Top 100 My Funeral Quotes
#1. A psychiatrist once told me early in treatment, "Stop trying to make me like you," and what a sobering and welcome smack in the face that statement was. Yet somehow, every day of my life is still a campaign for popularity, or better yet, a crowded funeral.
John Waters
#2. I ask a wreathwhich will not crush my head.
And there is no hurry about it;
I shall have, doubtless, a boom after my funeral,
Seeing that long standing increases all things
regardless of quality.
Ezra Pound
#3. Yesterday I fell in love,
today feels like my funeral,
I just got hit by a bus,
shouldn't have been so beautiful,
dont know why I gave my heart,
gave my trust,
gave everything.
Chris Brown
#4. When I die, nobody cry at my funeral, in fact let's all have a party; I've lived the life of ten men. I lived all my dreams and more.
Robbin Crosby
#5. After you died I could not hold a funeral,
And so my life became a funeral.
Han Kang
#6. My own funeral, I'd like to be laid out in a coffin in my own house. I would like my coffin to be put in the double parlor, and I would like all the flowers to be white.
Anne Rice
#7. Did Gran go to a gynecologist? That is totally weird. I never thought about my grandmother's vagina before. I don't want to be thinking about my grandmother's vagina. Not here, at her funeral. In a church. While i'm doing a reading from the Bible.
Meg Cabot
#8. There are worse things than eating the dead, my dear fellow. Far worse things. There is, for instance, making a huge profit out of their funeral, which is the normal custom in the civilized world.
Leonard Wibberley
#9. You are thirty minutes late."
"Yes."
"Would you be thirty minutes late to a wedding or a funeral?"
"No."
"Why not, pray tell?"
"Well, if the funeral was mine I'd have to be on time. If the wedding was mine it would be my funeral.
Charles Bukowski
#10. We were heading into the clumsy territory of my mother's funeral, stretched-out silences, wrong smiles, the place where words didn't work.
Donna Tartt
#11. Wouldst thou find my ashes? Look
In the pages of my book;
And as these thy hand doth turn,
Know here is my funeral urn.
Adelaide Crapsey
#12. I remember from my father's funeral that the minister kept using a metaphor about life of a prism. And I took that away like a cherished image.
Anna Deavere Smith
#13. Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it's last year's Hefty trash bag.
Dave Barry
#14. I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness.
Carl Hiaasen
#15. Should my decease happen in Newcastle I desire that my remains may be laid near the south porch in Saint Andrews churchyard near the remains of my dear wife, and that the least possible expence may be laid out on my interment. Charles Avison
Charles Avison
#16. I like a decent funeral, and God knows in my family we've seen enough of them. Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of 'Dad's Army.'
Matt Roper
#17. I can't think of a more wonderful thanksgiving for the life I have had than that everyone should be jolly at my funeral
Lord Mountbatten
#18. If you thought it was my goddamned fault, couldn't you have called me and told me he was gone? it would have been fucking plus to come to his fucking funeral, you bloodless whore - you ever think of that?
Amy Lane
#19. The introduction of the doctrine of polygamy was the first time in my life that I desired the grave, and I could hardly get over it for a long time. And when I saw a funeral, I felt to envy the corpse its situation.
Brigham Young
#20. To the solemn graves, near a lonely cemetery, my heart like a muffled drum is beating funeral marches.
Charles Baudelaire
#21. I checked myself out in that funeral parlour scene. I saw myself laughing, because there was a shot of Ed and I together and Mary was right in back of us. My head turned from the camera and I saw myself laughing, because Mary was absolutely brilliant in that thing.
Gavin MacLeod
#22. Let no one weep for me, or celebrate my funeral with mourning; for I still live, as I pass to and fro through the mouths of men.
Quintus Ennius
#23. The tea tasted like a clear dark dripping from the past. My grandmother came back with it, in crisp black funeral silks,
Ross Macdonald
#24. Hey, listen,' I say. " Fascinating as this is, we've got to go now. I have to collect the invites for my funeral."
That shuts them up. Fiona looks astonished." Really?
" Yeah." I grab Zoey's arm. "It's a shame i can't be there myself - i like parties. Text me if you think of any good hymns!
Jenny Downham
#25. Black funeral dress. Black heels. Black headband in my hair. Death has a style all it's own. I'm glad I don't have to wear it very often.
Courtney C. Stevens
#26. I don't like funerals, and a while ago I just stopped going to them. I think the ceremony is a form of denial, and when my wife died and my daughter, Cady, informed me that she was unaware of any instance where going to somebody's funeral ever brought them back, I just about gave it up.
Craig Johnson
#27. Growing up, I saw my mother cry exactly once. The morning of her brother's funeral. One long tear ran down her cheek through her make up until she caught it near her mouth and patted it dry with a tissue she pulled from inside her sleeve.
Kelly Corrigan
#28. So, my sweet, did it put the fun into funeral?
Johnny Rich
#30. I've had to write a column an hour after I've come back from a funeral. A deadline is a deadline, I mean, that was just what my job was.
Laurie Notaro
#31. As I'm lying there at my funeral I would hope to hear somebody say, Look, he's still moving!
Peter Costello
#32. I knew I wouldn't get an invitation. I would be lucky to get an invitation to my own funeral, with my reputation.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#33. My biggest blast-off hit was 'You Raise Me Up.' If you ever have a wedding or a funeral, it's a good pick.
Josh Groban
#34. When I was 7 years old, I put on shows for everyone at my grandpa's funeral. I was always the little entertainer.
Natalie Portman
#35. One important thing about life : At my funeral, my living dream and my lived days must be in synchronism.
Myself
#36. They might ignore me immediately.
In my moon suit and funeral veil.
I am no source of honey
So why should they turn on me?
Tomorrow I will be sweet God, I will set them free.
Sylvia Plath
#37. I could not escape a feeling that this was my own funeral, and you do not cry in that case.
John Knowles
#39. I'll always remember when I bumped into Good Morning America's Robin Roberts on a flight to my mother's funeral in 1994, and how kind she was during that difficult time.
Gayle King
#40. How can so much beauty hide such a bruised and steely heart, and why must I love him, why must I lean in my weariness upon his irresistible yet indomitable strength? Is he not the wizend funeral spirit of a dead man in a child's clothes?
Anne Rice
#41. The people protesting to save these woods are right - these trees are almost untouched. His voice was different somehow. It was exactly the sound in his voice that I heard at the funeral of my great-uncle.
Ned Hayes
#42. The only time I have ever seen my father cry in my whole life was the day he watched JFK's funeral procession on television.
Margaret A. Salinger
#43. I remember in 'Pride and Prejudice' I had to do a scene where I broke down. And before we filmed I spent like three hours imagining my mum's funeral. Actually, she's very much alive, happy and healthy. It was really horrible.
Carey Mulligan
#44. I have passed the mountain peak and my soul is soaring in the firmament of Complete and unbounded freedom; I am in comfort, I am in peace.
Khalil Gibran
#45. Will read a poem by Sir Walter Raleigh at his grandmother's funeral.
"Pondering the joys we had, listen & keep very still. If the lowing from the hill or the tolling of the bell do not
serve to break the spell, listen: you may be allowed to hear my laughter from a cloud.
Lynne Branard
#46. My mum passing away wasn't funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.
Kevin Hart
#47. If I talk about my father's funeral, as I did when I was promoting the last novel, 'Being Dead,' I'm not going to tell any lies, but there are certain things I'm not going to tell you, and I'm certainly not going to tell my grief.
Jim Crace
#48. I was raised Catholic. Not just a little bit Catholic, like my wife, Catherine. When she was young, many Catholics in France already barely went to church, except for the big three: baptism, marriage, and funeral. And only the middle one was by choice.
Frans De Waal
#49. It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie.
Neil Gaiman
#50. I am a born-again atheist, so there isn't going to be a funeral. I will be buried in a linen wrap in a cardboard coffin in my forest with an oak tree planted on my head.
Felix Dennis
#51. I wish to declare with all earnestness that I do not want any religious ceremonies performed for me after my death. I do not believe in such ceremonies, and to submit to them, even as a matter of form, would be hypocrisy and an attempt to delude ourselves and others.
Jawaharlal Nehru
#52. If my fans want to do something for me when that time comes, I say, don't waste your money on me. Help the homeless. Help the needy ... people who don't have no food ... Instead of some big funeral, where they come from here and there and all over. Save it.
B.B. King
#53. We looked as if we'd been cobbled together in Photoshop, the three of us, walking to my husband's funeral. One white middle-class mother, one skinny black refugee girl, and one small Dark Knight from Gotham City.
Chris Cleave
#54. My mum had 14 pregnancies - but only four of us survived. We had a little sister born for a few days and she died. There had to be a funeral.
Tyson Fury
#55. I am a corpse bored with my own funeral. I live like a gypsy, only with less gold and maybe more curses.
Pete Wentz
#56. I wanted to be at my sister's funeral, but my family has always had a complicated dynamic.
Nick Carter
#57. I'm riding beside my best friend, and I tell him, in the same offhand tone my mother had used, That's my grandfather's funeral, and he looks at me as if I'm insane.
Nick Flynn
#58. I'm a big Arcade Fire fan. I love the way they make records - 'Funeral' being my favorite.
Tom Odell
#59. Michael O'Sullivan was my great friend. But I don't ever remember telling him that. The words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead.
Ian Bannen
#60. My first clue time travel could be possible was in the barber's chair the day before my girlfriend's funeral.
Timothy C. Ward
#61. Every morning I walk by a funeral home, and that's my productivity hack for how to make sure your to-do list is properly prioritized.
Anil Dash
#62. I want that at my funeral," said Pam. "I want to be carried out on the shoulders of six stalwart young men. Preferably in loincloths.
Leslie Meier
#63. If I fall and break my neck, will you say something nice at my funeral?"
"Like 'Kyler was usually more graceful?
J. Lynn
#64. Put no inscription over the grave, except the date of my birth and my death; and, wherever I am buried, let the funeral be perfectly private, with as few persons attending, and as little show and expense as possible.
Isaac Butt
#65. But tonight was the night. Chloe and Jake were finally going to tell their parents. Tomorrow, I could be planning my boyfriend's funeral.
Kieran Scott
#66. I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. This way I won't feel so bad about being dead, and everyone there will know there is something worse than Death.
Gary Numan
#67. I have experienced a murderer among my friends. Many, many years ago. At close range I have seen the impact of it. I knew the victim, I went to the funeral, I have been to the house, to the specific room where the killing took place, and I was stunned by it. It's such a blow.
Karin Fossum
#68. Please be SILENT and LISTEN.
I am the SCHOOLMASTER
and you are in the CLASSROOM.
Just like ELEVEN PLUS TWO equals
TWELVE PLUS ONE,
And even a FUNERAL can be REAL FUN,
You will find my DICTIONARY
is quite INDICATORY.
If you want to read my story, just look ...
THEN UNREAD.
Pseudonymous Bosch
#69. If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.
George Burns
#70. My solo album is dead and buried. We had the funeral. It was sad and I cried a lot but it made such a beautiful corpse that we had an open casket.
Shirley Manson
#71. I have asked to have no funeral, and no memorial service. I hate other people's and would certainly not appreciate my own.
Charles Saatchi
#72. I want to give [my records] all away before some fool plays disco at my funeral, and then the record gets stuck, and nobody can tell, and the service goes on forever!
Robert Patrick
#73. I was fantasising about my own death, I started thinking what my funeral would be like and what music would be played, I was at that level of insanity.
Billy Corgan
#74. At my dad's funeral I didn't cry when my dad died. I did it years later when I forgave him, which I've totally forgiven him and I loved my dad.
Billy Bob Thornton
#75. After thirteen years, the American flag that had been placed on Dad's coffin at his funeral had been unfurled and was fluttering in the arms of my mother. My dad had always believed
Ronda Rousey
#76. Well, if the funeral was mine I'd have to be on time. If the wedding was mine it would be my funeral. I was always quick with the mouth. I would never learn.
Charles Bukowski
#77. I stood there, staring at my clothes. What does a mama wear to her son's funeral? I looked over my wardrobe.There were outfits purchased for work, church, and casual weekends but nothing to wear to the burial of my seventeen-year-old son.
Shelley Ramsey
#78. To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.
Spike Milligan
#79. If you've only seen a dead body in a casket at a funeral, then you've never seen a real dead body. Believe me, I know, because recently I saw my first real dead body.
Jules Cassard
#80. There will be no funeral! Before I get too old and ill, I'll go to South America and live among the Pemon people and meditate. When the time is right, they can throw my body into the volcano.
Brian Blessed
#81. Death was a big part of my life growing up. I went to lots of funerals.
Madonna Ciccone
#82. The funeral was over, at last I could cry. Except that I couldn't. My tears, kept in too long, had fossilized. They would have to stay in forever now.
Diane Setterfield
#83. When I die, I'll probably climb out of the coffin and play the organ at my own funeral!
Rick Wakeman
#84. Apt and poetic though this was, it was simply too bleak to read at a funeral. Instead I settled on Rumfoord's farewell speech on page 2007, which starts: "I am not dying. I am merely taking my leave of the solar system," and ends: "I shall always be here. I shall always be wherever I've been.
Gavin Extence
#85. If at my funeral they're talking about my boxing stories, I'd be disappointed because this is just a springboard for when I'm finished. It's just a game. It's pretty silly when you think about it: two grown men punching each other in the face and taking it seriously.
Mark De Mori
#86. Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.
David Letterman
#87. Give your Friends Roses while they are still alive; don't wait until their funeral.
-Robert L. Biehl (my dad)
Bobb Biehl
#88. Frankly, I'm not much for funerals unless it's absolutely an obligation. I don't feel it serves much of a purpose to go and see my friends just lying there, dead. I try to pay my respects to my friends when they're alive.
Arnold Palmer
#89. I count too heavily on birthdays, though I know I shouldn't. Inevitably I begin to assess my life by them, figure out how I'm doing by how many people remember; it's like the old fantasy of attending your own funeral: You get to see who your friends are, get to see who shows up.
Lorrie Moore
#90. What am I most ashamed of in my life? Not keeping my promise to my sister and being too scared of America to attend her funeral.
Josephine Baker
#91. My mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don't know. I received a telegram from the old people's home: "Mother deceased. Funeral tomorrow. Very sincerely yours." That doesn't mean anything. It might have been yesterday.
Albert Camus
#92. As soon as people see my face on a movie screen, they knew two things: first, I'm not going to get the girl, and second, I'll get a cheap funeral before the picture is over.
Lee Marvin
#93. I order that my funeral ceremonies be extremely modest, and that they take place at dawn or at the evening Ave Maria, without song or music.
Giuseppe Verdi
#94. If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!
Stan Laurel
#95. Heaven and earth are my inner and outer coffins. The sun, moon, and stars are my drapery, and the whole creation my funeral procession. What more do I want?
Huston Smith
#96. Whenever I start thinking about death, it always cheers me up to think about my funeral and my tombstone (which, by the way, will say "Here lies Harlan Sturr. Please don't pee on him.")
Adam Selzer
#97. I expect my immortality will last about six seconds after my funeral.
Donald Hall
#98. I delayed my father's funeral because of cricket.
Virat Kohli
#99. My grandfather had a wonderful funeral ... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.
Woody Allen
#100. Whenever I can't sleep, I like to lie in the darkness and pretend I've been assassinated. I've found this is the best way to get comfortable. I imagine I'm in the coffin at my funeral, and people from my past are walking by my corpse and making comments about my demise.
Chuck Klosterman
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