Top 100 Humorous Quotations Quotes
#1. I'm writing a book on Procrastination. I hope to start it tomorrow. I've been thinking about it for almost six years now.
Ron Moore
#3. Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.
Ali McNamara
#5. As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.
Mita Jain
#6. Carrot started to clap.
It wasn't the clap used by middlings to encourage underlings to applaud overlings. It had genuine enthusiasm behind it which was, somehow, worse.
Terry Pratchett
#7. Mr. and Mrs. Lowell are not receiving."
What the hell did that mean? "I'm not throwing a forty-yard pass. I just have a few questions. I think their daughter is in danger.
Darynda Jones
#8. I've always worried a lot. And frankly I'm good at it." The late Erma Bombeck, one of the funniest women ever.
Catherine Robertson
#9. We are not in a foul humor, Belkin. We are in a corrupt-tempered moon. There is a difference, you know.
Rachel Heffington
#10. Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of his little baseball babies! Cassie!!!
J. Sterling
#11. There are two secrets to a successful marriage. The first is having a husband who makes you laugh. The second is never telling your husband what you're laughing at.
John Hartnett
#12. Froi heard Zabat's voice echo over and over again throughout the gorge. Wonderful. The gods had found a way of multiplying the idiot's voice.
Melina Marchetta
#13. And (b) Kissing someone so that you can get a free trip is perilously close to full-on hooking
John Green
#14. Carrie Fay always says that nothing is really horrible unless it eats away your face.
Katie MacAlister
#15. The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.
Mark Jackman
#17. How beautiful would history have been if it could be written beforehand and then acted out like drama!
Aihebholo-oria Okonoboh
#18. The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.
J.S. Davey
#20. If Jeb Bush gets elected, I'll know that on my way back from overseas, I entered Biff Tannen's parallel universe.
Matthew D. Heines
#21. Weakness is weaker when discovered by others.
Mita Jain
#22. Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.
Jacob M. Appel
#23. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt)
Darynda Jones
#24. Leo could run pretty fast when someone was trying to kill him. Sadly, he'd had a lot of practice.
Rick Riordan
#26. Is he your only child? I asked, "my only son" padma said. "My condolences" I said ... Anita Blake
Laurell K. Hamilton
#27. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then what is the laptop? A light saber or a life saver?
K.S. Collier
#28. When you're part of an illegal government conspiracy, your actual job description gets hazy. [...] If you're working off the books, but the books don't officially exist in the first place, have you really gone rogue, or are you just putting in unpaid overtime?
Craig Schaefer
#29. Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)
Darynda Jones
#30. Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.
Chuck Palahniuk
#31. Old as carbon," Nix agreed. "And so powerful I'm working on my demigoddess badges.
Kresley Cole
#32. Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?
Carroll Bryant
#33. If you have pain in your ass, it doesn't mean you have done something wrong, but it's probably because you're wearing your little brother's underwear.
Waheed Ibne Musa
#35. Tell them I have the headache
no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious.
Lauren Willig
#36. For a man to get married and stay married, he must detach from and disavow the three things that bind him to reality: sex, travel, and near-death experiences.
Brian D'Ambrosio
#37. As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.
Stewart Lee Beck
#38. Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.
Matshona Dhliwayo
#39. First month honey ... Next month pie ... Third month ... Get out here and work, you damn bitch, same as I.
Karen Cecil Smith
#40. Is it necessary, do you think,' he began, leaning in so close behind me that I could smell his breath, 'for the purpose of visiting your grandmother's childhood home, to dress like a kindergarten whore?
Danielle Wood
#41. Did you ever notice how the words Attention and Alienation look the same when you are staring at them from a distance?
Alisia Compton
#42. When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.
Matshona Dhliwayo
#45. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)
Darynda Jones
#46. You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt
Laurell K. Hamilton
#47. Why do these big old country houses always have family portraits in the dining room? Do you really want to eat with someone's gloomy great-grandfather looking down on you?
Elizabeth Jane Howard
#48. If anyone wanted ter find out some stuff, all they'd have ter do would be ter follow the spiders. That'd lead 'em right! That's all I'm sayin'.
J.K. Rowling
#50. Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.
Waheed Ibne Musa
#51. Do you believe your gentle birth will turn a bullet?"
"Why, yes," Rhett said solemnly. "Hell yes! Gentle birth's got to be good for something!
Donald McCaig
#52. Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.
Salman Aditya
#54. In my family nudity just doesn't exist; I'm pretty sure my parents were both born fully clothed and still shower that way.
Huston Piner
#55. Have you ever noticed that folks will say 'Look, he has his mama's eyes' or 'his daddy's nose,' but they never say 'We're so proud! Look! He's hung just like grampa'?"
- Zach McKnight
Suzie Quint
#56. Joker: I don't mind you saying that, Johnny. Sometimes, I need to hear the obvious... now is not one of those times, though.
Brian Azzarello
#57. Well you can be sure I'd stop forcing the poor Jews to tart up their humble little temple dedication anniversary into some corn-fed whore of a holiday to compete with our super-slut three-titted Christmas.
Augusten Burroughs
#58. Raising a child is a time of RAPID CHANGE! From the ages of 0 to 19, a PARENT can age over 30 years!
Tanya Masse
#59. His Grace called Virginius in and said: "Do you think a priest of the Anglican Communion should be a divorced man with two wives living?" That's the way he talks. And do you know what Virginius said? He said: "Your Grace, if it weren't for divorce, there wouldn't be an Anglican Communion.
Florence King
#61. Don't eat earwax avoid roasted cabbage and look on the bright side of life -Angela
Christopher Paolini
#62. You do know that I don't have plans to separate you from your socks as you sleep?
Rose Gordon
#64. Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.
Jim Moorman
#65. Oh, drat the men! No matter what they do, it's the wrong thing. And no matter who they are, it's somebody they shouldn't be. They do exasperate me.
Anne's House of Dreams
L.M. Montgomery
#66. Occasionally a moderately intelligent thought misses a turn and accidentally enters my mind
Barry Hughart
#67. Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
Terry Pratchett
#68. If you fall in love with a character, then you are actually falling in love with the author that wrote the character. Therefore, you could conclude that if you are said author, you are in love with yourself.
Heather Dowell
#69. Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,
Steven Pinker
#70. How'd you like to sleep between dragons?
L.R.W. Lee
#71. Blast ignorant people with high-powered streams of information and wisdom, but only when fire hoses are not readily available.
Cassandra Duffy
#73. During the settling of the American colonies, it was said that the Spaniards would first build a church, the Dutch would first build a fort and the English a tavern. Welcome to Charleston, an English colony founded in 1670.
Mark R. Jones
#74. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away.
S. Walden
#75. I met Rob in Austin, Texas. He was hitchhiking to California and I was driving to California, so it seemed like a perfect match. He had long blond hair and blue eyes and golden skin and so did I. It was like falling in love with myself.
Lorena Cassady
#77. So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run.
Edgar Degas
#78. Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.
Darynda Jones
#79. ... but some say that reality is what happens inside a writer's head, and it is fiction which takes place outside it.
Barry A. Whittingham
#80. My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre.
Ben Aaronovitch
#82. Never make an important decision with your pants down.
Katie Thayne
#83. His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.
Jen Naumann
#84. A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority.
Barry Hughart
#85. Quote from In Love of Honey, Money....and My Virgin Passport
If you think you've the most wicked sense of humour, try life!
Mita Jain
#86. Men are born with a great asset of weak memory, especially for the bad moments. It's not the same with women though. Good or bad, they would keep the memories intact like permanent data in ROM.
Mita Jain
#88. I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.
Carroll Bryant
#89. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.
Alan Kinross
#90. I'll be fine. Maybe I should make up a magic milk bath with the Golden Fruit, huh?" I laughed.
Kishan considered and grinned. "A giant bowlful of milk with you in the middle might be a little too much for us cats to resist.
Colleen Houck
#91. I'm writing a new book called 'Ventroliquism for Dummies'.
Ron Moore
#92. Isis what did you mean when you said to Lilith that Ian thought Gaia was a MILF?
Shadowstorm Norwicca
#94. With a leer of mingled sweetness and slyness; with one eye on the future, one on the bride, and an arch expression in her face, partly spiritual, partly spirituous, and wholly professional and peculiar to her art; Mrs Gamp rummaged in her pocket again [ ... ]
Charles Dickens
#96. Humans are animals, but aren't we supposed to be civilized animals?
Justine Monikue
#97. Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.
Matthew D. Heines
#98. There occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:
He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.
P.G. Wodehouse
#99. Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity ... I'm close enough to walk!
Tanya Masse
#100. If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..
Melissa Mercer
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