Funny Turn On Quotes

#1. It's a funny semantic turn - when someone paints a landscape, no one says they "borrowed" it, only that they painted it.

Joe Bradley

#2. They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

Criss Jami

#3. Faith is a funny thing. It's easy to believe while life is rolling merrily along. But in times of trial, it's tempting to turn away from God. Yet that's when we need him the most.

Irene Hannon

#4. Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on "the girls," and all I could think was I'm going to turn into a pillar of salt.

Lara Deloza

#5. When I turn back to Jase, he's again beaming at me. "You're nice." He sounds pleased, as if he hadn't expected this aspect of my personality.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

#6. If you find yourself suddenly mated to a werewolf, whatever you do, don't panic. Simply turn to Jen for assistance and she will give you a cool acronym to call him ... because that's just so important. -Sally

Quinn Loftis

#7. Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way.

Markus Zusak

#8. I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

Mitch Hedberg

#9. I only have three scenes and each is a turn and she gets progressively drunker. It's all terribly funny and its main challenge is that it's so far away from what I usually do.

Louise Jameson

#10. In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you."
"Fight or flight."
"Yes."
"Only half of that is flight.

Adam Rex

#11. The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you've got all these pictures to turn into metaphors.

Dar Williams

#12. I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down.

Ella Henderson

#13. Mostly good is enough. Mostly good produces healthy kids who know they are valued and either forget the other parts or turn them into funny stories.

Jen Hatmaker

#14. Sithspit! What's that?'
'That's the sun, Wedge. It's after dawn.'
'Well, it offends me. Turn it off.'
'It's a hundred thirty, hundred forty million klicks from here.'
'Go up in your X-wing and shoot it down for me.

Aaron Allston

#15. I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

Jenny Eclair

#16. "Hail to the Chief" was played, and the President got up and made a gracious opening remark. "I've been in this office for six years, and yet every time I hear that music, I turn around wondering who they're playing it for."

Kirk Douglas

#17. Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.

Ralph Wycherley

#18. And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

Dylan Moran

#19. If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you.

Jim Butcher

#20. I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

Jim Gaffigan

#21. He's got the kind of body that could turn a nun into a whore.

Brooke Moss

#22. He'd have to turn on his high-voltage charm with these people. Should work. They were only used to 12V battery power after all-he'd dazzle them.

Josephine Myles

#23. Anna seems warmer every time I meet her, thinks Lou. Funny, that. Some people, who seem friendly on first impression, turn out to be disappointingly superficial, whereas the aloof ones, like Anna, emerge as affectionate and loyal.

Sarah Rayner

#24. Some comedians you work with, they only turn on when the camera turn on, and they're like sad-faced clowns when the camera's off. And then, they come alive when the camera come on. And you be like, "Oh, damn. You're not a depressed ball of depression, but you are actually funny."

Ice Cube

#25. I do half the cooking, and by 'half' I mean three quarters," Dad pointed out. "And if you're going to turn up your nose at all my carnivorous delights, ingrate child, you can sit under the table and gnaw sadly on a raw Brussels sprout at mealtimes.

Sarah Rees Brennan

#26. Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.

Charles Dickens

#27. Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.
She sounded as though she was having sex.
Good sex.

Cherry Adair

#28. Count yourself fortunate." He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. "Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish limbs and so forth.

Lynn Viehl

#29. Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet ... Ew, did you ... ?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

Molly Harper

#30. I got a funny feeling like something was real wrong ...
Looked at her shoes and her feets was real long!
Then it hit me, Oh please God no,
Don't let this ho turn out to be a John Doe ...
He pulled a fast one on me, yo!

Fatlip

#31. I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Steven Wright

#32. There are two things you never turn down: sex and appearing on television.

Gore Vidal

#33. This funny little film we did called 'Sharknado' has caused so much buzz, I would have never imagined. It's literally caused more buzz than anything else I've ever done. I had no idea that it was going to turn into this phenomenon.

Cassie Scerbo

#34. People are funny, and in the most tragic situations, when comedy erupts from nowhere, it can turn on its head within the space of a second or a minute. You're laughing one minute and you're crying the next and that's just life for me, and that is what people are like.

Sally Hawkins

#35. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..

Mitch Hedberg

#36. If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

Mitch Hedberg

#37. You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny.

Steve Irwin

#38. The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.

Nia Vardalos

#39. Don't you even watch gay porn?"

It was Ryan's turn to blush. "Not really. Sometimes. Not very often, though."

"Why not?"

He shrugged awkwardly. "It doesn't really turn me on."

"You need to watch better porn," Henry muttered.

Anna Martin

#40. There is funny ha-ha, and there is funny peculiar, and beneath a trapdoor in Kevin's mind is a place where the two blur together, the place of jokes, churning so furiously frequently, when it kicks up a line, he has no idea what it will turn out to be.

Kevin Brockmeier

#41. Goodness is funny because it draws you to it while curiously possessing you with the untrammelled desire to turn it into something bad.

Sophie Villalobos

#42. CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a week before my period ... literally.

Ronda Thompson

#43. Many comedians have a dark side that lets them take a negative thing and turn it funny.

Rachel Dratch

#44. I got to work with Rachel Dratch, and she just had such a funny, roll-with-it attitude when she would approach the stage and could turn anything into a gem.

Stephnie Weir

#45. Funny how when your life is mostly bullshit, you turn off feeling.
Sometimes it's hard to turn it back on again.

Ellen Hopkins

#46. What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?

Kevin Hart

#47. In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.

Claudia Gray

#48. That was a mean thought, and not funny at all. I let it turn to sand and blow out of my head.

Christopher Buehlman

#49. Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky - then toss your phone into the bushes.

Waylon H. Lewis

#50. Only Uncle Pascha ignored her. He was contemplating his chessboard. She doubted that he'd move his piece today. It had been his turn for only six months. Once, he had gone three years between moves. He preferred a leisurely game.

Sarah Beth Durst

#51. I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'

Marc Maron

#52. I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.

Calvin Trillin

#53. The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

William Rehnquist

#54. It is my turn to wait. Funny that in all these months we have been meeting, it was always she waiting for me.

Melissa De La Cruz

#55. I did turn down 'The Virgin Suicides.' I talked to the producers about it, and I just honestly told them that I didn't get it. Is it supposed to be funny, is it a thriller, what is it?

Terry Zwigoff

#56. Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

Katt Williams

#57. What are the chances that you'd be there? It's funny sometimes the way the world works. Makes you think there's got to be a reason things turn out the way they do." -Louis

Michelle Schlicher

#58. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

George Carlin

#59. But there was nothing funny about his sword. Jason figured one hit from that thing would probably turn him into a Popsicle. Then

Rick Riordan

#60. The fact that she made this beeline for me both warmed my soul and made me want to turn around, walk out the door, and find a cliff to fling myself off of.

Lia Habel

#61. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Spike Milligan

#62. If John somehow turns into a different man and we do not witness that transformation, the editor considering your novel will somehow turn into an editor considering a different novel.

Howard Mittelmark

#63. My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

Mitch Hedberg

#64. I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.

Orson Scott Card

#65. I've had countless reviews sort that have made me cry. It's funny, it doesn't ever get better either; you can't turn your ears off.

Eleanor Catton

#66. It's hard for a man to turn down sex ... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

Chris Rock

#67. At the danger of waxing nostalgic about the 'old days,' I don't want to be like everyone else. I want acceptance, but I want acceptance of my difference, not my sameness. It's a funny contract. The cultural machine wants to chew everyone up and turn them into this uniform little substance.

Alison Bechdel

#68. I myself grew up when radio was very important. I'd come home from school and turn on the radio. There were funny comedians and wonderful music, and there were plays. I used to pass time with radio.

Kurt Vonnegut

#69. By the way, don't think I forgot you tried to lie to me again."
"So, how long is it gonna take for you to turn into a wolf, so I can run the hell away from you?

Sarah Brianne

#70. I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Stephen King

#71. I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees ...

Mike Birbiglia

#72. I actually find novels that are determined to be funny at every turn quite oppressive.

Ian McEwan

#73. There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.

Douglas Coupland

#74. We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won't pull over. He slams the horn.
"Arthur," I say.
The car doesn't yield.
"Arthur," I say.
He hits the horn again, still close on the car's bummper.
"Arthur, our turn was back there.

Peter Canning

#75. Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

Pittacus Lore

#76. It's funny how love can fit inside a brown cardboard box. With relationships, people often think that things pile up. But when it ends, they're surprised how few these things turn out to be. Or at least, how few things they are willing to let go of.

Juan Miguel Sevilla

#77. I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside

Jessica Verday

#78. Oh my son! My son!" von Helrung cried. Now it was his turn to crush my master to his chest. "William! Your father has come for you!"
"I hope not! My father has been dead over fifteen years, von Helrun.

Rick Yancey

#79. It was harder to ignore the smell, meat just starting to turn. And gas. The dead were quiet, very quiet in a bad way, but the sounds of escaping gas were all over. [He] was surrounded by belching and farting corpses who wanted to eat him. It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking horrible.

Mason James Cole

#80. It was funny, she was thinking, how something that had seemed sentimental and important, and even more - almost sacred - could turn into nothing at all

Rona Jaffe

#81. We had 1 book, the phone book, I've read it, it wasn't a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.

Stephen K. Amos

#82. Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.'
Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.'
Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.'
Stark~ 'Deal.'
Zoey~ 'Deal.

P.C. Cast

#83. You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Jim Gaffigan

#84. I don't think that [Hillary Clinton] can turn around her honesty and trustworthiness problems with one speech, but she could present herself tonight as more relatable, give people a glimpse of that warm, funny woman the people who meet her in small groups and one-on-one say that she is.

Tamara Keith