Cop Humor Quotes

#1. Well, Ms. Fontaine, you look damn good for a dead woman."
Her response was to narrow her eyes, arch a brow. "If that's some sort of cop humor, I'm afraid you'll have to translate.

Nora Roberts

#2. G.I. humor is similar to cop humor.

Nelson DeMille

#3. . 'Because off-duty cops walk around the city wearing sweatshirts advertising they're cops all the time, never mind it's a hundred degrees outside. And never mind you look like the youngest cop ever recruited in the history of policing.'
He tsks at me. 'Have you never seen 21 Jump Street?

Sarah Alderson

#4. You're a cop. I need a doughnut.

Jim Butcher

#5. You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."
Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."
Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."
It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.

J.R. Ward

#6. I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No ... not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.

J.R. Ward

#7. A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Dennis Miller

#8. Well, hell, Eve. If you need to run off to you dressmaker, or take your cat to therapy, Peabody and I can handle this minor matter of murder."
Eve lips stretched in a vicious smile. "Bite me, Casto.

J.D. Robb

#9. So I'm back again to the eternal question, the one that has plagued me all my life: How Do Other People Do It? How come they were given life's rule book and I missed out? Where was I when God was dispensing capability and cop on? Looking at shoes, probably.

Marian Keyes

#10. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Henny Youngman

#11. It all jibed, and the books would close on Jasper as death by misadventure. Unofficially, Eve labeled it death by stupidity, but there wasn't a place on the sheet for that particular observation. - Lt. Eve Dallas on a drunk fall off the roof

J.D. Robb

#12. She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over
unless you're coming directly from from a crime scene.

Chelsea Handler

#13. You know that feeling you get when you pass by a cop doing like 20 over, when your stomach hits the floor and you get weak in the knees and it seams like time just stops for a min? Thats how i feel every time i see her. I love it.

Andrew Vyvyan

#14. An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper.
One of the firefighters look at the other. Not again.

Tim Dorsey

#15. I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'
If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

Terry Pratchett

#16. Don't Tase Me Bro!
If I'm a cop, and I'm a brotha, and they let me have a taser? Sorry bro, I'm tasing you.

Larry Wilmore

#17. A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Henny Youngman

#18. I will give you more pain than you can imagine. Your brains will leak out of your ears, and your bowels out of your ass. I will cause that to happen without leaving a mark, and every cop here will swear you died of natural causes.

J.D. Robb

#19. New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed.

Bill Maher

#20. As soon as he was gone I blew my breath out and leaned back against the wall. Awkward. First the cop who'd arrested me, then the paramedic who'd kept me from accidentally killing myself. I didn't even want to think what a third thing might be.

Diana Rowland

#21. Just shut your mouth, you ignorant twat."
"Aw, Dallas, he called me a twat. How come you get to be a bitch, but I only get to be a twat."
"It's the rank," Eve told her. "You'll make bitch one day."
"Thanks. That means a lot to me.

J.D. Robb

#22. V shook his head. "Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How'd you like that anywhere near a female you loved?"
Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage's body.
"We're going to need a shitload of steel," the human muttered.

J.R. Ward

#23. If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Judy Gold

#24. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Steven Wright

#25. Eve "I shopped,"she said
Roarke "Dear God! Are you all right? Should I call for the MTs?"
Eve "Smartass.

J.D. Robb

#26. The best car safety device is a rear view mirror with a cop in it.

Dudley Moore

#27. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Steven Wright

#28. Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer.

Kevin Hearne

#29. God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. "Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They're evil. I highly recommend them."
"Heh. The cop is recommending evil," I said. "Too funny."
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. "You've discovered my dark side.

Diana Rowland

#30. I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.

Eoin Colfer

#31. Three weeks hadn't changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.
She was thrilled to be back.

J.D. Robb

#32. The perfectly measured burr of a dispassionate detective had suddenly changed into the explosive boom of a take-no-shit street cop.
Suffice it to say, I froze.

Cleo Coyle