Top 100 Business Humor Quotes
#1. The greatest irony is that people with Rolodexes are no longer LinkedIn. And if that pun doesn't make sense, don't ask anyone in your Rolodex to explain it.
Ryan Lilly
#2. If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.
Barbara Kingsolver
#3. Truax held up a business card. Randolph "The Hammer" Tinker Attorney at Law "I nail justice in the face.
Chris Genoa
#4. Anyone in the humor business isn't thinking clearly if he doesn't surround himself with idea people. Otherwise, you settle for mediocrity - or you burn yourself out.
Hank Ketcham
#6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
Dave Barry
#7. I have a business appointment that I am anxious ... to miss.
Oscar Wilde
#8. Who ... what are they?"
"My pride and glory," Alex said fondly. "Betty and Lucy Coltrane. Best damned bouncers in the business. Though of course I'd never tell them that. Fiercer than pit bulls and cheaper to run. Married to each other. They had a dog once, but they ate it.
Simon R. Green
#9. You're tough when you need to be, and you can charm the pants off men who have three times your experience.
Well, yes. Although I try not to take advantage of that too often. Very awkward negotiating with people who are sitting around in their underwear.
Julie James
#10. Why should I trust you?" Her eyes narrowed. "All I really know about you is that you're not loyal to your girlfriends, you treat one-night stands like crap, and apparently you've made quite a name for yourself not only in the business world, but also in the bedroom since we last met.
Zoe Forward
#12. Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.
Lewis Black
#13. I've been on jobs like that before, everyone stuck on the money not the work, watching their backs every minute. Bad for your health and your business. We'll do this civilised, or not at all. What do you say?
"I say civilised," said Shenkt. "For pity's sake, let's kill like honest men.
Joe Abercrombie
#14. Life is all about exploring yourself, discovering yourself and grooming yourself, then you will surely stop negative thinking.
Ehabib
#15. The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.
Scott Adams
#16. Yes, I have a good sense of humor to sort of last a long time in show business, and I think to be able to find comedic value in who you are and the people that you work is always a good thing.
Jane Krakowski
#17. Religion is a killing business, churches are now full of murderers.
Sunday Adelaja
#18. Building relationships is building business. Also, you sometimes need other people to kill all the motherfucking zombies.
Jesse Petersen
#19. Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.
Victor J. Stenger
#20. A wise man (or the first comedian in history) once said, "If you wish to make God laugh, tell him your plans." This is why during praying, I occasionally slip in my business plans. If there were an internet of somekind in heaven, my story would've been forwarded to everyone even before lunch break.
Isman H. Suryaman
#22. Going to work every day was like my hair was on fire and all I had to put it out was a hammer.
Bethany McLean
#23. She'll read your mind like nobody's business.
Jayde Scott
#24. I have become conscious of my own "cry face." My face puckers like the business end of a hot dog except for my mouth, which stretches in a grimace so wide as to accommodate said hotdog horizontally within it. It's not pretty.
Kelly Wilson
#25. To the champ, everything is serious business. I'm hoping that he'll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.
Stephen King
#26. Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.
Tom Robbins
#27. Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.
Eugene Mirman
#28. I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just another penguin -different, less predictable, occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he sits still and minds his own business.
Bernard Stonehouse
#29. She wanted a degree in business technology, not to be the next freaking Nora Roberts.
Mari Carr
#30. There's plenty of room for humor in politics, God knows, but it's a serious business.
Al Franken
#31. Oh, the things she would say if she could--but it's a minefield of courtesies and manners, this dying business.
Jess Walter
#32. I have a theory that sometimes people think they need to talk as much as possible, almost as if talking more equates to knowing more.
Mary Mihalic
#33. I have always understood that money made in the patent medicine business is a practical bar to social success.
George Presbury Rowell
#34. I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!
Jerry Falwell
#35. I think up until the point when we started in the business, which was in the early '70s, most of the humor was political. The smart humor was political satire.
David Zucker
#36. He turned his gaze upon her, and their eyes not only met, the pupils shook hands, exchanged business cards, and sat down for tea together.
John Moore
#37. In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.
Jim Butcher
#38. Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear ... from my future Kids' Funny Business.
Ivan Stoikov
#39. People don't stop being bullies when they grow up. They just dress differently to fool you.
Patti Digh
#40. I love the business. Hooking is
just acting laced with lust."
BUNNY Stilettos And Steel
Jeri Estes
#41. Today's business and health care climate may not be pleasant. Cutbacks, pay cuts and layoffs do not make anyone's job easy. But that does not mean that the humor need stop.
Allen Klein
#42. She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay."
"Did you suggest she ask him?"
Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow.
Lisa Lutz
#43. Jude gave Chubs a long look of appraisal. "You had day-of-the-week underwear growing up, didn't you?"
Chubs merely pushed the glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I don't see how that's any of your business.
Alexandra Bracken
#44. I am yet to meet the idiot at whose door success arrived as a direct result of his refusal to invest in the enterprise that made him rich.
Jonathan Wutawunashe
#45. I'm a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.
Dora J. Arod
#46. It is easier to conduct business with giant cookies.
Gasmaskman
#47. I'm at the corner of None of Your Business and Screw You.
Jeaniene Frost
#48. A project goal like a joke. If you have to explain it, it is not good / fun.
Gerry Geek
#49. A lifetime in the business had taught her that, apart from the few good people that work along-side you,nobody is to be trusted,ever,because sooner or later they'll let you down,sure as God made little green apples. And, when you came to think of it,hadn't that been the dirtiest trick of them all?
Tom Holt
#50. The problem with taxation is that authors can't write off whiskey as a business expense.
Bryan Way
#51. An uncontrolled sense of humor is often costly in business.
William Feather
#52. Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.
Giannina Braschi
#53. If you look into the footnotes of the business model for Apple Computer you'll see that they actually give the computers away for free; they just charge for the inflated sense of self-worth.
Christian Lander
#54. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry
#55. Above the podium stood a decorated board showing the agenda for the day. The first item of business was the world urban crisis, the second - the ecology crisis, the third - the air pollution crisis, the fourth - the energy crisis, the fifth - the food crisis. Then adjournment.
Stanislaw Lem
#56. Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?"
"You may ask."
"How old are you?"
"It's none of your business
Christopher Pike
#57. You kids today don't understand. You go into the stalls, and you sit on the toilets, and you read your comic books. But you never think about the brave cleaning supplies that gave their lives so you could have a safe place to do your business.
Beth Labonte
#58. I hear Raleigh's new accounting business isn't doing well. Maybe up in New York or somewhere it's a good thing, but in Jackson, Mississippi, people just don't care to do business with a rude, condescending asshole.
Kathryn Stockett
#59. Happiness is a tricky business. It may not have as much to do with doing as it has to do with not doing.
Art Hochberg
#60. Who was the moron on the phone?"
"Carl Avery," Kate said. "A long-standing client and potential felon.
Jennifer Crusie
#61. I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
#62. I should have said no, but if the tech half of the business got himself killed, who would update the website?
Lindsay Buroker
#63. On the prow of the wagon, in an attempt to attract business among the Quarterites, Ignatius taped a sheet of Big Chief paper on which he had printed in crayon: TWELVE INCHES (12) OF PARADISE. So far no one had responded to its message.
John Kennedy Toole
#65. I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Steve Martin
#66. I have always looked upon a telephone as an official kind of machine which you prepared for with fasting and prayer, and only had recourse to when strictly necessary for important business.
C.N. Williamson
#67. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
John M. Gottman
#68. No funny business. I'll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears
Penelope Fletcher
#69. Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. - It is not fair. - He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of other people's mouths. - I do not like him, and do not mean to like Waverley if I can help it - but fear I must.
Jane Austen
#70. The only other people who have had experiences similar to those of this man were locked up inside institutions for the criminally insane. The difference is, this guy gets business cards.
Augusten Burroughs
#71. He's always asking: 'Is that new? I haven't seen that before.' It's like, Why don't you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.
Michelle Obama
#72. A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else's.
Kathy McClary
#73. I always have my own opinion before my boss says his.
Gerry Geek
#74. What goes in your butthole is your business, all we care about is making sure Chipotle is what comes out of it. - Rodrigo Chipotle
Kindle Alexander
#75. A title from the1966 movie
"The Russians Are Coming,
The Russians Are Coming,"
gives a new meaning to
a phrase: "wait a minute,
we've seen this movie before
Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur
#76. Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.
Steuart Henderson Britt
#77. It is only when the mirror has not spoken to Chimpanzee in a plain language that it thinks it looks more better than the Gorilla
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
#78. Payback takes many forms but from the business-end of a Christmas turkey isn't a form I would've bet on...
Jonathan Dunne
#79. I don't know about this here eternal marriage business. But it seems to me that if you can't live with the sons-of-bitches on earth the Lord won't force you to remain with them in heaven.
J. Golden Kimball
#80. I didn't have any money or ID. I didn't have a credit card. Hell, I didn't have a business card.
What would it say? 'Harry Dresden, Winter Knight, Targets Slain, No Barbecues, Waterslides, or Fireworks Displays.
Jim Butcher
#81. When it comes to scary business, I believe that forewarned is forearmed.
Cary McNeal
#83. Let's form a committee tasked with exploring why committees are so ineffective. Then we'll stand-back and watch it argue and self-destruct.
Ryan Lilly
#84. Real estate is the best investment on earth, however, when the music stops playing, which happens occasionally, don't be the one left without a chair.
Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur
#85. But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so.
Kay Redfield Jamison
#86. Make a concise statement clearly and you should only need to say it once.
Mary Mihalic
#87. Morris Weissman [on the phone, discussing casting for his movie]: What about Claudette Colbert? She's British, isn't she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British?
Julian Fellowes
#89. When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine
Margaret Thatcher
#90. So began one of the fiercest and strangest battles ever fought, a battle that involved all manner of business supplies, elegant clothing and accessories, and no shortage of trickery and taunts.
Trenton Lee Stewart
#91. Television is a dirty business. To survive in it you have to be part weasel, part python, and part wolf. To succeed in it, you have to be 99.9 percent great white shark. The capacity for barefaced lying also comes in handy, particularly if you are freelance.
Matt Dickinson
#92. I think it would be hard to go the distance in this business without a sense of humor.
Patricia Clarkson
#93. The Devil, it is true, is not exactly a doctor who has taken degrees, but he is very learned, very expert for all that. He has not been carrying on his business during thousands of years for nothing ...
Martin Luther
#94. Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
Grenville Kleiser
#95. Execution strategies: do / buy / delegate / forget.
Gerry Geek
#96. About as much business as a cat owner has selling dog food. Or an Olympic swimmer has advertising for downhill ski equipment. Or a nun writing hard core erotica.
Abso-fucking-none.
Laurel Ulen Curtis
#97. There were a lot of terms you had to learn, as opposed to the shylock business where all you had to know how to say was 'Give me the fuckin money.
Elmore Leonard
#98. In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.
Lois Greiman
#99. Don't worry, I'm not quitting. I've decided I'm going to stay and
make his life a living hell while I run his business into the ground.
Kim to Abe
Devon Rhodes
#100. I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect ... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
Rodney Dangerfield
