Top 100 Cats Humor Quotes
#1. I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.
James Thurber
#2. Kids are like pissing cats or burrowing moles, marking off land within land, each section with its own rules, beliefs, laws of engagement.
Zadie Smith
#3. 'Tell Suzie she's a lucky cat.' Have sexier words ever been spoken?
Ally Carter
#4. I said that I had heard curiosity could be harmful, in particular to cats
Michael Chabon
#5. Cats don't need to be possessed; they're evil on their own.
Peter Kreeft
#6. She smiled again. "Do you like cat?" she said.
"Yes," said Richard. "I quite like cats."
Anaesthesia looked relieved. "Thigh?" she asked, "or breast?
Neil Gaiman
#7. Well. I am not afraid. But to protect you, Katerina, I will be discreet. Plain Kate considered a cat's idea of discretion, and was frightened.
Erin Bow
#8. There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.
Lauren Morrill
#10. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
#11. Cats. You can't live with them, and the fur's too thin for a rug.
Mercedes Lackey
#12. Cats have no sense of humor, they have terribly inflated egos, and they are very touchy.
Robert A. Heinlein
#13. It might be that the biggest division in the world isn't men and women but folks who like cats and folks who like dogs - (L.T.'s Theory of Pets)
Stephen King
#15. Snowball?"
It's white."
Meow."
It's so girly."
This from a guy who named his poodle Princess."
his laughter died. "How do you know about Princess?"
Your sister told me.
Rachel Gibson
#16. One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans.
Kelli Jae Baeli
#17. Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.
Terry Pratchett
#18. Are you here for a reason, Cheshire?
Why, yes, I would enjoy a cup of tea. I take mine with lots of cream, and no tea. Thank you.
Marissa Meyer
#20. A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
Milton Jones
#21. I was done with men. Totally and completely. I was looking forward to a life as a cat lady. I was going to get a dozen cats and a fucking great vibrator, maybe one of those rabbits I heard about, and that was it.
Kristen Ashley
#22. My husband says this longing for isolation is not a good quality, that if I wanted to be a hermit I should have moved to the West Coast and adopted a lot of cats, not gotten married and had children that demand to be fed several times a day.
Anna White
#23. The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I'm absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don't go, there'll be one more broken person in this world who gave up a dream to sit in a chair, pick up the TV remote and shrink.
Lexis De Rothschild
#24. I've been told that my belly is soft as a fluffy cloud. No one can resist my magical belly. Not even grumpy humans.
Yasmine Surovec
#25. Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Garrison Keillor
#26. After the group vet appointment
during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room
we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat.
Sarah Dessen
#27. [The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I'm carrying piping hot coffee.
Wes Locher
#28. How delightful! Dunford had just come into an unexpected inheritance. She rather hoped it was something good. One of her friends had just unwillingly inherited thirty-seven cats.
Julia Quinn
#29. Cats, I decided, had certain advantages over men. There were loyal without being sycophantic, independent without being absent, and affectionate without being rapacious. That they choke up balls of fur and leave dead rodents at my feet is unfortunate. But it is not grounds for divorce.
Betsy Tobin
#31. The human race can be roughly divided into two categories: ailurophiles and ailurophobes - cat lovers and the underprivileged.
David Taylor
#32. But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp!
H.G.Wells
#33. Can you imagine those poor bastards grappling their prey, leaping over the rails, swords in hand, screaming 'Your cats! Give us all your god-damned cats!
Scott Lynch
#34. If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.
Lemony Snicket
#35. Girls do go for the finely-chiselled. And apart from his looks, he's and artist, and there's something about artists that seems to act on the other sex like catnip on cats.
P.G. Wodehouse
#36. When you're fighting a crowd, it's good to shout potentially threatening things like "Crossbows!" or "Fire!" or "Giant Flying Cat!" every once in a while.
Sebastien De Castell
#37. That's because they're people, only smarter. They know us better than we know them, and a lot of them have a sense of humor. They're exactly like us minus our useless mental power and thumbs.
Bob Tarte
#39. As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.
Scott Adams
#40. They've got, she spat the word, 'style. Beauty. Grace. That's what matters. If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are.
Terry Pratchett
#41. They say there are
Twenty-four hours in a day
But I'm only up for three of them
And two I consider overtime
Francesco Marciuliano
#42. He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.
Katherine Rundell
#44. I didn't know that cats could grin.'
'They all can,' said the Duchess, 'and most of 'em do.
Lewis Carroll
#45. Don't stop at the Ford's because they're at Gerald Flatt's," a short kid says in passing.
"Super dooper!" Granny's dentures clickity-clack. "Don't stomp on the Lord just because it's raining cats." She nods and adjusts her hearing aid. "Those are words to live by, little man!
Jenny B. Jones
#46. There is no known cure for severe affection for one's cat. The only way to relieve the symptoms is to go ahead and launch a kiss attack.
Tichakorn Khroopan Hill
#47. Toilet paper unrolled and slithered
then wrapped around my tummy.
That paper tried to roll me up
into an Egyptian mummy.
Melinda K. Trotter
#48. I situate myself, and seat myself,
And where you recline I shall recline,
For every armchair belonging to you as good as belongs to me.
I loaf and curl up my tail
I yawn and loaf at my ease after rolling in the catnip patch.
(From Meow of Myself, from LEAVES OF CATNIP)
Henry N. Beard
#49. There are a great many aspects to feline life, but the three most important - the Holy Trinity, if you will - are eating, sleeping and washing.
Jem Vanston
#50. It's like they've forgotten everything important, isn't it? I mean, forgotten things like cats and dancing exist.
Katherine Rundell
#51. My name is Skippito Friskito. (clap-clap)
I fear not a single bandito. (clap-clap)
My manners are mellow,
I'm sweet like the Jell-o,
I get the job done, yes indeed-o. (clap-clap)
Judy Schachner
#52. Loud ringing noises, I've discovered, upset Mr.Peepers.
Meg Cabot
#53. So Nikki came aboard as Jaqueline's spare cat, presumably in case our prime cat, Eliza, goes on vacation, takes industrial action, or requests a personal day.
Christopher S. Wren
#54. I wrote a book on cats. In retrospect, I should have used paper, cause chapter six got hit by a car.
Wynne McLaughlin
#55. The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem. This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.
Joyce Carol Oates
#57. Quote taken from Chapter 1:
I know what." Isabel reached under the end table, took out the game board, and rattled the Band-Aid box containing the letter tiles. "It's been a week-and-a-half since our last Scrabble game.
Ed Lynskey
#58. Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony - the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my emotional repertoire; it was the furthest thing from my mind.
Jacqueline Simon Gunn
#59. The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.
Robert A. Heinlein
#60. He might be living on mice, but Chesterton does not look like an animal who is governed by his appetites. He's an ascetic, if Cathbad ever saw one.
Elly Griffiths
#61. Did he eat the other cats at the pet shop? He's huge!
Yori
#62. Mealtime
"A mousie squealing in a trap
Woke me from my morning nap.
Wasn't he so very sweet
To tell me it was time to eat?"
(From A CAT'S GARDEN OF VERSES)
Henry N. Beard
#63. Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses.
Terry Brooks
#64. The main reason they don't use seeing eye cats is because you will end up with the cat, and the blind person, stuck up a tree
Haresh Daswani
#65. Puss hopped down from the couch and rummaged in Mark's closet until he found a black leather belt. This he looped along his shoulder, around his waist, and then clasped together. I'm off to make war, so that you may have love.
Zechariah Barrett
#66. Cat love is genuine, because it's 10 percent devotion and 90 percent frustration and betrayal. - 67 REASONS WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Jack Shepard
#67. My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire.
Anne Belov
#69. Gaby wasn't having much luck with cats lately. The stray from yesterday had left her with red welts and a bad dream, and Lemon had just tried to eat her hair.
Angela Cervantes
#70. From CATS ARE KIND
I saw a dog pursuing automobiles;
On and on he sped.
I was puzzled by this;
I accosted the dog.
'If you catch one,' I said
'What will you do with it?'
'Dumb cat,' he cried,
And ran on.
Henry N. Beard
#71. Then stop being a know-it-all lionpaw retorted You're not my mentor so stay out of my fur.
Lionpaw at Berrynose in Outcast pg 67
Erin Hunter
#72. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
#73. And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.
Robert J. Morrissette
#74. As Sean seem determined to shadow her every move, she concluded that young boys were much like cats. They insisted on giving their company to those who most feared or distrusted them.
J.D. Robb
#76. I walked through the house to the back porch and found the screen door covered top to bottom, side to side, with cats meowing for food ... They were so thick on the door I could barely see the light between them.
Earl B. Russell
#78. There was a sort of gallery structure in the roof space which held a bed and also a bathroom which you could actually swing a cat in. But only if it was a reasonably patient cat and didn't mind a few nasty cracks about the head.
Douglas Adams
#79. God's only mistakes are dogs and not giving cats opposable thumbs. Otherwise, it's a perfect world.
Quasi
#80. I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.
M.J. McGuire
#81. A cat loped across my gaze with a squint-eyed, piratical look, and a suave grin.
William Styron
#82. From CATS ARE KIND
A man said to the universe,
'Sir, I exist!'
'Excellent,' replied the universe,
'I've been looking for someone to take care of my cats.
Henry N. Beard
#83. Wait a minute. Wait just a hairball kakking minute.
Jody Wallace
#84. The world would probably be better if people were put in carriers and cats roamed free.
Mary Matthews
#86. You cats mind if I make it a trio?' he asked me, and it was not a huge surprise that a dude of his appearance was speaking in Jazz Voice.
Jesse Andrews
#87. The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.
Thelonious Monk
#88. Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
#91. Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him.
Jim Butcher
#92. If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
Terry Pratchett
#93. Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient
Michelle T. Bernard
#94. The word of a cat is not to be relied upon.
Robin Hobb
#95. No one had ever accused Koko of being naughty. Perverse, perhaps, or arrogant, or despotic. But naughtiness was beneath his dignity.
Lilian Jackson Braun
#96. There's something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you're playing team sports, people think you're okay.
Polly Horvath
#97. Majid gave me a brief dazzling golden stare and then half-lidded his eyes again. I know when my life is being threatened.
Robin McKinley
#98. There's and entire world outside these bleak pages, one full of SUNRISES and KITTY-CATS and late-night BURRITO RUNS and the horrible, creaking amble of us all towards DEATH. It is to that world that I am afraid I must release you to now.
David Malki
#100. I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.
M.J. McGuire
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
