Top 100 Humor English Quotes
#1. The English, by and large, being a crass and indolent race, were not as keen on burning women as other countries in Europe.
Terry Pratchett
#2. There is a story I always tell my students ... when I came for the 1st time to the US. I didn't speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word "exit" which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :"No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they open leads to success
Pablo
#3. John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!
Bertrand Russell
#4. But why have you dear English Jew whose forefathers fought to enter the country of Johnny Mill, the Stuart with a little heart, saunter in Haridwar, no pubs or fish and chips' counters here, only Ganga-Jal, -the holy ale- Quaff it for the spirit and carry it to the banks of Thames in a holy grail.
Aporva Kala
#5. Where's our teacher?"
"Probably getting it on with the English teacher."
- Alex Gold and Mike Wilson
R.J. Morse, R.J. Brookes
#7. Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing
turn your toes out when you walk
And remember who you are!
Lewis Carroll
#8. Dishwasher safe, debit only, Deborah produced from the arsenal of useful English words for immigrants, with barely a pause for thought.
Sorin Suciu
#9. The count said in careful English, "That was perhaps not, as you English say, very sporting."
"Games are played to win," Cameron said. "And we're Scottish.
Jennifer Ashley
#11. I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?
James A. Michener
#12. Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
Terry Pratchett
#13. It takes a thorough knowledge of the English language to effectively abuse it.
Charlene Vermeulen
#14. In the English language, it all comes down to this: Twenty-six letters, when combined correctly, can create magic. Twenty -six letters form the foundation of a free, informed society.
John Grogan
#15. You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate.
George W. Bush
#16. Oh, God, I don't know what's more difficult, life or the English language.
Jonathan Ames
#17. Just remember if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Rick Riordan
#18. It's my job as best friend to make sure he's not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one's worse.
Shelly Crane
#19. Well, because you mysteriously came all this way and obviously are not the man I thought you were, why the heck not. So, Phet, if that's even your real name, tell
me, how do I defeat Lokesh?"
"It's simple. Do to him what I did to you."
"What? Talk to him in broken English?
Colleen Houck
#20. I speak two languages: English and Sarcasm.
Don Rittner
#21. English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Anonymous
#23. I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
Peter Ustinov
#24. Sparhawk grinned. "If Martel finds out that he's drinking again, he'll reach down his throat and pull his heart out." "Can you actually do that to a man?" "You can if your arm's long enough, and if you know what you're looking for.[ ... ]
David Eddings
#25. Dejardins was so stunned, he momentarily forgot how to speak English. Ce n'est pas possible. On ne pourrait pas-
Rick Riordan
#26. Tea. He watched her while she made it, made it, of course, all wrong: the water not on the boil, the teapot unheated, too few leaves. She said, I never quite understand why English people like teas so.
Graham Greene
#27. During the late Victorian period, one English woman in Hampshire who suffered from fits reportedly ate an entire New Testament in an attempt to cure her illness, putting each page in the middle of a sandwich.
Martyn Lyons
#28. Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn't taken a liking to that. She decided to send Joe to the principal to discuss why he was so sleepy, which Joe hadn't taken a liking to.
Belart Wright
#29. My father and he had cemented (the verb is excessive) one of those English friendships which begin by avoiding intimacies and eventually eliminate speech altogether. They used to exchange books and periodicals; they would beat one another at chess, without saying a word.
Jorge Luis Borges
#30. Ugh. You're being ... you."
"Was that in English?"
"This is all your fault."
"Nope. Definitely not English."
"You're being all hot and sexy, dammit," she said. She banged her head on his chest a few times. "And I can't seem to ... not notice said hotness and sexiness.
Jill Shalvis
#31. I've said it once and I will say it again, why can't everyone just speak English? The Americans give it a bit of a go - why can't
other nations?
Louise Rennison
#32. To read makes our speaking English good.
Joss Whedon
#33. Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.
James Joyce
#34. He's a cocky SOB. He knew the Nick Adams Stories. Probably a frustrated English major who graduated from college qualified to drive a cab.
Peter Heller
#35. English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.
Mark Twain
#36. Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek.
R. Curtis Venture
#37. Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.
James Thurber
#38. Why no s for two deer,
but an s for two monkeys?
Brother Quang says
no one knows.
So much for rules!
Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.
Thanhha Lai
#39. The English play hockey in any weather. Thunder, lightening, plague of locusts ... nothing can stop the hockey. Do not fight the hockey, for the hockey will win.
Maureen Johnson
#40. The original WAS a fun film. [Paul] Verhoeven made a couple of 'Robocops' that were so great, too. I think the level of excitement is great and Arnie [Schwarzenegger] was particularly charismatic with that chopped up English, and the size of the man with his confidence and sense of humor.
Colin Farrell
#41. What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!
Ana Claudia Antunes
#42. Get out of here. Yoda so does not have an English accent!'
'Other than that you're saying I'm a dead ringer?'
'If the shoe fits.'
'Sheesh, I hate tall girls.
Joss Stirling
#43. Which brings us to the least sexy word in the English language, kids," Dad said, kicking back in his chair. "Inbreeding. Avoid it.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#44. In English, we were still on the Introduction to Poetry Unit, and I'm not lying, if I ever meet Percy Bysshe Shelley walking down the streets of Marysville, I'm going to punch him right in the face.
Gary D. Schmidt
#45. No one I met at this time
doctors, nurses, practicantes, or fellow-patients
failed to assure me that a man who is hit through the neck and survives it is the luckiest creature alive. I could not help thinking that it would be even luckier not to be hit at all.
George Orwell
#46. The hallway was lined with numbered doors, odd numbers on one side and even numbers on the other, and large ornamental vases, too large to hold flowers and too small to hold spies.
Lemony Snicket
#47. Boys! Are they always this impossible? Do they always say cryptic, indecipherable things? (Note
to self: work with Liz to adapt her boy-to-English translator into a more mobile form - like maybe a
watch or necklace.)
Ally Carter
#48. Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.
Kurt Vonnegut
#49. An English traveller relates how he lived upon intimate terms with a tiger; he had reared it and used to play with it, but always kept a loaded pistol on the table.
Stendhal
#50. I was born in England - though both of my parents are American - and there's something about the 'Muppets' where they have this combination of English and American humor.
Nicholas Stoller
#51. English and Gym. That's it. Look, do you know how difficult it is to write about being at school convincingly? It's been years since Stephfordy graduated, so it'll save us all a lot of time and effort if we just stick to two real subjects...
Stephfordy Mayo
#52. The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
Frankie Boyle
#53. The best way to tell whether the Norwegian is a Norwegian is to say:
"Are you Swedish?"
Regardless whether you say this in English, French, Italian, Japanese, Urdu or Swahili, he will answer:
"Swedish? Me? I'm a Norwegian!"
Then you will be able to tell.
Odd Borretzen
#54. One knows so well the popular idea of health: the English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the unbeatable.
Oscar Wilde
#55. There are those lunatic people who always prophesy the end of the world. I belong to them.
Angela Kiss
#56. An English gentleman never shines his shoes, but then nor does a lazy bastard.
Will Self
#57. Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
David Cross
#58. The almost egregiously English couple, Cedric and Rosamund Chailey, had slipped quietly away when the conversation turned to God. It had not seemed polite to be present when anything so American was being discussed.
Michael Frayn
#59. I escape disaster by writing a poem with a joke in it:
The past, present, and future walk into a bar - it was tense.
Kelli Russell Agodon
#60. There have been daring people in the world who claimed that Fenimore Cooper could write English, but they are all dead now.
Mark Twain
#61. Miss Austen's novels ... seem to me vulgar in tone, sterile in artistic invention, imprisoned in the wretched conventions of English society, without genius, wit, or knowledge of the world. Never was life so pinched and narrow. The one problem in the mind of the writer ... is marriageableness.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
#62. Suddenly, she employed those very English weapons: devious good manners and a rapid change of subject.
Patricia Duncker
#63. The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.
Dorothy Parker
#64. The English winter is long, cold and wet, just like the English summer
Benny Bellamacina
#65. It's fascinating. You know all these words, and they're all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don't make any sense.
Cassandra Clare
#66. English kings married their cousins and so their kids were as sharp as clubs.
Peter Prasad
#67. I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.
Jerome K. Jerome
#68. English is my second language. Laughter is my first.
Paul Krassner
#69. You mustn't let men drive you to mangling the English language, no matter how sweet they are.
Marisa De Los Santos
#70. We English have perfect eyesight."
Alec finally turned to look at her. "Are you jesting with me, wife?"
"You decide, husband."
"Aye, you are," Alec answered. "I've already learned all about the English sense of humor."
"And what have you learned?"
"You don't have any.
Julie Garwood
#71. Jace rolled his eyes. "It's fascinating," he said. "You know all these words, and they're all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don't make any sense."
(Jace, to Simon)
Cassandra Clare
#72. He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.
Katherine Rundell
#73. We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.
Robin Williams
#74. I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.
L.H. Thomson
#75. What the semicolon's anxious supporters fret about is the tendency of contemporary writers to use a dash instead of a semicolon and thus precipitate the end of the world. Are they being alarmist?
Lynne Truss
#76. There is such malice, treachery, and dissimulation, even among professed friends and intimate companions, as cannot fail to strike a virtuous mind with horror; and when Vice quits the stage for a moment, her place is immediately occupied by Folly...
Tobias Smollett
#77. I've tried to use sex in place of language, but no one yet has been capable of processing the imagery, references, and metaphors I imbue into my thrusts, so I've returned to common English.
Jacqueline Novak
#78. Of course, it is boring to read about boring thing, but it is better to read something that makes you yawn with boredom than something that will make you weep uncontrollably, pound your fists against the floor, and leave tearstains all over your pillowcase, sheets, and boomerang collection.
Lemony Snicket
#79. You're an English major, aren't you?"
"Hey!" Immediately retreating, Keith swatted at him with a dishcloth. "Leave my brain alone. It's resting."
"Sorry, sorry." He leaned away, hands up to display his surrender. "I didn't mean it, I take it back."
"You'd better
Matthew Haldeman-Time
#80. Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
Clarence Darrow
#81. There is, I think, humor here which does not translate well from English into sanity.
Jim Butcher
#82. Nobody wants a house in Osaka,' he said, and it was strange to hear him switch suddenly to foreign pronunciation in the middle of his English. 'It would mean you had to live in Osaka.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'It's like . . . Birmingham.
Natasha Pulley
#83. 'Darling, you have to come home,' she started in as soon as I answered. 'You cannot possibly want to stay in that ... that tomb with bodies falling out of the wall!'
'I don't know why not,' I replied. 'It's everything a ghoul could ask for.'
Josh Lanyon
#84. The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study.
Oscar Wilde
#85. Personally, I think so-called "common language" is more interesting and apropos than "proper English"; it's passionate and powerful in ways that "wherefore art thou ass and thy elbow" just isn't.
J.R. Ward
#86. The British and Americans are two people separated by a common language.
George Bernard Shaw
#87. What's that?' Thaniel said, curious. The postmarks and stamps weren't English or Japanese.
'A painting. There's a depressed Dutchman who does countryside scenes and flowers and things. It's ugly, but I have to maintain the estates in Japan and modern art is a good investment.
Natasha Pulley
#88. Bowen looked nervously about for peasants. It would be unendurable if they all turned out to be full of instinctive wisdom and natural good manners and unself-conscious grace and a deep, articulate understanding of death.
Kingsley Amis
#89. Its a perfectly good face, Sparhawk."
"It covers the front of my head. What else can you expect from a face?
David Eddings
#90. Because he was English and that's what the English do under stress: they drink tea.
Cynthia Hand
#91. Humor is practically the only thing about which the English are utterly serious.
Malcolm Muggeridge
#92. Our English monarchs are so unimaginative," said Eldric. "They execute people in such tediously conventional ways.
Franny Billingsley
#93. The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
Frankie Boyle
#94. English humor resembles the Loch Ness Monster in that both are famous but there is a strong suspicion that neither exists.
George Mikes
#95. In the eleventh century obese English king William the Conqueror took to bed and consumed nothing but alcohol to shed pounds, a practice many of his countrymen seem to continue to this day.
David Sax
#96. A word Gorgeous is much sexier than a word Beautiful
Rahul
#97. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
#98. I realized with horror that I'd left my thesaurus in English class, and so wouldn't be able to describe their beauty in suitably poetic terms, but let me tell you, they were smokin' hot and no bullshit.
Stephfordy Mayo
#99. So James refusing to sit down was a big deal. Unheard of. Like a black child suddenly saying in an English accent to its mama, "No, madam, I will not retrieve a switch so that you may beat me with it. I believe your request to be not only abusive, but also absurd.
Ernessa T. Carter
#100. Does anyone here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek?
- A very lost Marcus Brody
Rob MacGregor
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