Top 81 Dying Humor Quotes
#1. Locals? I hit print on the shock file, and my face was the paper that came out of the printer! Locals! I had no idea this deep into the green inferno there'd be people living! Or dying!
Mark Gunk
#2. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#3. Dying is easy, getting the dental floss off your finger and into the trash is hard.
Gregor Collins
#4. Aves hasn't mentioned a boyfriend," Lock chimed in, "and we're just dying to hear all about you." Liar. My friends were filthy lying sadists.
Lish McBride
#5. Ted," he said, "when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, or am I going to live?" I decided I'm going to live-or at least try to live-the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humor, with composure.
Mitch Albom
#6. Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
Bill Murray
#7. Writing is a dying form. One reads of this every day.
Lemony Snicket
#8. It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.
Cora Carmack
#9. My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr
#10. But it was getting pretty hard to grieve someone who wouldn't just get on with the dying.
Devon Monk
#11. It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being present in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor. (361)
Victoria Moran
#12. I am dying by inches, from not having any body to talk to about insects ...
Charles Darwin
#13. How ... how are you doing, Jace?'
Holding on. Just barely. Charlie?'
Charlie's tone is almost conversational. 'Kind of getting the urge to kill both of you. Think I'm gonna head back.'
Sure, okay, no problem.'
Yeah, yeah, good idea. You do that.
D.D. Barant
#14. Yeah, fucknuts, its you. You're me. To get into this place, You're gonna have to kill me. Which is not gonna happen 'cause I'm not so cool with dying. What is gonna happen is that i'm gonna kick your ass and kill you dead.
P.C. Cast
#16. I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War.
Kurt Vonnegut
#17. A realist writer might break his protagonist's leg, or kill his fiancee; but a science fiction writer will immolate whole planets, and whilst doing so he will be more concerned with the placement of commas than the screams of the dying.
Adam Roberts
#18. I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Steven Wright
#19. You're getting ahead of yourself, Danika!" she said bracingly. "One thing at a time. Those home things can be wrong! Don't panic until it's time to panic! Maybe you're just dying of some horrible disease and you aren't even pregnant at all?
Madelaine Montague
#20. They were looking for housekeepers and cooks, and I was dying to get out of Australia and see the rest of the world. It's a Sagittarius thing, you know. We just move on and on, like tumbleweeds.
Roxanne St. Claire
#21. I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.
Kris D'Agostino
#22. Eventually our whole world, every culture, will explode and we'll all just be fucking cosmic dust. We'll all dissipate. We'll all be nothing and everything. What's more spiritual than that?
Dash Shaw
#23. Dying is the last thing I would EVER do!
John Green
#24. I'm dying!" Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!
J.K. Rowling
#25. The old vacuum cleaner keeps dying on her
over and over
until at last the cleaning woman
scares it by yelling:
"Motherfucker!
Lydia Davis
#27. See, this is what the United States of America is all about.
You can wrestle a thousand bears and chew on a billion knives but in the end, you are only as good as the dude who stops you from dying of a gunshot while fucking a coyote.
Cory O'Brien
#29. I keep dying and hoping you notice me. But you're too busy living.
F.K. Preston
#30. Is this the bit where my whole life passes in front of my eyes?" He said.
NO, THAT WAS THE BIT JUST NOW.
"Which bit?"
THE BIT, said Death, BETWEEN YOU BEING BORN AND YOU DYING. NO THIS ... MR. TULIP, THIS IS YOUR WHOLE LIFE AS IT PASSED BEFORE OTHER PEOPLE'S EYES ...
Terry Pratchett
#32. How sick are you? Holy crap. Are you dying or something? Is that why you're going on
a retreat and eating only lettuce?
Maisey Yates
#33. He'd asked me to marry him. He'd kissed me. Twice. He said he loved me. What a scum, rat, dog bastard. I wouldn't sleep with him now if I was dying and the only thing that could save me was a penis injection from him.
Gena Showalter
#34. I don't fear death
I fear dying before I've read Dickens end to end.
Amy Smith
#35. Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.
"I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying.
Diana Wynne Jones
#36. Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours.
E.L. Doctorow
#38. I don't think you're dying," I said. "I think you've just got a touch of cancer.
He smiled. Gallows humor.
John Green
#39. Humor and laughter - not necessarily derogatory derision - are my pet tools. This may come from my general philosophy of never taking the world too seriously - for fear of dying of boredom.
Marcel Duchamp
#40. Things stayed peaceful in there, even as the crashing vehicles and the cries of the injured and dying reached a crescendo outside.
"I fry mine in butter!" indeed.
Kurt Vonnegut
#42. Poor David Hume is dying fast, but with more real cheerfulness and good humor and with more real resignation to the necessary course of things, than any whining Christian ever dyed with pretended resignation to the will of God.
Adam Smith
#43. You'll find that God often chooses to speak through the dying and the insane ... A healthy person might be apt to filter the divine message, to alter it with his or her own personality. In other words, a healthy person might make a shitty prophet.
Stephen King
#44. The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny ... Alright, it's a little funny.
John Green
#45. Papa loves you with a dying and infernal love," the youngest girl said.
"Undying," the eldest girl corrected. "And eternal.
Martine Leavitt
#46. [That] was the cruelty of fate, whether you were dying at sea or simply trying to get through high school. Sometimes fate kissed you. Sometimes it snubbed you. Sometimes it passed you a love note, and that note was a lie.
Kathy Hepinstall
#48. While death is sadly inevitable, our grief will soon pass like a swallowed penny through one's bowels.
Painful change just takes time.
Jessica Watts
#49. Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.
Mercedes Lackey
#50. Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#51. I wish I could run into the world's arms. Linger within the spaces between nothing. I wish I could filter out of existence. To live quietly without dying. I wish I could be cherished by life itself. To speak and sing volumes without lying to myself.
F.K. Preston
#52. It's what happens when you shoot someone," Wayne pointed out. "At least, usually someone has the good sense to get dead when you go to all the trouble to shoot them.
Brandon Sanderson
#53. I had a very funny and depressing talk with my seventy-four-year-old mother. I decided, she doesn't have a bucket list - she has a kick-the-bucket list.
Lori Lesko
#54. DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.
Terry Pratchett
#55. Don't we all hope to die with a smile on our faces?
Jeff O'Brien
#56. The fear of death is why we build cathedrals, have children, declare war, and watch cat videos online at three a.m.
Caitlin Doughty
#57. Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.
Chuck Palahniuk
#58. Up on the stage people appeared to be dying left right and centre, and for most of the performance I had quite felt like leaping up there and joining them.
Ali McNamara
#59. A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.
Michelle Franklin
#60. Oh, the things she would say if she could--but it's a minefield of courtesies and manners, this dying business.
Jess Walter
#61. Neighbours complaining about someone's dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn't been much left of the old girl worth eating.
James Oswald
#62. Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that. -Aphrodite
P.C. Cast
#63. In life, more than in anything else, it isn't easy to end up alive.
Roman Payne
#64. The heaviness of loss in her heart hadn't eased, but there was room there for humour, too.
Nalo Hopkinson
#65. How's Alison getting on?'
Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time.
Tana French
#66. ,dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw.
Chapter I.
Chuck Palahniuk
#67. He was a dying man looking down on the surgeons trying to save him.
John Green
#68. Dying is simply showing up for your time of departure - from this realm.
Art Hochberg
#69. Retirement is like sex. Men love to talk about it but when the time finally comes they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their tie back on.
Paula Wall
#70. I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling so well myself.
Mark Twain
#71. That's the way you have to be with boys," said Betsy. "Beam about their old football when you're dying to know whether they're going to take you to a party.
Maud Hart Lovelace
#72. What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country."
Willie "Drafted
Rich Allan
#73. Seriously, who curses you with their dying breath and says, I hope your eye twitches!
Rick Riordan
#75. Hey police? I just saw the world's oldest, slowest kid climbing into Pleasantview Cemetery. Looked like he was dying to get in. Yeah, looked like a grave matter to me. Kidding? Oh no, I'm in dead earnest. Maybe you ought to dig into it.
Stephen King
#76. No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country.
George S. Patton Jr.
#77. Death can come slow. Death can come quick. If you've got one last breath, you better make the most of it.
A.H. Scott
#78. Some people say they're afraid about dying. Noooo ... it's the fear of living totally in the moment, living fully engaged, and independent at the same time. That's the real fear.
Art Hochberg
#79. It extols death with the luminescent brilliance of a dying star. It is Genghis Khan bathed in sherbet ice cream. The mantis shrimp is the harbinger of blood-soaked rainbows.
The Oatmeal
#80. This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be.
Yahtzee Croshaw
#81. Italians can drink hot chocolate and eat ices almost at the same time, without dying!
Aimee Dostoyevsky
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