Top 98 Humor Law Quotes
#1. I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.
Chris Rock
#2. Clarke's First Law - Corollary: When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion - the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right.
Isaac Asimov
#3. It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of nature whereas physicists are convinced that it is a mathematical theorem.
Mark Kac
#4. Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot.
J.A. Saare
#5. Dan Moldea, the lead investigator for Larry Flynt's ongoing quest to uncover sexual indiscretions of Republican congressional members, has now admitted he was hired by the law firm defending President Clinton.
Jerry Falwell
#6. A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.
Karel Capek
#7. I know lots of things you don't"
"Name five."
"The Grand Unification Theory, tax law, binary, the capital of Azerbailan, and how tractors work.
Daniel Nayeri
#8. Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.
Stephen King
#9. The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur.
Ian Strang
#10. It's not like there's a law against flying."
"Yes there is. The law of gravity.
Laini Taylor
#11. Our new faith-based laws have removed government as a roadblock to people of faith who hear the call.
George W. Bush
#12. Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.
Oscar Wilde
#13. The space you have is always a little less than the amount of stuff you need to store.
- Jason's Fourth Law
Jason Dias
#14. Nor is it of much Importance to us to know the Manner in which Nature executes her laws; 'tis enough to know the Laws themselves.
Benjamin Franklin
#15. The older you get, the longer ago everything happened.
- Jason's Fifth Law
Jason Dias
#16. Kagan's law of first contact,'You'll surprise you more than they will.
Janet Kagan
#17. Surely,' I said, 'you don't think that you are going to die because you dreamed you saw your old father; if one dies because one dreams of one's father, what happens to a man who dreams of his mother-in-law?
H. Rider Haggard
#18. It was not Death that stood before me but only Vernon Dickey, my father-in-law.
Don DeLillo
#19. The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Murphy's Law
#20. Truax held up a business card. Randolph "The Hammer" Tinker Attorney at Law "I nail justice in the face.
Chris Genoa
#21. The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.
Sarah M. Eden
#22. The memorability of a fact is inversely proportional to its usefulness.
- Jason's Third Law
Jason Dias
#23. I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law.
John F. Kennedy
#24. A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Mark Twain
#25. At bank, post office or supermarket, there is one universal law which you ignore at your own peril: the shortest line moves the slowest.
Bill Vaughan
#26. A slim shoulder shrugged on the other side of Mako, and his darned dog slid down and plopped her head into Becky's lap. Jealousy burned in Kelly. Becky had a really nice lap.
Kim Law
#27. Was there some kind of law about drop-kicking assholes in the face? Probably. They always had laws against things that needed to be done.
Francesca Zappia
#28. The law enforcement in this town is terrific. All through prohibition Eddie Mars' place was a night club and they had two uniformed men in the lobby every night-to see that the guests didn't bring their own liquor instead of buying it from the house.
Raymond Chandler
#29. I'm creating a self help show called Self Talk. I'll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.
Ryan Lilly
#30. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Dick Clark
#31. How above-the-law children's books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (break of contract).
Sloane Crosley
#32. Laywers, I suppose, were children once.
Jane Gardam
#33. Can't living with the bill means it won't become law.
George W. Bush
#34. She is a famous artists' model who claims to have been christened Topaz - even if this is true there is no law to make a woman stick to a name like that.
Dodie Smith
#35. Life - with or without softener- is hard
Kate Papas
#36. He was not looking forward to breaking the law. He was straight now. He'd matured. Crime no longer excited him.
What?' Ronald said.
I didn't say anything.'
You're breathing heavy.
Jennifer Crusie
#37. To give law enforcement the additional tools it needs to track down terror here at home.
George W. Bush
#38. Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law.
Samuel Butler
#39. Natural law says that matter cannot be created or destroyed, but that was pre-spanx.
Lisa Scottoline
#40. On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.
Michael Lewis
#41. He bet Law swatted flies by dropping buildings on them.
Jez Morrow
#42. MARY! I am your great-great-granduncle-in-law and I demand that you SHUT UP!
Emma Iadanza
#43. The Law of Logical Insanity: Anything that can easily be explained using common sense and rational thought is probably too simplistic and therefore false and untrue.
Ian Strang
#44. Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
Bill Bailey
#45. That creature's staying?' It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)
Richelle Mead
#46. The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.
R.A. Lafferty
#47. As a federal agent, I want you to know I'm disgusted by your lack of respect for the law."
"But you're impressed too," Henry said without turning around. "You're disguspressed.
Lisa Henry
#48. The only laws are paradox, humor and change.
Dan Millman
#49. Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations, said Ron, to general astonishment.
J.K. Rowling
#50. Like a committee in a thieves' kitchen when someone has casually mentioned the law.
H.G.Wells
#51. He held out a hand, I am Lord Bradley, noble nobody if you must know, and greatest source of annoyance to his lordship, Roland. My brother-in-law.
Nicole Sager
#52. I'll catch my death"
"If you don't get out of my sight, you won't have to catch death. I'll bring it to you
Stacey Kayne
#53. Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.
J.A. Saare
#54. When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.
Carla H. Krueger
#55. I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.
Marissa Meyer
#56. Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That's a law of nature, to be known henceforth as 'Harshaw's Law.
Robert A. Heinlein
#57. It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire
#58. What's your name?"
"Emma Gould," she said. "What's yours?"
"Wanted."
"By all the girls or just the law?
Dennis Lehane
#59. A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Magdalen Braden
#60. If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell
Carl Sandburg
#61. Two buttons had come adrift on her shirt, meaning she was showing more cleavage than was normal for an officer of the law. I don't know if she had children, or planned to, but they would never starve.
Stephen Arnott
#62. I'm so good at my job the law thinks I'm three different hit men and a serial killer. I speak Russian and French, I never had a pet, and the reason why you hate my coffee is that it's decaf.
J. Fally
#63. Every day may not be sweet. But thereis something sweet in every day.
Queenie Law
#64. The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
Bill Cosby
#65. Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
Paul Dickson
#66. The universal law is that the most frustrating thing will always happen, no matter how unlikely.
Joe Abercrombie
#67. The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.
Ian Strang
#68. A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
Bill Bailey
#69. There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.
Paul Newman
#70. There is such a thing as a hatred of lies and dissimulation, which is the outcome of a delicate sense of humor; there is also the selfsame hatred but as the result of cowardice, in so far as falsehood is forbidden by Divine law. Too cowardly to lie.
Friedrich Nietzsche
#71. You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
Steve Harvey
#72. The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive.
Richard Curtis
#73. On the stand, I asked the witness, "What's your occupation?"
"Make-up artist."
"Objection!" I replied, "Lack of foundation.
Natalya Vorobyova
#74. You know teenage boys, you own one-Mason Lerner
Natasha Larry
#75. Real estate is the best investment on earth, however, when the music stops playing, which happens occasionally, don't be the one left without a chair.
Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur
#76. Everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses.
Jerome K. Jerome
#77. I had no vote in the making of such a law, and I have no intention of abiding by it, either.
Jessica McCann
#78. Don't underestimate the power of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself to deliver peace and serenity.
Charles F. Glassman
#80. He aimed at the lawyer's heart but missed it. It was a mistrial.
Natalya Vorobyova
#81. We... Charlotta the Fourth and I... live in defiance of every known law of diet." ~ Miss Lavendar, chap 27
L.M. Montgomery
#82. Just those of us with sisters-in-laws who bounce off walls. I feel like I am watching a Ping-Pong ball. Settle down.
Christine Feehan
#83. Rhiannon's Law #37: Don't get so high and mighty, God will only reward that arrogance with a huge bitch slap back to reality.
J.A. Saare
#85. When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them.
Natalya Vorobyova
#86. Those who rise first are morally superior. It's a universal law.
O.R. Melling
#87. A title from the1966 movie
"The Russians Are Coming,
The Russians Are Coming,"
gives a new meaning to
a phrase: "wait a minute,
we've seen this movie before
Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur
#88. I was glad to be made aware
that "Veimke" (jeune fille au pair),
is subject to natural law,
and can be made fat,
by such things as poor diet,
and alcohol.
Roman Payne
#89. I don't see any reason to let law interfere with justice around here. We never did before.
Sid Fleischman
#90. Foget Murphy's Law. Nixe's Law: if you were waiting to make a left turn, there was always one oncoming fucktard who sailed through on the red.
Mary Hughes
#91. That would work in a court of law. But we're not in a court of law. We're in the court of tequila. And in the court of tequila, you and I both know you were lying.
Melanie Shawn
#92. Out similar characteristics in everyone. For example, law students were undisciplined and competitive, medical students strict and lacking a sense of humor, philosophy
Donato Carrisi
#93. Are you taking me off to the woods where no one will see when you kill me?" Becky asked.
Kim Law
#94. You hear, Eugene?' said Lightwood over his shoulder. 'You are deeply interested in lime.'
'Without lime,' returned that unmoved barrister at law, 'my existence would be unilluminated by a ray of hope.
Charles Dickens
#95. ABRAHAM: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
SAMPSON [Aside to Gregory]: Is the law of our side, if I say ay?
GREGORY [Aside to Sampson]: No.
SAMPSON: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.
William Shakespeare
#96. Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
Marc Maron
#97. Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is utterly impossible to parody a Creationist in such a way that someone won't mistake it for the genuine article.
Nathan Poe
#98. Plain boiled food, plain boiled thinking. Even his name is plain boiled: John. Maybe because I grew up with black bean sauce and hoisin sauce and garlic sauce, I always feel something is missing when my son-in-law talk.
Gish Jen
