Top 100 Writers Humor Quotes
#1. You deserve good sperm. You've waited a long time.
Buffy Andrews
#2. If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.
Christy Hall
#3. She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet?"
Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet?"
For once Auto Correct got it right.
Christy Hall
#5. I don't know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers. They spend all day thinking of the perfect plot on how to kill someone and get away with it.
Shannon L. Alder
#6. Writers were a strange sort; I knew that much from the newspapers.
Chris Priestley
#7. Male writers who never find the stabilizing force of an understanding woman in their lives usually end up as the jaded figures of their days, the types who give much artistic expression to the world, but who are lonely in their overcrowded worlds of love.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
#8. He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.
Paula McLain
#9. Don't live with writers. Writers are bastards.
Warren Ellis
#10. There are many premium writers, yes? Tolstoy, yes? He wrote War, and also Peace, which are both premium books.
Jonathan Safran Foer
#11. If you haven't cried at least once while writing a chapter of your inspirational book, then you have to ask yourself if your're writing fiction.
Shannon L. Alder
#12. Writers don't kill characters. Characters kill characters.
MariaLisa DeMora
#13. Humor is like a rhythm; it's like music. And you throw a couple of extra syllables in, you wreck the beat and you kill the laugh. So I try to follow the writers very carefully because I know how carefully they worked to do it that way.
Betty White
#14. Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Flannery O'Connor
#15. Writers understand the world better, but they lack the strength to change it. Perhaps that is so because they understand their limitations more than others.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
#16. But it also became the experience, or was the experience, of the writers who were attracted to this kind of humor. They're all men or women who come from the same kind of experience in their own lives.
Norman Lear
#17. The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.
James Thurber
#18. Thought for the day: Twitter ... 140 character limit ... must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers ...
E.A. Bucchianeri
#20. What is your advice to young writers?"
"Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
Charles Bukowski
#21. It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.
Sloane Crosley
#22. Lunatics are writers whose works write them, Bat." "Not all lunatics are writers, Mrs. Rey-believe me." "But most writers are lunatics, Bat-believe me. The human world is made up of stories, not people.
David Mitchell
#23. Like Flannery O'Connor, McCorkle's genius is to give us both philosophical speculation and a riveting narrative filled with unforgettable characters. Great writing, poignancy, humor, wisdom-all are in abundance here. Jill McCorkle is one of the South's greatest writers; she is also one of America's.
Ron Rash
#24. When I die I hope it may be said:
'Her suffering was black, but her books were read'.
Shannon L. Alder
#25. The humor is essentially dark for a cartoon and sophisticated. But at the same time, being a cartoon gives the writers more freedom than in a normal sitcom. It always pushes the line that, despite human failings, the Simpsons are really decent people.
Dan Castellaneta
#26. It's been my experience that most writers don't talk about their craft
they just do it
Alfred Lansing
#28. There is nothing harder to estimate than a writer's time, nothing harder to keep track of. There are moments - moments of sustained creation - when his time is fairly valuable; and there are hours and hours when a writer's time isn't worth the paper he is not writing anything on.
E.B. White
#29. They say that writers face the blank page. That's not true. It's more like 200 hundred blank pages!
R.S. Mellette
#30. Any writer of horror needs to at least have a good, solid love of the genre. Also, good horror writers need to have a slightly twisted sense of humor. Without humor, horror just isn't as good.
Alistair Cross
#31. One of the things that would be great is to some day have so many women comedy writers that we wouldn't say there's just one type of female humor. There's lots.
Mallory Ortberg
#32. Having writers block sucks more than my actual writing. And my writing would be astonishing if I could write how I feel.
Ally Spina
#33. I reckon Southern writers are a lot like biscuit makers...more than one can give ya a good feed.
Lola Faye Arnold
#34. The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.
Christy Hall
#35. Artists are dishonest creatures really. They foist their version of reality upon us while making it all up. Writers, painters, musicians, auteurs - they're all the same.
Tom Gething From "Sabotage"
#36. Those big-shot writers could never dig the fact that there are more salted peanuts consumed than caviar.
Mickey Spillane
#37. A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner
#38. One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
Benjamin Jowett
#40. There's only one person who needs a glass of water oftener than a small child tucked in for the night, and that's a writer sitting down to write.
Mignon McLaughlin
#41. To call yourself an author takes publishing one book. To call yourself an inspirational author is the work of a lifetime that requires being constantly kicked in the stomach, only to get back up on your feet and show the world how you survived it each time.
Shannon L. Alder
#42. Rowling is a luminous storyteller. I love her sense of humor and the intricate wizarding world she built around Hogwarts. I think all writers aspire to be like her, to capture readers like she does. But I didn't think about 'Harry Potter' when I wrote 'The Bone Season.'
Samantha Shannon
#43. While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature blossoms on the dark soil of tragedy.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#44. There are two MFA programs here at the University of Texas, and I read on the jury of both of them. And it's amazing to me how many really talented young writers seem to fear humor.
Elizabeth McCracken
#45. You know the look: genius gone to pot, and ready to join the Communist Party
William, Saroyan
#46. I know writers who use subtext, and they're all cowards.
Garth Marenghi
#47. What the semicolon's anxious supporters fret about is the tendency of contemporary writers to use a dash instead of a semicolon and thus precipitate the end of the world. Are they being alarmist?
Lynne Truss
#48. [Attending the Sun Dance] There was a smattering of tourists, both serious and recreational. Professors of anthropology and ethnology. Writers of fact and other fiction. A family from Wisconsin pausing on their long, sacred pilgrimage to The Land of Disney.
James D. Doss
#49. This was insane. What was wrong with the world? Didn't they know that ghosts and supernatural powers where little girls helped their dads and uncles solve case didn't exist?
It was books. It was television shows and movies. They had desensitized the world.
Damn writers.
Darynda Jones
#51. Once, if you told people you were self-published, they'd look at you like you were a smelly old jobless hobo just come off a dusty boxcar with soupcan shoes and a hat made from a coyote skull.
Chuck Wendig
#52. Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?
A: Explaining what that is.
Christy Hall
#53. I sometimes think if I did not write I would be a madwoman. Now I am a sane woman with a lot of mad pages.
Kendall Hailey
#54. Don't listen to writers. They're messed up - that's why they're writers!
Chocolate Waters
#55. We fiction writers are a brazen lot, are we not? For we, in our passion, embrace just enough truth to consecrate our delicately contrived lies.
Val Edward Simone
#56. Writing isn't necessarily a gift it is a passion. You can write a one page masterpiece to 99 pages of crap. What keeps you coming back is that Zen moment when you enlightened your own self with a few cleverly arranged words and saved yourself a $200 trip to the shrink, by simply buying a #2 pencil.
Shannon L. Alder
#58. All of my friends want to be in my books, but no one wants to die ... ummm ... I write westerns ... everyone dies.
Barry Andrew Chambers
#59. It seems we would rather have a past filled with great scientists than just great artists and writers who could dream up these wonderful and awe-inspiring creations. It's a strange irony: we're spending our time trying to find the truth in our past, but creating myths of ourselves in the present.
Aditya Iyengar
#60. Writers are the most tormented of all the different categories of artists that are out there in the world.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
#61. Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.
Matthew D. Heines
#62. Writing something new is an effective way to get rid of writer's block. Or you can observe the people around you and fantasize like I do.
B.A. Gabrielle
#63. LEARN FROM THE MASTERS:
Mark Twain once said, "Show, don't tell." This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like "Show, don't tell." Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.
Colin Nissan
#64. A novelist can't be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)
Natsuki Takaya
#65. I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.
P.G. Wodehouse
#66. Normally writers do not talk much,because they are saving their conversations for the readers of their book-
those invisible listeners with whom we wish to strike a sympathetic chord.
Ruskin Bond
#67. People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
C. JoyBell C.
#68. I never understood, what a starving artist was until I became one.
Mary Sage Nguyen
#69. Writers write, everyone else just talks about writing.
Various
#70. Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.
Tina Fey
#72. Writer's block' is just a fancy way of saying 'I don't feel like doing any work today.
Meagan Spooner
#74. Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. - It is not fair. - He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of other people's mouths. - I do not like him, and do not mean to like Waverley if I can help it - but fear I must.
Jane Austen
#75. Some people desire to be famous. I probably wouldn't be very good at it.
Sarah Warman
#76. Writers are encouraged to "keep 'em laughing" and complain "with good humor" in order to "win" allies. The joke is always on ourselves.
Alice Childress
#77. Well you can't believe everything you read. After all, by definition, fiction writers lie for a living.
Janette Rallison
#78. If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
Lemony Snicket
#79. What's my favorite part that I've written? That's like asking me to choose which of my kids is least ugly!
Matthew Catania
#80. The problem with taxation is that authors can't write off whiskey as a business expense.
Bryan Way
#82. Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
Flannery O'Connor
#83. Like so many writers - I need to keep my butt in the chair.
Tina Gayle
#85. Human females, they're kind of crazy during this time aren't they?
If you chose to believe the stories written by male writers.
They heard a bang and thump from the kitchen. Followed by Meg yelling at something.
That many males can't be wrong.
Anne Bishop
#86. I'm a writer. I'm a Christian. I like sex. But I haven't had it. I believe in waiting until marriage. But that doesn't mean I want my characters to.
Michelle N. Onuorah
#87. I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.
Christy Hall
#88. Humor writers:
1) Write
2) Laugh
3) Laugh when they write
4) Write when they laugh
Ann K. Howley
#89. Horror. I can't manage it. I become
well
horrified. Self-help books have a similar effect.
When asked, "Any literary genre you simply can't be bothered with?" - (By the Book: Writers on Literature and the Literary Life from the NYT Book Review, by Pamela Paul)
Emma Thompson
#90. Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.
Shomprakash Sinha Roy
#91. Perhaps if you were to refrain from deploying the phrase 'ignorant
buffoon' with a liberality most writers reserve for 'it' and 'the,'
you would find a readier audience.
Vinnie Tesla
#92. You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.
Christy Hall
#93. I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks
#94. That friend of hers has got to go, though. You're lucky you got stuck with that Dexter guy instead of her.'
'Yeah, but that Dexter couldn't shut his piehole either,' Marlon says. 'I mean, Christ. Artists and writers - let them kill each other off in cage matches; let God sort 'em out.
Dexter Palmer
#95. I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.
Ryan Lilly
#96. The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten.
Roman Payne
#97. I have high hopes for the book and have already made a down payment on a Ferrari. Well, it's actually a small metal model of a Ferrari, kind of like a Dinky Toy, but a little bit bigger.
Paul Benedetti
#98. Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police - preferably in writing.
John Irving
#99. [August] Derleth tried to prevent any other (non-Derleth-approved) writer from writing Cthulhu Mythos stories.If Lovecraft had wanted bad writers to avoid Cthulhu Mythos stories, he wouldn't have written back to August Derleth.
Kenneth Hite
