Top 100 Vampire Humor Quotes
#1. Ah, vampire humor. Thank God it never got old, said no one ever.
Chloe Neill
#2. Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic.
Abigail Gibbs
#3. Lovely Arra Sails,
nectar to all males,
how I'd like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale!
Darren Shan
#5. At the last parent visitation night I'd sorta accidentally watched a majorly nightmarish scene between Aphrodite and her parents. Her dad's the mayor of Tulsa. Her mom might be Satan.
P.C. Cast
#6. Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice.
I tap Zetania's shoulder and ask, "What's a precipice?"
"A cliff's edge," she whispers.
Precipice. Must be a French word.
Daven Anderson
#7. I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his ... nothing. A vampire and a werewolf.
I shook my head. It was obvious. I was having one of my Anita Blake dreams again.
Michelle Rowen
#8. Very touching," said a voice from the stairway. "Do you want me to imitate a violin?" - Damon
L.J.Smith
#10. How does one address ... the master of the vampire executioners? My lord? Your grace? Your stakeness?
Colleen Gleason
#11. Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.
Kim Harrison
#12. WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? THE MAN'S A VAMPIRE!
Yeah, but he's a really, REALLY sexy one.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#13. Hang up the phone on a vampire, the definition of carefree.
Steve Aylett
#14. I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.
Jeaniene Frost
#15. They'll torture you for months before killing you if you run Otis shrugged, as if this was an everyday occurrence.
Heather Brewer
#16. Did you see that? Buffy just staked that poor vampire. He had yet to even do anything untowared, he just crawled out of his grave and she staked him. That is just not right. She is taking out her problems with that Angel fellow on a vampire, that is what she is doing.
Lynsay Sands
#17. Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I'm a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck-
Kerrelyn Sparks
#18. First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard.
Jeaniene Frost
#19. Dear God, that man has a magnificent body.' ... 'It's like having a cupcake thrust in front of your face and not being allowed to have a lick of the icing.
J.L. McCoy
#20. It had been a contest between the vampire and an Uzi. The Uzi had won.
D.B. Reynolds
#21. I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren't literally made of fire.
Michelle Rowen
#24. Silly me, thinking you actually had potential. I thought, Finally, she's realized she's a vampire. Now we're getting somewhere. But now you're just a big fluffy bunny with sharp teeth.
Julie Kagawa
#25. I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
Jim Butcher
#26. The second time, I had a freakin' vampire at my back." I froze. Oh shit. "No offense, Mr. Moreau," I quickly added.
"None taken, Agent Fraser. During the course of my lengthy life, I have been called many things, but 'freakin' has never been one of them. I'll consider it a novelty.
Lisa Shearin
#27. Henry held up his taco- formerly Vlad's- and grinned. " Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius."
pg248 Henry to Vlad & Joss
Heather Brewer
#28. I left the Shire,
got 7 outstanding N.E.W.T.'s
and became a Vampire;
Because Winter is Coming...
Various
#29. My turner Mah'Lor is with me forever as well. At least his head is.
Daven Anderson
#30. Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.
Kim Harrison
#31. He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas.
A. Lee Martinez
#32. The most temptation I'd experienced had been with Tomas, the Senate's spy who had been feeding off me without permission, and Mircea, who was probably plotting some nefarious scheme. I have no taste in men.
Karen Chance
#33. I glared at Christian as the blood smeared around. "You could have at least licked it."
He smirked darkly. "I hear that all too often.
Dannika Dark
#34. I can still feel my legs, thanks for asking. My back's not even hurt that badly. Only as though I was just hit by a train.
Jayde Scott
#35. The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.
Robin McKinley
#36. She took hold of him through his pants. I want this inside me five minutes ago.
Amber Belldene
#37. She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not ... you know, better."
"Define BETTER with that guy."
"Not all fangs and raaaaar.
Rachel Caine
#38. I just didn't feel old enough to have children...I had my hands full with a vampire, thank you very much.
L.J. Hayward
#39. V shook his head. "Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How'd you like that anywhere near a female you loved?"
Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage's body.
"We're going to need a shitload of steel," the human muttered.
J.R. Ward
#40. Most of the funeral stuff is going to be done during daylight hours," I said.
"I'm not even going to be able to attend the burial.
Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them.
Molly Harper
#41. The Bloodsucker Queen has lived for what, a millennium? She can wait on her decaying ass a little while longer.
Heather Heffner
#42. Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But you can bite him on the first date at no cost that is quite normal
Amy Mah
#43. Whoever made Freud a vampire is getting a stake in the heart.
Missouri Dalton
#44. Don't tell me you fell something for the little ... oh.' The vampire blinked, then curled his lip back, disgust and pity crossing his sharp features. 'Oh, sister. Really? That's just sad.
Julie Kagawa
#45. Embroidery? I sucked at embroidery. Aunt Hyacinth had tried to teach me, but we'd both given it up as a lost cause.Lucy, strangely, had picked it up really quickly and embroidered a tapestry of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow for my last birthday.
Alyxandra Harvey
#46. Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees.
Kevin Hearne
#47. I learned that it's okay to feel the way I do: that my life has no meaning unless I have a boyfriend. A real man is like the perfect vampire-boy and all the perfect guys in Twue Wuv.
Jess C. Scott
#48. Raphael laughed, and she threw a cookie at him. Of course, he caught it smoothly and tossed it back at her. Stupid vampire.
D.B. Reynolds
#49. I entered his apartment without being invited, which is perfectly fine if you're not a vampire.
Lisa Lutz
#50. It didn't feel sporting to shoot at a crazy person, even if that person was a vampire who'd agreed to the job.
Gail Carriger
#51. I stood up in a flash and flushed a light shade of furious.
J.L. McCoy
#52. It's about time! It's supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.
Karen Chance
#53. Yeah, I write Urban Fantasy, but its more like Die Hard or Indiana Jones with Fairies, Mummies and a Vampire who uses guns more than his teeth.
Kevin James Breaux
#54. There are a lot of movies with vampires and monsters and super-great effects, but if there's no humor or human relations, I don't think it's ever worth seeing.
Harald Zwart
#55. Um, she'll take your number if you're single
J.L. McCoy
#56. Tell you what, you let me go, and I'll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I'm slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.
J.R. Ward
#58. If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle!
Kresley Cole
#59. You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?
Kami Garcia
#60. What kind of monster are you anyway? You should be more humane, Gennady!"
"I was humane when I was alive," said the vampire.
Sergei Lukyanenko
#61. It's not wrong to hustle hustlers. It's like killing murderers, a public service. -Damon Salvatore
L.J.Smith
#63. I know I say people suck, but I didn't mean it literally.
J.D. Robb
#64. Great. There goes our security deposit."
~ Sean
Dianne Duvall
#65. She is so tiresome. 'Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I'll be both!
Melika Dannese Lux
#66. Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I'll rub off one before I go to sleep
Jeaniene Frost
#67. You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Jeaniene Frost
#68. I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names ... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.
Alan Bradley
#69. Louis-Cesare slowly pulled himself into a half-standing position against the side of the winery.'What? Did you think one little mage was going to do me in?' He swallowed hard. 'Hell, that was just a warm-up.
Karen Chance
#70. I got the sneaking suspicion that the vampire was a couple of Peeps short of an Easter basket.
Jim Butcher
#71. Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
Rachel Caine
#72. If we adopted Jack," I quip, "we'd have to give him combat pay for an allowance
Daven Anderson
#73. Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.
Neil Gaiman
#75. So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire's coffin? - Shella
Krista Alasti
#77. Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.
Molly Harper
#78. Promise me, Amelie, that you'll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love."
"I hardly think there's any chance of that," Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.
Rachel Caine
#79. I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.
Derek Landy
#80. In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn't try to make me his next meal.
Rose Wynters
#81. Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
J.R. Ward
#82. To read makes our speaking English good.
Joss Whedon
#83. He's a he. I mean he's a guy. He's your mate. Oh my God you're gay!" Aleks exclaimed. Liam slapped himself on the forehead.
Alanea Alder
#84. I never meant it," he was saying.
"Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it,
seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something ... What do I do? What can I do ... ?
Rachel Caine
#85. I don't want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into.
Nalini Singh
#86. Yeah, sure. You know I can't stand the sight of blood, right?"
"Said no one ever while dating a vampire," he quipped
"Very clever. Ten points to Gryffindor.
Kristi Cook
#87. I mean, electric shock? Isn't that a bit ... electric shock-y?
Emmett Spain
#88. Nina looked up, her eyes fixing on mine with such ferocity I could almost see the undead vampire in them.
"There is something under here," she said, and I shivered.
"Yeah, we know, dirt nap," Jenks said.
"Rachel already told us.
Kim Harrison
#89. You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one's better in bed.
Jeaniene Frost
#90. You're Giving me a ... stick
MaryL to a very dangerious vampire
L.J.Smith
#91. I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather."
"Yeah."
"And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up.
Rachel Caine
#92. Mom. I have something to tell you. I'm undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I'm here to tell you that undead are just like you and me ... well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.
Cassandra Clare
#93. I spent the next fifteen minutes convincing a crying werewolf that I wasn't going to hurt her. My life was getting too strange, even for me.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#94. I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby.
J.L. McCoy
#95. You're sure he's not a vampire?' Claire said.'I've seen movies. They're sneaky.' She was kidding. Eve didn't smile.
Rachel Caine
#96. Bite me, Goth princess," Shane called from the back. "Not literally or anything."
"Maybe you should say that to Michael."
"Not funny, Eve," Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. "Little bit," she said.
Rachel Caine
#97. Nick: How? Are you a vampire or something? What made you immortal?
Acheron: Real good DNA.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#98. We'd better get. But y'all have a nice night,' I say. Apparently, fear turns me Texan. A startling personality insight that I'll jot down later if I'm not dead in a ditch.
A.M. Robinson
#99. Humanity was a passing notion to him; something he liked to try on for size and model in the dressing room, but never actually felt compelled to buy.
Jane Bled
#100. You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control.
Jayde Scott
