#61. Many in America, as one social historian wrote, 'believed implicitly that New York's social leaders went to bed in full evening dress, brushed their teeth in vintage champagne, married their daughters without exception to shady French counts, and arrayed their poodle dogs in diamond tiaras.' ...
Greg King
#62. If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
Josh Stern
#63. I filed him in my mental database under Useless Prick, for future reference.
Tana French
#64. He sucked his lips in an attempt not to laugh. "Aren't you Spanish?"
She raised one arm in a salute. "Viva la Queen Isabella!"
"I see. Then why are you speaking with a French accent?
Julia Quinn
#65. Occasionally, merely for the pleasure of being cruel, we put unoffending Frenchmen on the rack with questions framed in the incomprehensible jargon of their native language, and while they writhed, we impaled them, we peppered them, we scarified them, with their own vile verbs and participles.
Mark Twain
#66. Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French.
P.G. Wodehouse
#67. Always fuck with people's expectations, sunshine. It's good for their circulation.
Tana French
#68. Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice.
I tap Zetania's shoulder and ask, "What's a precipice?"
"A cliff's edge," she whispers.
Precipice. Must be a French word.
Daven Anderson
#69. JJ informed me, when he dropped them off, that they are French bulldogs, which has led med to reassess my opinion of the French. They may know a lot about making wine and fries, but they don't know jacques-merde about making dogs.
Melissa DeCarlo
#70. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
#71. Our own dimension was coded ID-11 and was the only League member with diphtheria, David Hasselhoff and the French, which amused the rest of the multiverse no end.
Jasper Fforde
#72. Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.
James Thurber
#73. Breslin gives me his wise-teacher smile, which is kind and crinkly and would make me feel warm all over if I was dumber than a bag of hair.
Tana French
#74. Thierry had no idea why they were called French doors. His native countrymen weren't stupid enough to put them in their homes.
Lynn Viehl
#75. There was a great jagged hole where they had ripped out the fireplace; the wall around it was crowded with faded graffiti explain who loved who, who was gay and who should fuck off.
Tana French
#76. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.
Karl French
#77. Magical?" "Non." "Magnificent?" "Don't be absurd." "Less bleak than anything else we have seen?" "Now truly you are speaking French," the ambassador said approvingly.
Neal Stephenson
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