Top 100 Children S Humor Quotes
#1. Vimes's lack of interest in other people's children was limitless.
Terry Pratchett
#2. My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children's need for parenting.
Margot Page
#3. You could always go home."
"To my brothers and their screaming children?" Rahim scoffed. "To the constant attempts to marry me off to a cousin's friend's ugly sister? I think not.
Renee Ahdieh
#4. My mother's father was just called "The Governor," or "Himself." Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn't as crazy as it sounds.
Kathy Griffin
#5. Gerald's look assured her that he and the others would be as near angels as children could be without ceasing to be human.
E. Nesbit
#6. Basset Hounds never get scared. We're fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.
Elias Zapple
#7. By the time he graduates, projected to be by his thirtieth birthday, Wheeler's transcript will be a meme used to scare children into studying harder.
Kurt Dinan
#9. Use condoms; it's wise not to gamble with your children's future.
Bauvard
#10. You may have even commented on the surprising inappropriateness of such a murderous and bloody scene appearing in a children's book. It's fun to feel offended, isn't it?
Dav Pilkey
#11. Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right.
Orson Scott Card
#13. I guess I try to find the humor by juxtaposing deeper themes in literature with what people perceive as being lighter, disposable children's fare in comics.
Robert Sikoryak
#14. If something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones.
Norton Juster
#15. From the corners of her mouth, thick yellow goo bubbles. It matches the mess between Vesper's fingers, the slime on her chin, on her legs, the blobs that randomly pepper things, the blast radius massive, confounding
Peter Newman
#16. Well now," the scholar went on, "I'm just an old fuddy-duddy who could use a tan, so you needn't grant my opinion any authority, but I consider the queendom lucky that a handful of Milliners and their children lived incognito among the population during Redd's tyranny.
Frank Beddor
#17. I escaped from an interview with that laboratory-loving doctor, Ag O. Nee, just barely by the shadow of my Nosey nose!
I.B. Nosey
#18. When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Nora Ephron
#19. Aren't you going to dry the floor?' asked Annika.
'Oh, no, it can dry in the sun,' answered Pippi. 'I don't think it will catch cold so long as it keeps moving.
Astrid Lindgren
#20. Duke to Michel: I'm fairly certain that even if
you'd struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.
Elias Zapple
#21. Easy for you to say," Polly said. "You've lived here all your life and stayed under the radar. No one points at you."
"Sometimes small children point at my butt," Aunt Rhea said. "But that's just on account of all the fried chicken.
Kathy Hepinstall
#22. Jocelyn's stomach lodged another complaint with the management regarding the length of time since breakfast.
Heidi Schulz
#23. And ... I think that's what life is all about, actually,
about children and flowers.
Audrey Hepburn
#24. Of course, I've told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it's God's will.
Kathy Griffin
#25. CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.
Jen Campbell
#26. It's easy enough to get along with a loved and loving child - at least till you try to get him to do something.
Mignon McLaughlin
#27. Her husband, Rafael, who'd left her and who'd contributed not one penny to his children's welfare, was a fool of such dimensions that he should have been required to dress like a jester, complete with silly hat and curled-toe shoes.
Dean Koontz
#28. There's only one person who needs a glass of water oftener than a small child tucked in for the night, and that's a writer sitting down to write.
Mignon McLaughlin
#29. We call them grunters. They're ghost hunters but grunters is more appropriate because most of them are pigs.
Wendy Milton
#30. Kudra was amused by Alobar's tentative polka until her eyes fell upon the tumescent protrusion dancing with him. Disgusting she thought. An erection is just inappropriate. Then she realized with a shock that she was so wet that children could have sailed toy boats in her underpants.
Tom Robbins
#31. Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book.
Sid Fleischman
#32. Liam's hands are curled into fists, as if he is ready to throw punches right in the middle of IHOP, which is of course a dumb place to fight. There are children here, and polyester booths, and smiley-face pancakes. Multiple kinds of syrup. Some of the drinks even come with maraschino cherries.
Julie Buxbaum
#33. Hey lady." Sandy wrapped her arms around Darcy's neck and kissed her cheek quickly. "So, are we burning anything of his in some occult ritual that will curse him and all his unborn children till the end of their days, or are we just going to key his car?
D.A. Rhine
#35. In the Netherlands now, I imagine it's legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn grandbabies in a free clinic that used to be a church.
David Sedaris
#36. Allegedly, allegedly I say, the R.G.A. were extremely miffed of portrait painted of their monarch, King Tingaling XX, by Master. Portrait apparently, as it's yet t'be unveiled, depicts King Tingaling XX in rather compromisin' position with a pineapple, a wad of cash and his favourite pig, Buttercup.
Elias Zapple
#37. Children are our future. We cannot allow them to run amok.
-pg. 167 The Collected Sayings of the Emperor The Demon's Daughter
Emma Holly
#38. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.
Tina Fey
#39. A whizzpopper!" cried the BFG, beaming at her. "Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?
Roald Dahl
#40. Humorists always sit at the children's table.
Woody Allen
#41. Why does everything want to eat children?!"
Neferre smiled. "Because you taste like candy. Stinky socks would mask your delicious scent from the aziza. We must get you stinky socks. So they do not eat you."
"That's not much of a bedtime story! You really haven't done this before!
Ash Gray
#42. Toilet paper unrolled and slithered
then wrapped around my tummy.
That paper tried to roll me up
into an Egyptian mummy.
Melinda K. Trotter
#43. What happens over the next few months is like the plot of a children's movie, the kind where a dog finds its owner in spite of insurmountable odds and prohibitive geography.
Lena Dunham
#44. The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged.
Andrea L'Artiste
#45. I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it's because I'm babysitting.
Richelle E. Goodrich
#46. A woman has her needs. What good is a mother to her poor children if she's suffering from low self-esteem and sexual frustration? If you don't get laid soon, you will literally close up. More importantly, you will shrivel. And you will become bitter.
Helen Fielding
#47. Really, there was only one problem with Mr. Davis, as far as Gregory was concerned; He taught math.
Greg Pincus
#48. This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person's life.
Leah Broadby
#49. Ghosts!" gasped Alice. "Real, live ghosts?"
"No! Not 'real, live ghosts!' Spooky, dead ghosts!
Kellyn Roth
#50. Mom calls me Patch-a-roo and Patch-a-roo-ny. She usually croons these names to me or crows them as if she's imitating the rooster. I know this is a little odd, but I'm a really special dog. Of course, sometimes she calls me Stink-a-roo.
Lea Beall
#51. People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
C. JoyBell C.
#52. Your name isn't Sniffles?" Ewan pretended to be surprised.
C.J. Milbrandt
#53. Mom actually said that?" Cassie's face shown with happiness. "She always hated my math!"
"Nah," Martin said. "She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents told us what they really think about stuff, we could figure them out like regular people.
Clare B. Dunkle
#54. You wanted hatchlings."
"I know. I just didn't want those hatchlings. Personally, I blame your father."
Bercelak's eyes grew wide. "Excuse me?"
On a burst of laughter, she exclaimed, "Well that came out horribly wrong!
G.A. Aiken
#55. This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.
Ben Aaronovitch
#56. There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!"
...
"Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'.
Rick Riordan
#57. I like subversive humor, freckles, women's knees and long hair, the laughter of playing children, and a girl running down the street.
Rene Magritte
#58. My mother read that parents should spend quality time with their children. One way is to sign up for organized activities together. This month we're taking meditation to free the mind. Last month it was Rolfing. Have you ever Rolfed, Tone?"
"Only after the school's shepherd's pie," I said.
Julie Anne Peters
#59. Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of learned journals.
Neil Gaiman
#60. I told Ing once that she dances like a German and she didn't like it, but it's true: she dances seriously, like lives are hanging in the balance, like precision dancing can save the starving children of India.
Audrey Niffenegger
#61. You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Terry Pratchett
#62. There is a tiger in my room,' said Frances.
'Did he bite you?' said Father.
'No,' said Frances.
'Did he scratch you?' said Mother.
'No,' said Frances.
'Then he is a friendly tiger,' said Father. 'He will not hurt you. Go back to sleep.
Russell Hoban
#63. But there's no doubt that children have an innate sense of humor. No matter how young they are, they always know when something's really funny.
Tetsuko Kuroyanagi
#64. Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
Jasper Fforde
#65. Of all the gifts you can get, friends and family are the best!
Jan Britland
#66. Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There's no such place.
Christopher Moore
#67. You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate.
George W. Bush
#68. Once they've borne children, mothers can construct virtually any costume using scissors, felt, Elmer's glue, and a leftover pen spring. They're like the Special Forces of crafts.
Drew Magary
#69. Calico Kitty
My calico kitty
was painted and primed
she could prowl
the night away ~
without spending a dime...
Muse
#70. Mom's a hypochondriac, too, so the best part was that every week she would get the disease that the medical shows were dramatizing. I'll never forget, they did an episode on sickle cell anemia, which as far as I know, is almost exclusively an African-American affliction.
Kathy Griffin
#71. The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.
Jim Gaffigan
#72. It's great to be able to connect parents with children both emotionally and through humor. I look forward to exploring family entertainment once again and examining the specifics of our day-to-day lives against the backdrop of an extraordinary adventure.
Jon Favreau
#73. Haylee shook her head as soon as they were gone. Christ, how can our family be mankind's best hope?
Natasha Larry
#74. When I was young, my favorite picture book was 'Fletcher and Zenobia,' written by Edward Gorey and illustrated by Victoria Chess. It's long out of print now, but its mix of macabre humor and 1960s psychedelia made it a perfect children's book for the times.
Rick Riordan
#75. He touched me. We kissed and we held hands sometimes. It was proper. Do you think I should have been with him in that way?" "Hell, no. He's probably not capable." "He's married now. They have children." "Must be Catholic." "What makes you say that?" "Virgin births.
Ellen O'Connell
#76. We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
H.L. Mencken
#77. The people knew then that Greg wasn't a monster, just a hungry animal.
KayeC Jones
#78. And Sam Vimes thought: Why is Young Sam's nursery full of farmyard animals anyway? Why are his books full of moo-cows and baa-lambs? He is growing up in the city. He will only see them on a plate! They go sizzle!
Terry Pratchett
#79. Casey doesn't trust him."
"Casey doesn't trust anyone," I replied. "He's paranoid like that. I mean, come on, he's a werewolf who installed a nanny cam in his kids' room." I pointed my spoon at Ali for emphasis. "A nanny cam.
Jennifer Lynn Barnes
#80. There's nothing worse than the day you find out that your parents are nasty, horny mortals like everyone else. It just kills your childhood.
Candice Raquel Lee
#81. Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.
S.K. Tremayne
#82. Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks, chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth.
Beverly Cleary
#83. There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.
Criss Jami
#84. Kaylee giggled as he tunneled up inside her sleeve.
Out popped his head for a quick look, then he took leave.
He enjoyed scaling up, down and around her shirt.
What a sweet, funny and adorable flirt.
Melinda K. Trotter
#85. Either you have a sense of humor about [being a former child star], or you're in rehab. There's not a lot of gray area.
Wil Wheaton
#86. It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.
George W. Bush
#87. Normal life is presentable. In normal life, you clean up the kitchen and keep your balcony tidy and take care of your children. It's hard work
harder than one might think.
Fredrik Backman
#88. The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.
Elias Zapple
#89. You know teenage boys, you own one-Mason Lerner
Natasha Larry
#90. That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.
Noel Fielding
#91. The smaller girl hid her eyes with her hands, and Ewan smiled. Did she think that would make her invisible?
C.J. Milbrandt
#92. Can you imagine our Penny with Meryn's daughter?" she asked turning to Colton.
Colton smiled at first, then her words began to sink in. His brows came together and he began to frown. He looked over to Aiden. "Do they make tracking devices for children?
Alanea Alder
#93. Heroic," Crane told Baines contemptuously. "Old women, idiot children, bound men, you'll take on all comers. There's a three-legged stray dog hangs around the lanes here. Perhaps someday you could work up to kicking that.
K.J. Charles
#94. I know that big people don't like questions from children. They can ask all the questions they like, How's school? Are you a good boy? Did you say your prayers? but if you ask them did they say their prayers you might be hit on the head.
Frank McCourt
#95. A big part of the humor is in identifying with the tragic elements of the film. The New Zealand sense of humor is very dark. Our films are usually very dark and it's always someone being killed. Usually a child.
Taika Waititi
#96. I wonder if a fish's
One and only wish is
That other fish will never say,
This fish is sure delicious!
Brian Rock
#97. Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives.
Bauvard
#98. Nicu: It's not fair! Everybody has fangs but me, and I can't even turn into a bat properly. Sometimes when I try I end up as a sparrow!
Elias Zapple
#99. Nothing's really changed since then, except that now any children we have might be wizards themselves, and I'll be hopelessly outnumbered.
Eilis O'Neal
#100. And however much the princess was assured that in our time young people themselves must settle their fate, she was unable to believe it, as she would have been unable to believe that in anyone's time the best toys for five-year-old children would be loaded pistols.
Leo Tolstoy
