Top 100 Friends Humor Quotes
#1. In rough times, pathfinders rely on work, friends, humor and prayer. They develop a support network.
Gail Sheehy
#2. Friends humor and flatter us, they steal our time, they encourage our love of ease, they make us content with ourselves, they are the foes of our virtue and our glory.
John Lancaster Spalding
#3. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven Wright
#4. I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine.
Nora Ephron
#5. If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd.
Shannon L. Alder
#6. Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
David Sedaris
#7. So why did you want to kiss me?"
"We're friends aren't we?" Callum shrugged.
I relaxed into a smile. "Of course we are."
"And if you can't kiss your friends who can you kiss?" Callum smiled.
Malorie Blackman
#8. I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Mark Twain
#9. I tried to go out for theater or theater arts, but I was too scared or too intimidated. But I had a lot of friends on the cross country team that had great senses of humor.
Dana Carvey
#10. A sense of humor saves your life, and being able to make friends wherever you go.
Jason O'Mara
#11. Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.
Lois Greiman
#12. Well, the only reason we're friends is because you can rock a tweed suit," she informed, tone mock serious. "So if you want to keep me around, I expect more tweed.
Laura Kreitzer
#13. And Daniel?" She asked.
"Daniel was a player-"
"Hey!"
"That's what they called the actors." Bill rolled his eyes.
Lauren Kate
#15. Maybe in the morning, sunlight would to turn him back into a statue; then I could take Stone out to the forest where he could frolic among the ferns, gurgle at streams, and make friends with the other interesting rocks.
Devon Monk
#16. One of my book-reading friends used the term "our story unfolds" when describing a paper he was writing. He became somewhat less of a friend right at that moment.
Tommy Greenwald
#17. And your excuse?' I asked.
'I'm a sociopath; I don't have to be nice,' Nicky said.
I gave him a look.
'You're mad at him.I can feel it; which means I really don't have to be nice to him.'
'I thought you were friends.'
'What part of sociopath didn't you understand?' he asked.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#18. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
#19. Once upon a time, I had two close friends. Shocking, I know, given my natural charm, but there are those who just don't appreciate my brilliance.
Julie Kagawa
#20. Words could betray you if you chose the wrong ones, or mean less if you used too many. Jokes could be grandly miscalculated, or stories deemed boring, and I'd learned early on that my sense of humor and ideas about what sorts of things were fascinating didn't exactly overlap with my friends'.
Robyn Schneider
#21. I'd had a key to the marina's locks at one time, but I'd lost track of it when I got shot, drowned, died, got revived into a coma, haunted my friends for a while, and then woke up in Mab's bed.
(My life. Hell's bells.)
Jim Butcher
#22. We hate it when our friends become successful.
Morrissey
#23. Aves hasn't mentioned a boyfriend," Lock chimed in, "and we're just dying to hear all about you." Liar. My friends were filthy lying sadists.
Lish McBride
#24. I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad, dead, married to people who disapproved of me, or weren't really my friends, now that I came to think of it.
Hugh Laurie
#25. Can you meet me?"
"Sure I can. What else are friends for but swooping in to the rescue when their girlfriends are are being stalked by creepy strangers?
Frankie Rose
#26. Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn't have tried to turn ya into a snake.
Michelle M. Pillow
#27. Note to goyim readers: not every Jew who grew up in Brooklyn was rich. And as long as I'm on it, here's another note: fuck you. That's all. Whether or not you assumed we were rich, if you're a goyim, fuck you. But keep reading, and tell your friends to buy the book.
Gilbert Gottfried
#28. But I didn't. I didn't say anything, if only because I had no idea how to respond to such an overture. If my experience with friends was sparse, what I knew about boys- other than a competitors for grades or class rank- was nonexistent
Sarah Dessen
#29. A chuckle escaped Meredith's lips as Cassie swung from sleepy little girl to sympathetic confidante to vengeful angel all in the course of a single minute.
Karen Witemeyer
#30. 'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'
Kim Fielding
#31. I've known Don Mancini for 22 years. We're dear friends. I know his humor, I know his mind.
David Kirschner
#32. I might have known," said Eeyore. "After all, one can't complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said 'Bother!'. The Social Round. Always something going on.
A.A. Milne
#33. Money can't buy you happiness but it buys you all the things you don't have, even friends.
PewDiePie
#34. She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn't make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!
Gina Damico
#35. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#36. Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
Adam Ferrara
#37. Were I to prescribe a rule for drinking, it should be formed upon a saying quoted by Sir William Temple: the first glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for mine enemies.
Joseph Addison
#38. The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.
William Temple
#39. I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line
Stanley Victor Paskavich
#40. The people I mixed with in Monaco didn't relate to my South African mentality or humor ... Although I have met some wonderful people since I've been living in Monaco, I regard them all as acquaintances. I only have two people I consider friends here.
Charlene, Princess Of Monaco
#41. I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'
Marc Maron
#42. When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell your brand of humor.
Noel Fielding
#43. I'm a comedian, and I have my share of anxiety and depression; so do most of my friends. My humor tends to lie in the juxtaposition of extreme lightness - I'm a huge musical-theater fan - and extreme darkness. And so I really like playing with those because that's how I feel.
Rachel Bloom
#44. I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.
Ryan Lilly
#45. We need a full coven...nine women...twelve's better. Do you have any friends?"
Characters, Aunt Jett and Aunt Frances to character, Sally Owens, from the movie "Practical Magic".
Robin Swicord
#46. Jason: Evelyn's not going to like it if you're rude to her friends.
Blake: They're her friends, not mine.
Rachel Hera
#47. You're impossible." I sighed. "And really weird. No wonder Jared likes you."
"Is that a good thing or not?"
I shrugged. "You two have bittersweet panty-dropping connection."
"Gross.
Rea Lidde
#48. I'm not friends with Adam. Trust me, that man is as useful as a tape worm and as appealing as a raging case of syphilis.
Ella Dominguez
#49. And I thought
when you're a half-hour late, and your friends think you're in jail, it's probably a sign you steal too much.
CrimethInc.
#50. Of all the gifts you can get, friends and family are the best!
Jan Britland
#51. Inside the pub, Richard's friends continued to celebrate his forthcoming departure with an enthusiasm that, to Richard, was beginning to border on the sinister.
Neil Gaiman
#52. It's my new best friend, Claudius Templesmith, and as I expected it, he's inviting us to a feast.
Suzanne Collins
#53. I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.
Jody Gehrman
#54. New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please
the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.
Bill Maher
#55. I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.
Edgar Allan Poe
#56. I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It's true that I doubt if I should know my best friends
men or women
with their clothes off.
Laura Lafargue
#57. Gemma was so determined for me to deal with my PTSD, but I thought I was doing pretty well with it. We were friends now. I had my incontinence under control
Darynda Jones
#58. It's my job as best friend to make sure he's not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one's worse.
Shelly Crane
#59. My dad's sense of humor was direct and sometimes surreal - his quick wit is well known amongst our family and friends. He raised me on Spike Jones records and W.C. Fields movies, and his sense of humor fell somewhere in between.
Tony Visconti
#60. On Christmas morning, Rebecca lost her moral virginity, her sense of humor - and her two best friends. But, other than that, it was a hell of a holiday.
Ellen Emerson White
#61. There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.
Sylvia Plath
#62. I'm going to say my name is Dorothy Sherman and I'm telling it like it is. I'm going to say my friends call me Dot, and I prefer my enemies not to call me at all.
Joe R. Lansdale
#63. From her own life experience Keldaren knew that loveable hunks were in short supply anywhere in the galaxy, loveable hunks who knew her were an extinct species, and that more marketing companies than friends had her phone number.
L.L. Watkin
#64. That wasn't Josh Hartnett; that kid was eighteen years old," Kate said.
I told you, they age slower out here. It's all the fresh California air," Val replied.
Yes, because that's exactly what Los Angeles is known for," Kate said dryly. "Clean air.
Julie James
#65. I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Oscar Wilde
#66. Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It's like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It's like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.
Chetan Bhagat
#67. How about "diamonds are a girl's best friends"? Nope. It should be switched around and pointed out, instead, that your best friends are diamonds.
Gina Barreca
#68. Friends, romans, countrymen lend me your ears i want to burry ceasar but not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them the good is often entered their their bones if it were so then let it be with ceasar.
Gaius Iulius Caesar
#69. When you're content, blame your friends. When you're angry, blame your enemies. When you're insane, blame yourself.
Allia Loops
#70. Sometimes I'll be sitting with my friends; I'll say something Koothrappali-esque and make a face. There is a lot of Koothrappali in me as a human being. A lot of mannerism, humor, mischievousness, my innocence. So I don't know if I bring him home so much as I bring myself to him at work.
Kunal Nayyar
#71. Maybe I just didn't want it to be Benny because he really loves her, and if I was wrong about that, it'd be depressing. Who wants to be depressed?"
"Poets," Eve decided. "You have to think they must."
"Okay, other than poets.
J.D. Robb
#72. I believe that singing is the key to long life, a good figure, a stable temperament, increased intelligence, new friends, super self-confidence, heightened sexual attractiveness, and a better sense of humor.
Brian Eno
#73. You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!
Harry Truman
#74. We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.
George W. Bush
#75. So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude.
David Cross
#76. Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
Grenville Kleiser
#77. I got bored," he says. "Besides, you know what's creepier than walking around your dead brothers' apartment? Sitting alone in a hearse in front of his apartment.
Holly Black
#78. A camel in distress isn't a shy creature. It doesn't hang around in bars, nursing a solitary drink. It doesn't phone up old friends and sob at them. It doesn't mope, or write long soulful poems about Life and how dreadful it is when seen from a bedsitter. It doesn't know what angst is.
Terry Pratchett
#79. Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
Susie Derkins
#80. Tiger resists. "WAIT. We're ALL friends HERE. What is it you wanna talk about? SEX? The new DILDO my mom bought me? Or the HAIR on my sister's ASS-
Giorge Leedy
#81. Remind me why I'm doing this again?" I whispered back.
"For your real friends, of course: Me, Caleb, and Chad."
"That's sweet of you to say, but I'm not sure we're all friends. Mr. Darcy over here," I indicated Caleb with a nod, "finds me barely tolerable.
Amy Helmes
#82. I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather."
"Yeah."
"And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up.
Rachel Caine
#83. He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, And that was just my hand, love.
Michelle M. Pillow
#84. All of my friends want to be in my books, but no one wants to die ... ummm ... I write westerns ... everyone dies.
Barry Andrew Chambers
#85. It turns out there is something worse than attending a wedding where you don't know anyone: attending a wedding where you know six people, and they are all your ex-husband's best friends.
Lauren F. Winner
#86. 144461I know very little having to do with human beings that doesn't also have to do with connection. We want to be noticed, we want to be good enough, we want friends, and we want to be loved. We want our place to stand.
Chris Crutcher
#87. Good." She seemed relieved, "They're here." She stood up and
walked to the front of the parking lot just as four beautiful, tricked-out Choppers, all manned by women, pulled in and halted next to the girl.
"Check it out." Angelina elbowed her friends, "Lesbians. In Texas .
Shelly Laurenston
#90. God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.
Addison Mizner
#91. We've all got trashy friends, but we should choose our trashy friends with more care.
Dominick Dunne
#92. Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
Adam Ferrara
#93. Just for the record, I have come to fear all of your ideas in advance, simply from having endured enough of them.
Violet Haberdasher
#94. I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.
Oscar Wilde
#95. I'm not saying I hate you right now; I'm saying that if I had a knife in my hand, you would be bleeding.
Claire Contreras
#96. From a simple, mammal perspective, you think you're going to make friends through the movie. You think, "Oh, this kind of humor that I play with will bring people that have a similar kind of humor. I'll make new friends," or something. You don't even think in terms of audience or of money.
Gaspar Noe
#97. Seeing him jogging at the park had cracked the window so I could peek into his soul. Seeing him with his friends threw the window wide open.
He was so nineteen.
Jennifer Echols
#98. My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, 'Fifty is the new forty!' Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.
Celia Rivenbark
#99. I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
Steven Wright
#100. I would like to thank a world that never understood or accepted me, family and friends that never believed in me, and a God with one hell of a sense of humor. You have all made me what I am today. Let that weigh heavily on your consciences.
David Draiman
