What If I Told You Funny Quotes

#1. Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?

'Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.' Prov. xxvi. 4.

'Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.' Prov. xxvi. 5.

Samuel Grant Oliphant

#2. I think I have a clue how much you love me now, Hop," I told him when he broke the kiss.
"Good to know, baby," he said through a grin.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"So far from a hardship, it isn't funny, lady, but you're welcome.

Kristen Ashley

#3. Okay okay, hold your people," she told the big horse as she started walking.
"You're not going to starve to death any time soon you know.

Kate Lattey

#4. She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It's kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn't listening.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#5. Think you can maybe not die for five minutes?"
"I'll try,"I told him seriously.
"You know, if anyone else said that, it would be funny.

Karen Chance

#6. Funny, that we always told stories with wolves and beasts and demons as villains, but in real life it seemed the humans were always the worst enemies. You could be your own villain.

Liesl Shurtliff

#7. A mate of mine told me recently, 'It's the first time I've seen you work, Worthington.' I thought that was quite funny, but he was right.

Sam Worthington

#8. I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

#9. I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Rodney Dangerfield

#10. I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.

E.A. Bucchianeri

#11. Once you've heard the joke, it's not funny anymore, but it's the way it's told. And I think that's the same with the music: The reason some of my songs have lasted longer is there's a lot of stuff packed in there. You want to hear them more than once.

Tom Lehrer

#12. When someone told me I live in a fantasy land, I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Unknown

#13. I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I'd never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

David Levithan

#14. There are different types of fancy photographers. Some are big, fun personalities like Mario Testino, who once told me, "Lift your chin, darling, you are not eighteen." I enjoyed his honesty. Also, I'm pretty sure he says that to models who are nineteen.

Tina Fey

#15. Pete Davidson - he's in the movie 'Trainwreck.' He has a small part in it. I told Lorne Michaels about him, said he was really funny.

Bill Hader

#16. What is memory foam? How does it remember things? Does it have its own brain?" Edilyn
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Suffice it to say, it's something future man will thank modern science for. There's also a toilet in the bathroom." Virag
"A what in the who?" Edilyn

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#17. My friend had a funny remark; he told me everybody has something - some people have a big butt, some people are insecure and at least you know what it is, even if it's a lump on your head. I know I have a lump on my head.

Karen Duffy

#18. It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.

John Mulaney

#19. Ladders were not inherently dangerous, he told himself, people climbed them every day, and most of them lived.

Anne Ursu

#20. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Claude Pepper

#21. You know what's funny about death? I mean other than absolutely nothing at all? You'd think we could remember finding out we weren't immortal. Sometimes I see children sobbing airports and I think, Aww. They've just been told.

Carrie Fisher

#22. I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Rodney Dangerfield

#23. The moment I was introduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.'

Julian Fellowes

#24. A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... "

Emo Philips

#25. Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.

Caroline Rhea

#26. I'm happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here.
'I told you I could do it ' Lio IMs me. I want to rip out that smiley's eyes.

Hannah Moskowitz

#27. Honey, what's the Detective doing here?"

"Tag, you never told me Wayne was so funny!"

"Wayne?"

"That's me. Most detectives also have first names.

Jules Cassard

#28. Is he crazy? No one has ever told me my doodles are good, not that I flash them around or anything. Gen likes them, but she also thinks vampire romances are literature and sings along to 'Islands in the Stream.' Her tastes are dubious. She's not a reliable source.

Jules Barnard

#29. I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.

Lee Hendrie

#30. I did turn down 'The Virgin Suicides.' I talked to the producers about it, and I just honestly told them that I didn't get it. Is it supposed to be funny, is it a thriller, what is it?

Terry Zwigoff

#31. James scoffed. "We are not being held prisoner. You're so dramatic."
"Oh yeah, she just kidnapped us and told us the only way we're going to be let go is if we go to other alien planets and steal from them. You're right, James, I'm clearly overly overreacting," Kat snapped.

L. Taylor

#32. He told me to be funny for the Fat Lady, once.

J.D. Salinger

#33. I smiled. Mom laughed, shaking her head. "That's the punchline? Why is that even funny?" "It's the Pythagorean theorem," said Lauren. "It's a math formula for . . . something." "Right triangles," I said, and looked pointedly at Margaret. "I told you I'd already done geometry.

Dan Wells

#34. In the dark, Dave reached for Roger's hand as they watched the shadowed lovemaking. "Were we ever that beautiful?"
"You still are," Roger told him.
"Maybe we should make the most of the hurricane."
"This is definitely foreplay."
"It's like Tumblr, the live version.

S.E. Jakes