Top 92 Secret Humor Quotes
#1. No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor.
Nick Offerman
#2. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
#3. So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.
Alison Larkin
#4. It is imperative that a woman keep her sense of humor intact and at the ready. She must see, even if only in secret, that she is the funniest, looniest woman in her world, which she should also see as being the most absurd world of all times.
Maya Angelou
#5. Even Colin - the golden boy, the man with the easy smile and devilish humor - had raw spots of his own. He was haunted by unfulfilled dreams and secret insecurities. How unfair she had been when she'd pondered his life, not to allow him his weaknesses.
Julia Quinn
#6. Ghosts!" gasped Alice. "Real, live ghosts?"
"No! Not 'real, live ghosts!' Spooky, dead ghosts!
Kellyn Roth
#7. All women know that bridesmaid dresses are a secret plot if the devil.
Helena S. Paige
#8. I thought you guys were doing some kind of secret role-playing shit.
M.D. Saperstein
#9. I'm a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact.
Hugh Grant
#10. Vayl, this is not a pleasant moment for me," I confessed.
"No?"
"Locked in a windowless, doorless room with a dancing, headless corpse and a secret sucker that can move fast enought to tear us both a new one if I miss?
Jennifer Rardin
#11. I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don't eat! Who knew?
Richelle E. Goodrich
#12. And a secret inward voice in my head was saying (in a strange breathy voice ... ) Yes, yessss, I will pop round to The Blind Pig. I will 'pop' round because guess who lives at the Blind Pig? It is not a blind pig, it is Alex.
Louise Rennison
#13. Jerry thought about what a letter of recommendation from a council of wizards would look like in his resume file.
"Totally secret," he said firmly.
Rick Cook
#14. As soon as we got back I ran upstairs and told everyone the story, thus telling everyone the alarm code, thus breaking one of the Ten Commandments when I lied and said I'd keep the code a secret. As I've known for a long, long time now, hell is going to be totally fucking worth it.
Sarah Royal
#15. The things you can't do will always outnumber the things you can do, and it doesn't matter. The secret of life is this, as the Actress said to the Bishop, 'Find your thing, and get on with it!
Anthony Chapman
#16. It is odd how, when you have a secret belief of your own which you do not wish to acknowledge, the voicing of it by someone else will rouse you to a fury of denial.
Agatha Christie
#17. No building should be
A secret from Apollo
Or drop bricks on him
Rick Riordan
#18. The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.
Stephen Colbert
#20. And often Lisa thought bitterly of the ideas she had held on "college life" before coming to Denton, ideas and images culled from a hundred magazine stories and as many movies. Where were the convertibles, the secret bottles of liquor, the gay young men and their wild girl friends?
Grace Metalious
#21. Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.
Bill Maher
#22. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx
#23. You've met our guards." He gestured at the silent cylindrical guide. "The secret warriors: the binja.
China Mieville
#24. It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn't the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves.
Richelle Mead
#25. I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
Adam Ferrara
#26. The secrets I receive reflect the full spectrum of complicated issues that many of us struggle with every day: Intimacy, trust, meaning, humor, and desire.
Frank Warren
#27. I will take his secret to the grave, telling people I meet on the way.
Tom Stoppard
#29. The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven.
Mark Twain
#30. I agreed to keep the cards a secret and asked my grandmother if she believed in magic. She said she did not but that, surprisingly, magic worked even if you did not believe in it.
Michael Chabon
#31. Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?
Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of.
Toba Beta
#32. If by 'foe' you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I'd fall into the 'friend' category," I replied cynically. "Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.
M.A. George
#33. My secret is cool and mysterious like a jagged scar across my chest, and not dull and heavy like I gave up church buy not the angst.
J.C. Lillis
#34. A mind without a secret is with a question mark! A mind with so many secrets shall attract an exclamation one day!
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
#35. There are men on that Commission who would steal the brakes off a mountain railway just before they went down in it...It's a struggle with suicidal imbeciles.
The Secret Places of The Heart (Kindle Location 59)
H.G.Wells
#36. What did people do before they could go online and find answers to secret problems? Oh right, they killed themselves
Davida Wills Hurwin
#37. Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off.
Spider Robinson
#38. If this were a movie, I would bust a secret move so fierce the entire place would be razed to the ground. I'd finish with something snappy like "And don't forget my soda, punk" while I strolled off into the night.
Libba Bray
#39. Kira: L, do you know
Gods of death
love apples?
L: Damn you, Kira ...
Tsugumi Ohba
#40. It was hard to tell if he was lying, or really believed his own bullshit. "We're good for each other. You give me what I need. I give you what you need. No one needs to know what that is because it's a secret between us. So we put on our suit. That's the investment: us.
Dan Skinner
#41. The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor, because marriage throws you curveballs. It is not easy.
Ann Romney
#42. We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff.
M. Beth Bloom
#43. Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.
The Covert Comic
#44. How's Alison getting on?'
Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time.
Tana French
#45. She doesn't know," Cate said. "Kellen is a secret. I didn't think my mother would approve."
"Why wouldn't your mother approve?" Pugg asked.
"It's my job," Kellen said. "I kill people. It pays well, but it's not universally socially acceptable.
Janet Evanovich
#46. The secret to success is to subjugate your ego and serve others.
Stuart Wilde
#47. The balanced adult retains an inner child. The secret is to know when to put him away.
Anthony North
#48. We have to remember not to tell them, each of them, that they are our new leader. It would only frighten them off, W. says. No one should ever know he or she is our leader, we agree. Only we should know. And we should follow them in secret.
Lars Iyer
#49. Hey, Mom and Dad, this is my "friend" Jamie. My boyfriend Jamie. We're going to England together. Also, I met him in a secret society. We're Diggers,folks. And Eli graduates. And in love.What do you think?
Diana Peterfreund
#50. I said she's not thick, kid. I didn't say she was Professor fucking Moriarty.
Tana French
#51. But having people meet my family was a secret fear. It would be like taking someone to a dark room to show them my anal fissures, and you can't just go introducing everybody to your anal fissures. Only special people get to see such as that.
Harrison Scott Key
#52. For the first time in memory, I was unable to sleep not because I was anxious but because I was excited. To live in a damp crowded asshole and sing
if these guys don't know the secret to living, I don't know who does. (The Grieving Owl, page 157)
David Sedaris
#53. It was like the Secret Garden.
Of dead people.
Chelsea Fine
#54. My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.
Brian Spellman
#55. New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail
it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you 007, but the Victoria's Secret catalog isn't actually a secret.
Bill Maher
#56. They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.
Bill Watterson
#57. As we continue toward the fifth secret technique of psychics, I have a gut feeling that you are the sort of person that lets your heart rule your head, can sometimes be too impulsive for your own good, and have recently come into contact with a goat. Rest assured you are not the only one.
Richard Wiseman
#58. Celibacy is the Tesla family secret, passed down through the
generations."
"Celibacy, passed down through the generations?"Victor asked dryly.
I flushed. "Its efficacy is not disproved by its imperfect application,"
I muttered.
Vinnie Tesla
#59. You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?
Nalini Singh
#60. I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.
David Cross
#61. When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all.
Joyce Brothers
#62. I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels."
"Oh, they do that!" Amy laughs. "Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though, is to start with one you're not that bothered about."
What is the point in that?
Teri Terry
#63. Well, it's not easy to find something that you do not know exists.
Patricia Nedelea
#64. Believe it or not, this simple phrase, "Yes! And . . ." is the secret of improv.
Amy Lisewski
#65. If humor and rumor are needed more than faith and truth,
then it tells me something about the kind of world we live today.
Toba Beta
#66. The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.
Peter S. Beagle
#67. She had a tall bearing and a tall voice and a tall manner, and was tall in every respect except height. Amazingly, she'd apparently been able to keep this a secret from people.
Terry Pratchett
#68. You've heard about the knitter's handshake? Two hands go in for the grab-and-shake, but at the last minute, they veer to the closest sleeve or band and grab it instead while we ask, "Did you knit this?
Clara Parkes
#69. I wondered what the FML post would look like.
"Today, when my father tried to shoot me, I found out he was an assassin monger who's been keeping my mom locked away in a secret facility for freaky killers. FML."
Seriously. F.M.L.
Jus Accardo
#70. I'll let you in on a secret. I don't drink coffee."
I genuinely gasped in horror. "The devil you say. Java is the nectar of the gods. I don't know if I can be with a man who doesn't drink coffee." I knew there was something sinister about him. I had no idea it would be that bad.
Charlie Cochet
#71. We are puzzle pieces, bragging about being puzzle pieces, rather than being the picture.
Tom Althouse
#72. My mom once told me that my dad had given me an alliterative name, Wade Watts, because he thought it sounded like the secret identity of a superhero. Like Peter Parker or Clark Kent.
Ernest Cline
#73. Secret 3963. It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter.
The Covert Comic
#74. They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures.
Henry David Thoreau
#76. But here's my secret, what I think has gotten my husband and I through over twenty years, my sister through almost thirty, and my folks through almost over fifty: humor. We laugh at ourselves, each other, at pretty much everything.
Rachel Thompson
#77. I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on.
Annabel Pitcher
#79. I was tired of this silly joking about my 'speaking countenance'. I could keep a secret as well as anyone. Poirot had always persisted in the humiliating belief that I am a transparent character and that anyone can read what is passing in my mind.
Agatha Christie
#80. Patience slows down time and more can happen when time is slowed down. That's the secret of patience.
Art Hochberg
#81. Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
Terry Pratchett
#82. I think I've discovered the secret of life
you just hang around until you get used to it.
Charles M. Schulz
#83. There are times, Sember, when I could believe your mother had a secret lover. Looking at you makes me wonder if it was one of my goats.
David Gemmell
#84. I am no longer a Silent Brother," he said. "Only an ordinary man. My name is James, James Carstairs. But everyone calls me Jem.
Cassandra Clare
#85. That's it! Victoria's Secret and I are through!
Jillian Dodd
#86. I'll let you in on a secret: I can't stand Jay Ward. I hate being compared to Rocky and Bullwinkle. It's just a different style of humor.
John Kricfalusi
#87. Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are? By his words you'd think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I'm off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he'd be like, oh no please don't do that. In
reality, he'd have to kill me.
L. H. Cosway
#88. Did you get a secret thrill out of sitting across from me, eating a civilized dinner while pretending not to know you were teasing my cock?" Rate St. Sebastian
Samanthe Beck
#89. The severest test of character is not so much the ability to keep a secret as it is, when the secret is finally out, to refrain from disclosing that you knew it all along.
Sydney J. Harris
#90. The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse
Bill Watterson
#91. You play because you have a guilty attraction to supernatural beasts and harlequin love stories, but you harbour the secret presumption that you could write them way better yourself. Good. This is your opportunity to prove it.
Avery Alder
#92. My mother was either telepathic or she had secret cameras in my apartment, and I hoped for the latter.
Atom Yang
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