Top 84 Christmas Humor Sayings
#1. At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Rodney Dangerfield
#2. The married thing. Sometimes I look at it and feel like someone from a Dickens novel, standing outside in the cold and staring in at Christmas dinner. Relationships hadn't ever really worked for me. I think it's had something to do with all the demons, ghosts, and human sacrifice.
Jim Butcher
#3. But, why? You punished me, okay? You've forbidden me to," I shudder, "cum when you know my little body can only take so much of holding it in. I have a nine-inch dick, Randy. That stuff needs to come out.
Candi Kay
#4. God, she was convinced, would look the other way. It was Christmas after all.
Dahlia Schweitzer
#5. I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable
which is to say wealthy
wife among the ladies attending.
And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.
Libba Bray
#6. I can fly around the world in one night. I can wink and go up a chimney in a split second. I can be in 500 shopping malls on the same weekend. I can even fit enough gifts for the entire world into one tiny sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer, but I CANNOT FIX THIS CONFOUNDED COMPUTER!
Bobbi A. Chukran
#7. There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.
Shannon L. Alder
#10. Will hated Christmas, for the obvious reason: people knocked on his door, singing the song he hated more than any song in the world and expected him to give them money.
Nick Hornby
#11. Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!
- The Doctor, Season 7, Christmas Special
Steven Moffat
#12. More pre-Christmas revelers on the Friday-night Tube: girls in ludicrously tiny glittering dresses risking hypothermia for a fumble with the boy from Packaging.
Robert Galbraith
#13. The incongruous combination of white hair, beard, and powerful arms usually caused boys to scatter with the muddled impression that Father Christmas was angry with them.
Helen Oyeyemi
#14. Without the door let sorrow lie,
And if for cold it hap to die,
We'll bury 't in a Christmas pie,
And evermore be merry.
George Wither
#16. I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen.
Charlaine Harris
#17. Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.
Augusten Burroughs
#18. Every idiot who goes about with a 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.
Charles Dickens
#19. My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
Anthony Jeselnik
#20. All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.
Carroll Bryant
#21. Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure
Lemony Snicket
#22. Thomas Bowman's toupee, alas, was never found. He was somewhat mollified by the gift of a very fine hat from Westcliff on Christmas day.
Lisa Kleypas
#23. Gazzy sniffed the air. "That's explosives. It smells like Christmas!"
Okay, so we've had somewhat untraditional Christmases. With explosives.
James Patterson
#24. She's trying to sabotage all the magic holding this island together. But that would create a catastrophe for all of Hawaii."
"Well, that does it," Koko huffed. "As of today, she's off my Christmas card list.
Laurence Yep
#25. I pat the brand new twenty-seven inch Macintosh computers Mr. Foley brought us. 'These boxes alone should make both of us scream like it's Christmas morning! Snap out of it. Santa came! Now we get to play with all of our toys!
Anne Eliot
#26. After that I went home and Sally put what was left of me to bed; next day, being a Christian family, we saluted the happy morn with the Hell and Hades of a row because I wouldn't get up and go to early service, my sister being quite determined that even if I didn't get up. I shouldn't sleep.
Dion Fortune
#27. The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.
David Sedaris
#28. It's a Christmas miracle. I had no tree. Now I have a forest.
Richelle Mead
#29. I'm so glad I put a hot, naked guy on my Christmas wish list. I just didn't think Santa would actually deliver one.
Patricia W. Fischer
#30. That's it? That's all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?" Marshall smirked. "Woe is me.
Sophie Avett
#31. Nicholas is gay, isn't he," she says, her voice dripping with dejection.
I shrug, again remembering his proposition from last night. "Not necessarily. The jury's still out. There's hope for a Christmas wedding yet," I tell her.
L. H. Cosway
#32. I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning
#33. You're thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren't quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you're wrong. There's no such thing as werewolves. That would just be crazy.
Candi Kay
#34. If I hired one of the stock boys to chase me around the store with a licorice whip, I'd be thin by Christmas.
Jennette Fulda
#35. This boy turkied my Thanksgiving, but I won't let him Grinch my Christmas. -Dean Hughes (Midway to Heaven)
Dean Hughes
#36. Amelia Bedelia," said Mrs. Rogers,
"Christmas is just around the corner."
"It is?" said Amelia Bedelia. "Which corner?"
Mrs. Rogers lauhged and said,
"I mean tomorrow is Christmas Day."
"I know that," said Amelia Bedelia.
Peggy Parish
#37. P.S. What the hell. Why not sign off with the traditional American greeting? "Merry Christmas," Uncle Vasile. "Happy holidays to you."
P.P.S. Really
"counseling"!
Beth Fantaskey
#38. Ouch. What is that?"
"Water, you wimp." Humor colored his tone and when I looked up, he was smirking again, but this time it was different. He was beaming, radiating - like he used to.
Shaye Evans
#39. Say, darling, I'm giving you this wonderful present, it's a machine that eats at one end and shits out the other, it's going to run for fifteen years, give or take, merry fucking Christmas.
Stephen King
#40. It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!
Ellery Adams
#41. For the first time, I was glad that Finn had badgered me into buying the Aston, because the car purred into high gear with no visible effort and hugged the road better than a creepy old uncle at Christmas, not wanting to let go of his pretty young relatives.
Jennifer Estep
#42. Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!
Jay Asher
#43. On Christmas morning, Rebecca lost her moral virginity, her sense of humor - and her two best friends. But, other than that, it was a hell of a holiday.
Ellen Emerson White
#44. How you felt?" he asks, still looking like he's trying to hide a smirk.
"Oh, shut up. I'm going now. I'm sorry I bothered you, your Highness of Reindeerness," I say, with more than a little sarcasm. "I promise not to ever disturb you again.
Candi Kay
#45. Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I'm a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck-
Kerrelyn Sparks
#46. Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf.
Andrew Davidson
#47. Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.
Chris Owen
#48. The Christmas Tree, I swear, is so large it looks like it gave birth to the one in Rockefeller Center.
Julie Sarff
#49. Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?!
Hobbes: Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to.
Calvin: Oh.
Bill Watterson
#50. There's no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor's yard.
Dan Florence
#51. Whenever it dipped under 80 degrees, it was cause for celebration - time to write home with the news, dig my jacket out of the closet, and try to quell the impulse to sing Christmas carols.
Bryanna Plog
#52. That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year."
"Why?" Isabelle said.
"So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.
Cassandra Clare
#53. Anna's spiritual formation was relegated to cultural expressions of faith: the Christmas Baby Jesus and his gifts, the Easter risen Christ and his chocolate bunnies, and a copy of The Thorn Birds pulled from her mother's bookshelf.
Jill Alexander Essbaum
#54. But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas.
P.C. Cast
#55. Why are there so many people out here?' Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward.
'Christmas shopping.' I explained.
'Already? Isn't it early to returning things?'
I really had no sense of how his mind worked.
David Levithan
#56. .My middle name is actually Noel."
"So what's your first then?" From her expression, he was almost afraid to ask.
Noel bit her bottom lip. "Christmas.
Katie Reus
#57. I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.
Winston Graham
#58. Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.
Janet Evanovich
#59. I knew it," she snapped. "You're no different from all men. You're just another jerk pretending to be single! I didn't wanna wrap a lie into a Christmas present anyway.
Maha Erwin
#60. At least you know about Jean-Luc and Heather, don't you."
"Nay. I was shuffled off to a remote island for four months. I believe that's what mortals do with their unwanted Christmas fruitcakes.
Lynsay Sands
#61. Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
#62. I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.
Christopher Moore
#63. They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!
Neil Leckman
#64. What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?
Salman Rushdie
#65. My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.
James Aquilone
#66. If the Angels won, the entire Earth would be nothing but one giant Christmas frickin' morning, a choking wave of happiness and warmth and caring and sharing taking over everything.
J.R. Ward
#67. Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.
J.K. Rowling
#68. Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least.
Theric Jepson
#69. Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said.
Miriam Toews
#70. Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.
Alan Bradley
#71. For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Rodney Dangerfield
#72. The Little Drummer Boy was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks.
Dana Reinhardt
#73. Sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree
O woe is me,
O woe is me,
I used to have a hamster tree,
But it was eaten by a newt,
And now I have no cuddly fruit,
O woe is me,
O woe is me,
I used to have a hamster tree!
Clive Barker
#74. Tacos will grow on Christmas trees before I learn to carry a tune. Fortunately, it doesn't matter. In karaoke, talent means nada; enthusiasm is everything. What I lack in talent, I make up for in passion. Hence my karaoke problem.
Rob Sheffield
#76. Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
Christopher Moore
#77. Nixon's offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.
Jacob M. Appel
#78. Sophie and I would use her Christmas break to make homemade treats from our very own kitchen. I mean, if thousands of meth addicts can do it, why can't we?
Celia Rivenbark
#79. [Richard] remembered asking Tommy once why he didn't want to transition into a woman.
"And lose my cock, balls and prostate? Are you kidding me? Honey, I'm still all man. I'm just a man with decoration."
Tommy Wilkins, A Very Tate Christmas (Tate Pack #3)
Vicktor Alexander
#80. Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma'am. I'm not worth more than fifteen.
Margaret Brownley
#81. I bought a big-ass house and haven't decorated it yet," Psycho replied defensively. "Patio furniture looks good in my living room. I don't
have a lamp. The red and green Christmas lights work just fine."
"The lights blink."
"So do I.
Kate Angell
#82. Payback takes many forms but from the business-end of a Christmas turkey isn't a form I would've bet on...
Jonathan Dunne
#83. What do you think of Christmas?"
"I like it," she said. "I think we should have it every year.
Liz Flaherty
#84. You can't pull a gun just because a crazy person wants to talk to you. If I did that I'd never get through a family Christmas.
Marc MacYoung
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