Top 100 Never Joke Quotes
#1. Well, I live a double life. Tonight, I'll escort you to dinner. Then I have to rush home and finish my calculus homework.'
'You're not joking, are you?'
'I never joke about calculus homework.
Rick Riordan
#2. Werewolves never joke about age," he said solemnly.
"Why not?"
Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. "I dunno," he finally admitted. "I just thought it sounded good.
Rose Wynters
#3. I performed stand-up because I didn't have to ask anyone's permission. My set was never joke-centric. It was a performance.
Michael Keaton
#4. Never joke at funerals, or during business transactions.
Herman Melville
#5. Is that a joke? Please tell me you're joking. -Sophie
I never joke about carnivorous bunnies. -Luca
Rachel Vincent
#6. I'm not joking you. I never joke people. Joke people and you make enemies. That's what I always say.
Ernest Hemingway,
#7. I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world.
Will Rogers
#8. Never joke about the job of your friend. He/she feeds their family with it and it affects their dignity!
Rossana Condoleo
#9. Never joke with the press. Irony does not translate into newsprint.
Erica Jong
#11. Never put a razor inside your nose - even as a joke.
Jake Johannsen
#12. I can never tell a joke, I've always found it easier to just fall over.
Norman Wisdom
#13. I'm the joke of the family with cooking because I've never done it - primarily because I've been surrounded by people who are so good at it. Mum's brilliant. Boyfriends have always been good at it. I'm waiting for my inner chef to be released.
Emilia Fox
#14. CUSTOMER: I'm always on night shift at work.
BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you're buying so many vampire novels?
CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.
Jen Campbell
#15. I have a lot of funny friends, and we joke a lot, but I've never really played comedic parts.
Joel Kinnaman
#16. You never know when you'll have a bad idea for a worse joke.
Benjamin Walker
#17. One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.
Mark Twain
#18. A joke is never a joke if it is at the expense of another person's feelings
Heather Wolf
#19. Love's a weird one, isn't it? I've never told my husband Graham that I love him. He's never told me either. I think it started as a bit of a joke. We just decided never to say it.
Sarah Beeny
#20. There is no reason for believing that any sort of gods exist, and quite good reasons for believing that they do not exist and never have. It has all been a gigantic waste of time and a waste of life. It would be a joke of cosmic proportions if it weren't so tragic.
Richard Dawkins
#21. Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Dame Edna Everage
#22. I have never fit into this town, this marriage, this skin. I am the child who was picked last to play tag; I am the girl who laughed although she did not get the joke; I am the piecemeal part of you that you pretend doesn't exist, except it is all I am, all the time.
Jodi Picoult
#23. Death is another story. I will never make a joke about death. It is beyond my powers.
Mario Puzo
#24. The power of women! I've never felt so full of mysterious power. Men are a joke.
We're so weak physically, so helpless with things. Still, even today. But we're stronger than they are. We can stand their cruelty. They can't stand ours.
John Fowles
#25. Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
Ken Dodd
#26. Well," she said, "if I were the enemy commander, and our assault had failed three times, and I wanted to make a fourth, I don't think I'd attack with fewer men. But that's just me."
"Shut up, Loiosh."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Never mind. Private joke.
Steven Brust
#27. She'd stood by that creed. No softness, because the world wasn't soft; lots of laughter, because if you were in on the joke, the joke couldn't be on you; And no wanting what you couldn't take, because the world never gave.
Or so she'd thought.
Connie Brockway
#28. I never got to tell you so many things. Like how I wish I
could command a room like you. It's so impressive. Or how your eyes sparkle when you make a joke.
It's really pretty.
Kiera Cass
#29. How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway.
Garrison Keillor
#30. I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore.
Alexandra Potter
#31. I've never really been a big fan of comedy songs, frankly. I think I enjoy the emotional payoff that the best music achieves to want to waste too much time turning good music into a joke.
Keith Murray
#32. I wasn't about to tell him that I never said anything to anyone who teased me. I just went along with it like it was my joke too. I wanted everyone to like me ...
Sydney Salter
#34. I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like 'Midnight in Paris.' Nostalgia isn't so enticing.
Meshell Ndegeocello
#35. You know, Goddie's been trying for years to turn me to the gay side," he says in a small, quiet mumble. "I was pretty sure that was never on the cards, until I met you.
K.C. Finn
#36. Well, excuse me for trying to make a joke," Robbie retorted. "You'll never give up
V.K. Sykes
#37. Never more then two, I told her once. I repeat an old joke about why martinis are like a women's breasts; one is never enough and three are too many
Charles Dubow
#38. I snicker at my joke. Dude, if ya can't crack yourself up, ain't never gonna crack anybody else up.
Karen Marie Moning
#39. One should never risk a joke, even of the mildest and most unexceptional charters, except among people of culture and wit.
Jean De La Bruyere
#40. Getting some redecorating ideas?' Nico asked. 'Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.'
Hades arched an eyebrow. 'I can never tell when you're joking.
Rick Riordan
#41. I learned a long time ago from when I did 'Seinfeld' never to take anything seriously, and to be part of the joke is the best way to show what a good sport I was.
Marlee Matlin
#42. We always joke now like, you know, the more experienced we get making stuff, we're like, "Never leave set without a shot of each of our lead characters driving in the car looking happy, looking moderately blank and looking sad." Because we know we're going to need these things.
Mark Duplass
#43. Happily she never attempted to joke, and this perhaps was the most decisive mark of her cleverness
George Eliot
#44. I honestly never once heard them fight. They yelled at us kids all the time, but never at each other. My siblings and I joke to this day about how the reason we have trouble in relationships is because we never learned how to fight from our parents.
Kathy Griffin
#45. History is like a long, twisted joke. You never know when the punch line will come.
Laksmi Pamuntjak
#46. There isn't a need to sugar coat life anymore,
Cant we see we live through enough lies, deciet and painful realities to create more, by stagnating the growth of the ones your suppose to make an Impact on and more importantly yourself.
Let life be funny, but never a joke.
Nikki Rowe
#47. My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die.
Tommy Tran
#48. I never smile when I have a bat in my hands. That's when you've got to be serious. When I get out on the field, nothing's a joke to me. I don't feel like I should walk around with a smile on my face.
Hank Aaron
#49. He threw up his hands and waved them around, and shook all over, and laughed as if he never expected to hear a joke again and would use it all up on this one.
Rex Stout
#50. In a classical joke a child stays behind after school to ask a personal question. "Teacher, what did I learn today? " The surprised teacher asks, "Why do you ask that?" and the child replies, "Daddy always asks me and I never know what to say".
Seymour Papert
#51. I am so happy that I married a comedy writer. He's never not without a joke. No matter where we are.
Christa Miller
#52. His whole personality was like an elaborate joke that he never stopped telling.
Lev Grossman
#53. Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?
Richelle Mead
#54. I can't write a joke. I could never write. I do a lot of stories and I call them stories, but they're just comedy recitals on a given subject.
Ron Shock
#55. would have recognized the opportunity for a world-class joke, but would never allow myself to be funny at the cost of making somebody else feel like something the cat drug in. Let that be my epitaph. ***
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
#56. Is that another sort of joke?" asked the old man. "You've no excuse for being bored anywhere. When I was your age I had never heard of such a thing.
Henry James
#57. I'm excited for the new crop of gay comics who have never been closeted, who never thought that they needed to put on a dress to tell a joke, and it's exciting.
Guy Branum
#58. In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
Graham Chapman
#59. One time when somebody showed up in a wedding dress, but I never knew if it was a joke, or she was serious. She asked me to marry her. She was serious. It was pretty funny.
Bryan White
#60. I have written this book quicker than any other," she notes in her diary, "[and] it is all a joke; & yet gay & quick reading I think; a writers holiday. I feel more and more sure that I will never write a novel again
Virginia Woolf
#61. Comedy is serious - deadly serious. Never, never try to be funny! The actors must be serious. Only the situation must be absurd. Funny is in the writing, not in the performing. If the situation isn't absurd, no amount of joke will help.
Mel Brooks
#62. Victoria closes her eyes, breathing in the familiar scent, and for a moment it's as if they've never been apart. They're still Vixen and Cassandra, summer sisters forever. The rest is a mistake, a crazy joke.
Judy Blume
#63. I've never taken time off from being an actor. This is the kind of career I'd be so happy to do until I die. I always joke to myself that I want to have a postmortem Academy Award Nomination.
Ansel Elgort
#64. There is a simple explanation for why men haven't found women funny. It's because men only ever experience women in relation to men: they never get to see what women are like with one another. Shows like ours started to let men in on the joke.
Magda Szubanski
#65. I'd like to think I'd never do a gratuitous fart joke.
Harold Ramis
#66. One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.
J.K. Rowling
#67. I am, I believe, a young man on whom a grand joke is being played, fated to live one century, perhaps a second, perhaps a third, only to be scrubbed and rescrubbed from the record, to exit, if I ever do, as if I'd never existed at all.
Daniel Kraus
#68. Everyone says "i will never" and "one should never" but, actually, "No one can Resist Miss-using Power (at-least ones) when they have it".
Honeya
#70. Never upstage a man. Don't top his joke, even if you have to bite your tongue to keep from doing it. Never launch loudly into your own opinions on a subject - whether it's petunias or politics. Instead, draw out his ideas to which you can gracefully add your footnotes from time to time.
Arlene Dahl
#71. I had my electricity turned off three times because I never had time to pay my bills. It was a joke. I'm making a ton of money, and I'm walking around my apartment with flashlights.
Sherry Stringfield
#72. People who would never think of dealing in racial or sexual stereotypes will still throw in a fat joke because it's still OK. Really?
Al Roker
#73. Never laughing too loudly in a restaurant no matter how good the joke.
Paulo Coelho
#74. As a kid, I was searching for my tribe of other people who saw through the matrix. Even as a kid I could never buy into the status quo. I just thought it was a joke; I couldn't believe other people weren't laughing at it.
RuPaul
#75. Kell managed an echo of her smile, and [Lila] gasped. "What's that on your face?"
The smile vanished. "What?"
"Never mind," she said, laughing. "It's gone.
Victoria Schwab
#76. Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the lift of an eyebrow. Remember that if offence can possibly be taken, it will be.
Dick Francis
#77. I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There's something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it's a great feeling.
Chris Tucker
#78. The saddest task for the ironist is having to tell the listener that it's a joke, because of course it is never a joke.
Paul Theroux
#79. I've always been jealous of people who can tell stories really well in a room with a bunch of people. I've never been good at it because I'm not cocky enough to be like, "Okay, everyone, listen right now to this. I'm going to blow your minds with this joke."
Brendan Benson
#80. The crisis isn't over. The prospect of nuclear war has never been greater. The United States is so close to invading Cuba that one bad joke in the nonstop series of ExComm meetings is that Bobby Kennedy will soon be mayor of Havana.
Bill O'Reilly
#81. I've never revved my car at a light for an attractive woman or an auto-rival, not even as a joke.
Penn Jillette
#82. Ahmed Sinai never forgave his son for breaking his toe. Even after the splint was removed, a tiny limp remained. My father leaned over my crib and said, "So, my son: you're starting as you mean to go on. Already you've started bashing your poor old father!" In my opinion, this was only half a joke.
Salman Rushdie
#83. Sometimes I know a joke I'm going to yell out ahead of time, but most of the time it's stream of conscious. You never really know it until you've got everyone dressed up, the set is built, all the extras are here.
Adam McKay
#84. I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
#85. I could never make a joke about somebody unless I could say it to their face and they'd laugh.
Margaret Cho
#86. And I have the personal promise of the Governor that never again will anybody be sent to the Sexual Offenders' Wing of the Adult Correctional Institution for telling a joke!
Kurt Vonnegut
#87. I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
Milton Berle
#88. So, whenever Scooter was the Pilot, he never had a chance to fly the orbiter. So, the joke is: I'm going to have a chance to fly it first and hand it over to him.
Duane G. Carey
#89. I laughed. Partly at the joke, partly at how Afghan humor never changed. Wars were waged, the Internet was invented, and a robot had rolled on the surface of Mars, and in Afghanistan we were still telling Mullah Nasruddin jokes.
Khaled Hosseini
#90. It's a joke in the zoo business, a weary joke, that the paperwork involved in trading a shrew weighs more than an elephant, that the paperwork involved in trading an elephant weighs more than a whale, and that you must never try to trade a whale, never.
Yann Martel
#91. I joke that I've never been burdened by having an actual hit. There's something to that. My records have sold enough to make the record company money to help me keep my job. But I've never had anything so firmly ingrained in the mind of the public that I'm expected to repeat it.
Lyle Lovett
#92. I never knew what basketball was. I started playing on the playground. People used to laugh at me and joke at me because I was so tall and I didn't know the game and couldn't play it.
Patrick Ewing
#93. I don't know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me ... anecdotes. But never a joke.
Lucille Ball
#94. She never laughs or smiles or tells a joke. She reminds me of a robot caked in meat.
Matthew Quick
#95. We laughed. Ha, ha, we went. Ha, ha, ha. I'm not laughing now. Never has a joke filled me with such nausea and paranoia and insecurity and self-pity and dread and doubt.
Nick Hornby
#96. For years and years, I was beset with snide remarks by certain members of the press, where they would turn John Oates into a joke, or they would trivialize what I do, which never really bothered me all that much.
Daryl Hall
#97. Pop was her ideal of how a man should be, brave, gentle, comic, never losing his temper, never bragging, never complaining except in a joke, tolerant, understanding, intelligent, drinking a little too much as a good man should, and, to her eyes, very handsome.
Ernest Hemingway,
#98. Laugh until you cry;
never let your eyes look dry
This is not a matter of joke;
this is all to provoke
our sense of humour
Life is its own consumer!
Munia Khan
#99. In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.
Carlos Mencia
#100. The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.
Gian-Carlo Rota
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