Evan Esar Quotes

#1. A creature that never cries over spilt milk: a cat.

Evan Esar

#2. The secret of successful writing lies in striking the right keys on the typewriter.

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#3. There is nothing more dignified than a corpse.

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#4. In Congress the majority governs, but the minority rules.

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#5. Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.

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#6. The word impossible is peculiar because if you examine it closely, you'll find that most of it is possible.

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#7. Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.

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#8. The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams

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#9. It's not the loss of life that makes the death bitter
it's the obituaries.

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#10. Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

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#11. Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.

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#12. Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.

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#13. There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.

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#14. The difference between two men is usually a woman.

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#15. A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.

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#16. Many an actor does the stage more ham than good.

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#17. There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.

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#18. Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.

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#19. A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it.

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#20. Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.

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#21. Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.

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#22. Formerly when a man worked ten hours a day, it was called economic slavery; nowadays it is called moonlighting.

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#23. Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.

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#24. About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn.

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#25. Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible.

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#26. A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

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#27. If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday.

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#28. The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening.

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#29. Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

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#30. Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

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#31. You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game.

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#32. If you want to be different nowadays, just act normal.

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#33. You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.

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#34. Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

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#35. After wisdom comes wit.

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#36. A word to the wise is
unnecessary.

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#37. Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings.

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#38. A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.

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#39. Do a little more every day than you are expected to do, and soon you will be expected to do more.

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#40. The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize ability.

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#41. Age brings wisdom to some men, and to others chess.

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#42. Some men take good care of a car; others treat it like one of the family.

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#43. This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

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#44. The state of the Union largely depends on the state of the unions.

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#45. Congress would give the people what they wanted if the people knew what they wanted, and if Congress could give it to them.

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#46. Some people would never get any exercise at all if they didn't have to walk to their cars.

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#47. Let those who want to, arrive
Let those who want to, leave
Let those who want to, stay
With out harm to me or mine

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#48. The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.

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#49. Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

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#50. The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

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#51. A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.

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#52. Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.

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#53. Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.

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#54. Adam and Eve were the first of all unions to defy management.

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#55. Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed.

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#56. The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts.

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#57. Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it.

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#58. The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.

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#59. Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

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#60. A man doesn't have vacation problems: his boss tells him when to take them, and his wife tells him where.

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#61. The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

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#62. Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy.

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#63. Hard work never hurt anyone who hired someone else to do it.

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#64. The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.

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#65. Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

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#66. Under dictatorship, the people in prison are always superior to the people who put them there.

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#67. Conceit is a disease That the doctors got no cure They've done a lot of research on it But what it is, they're still not sure.

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#68. A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always start with the germ of an idea.

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#69. Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.

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#70. Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.

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#71. Many a wedding takes place when a man can't afford to go steady with a girl any longer.

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#72. A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

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#73. The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery
amputation at the neck.

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#74. The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

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#75. The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

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#76. We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

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#77. Character is what you have when you've lost everything you can loose.

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#78. A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.

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#79. The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense.

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#80. You can tell a man's taste in literature by his judgment in knowing what not to read.

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#81. The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman.

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#82. There's nothing as short as short-term debt.

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#83. Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.

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#84. The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

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#85. [Statistics] The science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics.

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#86. A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit.

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#87. The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

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#88. An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce.

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#89. Everything comes to him who waits
if he waits till it comes.

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#90. If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.

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#91. The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself.

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#92. All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.

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#93. The reason why men who mind their own business succeed is that they have so little competition.

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#94. Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches.

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#95. Diets show to what great lengths women will go so as not to go to great widths.

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#96. Some men are so eager for success that they are even willing to work for it.

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#97. Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy.

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#98. All work and no pay makes a housewife.

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#99. Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all.

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#100. The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself.

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