Toilet Humor Quotes

#1. There was a naked jock on my bed and a thing with tentacles coming out of my toilet. One of these things did not belong, and if you tell me that it was the naked jock, you shouldn't be reading this story.

Johnny Murdoc

#2. Oh well ... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

J.K. Rowling

#3. It was time to leave. He was insufferable, had toilet problems, looked demented to begin with, and now he was the accomplice to a cat killer. Yet did I leave? No, I sat there. And I thought, What has happened to me? Why am I not rising up off the sofa? Why am I not leaving?

Augusten Burroughs

#4. By the way, the next time you see a little girl who's excited for Halloween,and she says,"I want to be Cinderella! I want to be Cinderella!" you'll know that what she's actually saying is,"I want to be Toilet Cleaner! I want to be Toilet Cleaner!" But don't tell her that, because she'll cry.

Adam Gidwitz

#5. I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

Paula Poundstone

#6. He trotted down the hallway on all fours and started in on his second favorite pastime, conversations with plumbing. Just what I needed: Stone, the Toilet Whisperer.

Devon Monk

#7. I'm the bathroom master
I'm a real bowl blaster
Don't mess with me
'Cause I can mess it up faster
With just one flush
I can make a toilet gush
When my sister cleans it up
I just turn her to mush!

R.U. Slime

#8. [We] are, in fact, so close to the amusement park that [our] toilet is referred to as "the log flume.

Dan Adams

#9. Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Kristen Schaal

#10. I'm on the toilet at the 9:30 Club and I'm wondering how mermaids pee.

Becky Albertalli

#11. And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl ... there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go ... ' ... if it hadn't been for his head ...

Bill Cosby

#12. Toilet paper unrolled and slithered
then wrapped around my tummy.
That paper tried to roll me up
into an Egyptian mummy.

Melinda K. Trotter

#13. And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

Bill Cosby

#14. Stay humble as a writer: write on toilet paper.

Jonas Eriksson

#15. People say that if you want to get over someone you should think about them sitting on a toilet, but that only makes me want them more.

Charli Frisky

#16. Is there some kind of rule for when Sam should be a boy and when he's a Wolf?"
"A Wolf lifts his leg and yellows up the snow. A boy has to use the toilet."
"And that will work?"
"Only if he needs to pee.

Anne Bishop

#17. As he flushed, an unexpected realization hit him. This is the Pope's toilet, he thought. I just took a leak in the Pope's toilet. He had to chuckle. The Holy Throne.

Dan Brown

#18. What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Frankie Boyle

#19. Her boyfriend, Camdon or Brandon or whatever his name is, tosses Callie his wallet and says, 'Gotta take a leak.' They exchange a kiss--- which, I mean, why? Is he going to drown in the toilet?

Julie Murphy

#20. So you killed him with what now?"
"I tried that Dr. Phil book at first" ... "And I finished it off with the toilet seat. Just so you know, you left it up again. That drives me crazy.

Jesse Petersen

#21. We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.'
'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use.

Adam Rex

#22. Go dangle your withered parts over the toilet!' Ignatius screamed savagely.

John Kennedy Toole

#23. You know it's the 21st Century when someone TEXTS you from the washroom to ask you to bring them a roll of toilet paper.

Tanya Masse

#24. Trust me-that toilet and me were best friends for the first few days I was here.

Alexander Gordon Smith

#25. Poop humor is fun. If you do the toilet scenes well and commit to them, they can be really, really powerful.

Sandra Bullock

#26. Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.

Quinn Loftis

#27. Somebody's going to be reading, right? Wrong. They're FBing. Doing a Number Two. Maybe I shouldn't have had those chilli peppers. Hope y'all having a good day! - Coming from a toilet not far from you. xxxx

Hope Barrett

#28. Life before toilet paper was not worth living.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#29. His stream lasted so long I thought about throwing a quarter into the toilet bowl to make a wish.

Atom Yang

#30. The only process you've mastered is the process of elimination, and the only reason you've mastered that is because you can do it in the toilet.

Orson Scott Card

#31. Wow, he must get more ass than a toilet seat!

Kresley Cole

#32. I don't like a clever toilet looking at our butts.

Emma Donoghue

#33. Marla said, This isn't like when guys sit backward on the toilet and pretend it's a motorcycle. This is a genuine accident.

Chuck Palahniuk

#34. You hear even a hint that a blizzard's coming, Roxanne Giselle, you go straight to the store and buy toilet paper, you hear me? And make a pot of chili or stew. Don't get caught out. I don't want a phone call saying you starved to death, stuck in the house with no stew.

Kristen Ashley

#35. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

John Swartzwelder

#36. You are one of the unfortunate ones whose body decays rapidly in the face of radiation poisoning. You hang your head over the toilet to vomit again and again, and die praying to the porcelain gods.

A.J. Lauer

#37. You okay, chuck?
I nodded, or tried to, anyway. To be honest, I was pretty confused and disorientated. The three thoughts circling round my head were How was I going to get to my toilet now?, Oh my God, I can see Evan's cock! and Did Rai just say he wanted untying?

Josephine Myles

#38. The train resembles the Soviet type and is quite comfortable, but all socialist structures I have ever encountered have toilets stemming from a single model engineered by the Orthodox Church in Tsarist Russia to ensure that man never be allowed to forget the corruption of the flesh.

Arthur Miller

#39. There was a toilet in the far corner, with nothing in it except basic facilities and about a trillion bacteria. It was like a huge three-dimensional petri dish.

Lee Child

#40. No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.

J.K. Rowling

#41. He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look so good!

Leia Shaw

#42. You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Kami Garcia

#43. If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?

David Sedaris

#44. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Erma Bombeck

#45. I can't do it, if I finish that, I'll have to attach a seat belt to the toilet.
Maybe an airbag too.

J.A. Konrath