Top 45 Mothers Humor Quotes
#2. *marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*
'You're a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.
Camille Pagan
#3. Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Ambrose Bierce
#4. When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck
#5. My first words, as I was being born [ ... ] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.
Stephen Fry
#6. Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?
Erma Bombeck
#7. One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that , in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.
James D. Watson
#8. Jack Woodson is currently living and working in Dallas, TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers.
John Pearson
#9. Unbelievable! You are unbelievable! First you ruin my life and then you blame it on my period!
Jane Aire
#10. Lets ignore our mothers' well-meant advice.
Anne Taintor
#12. Never underestimate the fury of an angry mother, Caspar. They're the most vicious creatures in the world.
Elizabeth Hunter
#13. [Lynda's mother] You're stupid and you don't know it, that's you're problem. You talk, talk, talk, all the time. No one wants to listen to an idiot.
[Young Lynda] Uh. OK. Thanks, Mom.
Lynda Barry
#14. Our fathers were demons,' Catarina said. 'Our mothers were heroes.
Cassandra Clare
#16. Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn't trust "Mothers of Borogravia!" and that was from the government. And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust?
Very nearly everyone, come to think of it ...
Terry Pratchett
#17. She raised us with humor, and she raised us to understand that not everything was going to be great-but how to laugh through it.
Liza Minnelli
#18. Mom isn't content taking a stroll down memory lane. She's bought a condo and spends half the year there.
Paula Wall
#19. Amnesty International should list all daughters as prisoners of war.
Paula Wall
#20. I resign," says Velvel. He takes off his glasses, slips them into his pocket, and stands up. He forgot an appointment. He's late for work. His mother is calling him on the ultrasonic frequency reserved by the government for Jewish mothers in the event of lunch.
Michael Chabon
#21. I do not understand what makes mothers think they are walking-talking thermometers.But I think somewhere during the process of giving birth and changing diapers, they actually begin to belive they have this supernatural sense.
Melody Carlson
#22. Clarity and focus doesn't always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.
Shannon L. Alder
#23. Mom recognizes only two sources of wisdom
the bible and Hallmark.
Paula Wall
#24. My mother was either telepathic or she had secret cameras in my apartment, and I hoped for the latter.
Atom Yang
#25. Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not.
Sydney Strand
#26. Girls," their mother interjected, "you must both stop being strange - it is unattractive. And don't forget your hats. It would be absolutely the end for me if you two came down with freckles at a time like this.
Anna Godbersen
#27. Englishmen are not usually softened by appeals to the memory of their mothers.
Rudyard Kipling
#28. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
#29. You're not by any chance my stepmother are you?" Min said to her mother's reflection. "Because that would explain so much.
Jennifer Crusie
#30. One would think that since Hamilton and Eliza only just got married, our mothers would be satisfied for a while, but instead they seem to have come to the conclusion that everyone needs to enter into the state of wedded bliss. Quite frankly, they've turned scary.
Jen Turano
#31. Once they've borne children, mothers can construct virtually any costume using scissors, felt, Elmer's glue, and a leftover pen spring. They're like the Special Forces of crafts.
Drew Magary
#32. The bride's getting ready to toss her bouquet, so get me up there! Mom said the day after she turned 96.
June Shaw
#33. I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I'm petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!
Tanya Masse
#34. That's your mom, right?" Pathik smiled. "She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.
Teri Hall
#35. You want me to invite him to dinner."
"I want you to invite him to dinner," she agreed.
"You know," he said, "most gay men don't have mothers who are this enthusiastic about their love lives."
"That's probably true," she said. "You're one of the lucky ones.
Matthew Haldeman-Time
#36. I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari - I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.
Ilona Andrews
#37. Well, this was nice, Mom. I really appreciate your visit. We
should do this again sometime. Should I walk you to the door, or
do you know how to get to hell all by yourself?
Ty Mitchell
#38. This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.
Ben Aaronovitch
#39. I'm a mother," said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, "and I know what I know.
Neil Gaiman
#40. My rugrats give me gifts that say "#1 Mom" on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters.
Karen Alpert
#41. How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline.
"I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave."
"Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline.
"Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.
Neil Gaiman
#42. You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.
Cynthia Hand
#44. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
#45. Mothers! They promise you they'll never get married again, and next thing you know you're a bridesmaid.
Mindy Schanback
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
