Top 82 Best Humour Quotes
#2. When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.
Rosen Trevithick
#3. The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.
Amit Kalantri
#4. I think I was born 'in to deep,' and bad things happen every day. Sometimes I have to stab hellions. Sometimes I have to frame friends for murder, and stab evil math teachers, and watch my best friend die. Again. We deal with it, then we move on.
Rachel Vincent
#5. Books are pleasant, but if by being over-studious we impair our health and spoil our good humour, two of the best things we have, let us give it over. I, for my part, am one of those who think no fruit derived from them can recompense so great a loss.
Michel De Montaigne
#7. Yeah, that's right, Doc: I'm Chess Pargeter, he's Ed Morrow-this is a gun, so's this. Now, I'm just gonna go outside and kill that big bastard, and if I come back in here and find Ed ain't been fixed in the interim, you best believe I will end you. Got that?
Gemma Files
#8. As simple as that, Conrad had finally done it. For the first time in his life he had the right answer. It wasn't the best decision and certainly wasn't a logical one, but it was the right one.
Victoria Forester
#9. Sally did the mature thing and stuck her tongue out at her best friend.
Quinn Loftis
#10. We are off! And do we know it, not just because the world is yelling "Lift-off" in our ears, but because the seats of our pants tell us so! Trust your instruments, not your body, the modern pilot is always told, but this beast is best felt. Shake, rattle and roll!
Michael Collins
#11. I thought the best place to hide a tree was in the woods.
Patrick Holland
#12. She'd proven to be one of the most aggravating people I'd ever met. Unfortunately for me, she was also the best sex I'd ever had.
Fuck, he'd better never get that far. I wasn't sure I knew where to hide a body around here.
Christina Lauren
#13. The eight-year-old beat your best cadet in hand-to-hand combat?" "So did the six-year-old girl, ma'am. Actually, she beat the instructor also.
James Patterson
#14. I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
Samuel Johnson
#15. Centurion! Would you like to be a cavalryman one last time? There are Venicones who escaped when your line was broken to be hunted down, and Tribune Licinius has ordered me to take the best men available in their pursuit. Leave this hairy gentleman to watch the fun, and join us in the hunt!
Anthony Riches
#17. What kind of slut do you think I am?"
Theo bumped his hips against hers. "This might not be the best moment to ask me that.
Annabel Joseph
#19. Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#20. Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best. Genius must always have lapses proportionate to its triumphs.
Max Beerbohm
#21. Be careful,' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.'
'That's three eyes.'
'You'll need four to survive what's coming,' I said.
Daniel Polansky
#22. Our parents would not be 'The best parents in the world' (to us) if they were not our parents.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#23. I demoted him from The Best Man Ever to just The Best Man I'd Ever Met. Superman would have charged out (hell, he'd have flown) to get Lois Lane cookies. I was pretty sure of it.
Kristen Ashley
#24. Life has a sense of humour; it hides its best treasures in unexpected places.
Mensah Oteh
#25. If your brother can't 'old 'is own against a bunch of orphans, 'e'd best leave off playing 'azard altogether!
Sheri Cobb South
#28. Humour is the best weapon to fight any battle.
But there is a thin line between humour and humiliation and beware not to cross it.
Girish Kohli
#29. And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history?"
"If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons.
George R R Martin
#30. The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,
you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The one that's out always looks the best
Will Rogers
#31. The worst in life, we are told, is compatible with the best in art. So too the worst in life is compatible with the best in humour.
Agnes Repplier
#32. where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom*
*Made it up
and extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.
Terry Pratchett
#34. So what is the best vegetable? Well, we all know that: it's the potato. The vegetable you can't screw up. You can throw a potato into a bonfire, run away from it - and, an hour later, it's turned into a meal. Try doing that with broccoli, or a trifle, and it will laugh in your face.
Caitlin Moran
#35. While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.
Samuel Johnson
#37. Some battles don't have a winner. Sometimes the best a good general can hope for is a ceasefire
Emma Chase
#38. The humour of the Chinese people in inventing gunpowder and finding its best use in making firecrackers for their grandfathers' birthdays is merely symbolical of their inventiveness along merely pacific lines.
Lin Yutang
#39. A dragon is a norn's best friend. Norn saying.
Taylor Grace
#40. I wanted to make at least an effort to impress, so I found my best suit, a Primark special that looked like it had been ironed by a blind man
Jay Stringer
#43. It would be best to stride in with a cheer "hello!", but she wasn't the cheery sort; she was the "lurking in dark corners" sort. She found a dark corner, behind the Stalker-cases, and lurked.
Philip Reeve
#44. Sometimes he was weird, sometimes he was Captain Douchebag, but he was always my best friend.
Sharon Sant
#45. Sometimes being given the elbow can turn out to be the best hand.
Benny Bellamacina
#46. He bent down so I could hear him over the music. "What are you doing here?" he asked with a hard tone.
Okay. Not the best first line. Something like, you look beautiful, have my babies would have been a little bit better.
R.S. Grey
#47. Comedic actors can be looked at as a lower form because we have to put ourselves in a lower place than most of the audience. I think lofty emotions are somehow considered more special. The best stories in the world to me are the ones that elicit a real emotion, but have humour.
Jim Carrey
#48. I had wasted my life in the pursuit of a career, romance, financial independence and the best heels in town when it seems I could have done more for my self esteem with a .38 calibre handgun
Tyne O'Connell
#49. Reframing your past painful experiences and seeing them in a humorous light takes away the power and emotional charge attached to the memory of the hurtful event.
Miya Yamanouchi
#50. Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she replied. With unexpected politeness he bowed, thanked her, and said, likewise.
Carsten Jensen
#51. You like it in jail?'
'It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?
Raymond Chandler
#52. The mare on which the traitor had been seated at the time of his death was, obviously, no longer considered the best horse in Parthia. It was amazing that she had not been served as stew at one of the banquets.
M.C. Scott
#53. Camille, a few feet away, looked like a gypsy who had mislaid his violin and had been searching for it in a hedgerow; he frustrated daily the best efforts of an expensive tailor, wearing his clothes as a subtle comment on the collapsing social order.
Hilary Mantel
#54. I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#55. I first heard of Parmenides' best-known assertion, "Whatever is, is." I laughed and blurted out, "And he's famous?" With this verbal ejaculation I revealed myself as the quintessential sophomore.
R.C. Sproul
#56. But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.
Joseph Heller
#57. Impartially, shrewdly, I considered suicide, though not in my worst moments. The bottle of pills. The note: 'No hard feelings, everyone, but I've thought about it and it's just not on, is it? It's nearly on, but not quite. No? Anyway, all the best, C.
Martin Amis
#58. Mum just laughed gleefully at his mounting frustration, like the villainous matriarch in a Roald Dahl story. I suspect a TV guide would describe her idea of comedy as 'dark', or, at very best, 'alternative'.
Matthew Crow
#59. Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it.
Judith Chambers
#60. I fended them off as best I could while trying to shield my eyes but, tragically, I'd left my flamethrower in my other suit.
Alexis Hall
#61. She was a bitch,' Carl suddenly heard somebody say in the background, and that apparently refreshed everyone's memory.
yes, thought Carl with satisfaction. It's the good stable arseholes like us who are remembered best.
Jussi Adler-Olsen
#62. The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.
Sid Caesar
#63. All I've ever tried to do is get the best out of people and to bring a bit of humour into it. Unlike, say, 'The X-Factor,' which may be great TV, but has no humour at all.
Andrew Lloyd Webber
#65. I like bread, and I like butter - but I like bread with butter best.
Sarah Weiner
#66. I am an optimist and when I am too sure of something or someone, well, of course it turns out that I am wrong
.. at other situations, I imagine the worst and needless to say, I am again wrong
Sanhita Baruah
#68. Is only a novel ... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language.
Victoria Connelly
#69. A best friend is one who understands humour in your most weird jokes..
Himmilicious
#70. Fred said, "Man, I think he's gonna make a fuckin' suit of human skin, using the best parts from each of us."
"Holy crap," said John. "He'll be gorgeous.
David Wong
#71. 'Downton' is one of the best jobs in the world, and I'm looking forward to the next series for Maggie Smith's wicked sense of humour.
Samantha Bond
#72. All the best pubs are built on a hill, so you can slope in and roll out.
Benny Bellamacina
#73. Something girls never understood about poker night. The real point of the card play was to razz. Razzing calls forth unbridled farm-boy humour, earthy by some standards. The best quip involves belittling someone else's penis, or turning it back on the sayer, or both.
Allan Dare Pearce
#74. Sadie was full of crap at the best of times, and in an institution where laxatives were traded like cigarettes in jail, that was really saying something.
James Dawson
#75. It is anything you like best, my own,' she answered, laughing with glistening eyes and standing on tiptoe to kiss him, 'if you will only humour me when the fire burns up.
Charles Dickens
#76. The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires doctors to give their best bottles of champagne to children.
John Green
#77. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'!
Kate Angell
#78. I wouldn't have minded school if they taught you important things like how to have good sex and what brand of wine is the best ... But for some reason they were hell bent on teaching me algebra
Ben Mitchell
#79. Anyway, as the old barrelhouse song says, My God, how the money rolled in. Norton must have subscribed to the old Puritan notion that the best way to figure out which folks God favours is by checking their bank acounts.
Stephen King
#80. We did photograph albums, best dresses, favourite novels, and once someone's own novel. It was about a week in a telephone box with a pair of pyjamas called Adolf Hitler. The heroine was a piece of string with a knot in it.
Jeanette Winterson
#81. Some of my best friends are women,' I snapped, 'though I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to marry one of them.
Kyril Bonfiglioli
#82. You know what the best thing is about the end of the day? Tomorrow, it starts all over again.
Douglas Coupland
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