Humorous Sex Quotes

#1. Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh ... like uh ... like ... uh ... well, I'll think of it later.

George Burns

#2. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Gloria Leonard

#3. For a man to get married and stay married, he must detach from and disavow the three things that bind him to reality: sex, travel, and near-death experiences.

Brian D'Ambrosio

#4. When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

Nenia Campbell

#5. In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

Nenia Campbell

#6. I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys.

Dave Barry

#7. What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen.

Stephen King

#8. It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!

Martha Sweeney

#9. Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

George Burns

#10. The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

Drew Carey

#11. That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

Joan Rivers

#12. Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?" Adina scoffed. "Is she all, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't see your penis there'?

Libba Bray

#13. Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'?

Erica Dakin

#14. BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT !

Lauren Weisberger

#15. If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi

Cherise Sinclair

#16. Sex with a married woman ten years his senior was stress free and fulfilling, because it couldn't lead to anything

Haruki Murakami

#17. Some girls have a real sexy giggle, but whenever I laugh it always comes out somewhere between a bellow and a snort!

Elizabeth Jane Howard

#18. Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.
The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

Belle De Jour

#19. Not planned... Hoped for maybe, but not planned. I'm a guy. I pretty much always think sex might be an option.

Heather Thurmeier

#20. With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

Erma Bombeck

#21. The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.

Addison Moore

#22. The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

Jacob M. Appel

#23. She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it.

Kayti McGee

#24. This isn't sex."
I blinked. "Oh. Then what is it?"
"An emergency!"
I started to argue and then thought twice about it. Considering what Mircea would do to Pritkin if he ever found out about this ... Yeah. Emergency sounded good.

Karen Chance

#25. I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.

H.J. Bellus

#26. If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese.

J.R. Ward

#27. She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.

Josephine Angelini

#28. In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances that lead up to sex I find more interesting.

Charlie Chaplin

#29. Better laid than never.

Joan Rivers

#30. Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex.

Aakash Deep

#31. It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.

Morgan Matson

#32. I am a trembling mess from hip to knee. There is a terrible heat, a looseness in my innards that makes me want to dig my fists between my thighs. It is a confusing feeling - somewhere between diarrhoea and sex - this grief that is almost genital.

Anne Enright

#33. Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride" ...

Joan Rivers

#34. I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

Joan Rivers

#35. Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men 'exotic,' 'sexy,' and 'just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid.

Kip Fulbeck

#36. Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

George Burns

#37. It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman.

Barbara Taylor Bradford

#38. If men had to have babies there wouldn't be any sex life left.

Thorne Smith

#39. I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not.

Dave Barry

#40. Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me.

David Mitchell

#41. I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

Joan Rivers

#42. Retirement is lie sex. Men love to talk about it, but when the time finally comes, they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their ties back on.

Paula Wall

#43. Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

Jacob M. Appel

#44. I see we have a problem.' Lucas gripped her other arm and gave her a non-too-gentle shake. 'Are you in a relationship? or...' Those dark eyes searching hers narrowed into slits. 'Are you married?

C.C. MacKenzie

#45. If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be?

Douglas Carter Beane

#46. The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

Jackson Radcliffe

#47. The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.

Bill Cosby

#48. My dad had once told me, crimson-red deep in "the talk," that with sons, all he had to worry about was one penis, but with a daughter, he had to worry about everyone else's.

Nicole Williams

#49. If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

Henny Youngman

#50. Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That's right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that's a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.

Kathy Griffin

#51. Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~

Lucian Bane

#52. When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

Jeff Foxworthy