Top 59 Beer Humor Quotes
#1. Danny shook his head, amusement relaxing the tense line of his mouth. 'Is that all you think about?'
'No! Sometimes I think about food. And beer. The color cyan. I'm a complex and multilayered flower, Danny.
Louisa Edwards
#2. I never get drunk. Never. Iss the beer's fault. I'm strong, but the beer must be sssssstrooooooong.-Niklass
Stacey Jay
#3. The marketing people are always talking about something called 'consumers'. I have this image of a fat little man in baggy Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and a straw hat with beer-can openers dangling from it, clutching fistfuls of dollars.
Robert James Waller
#4. Overheard at O'Banion's Beer Emporium: "Pardon me, darlin', but I'm writin' a telephone book. C'n I have yer number?
Henry D. Spalding
#6. Camp-keeping in the Delta was not all beer and skittles.
Aldo Leopold
#7. Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.
Lois Greiman
#8. You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor."
"But you're a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer."
"Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?
Rachel Caine
#9. You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."
Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."
Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."
It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.
J.R. Ward
#10. I keep telling you, nobody wants legs like a stick insect. They want a bottom they can park in a bike in and balance a pint of beer on.
Helen Fielding
#11. My favorite sport is female and my favorite food is beer.
Glen Cook
#12. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Steven Wright
#13. I talk better when I'm drinking coffee." "Me, too. If by coffee you mean beer, and by better you mean louder.
D.D. Barant
#14. Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"
Dylan Moran
#15. Who made you eat bitch for lunch? Who poured you a tall bitch beer float? Who sprinkled bacon bitch on your salad?
A.S. King
#16. Got it!" Mike announced. The GE record player slowly whirred to life, creaky as an old carousel.
"Nice," John said, raising a beer in salute. "What'd you do?"
"It wasn't on," Mike said.
Eric Spitznagel
#17. Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he's a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.
Laurie Foxx
#18. You're taking a drink from a stranger, dude." I say. "I could be a mad scientist and put something inside your root beer."
"Well, you're giving a beer to a stanger, there's a possibility that we both mad scientist.
Rea Lidde
#19. On my way home, I stopped at a bottle shop and picked up a twelve pack of the boring beer they carried. Once more night of boring... then I was going to kick a few skulls in.
J.P. Sloan
#20. If Jeff wished to pursue the matter he'd have to leave his beer, and I felt intuitively that he would never do that.
Kevin Hearne
#21. When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
Dave Barry
#22. New Rule: Coal companies have to stop calling coal "energy." That's like a lumber company calling wood "fire." Or Budweiser calling beer "urine." Okay, that one kind of makes sense.
Bill Maher
#23. He was a dastardly fellow," the beer mug continued happily. "Truly repugnant. And smelled! Oh, lad, the stench could knock over an ox!
M.L. LeGette
#24. Depth perception and beer obviously weren't related.
Katie McGarry
#25. Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?
Dennis Miller
#26. If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye
#27. She came through the door the moment my beer arrived. Fortyish, salon-blonde, spray tan, fake boobs and real diamonds. Anywhere else it would be a bimbo alert, but in Florida it was just protective coloration.
C.I. Dennis
#28. Czech beer in bottles is the corpse of real beer in a glass coffin.
Sergei Lukyanenko
#29. There are more old drunks than there are old doctors.
Willie Nelson
#31. Curse you, cheap beer. Must find miso in tiny packet.
MCM
#32. I was really putting a lot of pressure on this beer prop; it was going to distract me enough so that I didn't run around screaming like a lunatic on fire.
Jessica Fortunato
#33. This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen," Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.
Rachel Caine
#34. The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.
J.C. Patrick
#35. Well, now that I'm thoroughly and diligently queer, I expected more manly love-talk, you know? Not like Pretty Baby and feeding you grapes and stuff," he snorted.
"Uh, you mean like, hey you bastard I don't have a beer and nobody's sucking my dick, what's wrong with this picture?
Z.A. Maxfield
#36. Jim finished his beer and wondered how in the hell he'd found himself in the role of Cupid. Man, if those four lads even thought about getting him to wear the wings and a diaper while he nocked his arrow, he was so renegotiating his employee contract. And not with words.
J.R. Ward
#37. A storm of yellow notepads, broken pencils, papers, and books littered the tables and floor of the room, along with a collection of empty beer cans. It looked as if a party of wild librarians had just cleared out.
Erika Robuck
#38. Some girl named Eva has him convinced that you put out after one beer."
"What?" My voice was as shrill as the ringing tardy bell
"I personally don't believe it" he went on blithely, "and I have a Porsche. Not as much leg room as a Beamer, but so much hotter, I'm told.
Jennifer L. Armentrout
#39. I no longer needed a reason for my existence, just a reason to live. And imagination, free will, love, humor, fun, music, sports, beer, and pizza are all good enough reasons for living. But living an honest life - for that you need the truth.
Ricky Gervais
#40. Beer is my coffee.
Moi
#41. Do you dance? Or are you strictly a prop-up-the-wall-with-a-beer kind of guy?"
"I dance. But I don't shag."
She laughed. "I think we've just established that you do".
"Not Austin Powers shagging. It's A Carolina thing. A dance.
Virginia Kantra
#42. Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener.
Dick Masterson
#44. I'm just a simple guy. I love beer, sex, and hockey. I hate liars, Sting, and art that doesn't have people in it. - Luke Almeida
Kate Meader
#45. Do you even know what hammerd means?" I asked.
"Something to do with drinking your American beer out of a hole in the side of a can?"
Dave reached over and slapped him on the shin. "Close enough.
Jennifer Rardin
#46. I can tell you I've crunched the numbers time and time again; it is always more fun to have eight people with one beer than one man with eight beers.
Nick Offerman
#47. Oh, this beer here is cold, cold and hop-bitter, no point coming up for air, gulp, till it's all
hahhhh.
Thomas Pynchon
#49. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Benjamin Franklin
#50. I was used to shooting beer cans off the back of an old washing machine, or at things that ran away from me that I intended to eat - not things that ran toward me with the intent of eating me.
I'd found that to be a significant difference.
Lisa Shearin
#52. Why couldn't the merciful God turn down the sunlight so it wasn't blasting like a red furnace against his aching eyes? Because he'd worshipped the god of beer, thats why. He'd broken a commandment and worshipped the false and foamy god of beer. And now he was being punished.
Nora Roberts
#53. If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
Kristen Schaal
#54. Finally- no more ruddy show for the folks back home. No pretending it's all beer and skittles and no one ever gets hurt.- Phoenix and Ashes
Mercedes Lacky
#55. Eugene's got a fake ID, and he actually gets away with using it because he looks like he's thirty-six, thanks to his devotion to tasseled shoes and his ridiculous carpet of chest hair.
Flynn Meaney
#56. If John Grisham, Harper Lee, and Larry the Cable Guy were penned up in a remote cabin for a weekend with nothing but good bourbon, fine wine, and a couple of cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, something like Common Pleas (A Tale of Whoa!) might result...
J. Randolph Cresenzo
#57. Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W.C. Fields
#58. All other beer is ass, and I will not put in the the work to acquire the taste for things that taste like ass.
Baratunde R. Thurston
#59. While the churches, bringing the sweet smell of piety for the soul, came in prancing and farting like brewery horses in bock-beer time, the sister evangelism, with release and joy for the body, crept in.
silently and greyly, with its head bowed and its face covered.
John Steinbeck
