Kill Me Now Funny Quotes

#1. And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

Susan Kay

#2. Tom, you're with me. Bring the tranq gun, we don't want to kill her, but if she so much as looks funny in my direction, you're going to send her off to play with the magical pastel bunnies in the Shouldn't-Have-Fucking-Done-That Meadow.

Mira Grant

#3. If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke.

Richard Russo

#4. You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch

Carrie Vaughn

#5. I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

George Carlin

#6. It was funny, I thought, eyeing the Chinese and English logos on the crates, the names of the companies that supplied both countries, funny because our weapons to kill each other were different. But our medicines to save lives were the same.

James Abel

#7. Time heals all wounds. Unless they're infected. Like gangrene. That shit'll kill you.

Johnny Moscato

#8. You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

Lois Greiman

#9. Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia ...
Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.
Step Two: put Val on decaf.
Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie.

Brandon Sanderson

#10. I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.

William Goldman

#11. Kill first, ask questions of the corpse later

G.A. Aiken

#12. Let me get this straight. I can't take the vampire with me because if I remove the stake, he can kill us all. Now I can't take the girl because she's what? some kind of ninja witch?

Tate Hallaway

#13. You see, in Washington they have these bodies, Senate and the House of Representatives. That is for the convenience of the visitors. If there is nothing funny happening in one, there is sure to be in the other, and in case one body passes a good bill, why, the other can see it in time and kill it.

Will Rogers

#14. Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same.

Lois Greiman

#15. Anyone who thinks text messages are funny isn't going to kill himself. There isn't enough going on internally.

Nick Hornby

#16. Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.

Brian Martinez

#17. When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer ...

Robin Williams

#18. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.

Jake Johannsen

#19. There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Josh Stern

#20. Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill Schmeling.

Joe Louis

#21. If looks could kill ... well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.
"See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.

Molly Harper

#22. Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first.

Michael W. Grimard

#23. I picked up a transsexual hooker named Thor, all six feet of her, at the off ramp to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, as I was driving up north to kill a man.

J.A. Konrath

#24. You don't like Blue, do you?"
"No," Mira said, caught off guard by the change of subject.
"I was worried he was doing his knight-in-tarnished-armor thing and it was winning you over.

Sarah Cross

#25. We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

Elayne Boosler

#26. Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.

Ilona Andrews

#27. If I could go into the woods and kill a bear myself, I'd wear it proudly as a trophy.

Nigella Lawson

#28. I have a rule: I prefer anyone who doesn't try to kill me to anyone who does. I'm funny that way.

China Mieville

#29. It never ceases to amaze me how many people think I kill for fun."
"Don't you?"
"Well, not just for fun.

Karen Chance

#30. What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you.

Jackson Lanzing

#31. Hate is funny. Love isn't. Love can kill you. Hate can keep you alive.

Carol Grace

#32. I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik's artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that's all fake heart and no brain is what's commonly called a "politician," and must be destroyed.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#33. I find that when people haven't found God and do not know the new birth and the Spirit is not on them, yet they have the ancient impulse to worship something. If they're not educated they kill a chicken and put a funny thing on their head and dance around. If they are educated they write poetry.

A.W. Tozer

#34. A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

James Patterson

#35. My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.

Mike Tyson

#36. Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you'll steal Nick's powers and kill them both," said Mae. "Great idea. Hey, can i come? I'll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to let blood get on the sandwiches.

Sarah Rees Brennan