Top 85 Health Humor Quotes
#1. Self-loathing is man's effort to sweep the moon of footprints.
Joseph Grammer
#2. They all come in by themselves" Big Eve told her customers " & nobody is working here as a prostitute against her will." And thus Big Eve regarded her Health Centre as an important local commodity exchange market between those who had some sex to sell & those who wanted to buy it.[MMT]
Nicholas Chong
#3. I am always in a state of Eunoia.
And I'm not in it just for the vowels.
Mark Bradford
#5. I've had a lot of therapists, so I've had the opportunity to approach my fear in many different ways. I've faced it head on and sideways and tried to tiptoe up behind it.
Anna White
#6. Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.
Isman H. Suryaman
#7. What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits'? Does he provide her with health insurance?
Chuck Lorre
#8. Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.
Sol Luckman
#9. Dr. Edward Clarke, a Harvard professor, said it was possible for a girl to study hard and do well in everything, but it would damage her health for the rest of her life, and her children would be shriveled.
Jacky Fleming
#10. Find 100 reasons to laugh. You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Besides unhappiness, what do you have to lose?
Steve Goodier
#11. When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn't let the dog in the recovery room.
Sandy Nathan
#12. It's the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can't watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's tepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health.
Daniel Quinn
#13. Cynicism is humor in ill health.
H.G.Wells
#14. Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:
It is safe, and you can't get safer than safe.
Jonas Salk
#15. ObamaCare is, really, I think the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery - and it is slavery, in a way, because it is making all of us subservient to the government. It was never about health care; it was about control.
Ben Carson
#16. Today's business and health care climate may not be pleasant. Cutbacks, pay cuts and layoffs do not make anyone's job easy. But that does not mean that the humor need stop.
Allen Klein
#17. I say, thirteen is too many dogs for good mental health. Five is pretty much the limit. More than five dogs and you forfeit your right to call yourself entirely sane.
Even if the dogs are small.
E. Lockhart
#18. I asked you here today because the police department asked me to assess your mental health."
I huffed and rolled my eyes. "Already? Seriously? It's been a week." I am fucking sunshine.
Devon Ashley
#19. Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops.
Frank Muir
#20. 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
Henny Youngman
#21. When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!
Benny Bellamacina
#22. Whoever thought up the word 'mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Jan King
#23. I would advocate that chocolate be covered by health insurance, but that is admittedly a very French public policy perspective.
Mireille Guiliano
#24. If health and a fair day smile upon me, I am a very good fellow; if a corn trouble my toe, I am sullen, out of humor, and inaccessible.
Michel De Montaigne
#26. I'm really interested in the link between creativity and humor because humor is a type of creativity, and I do think that humorous people and humorous health helps creativity.
Robert Mankoff
#27. Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
Henny Youngman
#29. If by being overstudious, we impair our health and spoil our good humor, let us give it up.
Michel De Montaigne
#30. I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Steven Wright
#31. What's on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?
Elle Valentine
#32. If illness' end be health regained then I
Will pay you, Asculapeus, when I die.
Adelaide Crapsey
#33. Meanwhile we'll drink your health - queen Alice's health!' she screamed at the top of her voice, and all the guests began drinking it directly ...
Lewis Carroll
#34. One knows so well the popular idea of health: the English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the unbeatable.
Oscar Wilde
#35. If a 6 foot tall talking Badger comes to your door with a great deal on health insurance, be certain to ask if it includes in-patient psychiatric care.
David C. Holley
#37. If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly.
Sandra Byrd
#39. And when we take ourselves too seriously, we are grim about the brothers and sisters, especially the dissenting ones, and there will be no health in us and no healing humor.
Walter Brueggemann
#40. What this means is that children, homemakers, executives, farmers, and long-living persons can all have high ego strength and good mental health if they possess the courage, humor, and flexibility of equilibrium between their rational and metaphoric minds.
Bob Samples
#41. He missed Stephanie, the ease between them, her solid and comforting presence. Sitting across from him, in the light of the fire, she blazed with health and well-being and good humor. "I
Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney
#42. My heart is a Latin American food stall and your love is a health inspector from Zurich.
Tom Robbins
#43. They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me.
Nathaniel Lee
#44. A dialysis patient's life is hard. Laugh harder.
Bob Northam
#45. I can't answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn't fit unless we saw the same shrink.
Brian Spellman
#46. Talking to yourself is okay. Answering back is risky.
Brian Spellman
#47. If you don't smell good, then you don't look good.
Katy Elizabeth
#48. He's got this thing about Canada. He says it's like America only with health care and no guns, and you can live up to your potential there and not have to worry about what society thinks or about getting sick or getting shot.
Ruth Ozeki
#49. Surely he had never fainted in his life! He glowed with robust good health and vibrant energy, as if he could conquer all the world and still have strength for a dance and to rescue a maiden or two.
Amanda McCabe
#51. I don't need a personal trainer ... I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I'm not supposed to!
Tanya Masse
#52. I'm doing boy detox. Like a diet, only for my emotional health.
Becca Fitzpatrick
#53. Ish #303 It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.
Regina Griffin
#54. I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.
Margaret Atwood
#55. I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
Sarah Silverman
#56. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henny Youngman
#57. Prideful fool. It hurt his feelings that he couldn't make my crazy go away. You know how men are. Always trying to fix things can't be fixed.
Ken Wheaton
#59. She laughed - a bit louder than I could have wished in my frail state of health, but then she is always a woman who tends to bring plaster falling from the ceiling when amused.
P.G. Wodehouse
#60. And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.
Mike Birbiglia
#61. Humor and Health,
The staples of wealth.
S Austin
#62. My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.
Michel Templet
#63. When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.
Jimmy Carr
#64. The old man was brilliant at looking somber and energetic at the same time. If he hadn't been the executive of the largest governing body in the history of the human race, he'd have made a killing promoting health drinks.
James S.A. Corey
#65. Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.
Edgar Allan Poe
#66. Tiny Giggles
Silly giggles of laughter
I store upon a shelf
I give some to other
I save some for myself
I am rich beyond all measure
Though not with worldly wealth
I store up these treasures
For my heart and soulful health.
Muse
#67. He thought, Yeah. Yeah, non-smokers live seven years longer. Which seven will be subtracted by the god called Time? It won't be that convulsive, heart-bursting spell between twenty-eight and thirty-five. No. It'll be that really cool bit between eighty-six and ninety-three.
Martin Amis
#68. I've been on jobs like that before, everyone stuck on the money not the work, watching their backs every minute. Bad for your health and your business. We'll do this civilised, or not at all. What do you say?
"I say civilised," said Shenkt. "For pity's sake, let's kill like honest men.
Joe Abercrombie
#69. He was chugging brown pop from a can Jack had handed him while he stuffed nacho cheese Doritos in his face. I was glad to see he looked lots better, almost completely like himself, which proves Doritos and brown pop really are health foods.
P.C. Cast
#70. Literature doesn't exactly have a strong mental-health track record.
Lemony Snicket
#71. Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.
Jen Lancaster
#72. A sense of humor is regarded as a sign of mental health - apart from excessive punning, which is another matter entirely.
Helen Cresswell
#73. Do you smoke, Herr Cabal?"
"Only to be antisocial," replied Cabal, making no move.
Jonathan L. Howard
#75. And if, by the end [of this book], you reckon you might still disagree with me, then I offer you this: you'll still be wrong, but you'll be wrong with a lot more panache and flair than you could possibly manage right now.
Ben Goldacre
#76. A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two ... succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.
Jim Butcher
#77. As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barry
#78. You have built a human relationship on the foundation of asbestos.
Greg Sestero
#80. My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.
Cassandra Clare
#82. He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.
Mark Twain
#83. It is perhaps life's greatest accomplishment to live to old age, maintaining one's wits, one's sense of humor, one's health, and one's charm.
Yehudi Menuhin
#84. You can do this (this thing, where your body will cease to produce hormones and your skin, hair, muscles and bones ... basically every part of you will notice, go into withdrawals, and stage a coup). Be prepared for this mentally, and you'll own this thing.
Lisa Jey Davis
#85. Don't chew your worries, your suffering, or your projects. That's not good for your health. Just chew the string bean.
Thich Nhat Hanh
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