Best Hilarious Quotes

#1. In my new book, 'Binge,' I share essays about everything I've never told my viewers - touching on the best and worst days of my life, some hilarious, some embarrassing, but all extremely personal.

Tyler Oakley

#2. You will find this hard to believe, but I've never laughed as much as I did when I was a corporate lawyer. When you're working 16 hours a day for months at a time, you get punchy. Everything and everyone seems hilarious.

Susan Cain

#3. That was what made them so hilarious and unafraid. That was the strength of the Nazis. [ ... ] They understood God better than anyone. They knew how to make Him stay away.

Kurt Vonnegut

#4. I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.

Chelsea Handler

#5. Michael Buble is seriously my favorite entertainer. Have you ever seen the guy in concert? He's hilarious. Women love him. Guys want to meet him. He has everything that I wish I could do onstage. And I'm guessin' he's a good-lookin' guy - although he's not one of 'People' magazine's sexiest men.

Blake Shelton

#6. A vibrator can last all night, too, vampire! - Denise

Jeaniene Frost

#7. In person, if possible, Anubis was even more drop-dead gorgeous. [Oh ... ha, ha. I didn't catch the pun, but thank you, Carter. God of the dead, drop-dead gorgeous. Yes, hilarious. Now, may I continue?]

Rick Riordan

#8. Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon's love life borderline hilarious.

Cassandra Clare

#9. This Syrian circus/crisis we are going through is hilarious ... It's like watching some thug killing another person and asking him for his bullets but releasing him free.

Ziad K. Abdelnour

#10. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

Dave Matthes

#11. I totally consider Fishbowl my full time job - I have to say I freaking love doing this blog. I just enjoy the medium so much; I love the fact that it requires me to read amazing stuff by hilarious and talented people and forces me to know what's going on in the world.

Rachel Sklar

#12. There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

Amy Poehler

#13. Forgive me. I continue to underestimate the breadth of your ignorance.

Ransom Riggs

#14. Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.

Arthur Smith

#15. Like something happened to Preppy. That wasn't your fault, dick slick. It was mine. I literally couldn't dodge that bullet. See what I did there? Oh my shit I'm hilarious.

T.M. Frazier

#16. I think I kind of like the idea of you all cold and wet."
"Oh right, I'll be at my best; no visible balls, and a dick that looks like a Chiclet ... "
"I can fix that," laughed Connor.

Z.A. Maxfield

#17. It's hilarious a lot of times. You have a conversation with someone, and he's like, 'You speak so well!' I'm like, 'What do you mean? Do you understand that's an insult?

Jay-Z

#18. You're the best boyfriend ever. You let me ride in elevators and everything."
"Laugh it up, Pet. It'll be hilarious when we get stuck and the smell of unclean tourist is invading your nostrils."
"Don't worry, Sexy. I'll protect you.

C.J. Roberts

#19. Every Brit I met had the best sense of humor. They're hilarious: very dry and witty.

Merritt Patterson

#20. [Ella] "Again, I ask, whose side are you on?"
[Lola] "The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

Dakota Cassidy

#21. Dante.Oh,Dante.Seal me!Seal me so hard!".He grabs my hips and
pumps his toward mine."Oh,Dante! You're so hot when you seal souls."
I shove my idiot-of-a-best-friend off me and laugh."What the hell was that?" I ask.
"My new move.

Victoria Scott

#22. it funny how in school, the best grade is an A, but in the breast department, you never want an A? You want the breasts that get bad grades? The Breast School dropouts? The ones that get Ds and Fs? Hilarious.

Devon Hartford

#23. The political arena is the funniest.They [politicians] are always pretending to change, but they never change. They're the best actors and actresses in the world. They've always been hilarious since the beginning of time.

Paul Mooney

#24. Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.

Dan Harmon

#25. If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.

Tom Hiddleston

#26. The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Evan Esar

#27. Working on 'Parks' was like heaven because everyone there was just intimidatingly intelligent and funny, and we would have these hilarious debates about really tangential things. It was inspiring because I felt really challenged to be my best.

Chelsea Peretti

#28. I won't lie to you - it was hilarious. Yes, we were in trouble, yes, this was a disaster, and so one and so forth, but I have to say, seeing those upturned faces, the looks, was bout the best thing that happened to us since we'd come to New York.

James Patterson

#29. I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.

Denise Richards

#30. (Seth) "So," he said, looking me up and down, "you're what the fuss was all about. I can't say I'm impressed." He sneered at me. "Still riding bulls, cowboy?"
(Weber) "Nope." I smirked at him. "I only ride his cock now.

Mary Calmes

#31. The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'

Retta

#32. Michael, don't," Eve said. "He won't hurt us." Andeveryone rolled their eyes at that. Even Jason, which was borderline hilarious.

Rachel Caine

#33. I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny, so they don't care - in the sense that they know what they're doing. They have a skill.

Ted Alexandro

#34. I think god gave us talent because he screwed up our hair

Dolly Parton

#35. It's often hilarious to me that I'm writing about Tonga or some tropical place and there's a blizzard outside and the cows are on their backs with their hooves in the air.

Tim Cahill

#36. But you have so much in common. You're both from strange little backwater planets. You both have odd powers. You're male and she's female. What more do you need? Believe me, buddy, if I were you, I'd go right up there and ask her if she wants to ride on my rancor.

Dave Wolverton

#37. I don't lack for bed partners, so I don't need to scrounge for unwilling scraps.-Spade

Jeaniene Frost

#38. There are only so many hilarious actors so when they cross-pollinate, people assume it's always the same actors and directors.

Judd Apatow

#39. My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud.
"Yes, my little turnip?"
"Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the sort again we shall have words.

Jordan L. Hawk

#40. - Why did blondes vote for Clinton?
- They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious!

Bryanna Reid

#41. Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you?

Jennifer L. Armentrout

#42. I was a huge fan of 'Arrested Development,' and there's just something it tickles in me and it's bright and it's hilarious.

Keri Russell

#43. Sometimes things need shaking up. You've got to test the limits.

Lindsey Kelk

#44. The world disappoints us all, and the ways we change our own stories to survive that disappointment are beautiful and tragic and hilarious.

Daniel Abraham

#45. Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.

Chelsea Handler

#46. ( ... ) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a beacon in it, flashing for the entire world to see, except it's not cool like the Bat signal.

Keary Taylor

#47. Oh, my God!" Ignatius bellowed from the front of the house. "What an egregious insult to good taste.

John Kennedy Toole

#48. Oh definitely. It'll be in a hot tub, with my entire head squeezed into a jet. The photos are going to be hilarious. Man, I really hope the internet sticks around so people can reference this article in my obituaries and see that what sounds like a joke was actually amazingly prescient.

Jason Sudeikis

#49. Anybody wants to call me the Triple H of Ring of Honor, I think that's hilarious. I would prefer to call Triple H the CM Punk of the WWE

CM Punk

#50. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

Carroll Bryant

#51. It's a funny world, Hobbes."
"True."
"But it's not a hilarious world. ... unless you like sick humour."
"The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here.

Bill Watterson

#52. The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

Jo Brand

#53. I dare you to call Ask-A-Nurse and tell them you feel a presence in your womb region.

Rainbow Rowell

#54. I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.

Chris Kattan

#55. Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That's just ... wrong. On so many levels.

Emma Chase

#56. Guston tacked toward celebrating the crap of life not for its own ironic sake, but as the ever-present still life that surrounds the embarrassingly, even tragically human. No Duchampian object is ever tragic. Many if not most of Guston's objects, even the most hilarious, are.

Ross Feld

#57. Like a lot of people, I've always enjoyed commenting on strangers' outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people's hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

Demetri Martin

#58. I think it's hilarious when middle-aged white men try to take themselves seriously. It makes me laugh.

Chris Bauer

#59. Young love is so ridiculous, as is middle-aged and old love. And it's also hilarious. When have you ever felt so vulnerable and wonderful and terrible at the same time?

Grace Helbig

#60. Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.

C.S. Lewis

#61. Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.

David Wong

#62. Kids are flat-out freaking hilarious if you are paying attention. Not just my kid, but every kid.

Dan Alatorre