Top 75 Religious Humor Quotes
#1. Cartooning is preaching. And I think we have a right to do some preaching. I hate shallow humor. I hate shallow religious humor, I hate shallow sports humor, I hate shallowness of any kind.
Charles M. Schulz
#2. Religious humor is not really my area, so I probably wouldn't do anything about that, or politics or something.
Chris Lilley
#3. Consider this argument another wedge served from the malodorous pie known as "My way is Right," the dessert of choice for politicians, religious leaders, and warring pastry chefs.
Jeff Deck
#4. Do you think the Bible is accurate? I mean, do you think it's real?"
"I think Pastor Calvin is hot. In a fortysomething way. That pretty much sums up my religious conviction.
Becca Fitzpatrick
#5. I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!
Jerry Falwell
#6. What shall we do with ... the Jews? ... their homes also should be razed and destroyed.
Martin Luther
#7. The winds are nothing else but good or bad spirits. Hark! how the Devil is puffing and blowing ...
Martin Luther
#9. While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.
Hyde
#10. Dan Moldea, the lead investigator for Larry Flynt's ongoing quest to uncover sexual indiscretions of Republican congressional members, has now admitted he was hired by the law firm defending President Clinton.
Jerry Falwell
#11. I put all the blame legally and morally on the actions of the terrorist, but America's secular and anti-Christian environment left us open to our Lord's decision not to protect. When a nation deserts God and expels God from the culture ... the result is not good.
Jerry Falwell
#12. I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.
Scott Dikkers
#13. I like one hair, tuna fish, the smell of rain and things that are pink. I hate pimples, baked potatoes, when my mother's mad, and religious holidays.
Judy Blume
#14. I didn't set out to do a gay comic, but given the current political and religious climate in this country, I feel it is important as a gay person, and a Christian, to create stories with humor and honesty.
Paige Braddock
#15. When you're given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.
Shannon L. Alder
#16. You and Dad are really the wrecking ball of all of our teenage runaway fantasies. Why couldn't you jerks go and be crack addicts or religious fanatics so we could have excuses to live on the wide open road? - email from Lily
Candace Allan
#17. I mean, wha comfort does pretendin to be a Buddhist or wharrever give him? What's wrong with pretendin to be a Catholic like the rest of us?
Trevor Byrne
#18. What shall we do with ... the Jews? ... set fire to their synagogues or schools and bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them.
Martin Luther
#19. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
#20. Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt ... people.
Martin Luther
#21. There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.
Jerry Falwell
#22. This is probably as bad a day as the court has had on social issues since "Roe v Wade."
Jerry Falwell
#23. If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.
Andy Weir
#24. I'm going to tell Mrs. Burt that my mom doesn't want me to do anything that might rupture my hymen," Eleanor said. "For religious reasons.
Rainbow Rowell
#25. We will allow private and religious groups to compete to provide services in every federal, state and local social program.
George W. Bush
#26. The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior.
Jerry Falwell
#27. We may well lie with what seems to be a woman of flesh and blood, and yet all the time it is only a devil in the shape of a woman.
Martin Luther
#28. People have sex, even the religious ones. Yet, when sex is transferred into words, suddenly it's dirty, vulgar, immoral, trashy. Funny huh?
Hector Himeros
#29. I almost feel like throwing Jimmy into the stove, as the priest in Kulenberg did.
Martin Luther
#30. See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.
Jim Butcher
#31. Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, Jesus! This cup is expensive!
Conan O'Brien
#32. I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.
George Gordon Byron
#33. In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits.
Martin Luther
#34. My profanity has a certain religious flavor that can only be learned through a lifetime of Catholic education.
Emma Chase
#35. The best way to get rid of the Devil, if you cannot kill it with the words of Holy Scripture, is to rail at and mock him. Music, too, is very good; music is hateful to him, and drives him far away.
Martin Luther
#36. We know, on the authority of Moses, that longer than six thousand years the world did not exist.
Martin Luther
#37. There is no rustic so rude but that, if he dreams or fancies anything, it must be the whisper of the Holy Ghost, and he himself a prophet.
Martin Luther
#38. God does not work salvation for fictitious sinners. Be a sinner and sin vigorously ... Do not for a moment imagine that this life is the abiding place of justice; sin must be committed.
Martin Luther
#39. When I was a child there were many witches, and they bewitched both cattle and men, especially children.
Martin Luther
#40. I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Woody Allen
#41. If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Robert Fulghum
#42. A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him.
Martin Luther
#43. Unless you're in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn't have time for any form of hirsute hipster self expression.
Ari Gold
#44. Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.
Charles Stross
#45. We need not invite the Devil to our table; he is too ready to come without being asked. The air all about us is filled with demons ...
Martin Luther
#46. The days of discriminating against religious institutions simply because they are religious must come to an end.
George W. Bush
#47. Our bodies are always exposed to Satan. The maladies I suffer are not natural, but Devil's spells.
Martin Luther
#48. Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on ... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the drivers wheel.
Jerry Falwell
#49. How often have not the demons called 'Nix,' drawn women and girls into the water, and there had commerce with them, with fearful consequences.
Martin Luther
#50. He hadn't struck her as particularly religious unless she counted the number of times he'd called out to Jesus when he'd been deep inside her.
Amy Andrews
#51. Two devils rose from the water, and flew off through the air, crying, 'Oh, oh, oh!' and turning one over another, in sportive mockery ...
Martin Luther
#52. Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy.
Kevin Hearne
#53. Our plan will not favor religious institutions over nonreligious institutions. As president, I'm interested in what is constitutional and I'm interested in what works.
George W. Bush
#54. Prayer works (unless God has a different plan for you, that is different than what you want). Pray now. It works best if God is undecided.
Juanita Ray
#55. Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
#56. The Devil ... clutched hold of the miserable young man ... and flew off with him through the ceiling, since which time nothing has been heard of him.
Martin Luther
#57. Many sweat to reconcile St Paul and St James, but in vain. 'Faith justifies' and 'faith does not justify' contradict each other flatly. If any one can harmonize them I will give him my doctor's hood and let him call me a fool.
Martin Luther
#58. Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.
Bill Maher
#59. Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.
Bauvard
#60. One day all the racists and religious extremists in this world will wake up and realize that they are living in a 60's movie.
Thisuri Wanniarachchi
#61. At Poltersberg, there is a lake similarly cursed. If you throw a stone into it, a dreadful storm immediately arises, and the whole neighboring district quakes to its centre. 'Tis the devils kept prisoner there.
Martin Luther
#62. If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.
Susan Beth Pfeffer
#63. I myself saw and touched at Dessay, a child of this sort, which had no human parents, but had proceeded from the Devil. He was twelve years old, and, in outward form, exactly resembled ordinary children.
Martin Luther
#64. I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One's misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc., are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status.
Jerry Falwell
#65. I maintain that some Jew wrote it who probably heard about Christian people but never encountered any.
Martin Luther
#66. Demons live in many lands, but particularly in Prussia.
Martin Luther
#67. Religious ceremonies are of paramount importance in Bali ( an island, don't forget, with seven unpredictable volcanoes on it-you would pray, too).
Elizabeth Gilbert
#68. Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence.
Criss Jami
#69. The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc.
Jerry Falwell
#71. The Devil, it is true, is not exactly a doctor who has taken degrees, but he is very learned, very expert for all that. He has not been carrying on his business during thousands of years for nothing ...
Martin Luther
#72. The fact that the biblical book Hebrews is not an epistle of St Paul, or of any other apostle, is proved by what it says in chapter two ...
Martin Luther
#73. We should throw the Epistle of James out of this school ...
Martin Luther
#74. To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason.
Martin Luther
#75. The Devil, too, sometimes steals human children; it is not infrequent for him to carry away infants within the first six weeks after birth, and to substitute in their place imps ...
Martin Luther
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