Top 100 Cat Humor Quotes
#1. My sister wanted a cat for a pet ... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
Chic Murray
#4. Well, we have a saying where we come from," said Louise. "Curiosity killed the cat." "And satisfaction brought him back," Been added.
W. D. Newman
#5. But she was already in. Gareth couldn't help but stand back in admiration. Hyacinth Bridgerton was clearly a natural born athlete.
Either that or a cat burglar.
Julia Quinn
#6. She set the tray down on the table in the sitting area
which instantly perked up Galahad's ears.
Roarke simply pointed a warning finger that had the cat shooting up a leg to wash as if a morning ablution had been his only intention.
J.D. Robb
#7. She looked away from him, drawing hard on her Rothman's; when her mouth puckered into hard little lines around the cigarette, it looked like a cat's anus.
Robert Galbraith
#8. Meow says the cat ,quack says the duck , Bow wow wow says the dog !
Grrrr!
Charles Dickens
#9. Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I've been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I've said is ... an understatement.
Jeaniene Frost
#10. The search for truth can be compared to a cat chasing her tail: frantic in her pursuit, her quarry nevetheless eludes her; despite the fact that all the world can see it's right there, it remains just beyond her reach. It cannot be possessed because, paradoxically, it is already part of her.
Gina Barreca
#11. Nothing says you care like sending someone a kitten.
Brian South
#12. The word of a cat is not to be relied upon.
Robin Hobb
#13. We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn't the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn't of been proper.
Terry Pratchett
#14. He f**ks even better than he looks", I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn't care; I was pissed. "And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don't you worry.
Jeaniene Frost
#16. The cat gives him a judgemental stare ,as if it's sitting on the decision-making side if the desk at a job interview.
Fredrik Backman
#17. I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.
M.J. McGuire
#18. You were torturing a cat," she says. "With a freaking prod."
"A prod I built myself in metal shop," he says. "But of course you never mention that.
George Saunders
#19. Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde
#20. [Cat] found a complete set of the works of Edgar Allan Poe, with little tabs of paper sticking out. The were scrawled over with the witch's comments to herself, "Fun!" "Try this, but with exploding feathers!" and "Gotta love him
deeply sick.
Gregory Maguire
#21. The main reason they don't use seeing eye cats is because you will end up with the cat, and the blind person, stuck up a tree
Haresh Daswani
#22. You're going to end up like one of those crazy cat ladies with your apartment smelling of piss and regret.
Kylie Scott
#23. Now that that's settled, you're coming with me."
"Never in a billion suns. Not even if Zeus showed up as a swan and tried to peck me in your direction. I wouldn't go with you even if my other option was Hades dragging me to the Underworld for an eternal threesome with Persephone.
Amanda Bouchet
#24. So Nikki came aboard as Jaqueline's spare cat, presumably in case our prime cat, Eliza, goes on vacation, takes industrial action, or requests a personal day.
Christopher S. Wren
#25. You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!
Jeaniene Frost
#27. Because right now, leaning against Kenny's counter, he was fully, painfully erect, for maybe the first time in months.
He backed away and tried to think about something else - anything else. Losing his job, his mother's cat, Denise - oh, there you go. Limp as a politician's moral code.
Amy Lane
#28. Wait a minute. Wait just a hairball kakking minute.
Jody Wallace
#29. Who knows what goes on in the mind of a cat?
Julie Kagawa
#30. Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler, but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire Cat.
Julian Huxley
#31. A cat is there if you call her- if she doesn't have anything better to do.
Bill Adler
#32. The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn't such a damned bowl of eye candy.
- Cat re: Bones
Jeaniene Frost
#33. No the cat we had to leave. It was not Protestant. But the dog, seeing no future for the Reformed Religion in France, was happy enough to go.
Judith Merkle Riley
#35. Nozy Cat lifted one sleepy eyelid, and his marble blue eye glared at her for interrupting his sacred nap. He wore a yellow collar with little red stars printed on it. His second eyelid also opened, and he gave them his irritated blue-eyed glare.
Lyn Key
#36. The world would probably be better if people were put in carriers and cats roamed free.
Mary Matthews
#37. For all the accomplishments of molecular biology, we still can't tell a live cat from a dead cat.
Lynn Margulis
#38. Riley : "Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on."
Mercy: "Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies.
Nalini Singh
#39. Next to her, I felt like Carrot Top in drag.
Cat re: Annette
Jeaniene Frost
#42. I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side.
Mark Twain
#43. No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's ... "
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.
Kurt Vonnegut
#44. The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.
Thelonious Monk
#45. As my mom used to say,If wishes were horses, we'd be up to our eyeballs in shit.
Cat Adams
#46. Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
#49. A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.
Brian Andreas
#51. The symbologist made a cryptic sign. That remains to be seen, as the cat said who voided into the sugar bowl.
Jack Vance
#52. Cat love is genuine, because it's 10 percent devotion and 90 percent frustration and betrayal. - 67 REASONS WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Jack Shepard
#53. Rincewind gave his fingers a long shocked stare, as one might regard a gun that has been hanging on the wall for decades and has suddenly gone off and perforated the cat.
Terry Pratchett
#54. Kenzie took two staggering steps backward, staring at the feeline as if in a daze. "O-kay," she breathed, shaking her head slightly. "A cat. A cat that talks. I'm going crazy." she glanced at me. " Or you slipped something into my drink at the tournament. One or the other.
Julie Kagawa
#55. We passed through glowering statues of monsters and gods whom I'd fought in person- the vulture Nekhbet, who'd once possessed my Gran (Long story); the crocodile Sobek, who'd tried to kill my cat (longer story); and the lion goddess Sekhmet, whom we'd once vanished with hot sauce (don't even ask)
Rick Riordan
#56. How else would you be able to talk, kitten-cat, if you were not thinking, hmmm?' said George to his charge.
But it was Francois ... who answered:
... 'Ah oui ... but there are a lot of two-legs [people] who do not think very much at all but who always seem to do most of the talking.' (p124)
Jem Vanston
#57. I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. Of course not, Ian. It's just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.
Jeaniene Frost
#58. A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
Bob Monkhouse
#59. They say curiosity killed the cat but I am unconcerned. I am smarter, though slightly less evil, than any cat.
Eliza Crewe
#60. We passed by a few workers, who did double takes as we ran past. I supposed that the image of a hairless cat in a sweater being followed by a stressed-looking chick in stiletto boots could have been funny. I was too anxious to get the hell out of there to see any humor in it.
Jaye Wells
#61. A dream," he whispered. "It's all a dream."
"How metaphysical of you," said the cat. "But we're neither of us impressed.
Anne Elisabeth Stengl
#62. When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?
Cat Johnson
#63. That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.
First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's.
Brian Regan
#64. Calico Kitty
My calico kitty
was painted and primed
she could prowl
the night away ~
without spending a dime...
Muse
#65. That cat was a spy. You had to take a pot shot at it. It was a very clever German midget dressed up in a cheap fur coat.
J.D. Salinger
#66. Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.
Julia Child
#67. From CATS ARE KIND
I saw a dog pursuing automobiles;
On and on he sped.
I was puzzled by this;
I accosted the dog.
'If you catch one,' I said
'What will you do with it?'
'Dumb cat,' he cried,
And ran on.
Henry N. Beard
#68. I'll keep it in my bedside drawer, in case I'm woken in the middle of the night and mistake the cat for an intruder. An honest accident."
"You're not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess.
Kelley Armstrong
#69. My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.
Chelsea Handler
#70. There a dozen ways to skin a cat. All of them are illegal.
Ness Kingsley
#71. I'm sure you've had many musicians in your soft spot.
Caisey Quinn
#72. Hugging your cat can make you very happy, provided she doesn't scratch you.
Wilson Villanueva
#73. You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
Albert Einstein
#74. It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
Lisa Kleypas
#75. Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."
My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look.
Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right.
"It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven."
"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.
Jeaniene Frost
#76. Bones has always been smart," I muttered. "His intelligence was just camouflaged under a mountain of p**sy."
Cat
Jeaniene Frost
#77. The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem. This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.
Joyce Carol Oates
#79. About as much business as a cat owner has selling dog food. Or an Olympic swimmer has advertising for downhill ski equipment. Or a nun writing hard core erotica.
Abso-fucking-none.
Laurel Ulen Curtis
#81. Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony - the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my emotional repertoire; it was the furthest thing from my mind.
Jacqueline Simon Gunn
#82. Charlie whistled "Amazing Grace" as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like "Shout at the Devil" or "Don't fear the Reaper"? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping.
Jeaniene Frost
#83. Since you and Crispin are now finished and I have a few hours to kill, how about that shag?" he asked with heavy irony.
"Bite me," I sighed, gathering up the pages.
He winked. "Of course. My second-favorite thing to do in bed.
Jeaniene Frost
#84. Did he eat the other cats at the pet shop? He's huge!
Yori
#86. Mealtime
"A mousie squealing in a trap
Woke me from my morning nap.
Wasn't he so very sweet
To tell me it was time to eat?"
(From A CAT'S GARDEN OF VERSES)
Henry N. Beard
#87. When a cat goes to the bathroom I look away in embarrassment; when a dog goes to the bathroom I look on with encouragement.
Gregor Collins
#88. No one believes you're serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad
Jeaniene Frost
#90. Do you have my pussy? Oh God, cat!
Do you have my cat?
M.A. Stacie
#92. The newest animal Route 5 had used up, it seemed, was my daughter's beloved pet. We buried Smucky in the pet sematary. My daughter made the grave marker, which read Smucky: He was obediant. (Smucky wasn't in the least obedient, of course; he was a cat, for heaven's sake.)
Stephen King
#93. Oh God", Nate dropped his head down on the arm of the couch next to Si. "Has my love life really been reduced to talking to my cat about this?" Si just licked his whiskers and waited for Nate to start talking. So he did...
Erin Shaw
#94. A cat is an excuse for a lonely woman to talk to herself. That's what a cat is.
Mark Helprin
#95. My cat mocks me frequently. It's the universe's way of keeping me from getting too big of an ego.
Michelle M. Pillow
#96. Roarke pointed a finger at Galahad who'd begun his crouch toward the berries. The cat turned his head toward the screen as if suddenly enraptured by the financial new.
J.D. Robb
#97. He drives a newish-looking silver van.
Man in van = obviously dodgy.
Cat Clarke
#98. It was too late for Honor, who had managed to introduce her forehead to the wooden support beam that had risen in front of her.
Cat Amesbury
#99. Puss hopped down from the couch and rummaged in Mark's closet until he found a black leather belt. This he looped along his shoulder, around his waist, and then clasped together. I'm off to make war, so that you may have love.
Zechariah Barrett
#100. You know it's going to be one of those days when the cat uses the carpet as a bum wipe ...
Hope Barrett
