Top 100 Great Humor Quotes
#1. I naively believe that self-love is 80 percent of the solution, that it helps beyond words to take yourself through the day as you would with your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and lots of small treats.
Anne Lamott
#2. If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
Alan King
#3. I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation. I see myself as a performer and that applies to a Greek drama or a modern comedy.
Brendan Coyle
#4. While he was charming and capable of great humor in public, in private, Bezos could bite an employee's head right off.
Brad Stone
#5. The best scary movies have great humor in them and a great story.
Stephen Sommers
#6. Catholic schools carry out a great mission, to serve God by building knowledge and character ... By teaching the word of God, you prepare your students to follow a path of virtue.
George W. Bush
#7. I think I can relate to this guy [Psycho Sam] that ended up ... This desire to go off the grid and live on his own and didn't trust anyone or anything and I guess the thing that saved him in my head was that he had a great sense of humor.
Rhys Darby
#8. My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps.
Warwick Davis
#9. It is also important to guard against mistaking for good-nature what is properly good-humor,
a cheerful flow of spirits and easy temper not readily annoyed, which is compatible with great selfishness.
Richard Whately
#10. A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
Robert Benchley
#11. I tried to go out for theater or theater arts, but I was too scared or too intimidated. But I had a lot of friends on the cross country team that had great senses of humor.
Dana Carvey
#12. One day Satan himself visits, along with his great-grandmother - who is, not surprisingly, a total fucking bitch.
David Rakoff
#13. He was an Atlantean ... older than dirt and dirt's great-grandfather.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#14. I believe there is a great deal too much mutual confession going on today, as if sharing one's problems somehow makes them go away. All it really does, of course, is increase the number of people who have to worry about a particular issue.
Helen Simonson
#15. Great, now I've turned into a manga character who repeated everything everyone said.
Ilona Andrews
#16. Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.
Paul Murray
#17. A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn't leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
#18. Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
Robert Frost
#19. That's the great thing about a sense of humor and a sex drive, you can't wait to share it with everybody else.
Dolly Parton
#20. Sometimes things seem out of our hands. They are, mostly. The great paradox is that this thing is totally out of our hands, or are we creating this as we go along? Then the issue is, "Who is the Creator.
Art Hochberg
#21. It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#22. Poor thing. If she wasn't being thrown into trees or attacked by his kin, she was being mystically flung to the ground by his old, terrifying great-great-aunt.
It was really going to be impossible to talk to Braith in a rational, calm manner after all this.
G.A. Aiken
#23. You're amazing," she whispered hoarsely.
He pushed back the hair from her face. "You too."
"How? All I do is let you play me like a piano."
He chuckled. "You've got a great keyboard.
Ashlyn Chase
#24. Her parents were going to a conference for the weekend. The conference was called "Lawyers are Lovely, Great and Superb: so Why Does Everyone Think that They are Liars, Greedy and Scum?" and Mr Thomson was doing a speech called "Ten Tips to Make Lawyers as Popular as Doctors.
Jaclyn Moriarty
#25. The key to being a great agent is treating everyone like a celebrity and treating a celebrity like everyone else.
Michael Houbrick
#26. But because it was able to balance that kind of humor with a sweet story and characters you really rooted for and also got across the girls' point of view, I've heard nothing but great things from younger and older females as well.
Jason Biggs
#27. Nick: I had a great time. ;)
Delilah: Are you winking at me?
Nick: No, I had something in my emoticon eye ~
M.D. Saperstein
#28. Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
Chelsea Handler
#29. Namaste, Prince of Naga-loka. I'm grateful. You're a fine fellow." He stuck out his tongue and grinned wickedly. "For a royal wriggler."
"Namaste, O flea-ridden tree-climber," Shesha replied, with a fond glint in his eyes. "May your life be as long as you insolence is great.
Lloyd Alexander
#30. You're one of those guys who can make a party just by leaving it. It's a great gift.
P.G. Wodehouse
#32. And I'm leaving you that plant," he lamented. "You are good with plants, aren't you?"
Great, I lied. (I could make the Congo wither and die...)
Wilton Barnhardt
#33. Wouldn't it be great if life was only Legos? If we could give our kids the right, simple building blocks?
Chris Bent
#34. Why are you so nervous?" Tate looked up to see Lucas giving him a dirty look. "This is easier that the regular season, we go out and have fun."
"No, you get to have fun, I need t be super ninja goalie against every great forward in the league.
Toni Aleo
#35. I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.
... Gladys Gudgeon writes weekly ... I just wish I knew why ... "
He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. "I suspect it is simply my good looks ...
J.K. Rowling
#36. I'm interested not just in projects that I'll be starring in, but producing film and TV that's really quality and great for adults; and when I say 'great for adults,' it doesn't mean without humor, because I'm also interested in doing comedy.
Lance Reddick
#37. The original WAS a fun film. [Paul] Verhoeven made a couple of 'Robocops' that were so great, too. I think the level of excitement is great and Arnie [Schwarzenegger] was particularly charismatic with that chopped up English, and the size of the man with his confidence and sense of humor.
Colin Farrell
#38. I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist.
Quentin Tarantino
#39. I have great respect for my parents. I got such beautiful things from both of them. It doesn't mean that we didn't have our rough times, but they were remarkable people who were open-minded, creative and hard-working, and had great senses of humor.
Patti Smith
#40. Congress - that great, benevolent asylum for the helpless
Mark Twain
#41. Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.
David Sedaris
#42. I love humor. I always will fall back on humor. That's something that I think you can't ever get enough of and, if it's done well, it's great. When it's bad, it's horrible.
Sandra Bullock
#43. My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone.
Kacey Musgraves
#44. Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.
Nicole McKay
#45. Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
Kurt Vonnegut
#46. Two young actresses I admire are Emma Stone and Emma Watson, because they are intelligent, talented actresses and have a great sense of humor. They have learned to balance what they love in life - acting, school and everything else.
Kara Hayward
#47. As I developed as an artist and studied art history, I noticed that all the great works were dealing with the human condition. [Art] had humor in it. It had sex in it. But it also had sorrow running through it.
Eric Drooker
#48. Not all gays respond to the same stuff. Would Alexander the Great have loved Auntie Mame?
Bruce Bawer
#49. There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.
Woody Allen
#50. Oh, I know I'm a great trial to you, Marilla," said Anne repentantly. "I make so many mistakes. But then just think of all the mistakes I don't make, although I might.
L.M. Montgomery
#51. Reading Claire Cooks novel is like eating some exotic dish about which you say, Wow, this is great! Whats in it? The ingredients here are: intelligence, humor, poignancy, revelation and, perhaps best of all, true originality. Ready to Fall seems to me to be ready to soar.
Elizabeth Berg
#52. That is why I love Starbucks. It doesn't matter how much money you have or what social world you're from, chances are you will still eventually end up at a Starbucks in order to revel in the taste sensation provided by the Frappuccino. It is the great equalizer of our time.
Kyra Davis
#53. Didn't you have any sadistic nannies who told you these tales to keep you quiet and well behaved at night? Heavens, what's to become of the Empire if governesses have lost their touch for scaring the wits out of their girls?
Libba Bray
#54. People have told me 'Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends ... '
.. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I'd need a Ouija board
Betty White
#55. Ingmar Bergman had a great sense of humor, and he had a very special, characteristic laugh that you always recognized - if he went to watch a theater show, 'Ah! He is here tonight.'
Max Von Sydow
#56. My dad was very much a John Wayne kind of guy, but he was also a great guy, great sense of humor, a real dedicated dad. I don't think he ever missed a hockey game I was in.
Denis Leary
#57. No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.
Harold Ramis
#58. Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!
Dylan Moran
#59. Both of my parents have great senses of humor.
Kristin Gore
#60. Yet while Owllwin was arrogant, he was also humble enough to admit when he had made a mistake. Perhaps it was his sheer clumsiness that kept him so humble: the first time he spoke to Cricket was in the great dining hall, and he brought down six tables five minutes after.
Ash Gray
#61. Writing Jeeves stories gives me a great deal of pleasure and keeps me out of the public houses.
P.G. Wodehouse
#62. Oh, I didn't think it wise to hide it. Might not be able to find it again," I say, cheerily. "It's sitting in plain view on your chair in the great hall. I do hope that was the best place for it.
Libba Bray
#63. Fuck your fucking mother!' Gesar howled, twisting the wheel round. In a moment of genuine terror only the Russian language could convey the true depths of his feelings. It made me feel proud of our great Russian culture!
Sergei Lukyanenko
#64. Nothing great is ever accomplished by following standards.
Geoffroy Birtz
#66. It is one of the great goals of my administration to invigorate the spirit of involvement and citizenship. We will encourage faith-based and community programs without changing their mission.
George W. Bush
#67. Mama is funny. She has a great sense of humor and loves a good joke. Loves a practical joke, too.
Reba McEntire
#68. Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
Jim Gaffigan
#69. Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.
Steve Martin
#70. You see, that's another thing that my parents gave me: an enormously great sense of humor.
Liza Minnelli
#71. My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
Rodney Dangerfield
#72. As for George Bush of Kennebunkport, Maine- personally I think he's further evidence that the Great Scriptwriter in the Sky has an overdeveloped sense of irony.
Molly Ivins
#73. As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.
Priscilla Presley
#74. High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know ...
David Cross
#75. I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.
Jim Butcher
#76. The choir always tittered and whispered all through service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was, now. It was a great many years ago, and I can scarcely remember anything about it, but I think it was in some foreign country.
Mark Twain
#77. Tall people are naturally confident. History has proven this - Alexander the Great, Wilt Chamberlain, Gisele.
Chuck Klosterman
#78. I have no great fondness for the universe, but I do live there
Eliezer Yudkowsky
#79. Clarke's First Law - Corollary: When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion - the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right.
Isaac Asimov
#81. A great deal of thought must be given to your daughter's marriage. Otherwise, she will simply slink off like a cat on a dark night to be fertilized under a bush to God knows whom!
J.G. Farrell
#82. Cuddling was for great aunts and teddy bears. Cuddling gave him cramp.
David Nicholls
#83. Beauty, grace, and charm my foot. It's a school for sadists with good tea-serving skills.
Libba Bray
#84. Yeah," he says. "We've been friends since kindergarten. Funniest guy I know," Matt says with a chuckle. "He's a great guitar player, too. He's in a band with some guys from Omaha South. He keeps trying to get me to join."
"What do you play?" I ask.
"Baseball," Matt jokes.
Cat Patrick
#85. He's cutting off circulation to my balls! If you want great grandchildren, woman, do something! Joshua sputtered
R.L. Mathewson
#86. On a quick side note, I would argue that
much like Samuel L. Jackson
I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
Eugene Mirman
#87. Great idea," I said. "Call the police. Call the fucking police.
Ava Gardner
#88. I wake up every morning thinking about all the great things I am going to accomplish that day, and I go to bed every night thinking about all the even greater things I'm going to have to accomplish tomorrow to make up for the nothing I did today.
John A. Ashley
#89. So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.
Dr. Seuss
#90. All great men are dead, and I'm not feeling too well myself
Mark Twain
#91. The word that comes to mind is 'beefcake', Zane drawled, looking Ty over, appreciating the view
"Mission accomplished then!" Ty said happily as he turned around to face Zane again. He frowned suddenly. "Is beefcake one word or two?"
Zane laughed. "Who cares when you've got a great ass?
Abigail Roux
#92. Great," Percy said. "Seven of us against Hercules."
"And a satyr!" Hedge added. "We can take him.
Rick Riordan
#93. Guitar makes even have a word for these baby-boomers-who-alwyas-wanted-to-be-great-guitarists-and-now-have-the-money-to-indulge-those-dreams: dentists
Tim Brookes
#94. I learned early in my career to not let myself get in the way of humor but, instead, find what is great in a talented person.
Tamra Davis
#95. Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.
Lois Greiman
#96. God's signs are not always the ones we look for. We learn in tragedy that his purposes are not always our own. Yet the prayers of private suffering, whether in our homes or in this great cathedral, are known and heard, and understood.
George W. Bush
#97. I, the great and powerful D.S. will create a harem for all the women in the world!!!! For a woman, no greater joy exists in the entire universe than to fuck me, the ultimate sex symbol!!!
Kazushi Hagiwara
#98. She shrugged. "I'm surprised your mother didn't inform you of my presence. Or Belle. She has spoken about you a great deal."
His eyes narrowed as his heart sank. "You've become friendly with Belle?" He saw all his hopes for a flirtation with this girl going up in smoke.
Julia Quinn
#99. I admired Stephen Daldry very much; I think he's a brilliant director, and also, I feel close to him because he has a lot of theater behind him. He's also a man of great imagination and a lovely sense of humor.
Max Von Sydow
#100. My parents and I always put great emphasis on telling stories that appeal to a child's sense of humor.
Mike Berenstain
