Math Humor Quotes

#1. A mathematician may say anything he pleases, but a physicist must be at least partially sane.

J.Williard Gibbs

#2. The ocean is a Turing machine, the sand is its tape; the water reads the marks in the sand and sometimes erases them and sometimes carves new ones with tiny currents that are themselves a response to the marks.

Neal Stephenson

#3. Not only can I teach you math, I can teach you math in bed, Jordan. You know, I'll add the bed, you subtract the clothes, you divide the legs, and I'll multiply

Miranda Kenneally

#4. In geometry, whenever we had to find the area of a circle, pi * radius squared, I would get really hungry for pie. Square pie.

Dan Florence

#5. Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

Augusten Burroughs

#6. Only in math can you buy sixty cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you.

Charles M. Schulz

#7. It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of nature whereas physicists are convinced that it is a mathematical theorem.

Mark Kac

#8. Really, there was only one problem with Mr. Davis, as far as Gregory was concerned; He taught math.

Greg Pincus

#9. No old Men (excepting Dr. Wallis) love Mathematicks.

Isaac Newton

#10. My job is to draw little points on little graphs and to derive little information.

Anonymous

#11. Everyone hated Calculus. Quadratic equations, parabolas, logarithms, trigonometry - you name it. It was like floating in an endless, frictionless void traveling at x miles per hour at a descension rate of one half the speed of gravity. Solve for x.

Andrew Sturm

#12. Statement: A girl and a boy jump into a river. The boy swims over to the girl and says, "God, it's cold."
Question: What's the probability they will kiss?

Jenny Downham

#13. Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy - this boy! - knows nothin' abou' - about ANYTHING?"
Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.
"I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff.

J.K. Rowling

#14. Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.

Anonymous

#15. I still wouldn't be able to control myself around him, and I'm math geek enough to know that equation doesn't work out.

Robin Brande

#16. People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

George Carlin

#17. Surely this marked a new level of achievement in his amatory career. Never before had he charmed the frock off a woman with talk of mathematics. Never before would he have thought to try.

Tessa Dare

#18. The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

Augustine Of Hippo

#19. Some people believe in imaginary friends. I believe in imaginary numbers.

R.M. ArceJaeger

#20. This is all so silly,' said Diko. 'Who cares about what's real and what isn't real? [ ... ] And as for our own history, the parts that will be lost, who cares if a mathematician calls us dirty names like "unreal"? They say such slanders about the square root of minus two as well.

Orson Scott Card

#21. ...the thing about dieting is that it's really horrible and boring for a longer period of time than feeling pretty in small jeans feels. That's just basic math.

Brittany Gibbons

#22. 100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Demetri Martin

#23. Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

Edward Griffith Begle

#24. You can fuck your math teacher but you can't fuck math.

Scott Sigler

#25. I think you mother has Asperger's," Georgie had said to Neal.
"They didn't get Asperger's int he '50s."
"I'm just saying maybe she's on the the spectrum."
"She's just a math teacher.

Rainbow Rowell

#26. The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.

Gian-Carlo Rota

#27. MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?
ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.
MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?
ME: MATH.

KanyaACoffman

#28. Can I just say that I don't care if two planes or trains or whatever take off from different locations at different times and travel at different speeds. I am not traffic control, so why the hell would I care what time they'd pass each other?

Devon Ashley

#29. Monty Jones: Dad, is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless under the circumstances?
Professor Jones: Yes, yes there is.

David Morgan-Mar

#30. For large values of 1, 1 approaches 2, for small values of 2.

Keith Caserta

#31. I had one class in the morning, the mysteriously named "Further Maths". It was two hours long and so deeply frightening that I think I went into a trance.

Maureen Johnson

#32. If you plug in a number and the math starts getting creepy (anything involving fractions or negative numbers is creepy) ...

Doug Pierce

#33. Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

Tina Fey

#34. Calculus was not math. It was a fucking science experiment gone wrong.

Abbi Glines

#35. Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.

Alan Sitomer

#36. Applied war is where the money's at. I don't mean that figuratively. Defense is 140% of the UVE budget. Offense is twice that. This is possible because there is no budget for math education.

Zach Weinersmith

#37. I care. They bother me. And that's why I'm stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I'm stupid to the power of stupid.

Kami Garcia

#38. What's your angle?" I asked, trying to sound more playful than demanding.
"Isosceles," Jack quipped.

Amanda Hocking

#39. Now Eli was my new neighbor. Which was fine with me because I sucked at Math. Math and I were not on speaking terms.

Shelly Crane

#40. That's a pretty serious club, requiring tattoos. I thought only math club did that. - Jayke to Amber-

Shawn Keenan

#41. Mom actually said that?" Cassie's face shown with happiness. "She always hated my math!"
"Nah," Martin said. "She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents told us what they really think about stuff, we could figure them out like regular people.

Clare B. Dunkle

#42. My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, 'Fifty is the new forty!' Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.

Celia Rivenbark

#43. Does anyone believe that the difference between the Lebesgue and Riemann integrals can have physical significance, and that whether say, an airplane would or would not fly could depend on this difference? If such were claimed, I should not care to fly in that plane.

Richard Hamming

#44. You're probably better at math than I am, because pretty much everyone's better at math than I am, but it's okay, I'm fine with it. See, I excel at other, more important things - guitar, sex, and consistently disappointing my dad, to name a few.

Jennifer Niven

#45. 90% of the game is half mental.

Yogi Berra

#46. But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

A.A. Milne

#47. There are two ways to do great mathematics. The first is to be smarter than everybody else. The second way is to be stupider than everybody else
but persistent.

Raoul Bott

#48. This phrase did not have the ring of verisimilitude because I am famously bad at math. If I'm in charge of tipping at a restaurant, the waiter will either fall to his knees in gratitude or slash my tires. There ain't no Mr. In Between.

Celia Rivenbark

#49. The risk I took was calculated, but, man, am I bad at math!

Unknown

#50. [Harriet] hated math. She hated math with every bone in her body. She spent so much time hating it that she never had time to do it.

Louise Fitzhugh

#51. I've sort of been slacking off in my voodoo studies.I've trigonometry, you know?

Kendare Blake

#52. We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of 'proving theorems.' Is a writer's job mainly that of 'writing sentences?

Gian-Carlo Rota

#53. A strip club is one of the few places where two groups voluntarily come together who have such precipitous contrasts in net worth and familiarity with violence, each group with a head-and-shoulders edge in one category. The basic math of a tropical storm.

Tim Dorsey

#54. Lynn, she saved half our faction from this stuff," says Marlene, tapping the bandage on her arm from where the Dauntless traitors shot her. "Well, half of half of our faction."
"In some circles they call that a quarter, Mar," Lynn says.

Veronica Roth

#55. On Venus you could cook a 16-inch pepperoni pizza in seven seconds, just by holding it out to the air. (Yes, I did the math.)

Neil DeGrasse Tyson