Top 73 College Humor Quotes
#1. Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women.
Zooey Deschanel
#2. it's okay if college isn't your thing. I'm sure there's a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig's List. Just sayin'.
Candace Vianna
#3. "There's really no way I can explain it to her without *still* sounding like scum," I complained to Sinter.
"The 'sympathy shack-up' doesn't score many points," he agreed.
*
Molly Ringle
#4. College is a different scene than it was ten years ago. It used to be all about sex and drugs. Now it's all about texting and fast food.
Aaron B. Powell
#5. This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did."
I frowned, "What's that?"
"Homework.
Richelle Mead
#6. When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
Adam Carolla
#7. Most of the people in my family were pretty funny. Everyone had a good sense of humor. I came to California right after college, wanting to be a musician.
Andy Kindler
#8. College is so awesome! It's really too bad they try to ruin it with classes!
Jillian Dodd
#9. You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excellent place for them.
L. Frank Baum
#10. I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.
Heather Chapple
#11. I broke up with her to avoid getting into a serious relationship with her, and now it
Elle Kennedy
#12. I often have said that to be a college president, you need a thick skin, a good sense of humor, and nerves like sewer pipes.
Gordon Gee
#13. Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.
John Belushi
#14. Sure, he had a wife and fifty-four kids, but he looked like a college freshman. A yummy college freshman majoring in Oh-my-god-I-gotta-get-me-some-of-that.
Kim Harrison
#15. I feel like there is a lot of inherent humor in the stress and insanity surrounding that process. People lose their minds, trying to prove their parental worth by getting their children into one of five colleges; when there are thousands of good colleges across the United States - and elsewhere.
Tina Fey
#16. A college of wit-crackers cannot flout me out of my humor. Dost thou think I care for a satire or an epigram?
William Shakespeare
#17. I kind of killed it in college. You know that saying "big fish in a small pond"? At Dartmouth college, I was freakin' Jaws in a community swimming pool
Mindy Kaling
#18. College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you're qualified.
Korey Miracle
#19. My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.
Bowden Wyatt
#20. Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around
Lisa McMann
#21. Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat ... college,
Woody Allen
#22. Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
Chris Rock
#23. College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.
Jeffrey Eugenides
#25. There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.
Paul Graham
#26. Think I have made a terrible mistake going to college.
Have decided to become a shepherd and spend my days tending to flocks of goats
Scott Frost
#27. Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
Bob Monkhouse
#28. When I was around 19 years old, working in the college library, I was talking to a friend of mine and this older woman interrupted and said "You're too young to know about Billie Holiday." My response was "I'm too young to know about Shakespeare, too ... should I not read him?
Wanda Lea Brayton
#29. I'm a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform on their reunion tour!
Jillianne Hamilton
#30. What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country."
Willie "Drafted
Rich Allan
#31. College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?
David Wood
#32. A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.
David Sedaris
#33. I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university.
George W. Bush
#34. His eyes are a hazy swirl of
gray, like a thick mass of clouds gathering before an impending storm
Elle Kennedy
#35. I would not trade any of these features for anybody else's. I wouldn't trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn't even trade the acne scar on my right cheek, because that recurring zit spent more time with me in college than any boy ever did.
Tina Fey
#36. someone like Grace. Someone exactly like Grace, with her Ted Bundy rants
and her calming presence and - hello, irony.
Elle Kennedy
#37. Watch it, loincloth, I'm not afraid to spork your eyes out.
Magan Vernon
#38. She glared at me. I didn't care. One word was playing a loop in my heaad: mine.
Kristen Callihan
#39. I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.'
Mitch Hedberg
#40. There was another group of students already filing down the hall. College students. We looked like babies beside them. The college girls tossed their hair and giggled. hee hee hee, two years closer to minivans and soccer practices and Botox than the girls from my bus. I wished I hadn't come.
Maggie Stiefvater
#41. He reminded me of Gerald Roma from grade school, who used to burn ants with a magnifying glass. He was never quite right. It was weird that he spontaneously combusted during finals week our freshman year in college. Payback was a bitch.
Darynda Jones
#42. Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.
Bauvard
#43. When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?
Bill Cosby
#44. Don't be disgusting.
Don't dare me. I majored in disgusting at Gulag Community College. Lucrezia Borgia taught cooking, and Madame Defarge taught knitting. Emperor Nero taught violin and also led the cheerleading squad. I skipped all my classes and failed with distinction.
Gregory Maguire
#45. Two closets wait to be filled with shoes or condoms or failed exams or whatever else college kids fill empty spaces with. Broken dreams, maybe.
Sara Wolf
#47. What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
Jim Norton
#48. I felt like that character in Flowers for Algernon. Not Charlie, the lady teacher from the college who realizes, 'I've got to stop dry-humping this mentally challenged guy!
Tina Fey
#49. What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!
Margaret Atwood
#50. By the time a student gets to college, he's spent a decade curating a bewilderingly diverse resume to prepare for a completely unknowable future. Come what may, he's ready--for nothing in particular.
Peter Thiel
#51. And by the way, I know my title said "10 Reasons" and I only listed "6". I didn't learn to count in college.
James Altucher
#52. He had good children and he raised them fine. All doing well -maybe except Joe ... they're talking about sending him to college, but all the rest are fine.
John Steinbeck
#53. College stirred in her a certain contempt for virtues like kindness and persistence. She would have appeared to have been a kind and persistent person herself, but a steady diet of Antonioni films and an introductory course on existentialism had awakened her to the fact that she wanted more.
Garth Risk Hallberg
#54. I could have blamed it on the intoxication of youth.
Others might find fault on just intoxication.
My parents would say that it was an act of plain stupidity.
Reality would point out that it was Thursday night at college and the youth are prone to err.
Mara Joaquin
#55. This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?"
"It's a walking stick, I'll have you know."
"Same difference."
"Hardly. It's fashion.
Danika Stone
#56. Caitlyn (telling a story of her friend): So. [She] grew up and left Neverland for the distant planet called College ...
And made a bunch of new friends. So. There was the one guy who was there since the beginning basically ...
Zechariah: Since the beginning?
Zechariah Barrett
#57. College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.
Natasha Leggero
#58. Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama ... or something.
Daniel Palladino
#59. The Blue Hose of Presbyterian College and the Ichabods of Washburn University are perhaps the most amusing nicknames in collegiate sports; Blue Hose refers to stockings, not to melancholy courtesans.
Gregg Easterbrook
#60. When he flashed that rockin' smile of his again, I couldn't help but think that me being cute was what might be crossing his mind. Then again, maybe he thought I was a dumbass. Either way, he smiled, which was good enough for me. - Ariel
Victoria H. Smith
#61. Everybody in my family had a real sick, twisted sense of humor. Most of the jokes we make in our house, we would just never even dream of making anywhere else. Just sick, horrible stuff. That wasn't anything new to college.
Seth MacFarlane
#62. When you're reaching the end of the semester and you just wanna die. Coffin Making 101 is literally killing me.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#63. However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
Meg Cabot
#64. Great. Lookout. I'm a lookout. Another thing to put on my college applications. What do I do if I see someone?"
Val looked back. "I'm not sure, actually.
Holly Black
#65. And often Lisa thought bitterly of the ideas she had held on "college life" before coming to Denton, ideas and images culled from a hundred magazine stories and as many movies. Where were the convertibles, the secret bottles of liquor, the gay young men and their wild girl friends?
Grace Metalious
#66. That would make a fantastic college entrance essay. 'I Killed My Boyfriend and Still Managed to Maintain a 4.2 GPA and the Lead in the Spring Musical.
Robin Benway
#67. And all those things you listed right now, they're
things Garrett and I do together. Dude, you don't want me. You want me and
Garrett.
Elle Kennedy
#68. Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
John Green
#69. I couldn't help but notice how hot he looked tonight with his strong build lining his t-shirt. He should never cover his beauty with clothes and such things. - Ariel
Victoria H. Smith
#70. Lucy: I don't feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.
James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.
Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.
James: You say that like I should be concerned about leg-hair volume.
Kristen Tracy
#71. He's a cocky SOB. He knew the Nick Adams Stories. Probably a frustrated English major who graduated from college qualified to drive a cab.
Peter Heller
#72. Sean: 'People stop giving a shit about what you do with your life after college,'
Leon: 'I'm pretty sure nobody gave a shit about it while you were in college.
Patrick Anderson Jr.
#73. Boy needs to get a good night's sleep. Otherwise, he'll be lucky to get accepted at SUNY-So Far Upstate You Might As Well Be In Canada, eh?
Rachel Cohn
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