Top 65 Death Humour Quotes
#1. Get away from me," she cried. "What are you?"
"Death," Lok answered menacingly.
Brooke looked at him in horror.
"Haha, just kidding.
Will Collins
#2. He nuclear family from across the street, which, as a result of decay, truly did have 2.5 kids;
Robin Becker
#3. I think I'll give the Cage of Death a miss too," I said. Crocodiles were fascinating creatures, like living dinosaurs, but they could do their living over there somewhere, far away from me.
Renee Conoulty
#4. There are children in Africa, starving to death, and you don't hear them whinging.
Tim Minchin
#6. In life, more than in anything else, it isn't easy to end up alive.
Roman Payne
#7. I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.
Karl Pilkington
#8. I? KILL? said Death, obviously offended. CERTAINLY NOT. PEOPLE GET KILLED, BUT THAT'S THEIR BUSINESS. I JUST TAKE OVER FROM THEN ON. AFTER ALL, IT'D BE A BLOODY STUPID WORLD IF PEOPLE GOT KILLED WITHOUT DYING, WOULDN'T IT?
Terry Pratchett
#9. Tip for the day: never eat a bible when you're starving to death.
Kevin Brooks
#10. The heaviness of loss in her heart hadn't eased, but there was room there for humour, too.
Nalo Hopkinson
#11. A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.
Michelle Franklin
#12. There are undoubtedly advantages to being dead, said Julius.
Jonas Jonasson
#13. We are getting older fatter and balder. Each day brings us one step closer to death. Other than that, life's a ding-a-derry.
M. Kushner
#14. Where death gives you a sense of humour, life gives you a sense of love.
Athan Fletcher
#15. Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
Bill Hicks
#16. The concrete floor beneath the airbed was hard and uncompromising, digging into her back and making it difficult to breathe. The stale air reeked of disinfectant and shit. And something else that she couldn't quite place. Death, perhaps?
Mark Tilbury
#17. How was your afternoon?"
"No one died, so it was a big improvement on my morning.
Will Kostakis
#19. A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#20. For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)
Frankie Boyle
#21. Woss the matter with you?" asked Big Ted, irritably. "Go on. Press 'D.' Elvis Presley died in 1976."
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT SAYS, said the tall biker in the helmet, I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HIM.
Terry Pratchett
#22. Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag?
Don DeLillo
#23. Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead.
Raymond Chandler
#24. What are we toasting?" I ask, slightly bemused. "Reward for employer of the year?"
It's a dumb joke, and I almost groan at my own crappy attempt at humour. Our glasses clink and Hue just sighs.
"My only reward will be the sweet embrace of death
Ruby Nox
#25. Have to be honest with you Darquesse, I cannot feel that. That must be one of your special abilities, because to me, it looks like you just killed a whole bunch of people for no reason."
"Oh," said Darquesse. "That's so sad
Derek Landy
#26. Hecate smelt the odour of death as clearly as she might smell the wonderful, scented fragrance of blooming flowers in springtime or the delicious smell of dinner wafting down the hallway.
Adele Rose
#27. If you were given the chance to be reborn after your death, buy you could only come back as a squirrel, would you complain?
Peter James West
#28. If they succeed, you will not be packed off to some idyllic farm, where you can write bad poetry, we will both be executed.
A.H. Septimius
#29. Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.
Joan Rivers
#30. He wondered often how he would ever recognize the first chill, flush, twinge, ache, belch, sneeze, stain, lethargy, vocal slip, loss of balance or lapse of memory that would signal the inevitable beginning of the inevitable end.
Joseph Heller
#31. This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be.
Yahtzee Croshaw
#32. Yes, you are still grieving for the fact that Olly is not loving you as you love him. But death is no solution. Certainly not this horrible, messy death. Could you at least not consider possible option that is not leaving you looking diabolical at funeral?"
Oh, for the love of God.
Lucy Holliday
#33. Whilst my god is known for his sense of humour, I don't think it extends as far as to save us from death just to kill us as soon as we wake up.
Athan Fletcher
#34. Norns are incredible architects. They simply use death as a building block. Andacellus, Viddion marah.
Taylor Grace
#36. A professional who didn't miss his target even in his death. If your boss had half your sense of humour, this Pakiland of yours would be a much livelier place.
Mohammed Hanif
#37. Dying's a fearful popular activity these days so we often double 'em up.
John Marsden
#38. Being sick is itself a kind of ressentiment. - Against this the invalid has only one great means of cure - I call it Russian fatalism, that fatalism without rebellion with which a Russian soldier for whom the campaign has become too much at last lies down in the snow.
Friedrich Nietzsche
#39. Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that ... He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.
Kristina McBride
#40. Sometimes I think about dying. And then I wonder about going to hell. And then I think that if and when I go there, the place will be completely organized and run by lost souls, with a council and a works committee and an ethics panel, and I'll feel right at home.
Charles Sheffield
#41. Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.
Derek Landy
#42. The mare on which the traitor had been seated at the time of his death was, obviously, no longer considered the best horse in Parthia. It was amazing that she had not been served as stew at one of the banquets.
M.C. Scott
#43. Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
Darynda Jones
#44. I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.
Maureen Johnson
#45. Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?
Corey Redekop
#47. A chap's impending death has a way of focusing the mind.
Sara Sheridan
#48. You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Terry Pratchett
#49. It's not so much an afterlife' Said Arthur, 'more a sort of apres vie
Douglas Adams
#50. Shall we proceed, and ought I do so with my knife drawn?"
"You'd better keep it where it is for the moment," he said. "Otherwise you might stab me to death accidentally." .
"If I stab you to death," she said, "it will not be accidental.
Loretta Chase
#51. The word mortgage originates in French. it literally means 'death grip'.
Michael McGirr
#53. It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.
Terry Pratchett
#54. I say, doctors are the profiteers of death and unclaimed cadavers that were once inhabited by homeless and wondering poets!
Rawi Hage
#55. Indeed, it may most verily be said
That only death and taxes certain are.
Ian Doescher
#56. Call me what you want; I'm still taking your cake.
Lu
#57. You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.
Lindsay Buroker
#58. It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is almost morally obliged to enthuse.
Christopher Hitchens
#59. Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil ... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon ...
Terry Pratchett
#60. I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?
Ryan Lilly
#61. A man must have something to grumble about; and if he can't complain that his wife harries him to death with her perversity and ill-humour, he must complain that she wears him out with her kindness and gentleness.
Anne Bronte
#63. Well we kind of tried to kill each other in a duel to the death."
"I see. You tried the diplomatic approach.
Rick Riordan
#64. Prudent people are very happy; 'tis an exceeding fine thing, that's certain, but I was born without it, and shall retain to my day of Death the Humour of saying what I think.
Mary Wortley Montagu
#65. Relationship humour gets the most laughs. If I'm able to get the women laughing, men will have to laugh along because they would be scared to death.
Vir Das
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
