Top 100 Science Humor Quotes
#1. Space: the gaping hole between land and other land.
SE Zbasnik
#2. When I look at my bookcase and see the books upon the shelves, I think to myself, There is a God.
Sully Tarnish
#3. It's cloaked in cultural mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is very hard science.
Jonathan Maberry
#4. The President of the Universe holds no real power. His sole purpose is to take attention away from where the power truly exists ...
Douglas Adams
#5. So, in the name of science, I demand that we mess around with guns!
Andrew Hall
#6. Problem Boats
We keep extra boats stuck to these doors for people to use if there's a problem that makes them not want to be in space anymore, but no one will come get them.
Randall Munroe
#8. If we have a very big problem to deal with, it is the problem of realism, because we are weaker than our emotions.
Aihebholo-oria Okonoboh
#10. Some physiologists will have it that the stomach is a mill; others, that it is a fermenting vat; others, again that it is a stew-pan; but in my view of the matter, it is neither a mill, a fermenting vat nor a stew-pan, but a stomach gentlemen, a stomach.
John Hunter
#11. Ninjas are far more important to science than anyone realises. If we could capture one to study, I think most of science's biggest puzzles might be resolved.
Jasper Fforde
#12. I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.
Edgar Rice Burroughs
#13. It would be either a very skilled or very unwise man to steal from an assassin." - Taliesin
Sabrina Zbasnik
#15. You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that's right ... you aren't the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean
Jeff Mariotte
#16. Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other.
Arthur C. Clarke
#17. Laboring through a world every day more stultified, which expected salvation in codes and governments, ever more willing to settle for suburban narratives and diminished payoffs
what were the chances of finding anyone else seeking to transcend that, and not even particularly aware of it?
Thomas Pynchon
#18. Halt! We are attempting an arrest!"
"Yeah, we're aware," Quinn muttered under her breath.
Ash Gray
#19. As a rule of thumb, it was always safer if the Commander-in-Chief formulated a risky plan.
Rowena Cherry
#20. I am dying by inches, from not having any body to talk to about insects ...
Charles Darwin
#21. Newton said, 'If I have seen further than others, it is because I've stood on the shoulders of giants.' These days we stand on each other's feet!
Richard Hamming
#22. Science seeks the right answer, humor the right wrong answer.
Brian Spellman
#23. I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: 'Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.' ... The twenty-five percent is for error.
Linus Pauling
#26. Oh! to shoot for the stars if feels right. Aim for my heart if it feels right.
Maroon 5
#27. People say we are playing God. My answer is: If we don't play God, who will?
James D. Watson
#28. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
#29. We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal-federal cufflink.
George W. Bush
#30. A realist writer might break his protagonist's leg, or kill his fiancee; but a science fiction writer will immolate whole planets, and whilst doing so he will be more concerned with the placement of commas than the screams of the dying.
Adam Roberts
#31. Atoms are round balls of wood invented by Dr. Dalton.
(Answer given by a pupil to a question on atomic theory, as reported by Sir Henry Enfield Roscoe.)
Henry Enfield Roscoe
#32. You're telling me that CERN dug out millions of tons of earth just to smash tiny particles?
Dan Brown
#33. Slowly, Jimmy held up his outstretched hands. Men had been arguing for two hundred years about this gesture; would every creature, everywhere in the universe, interpret this as "See
no weapons"? But no one could think of anything better.
Arthur C. Clarke
#34. Everyone is mentally ill, they just haven't figured out a name for yours yet.
Chris Sprudz
#35. We have to destroy the radioactive brain of Madame Curie.
A. Lee Martinez
#36. Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
#37. Looking for a supernova, therefore, was a little like standing on the observation platform of the Empire State Building with a telescope and searching windows around Manhattan in the hope of finding, let us say, someone lighting a twenty-first birthday cake.
Bill Bryson
#38. To talk of diseases is a sort of Arabian Nights entertainment.
William Osler
#39. People blame science. Shit, man, people shouldn't blame science. People should blame people.
Mira Grant
#40. Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you'll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.
Tom Magliozzi
#42. I don't know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in computer science is measured in nano-Dijkstras.
Alan Kay
#43. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
Clive James
#44. Yeah, but will it hurt?"' I asked.
"This is science, Zach," Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. "Of course it will hurt.
John Zakour
#45. Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action.(p.115)
Malcolm Gladwell
#46. Trees make babies by dropping tiny wooden tree eggs on the ground.
Randall Munroe
#47. So Yoda sounds like our best bet as an energy source. But with world electricity consumption pushing 2 terawatts, it would take a hundred million Yodas to meet our demands. All things considered, switching to Yoda power probably isn't worth the trouble - though it would definitely be green.
Randall Munroe
#48. I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion; I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion wafer.
Marcellin Berthelot
#49. Western doctors are like poor plumbers. They treat a splashing tube by cleaning up the water. These plumbers are extremely apt at drying up the water, constantly inventing new, expensive, and refined methods of drying up water. Somebody should teach them how to close the tap.
Denis Parsons Burkitt
#50. WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! - (.Y.).
Andy Weir
#51. If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.
Peter Debye
#52. If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.
Jasper Fforde
#53. The scientific method is nothing more than a system of rules to keep us from lying to each other.
Ken Norris
#55. My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
Douglas Adams
#56. For someone who'e smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you're a real idiot.
Gordon Korman
#57. Haydn snorts. "Only gullible, lovesick fools spout that mushy crap." Thank the stars that his tone is teasing, because I can sense Logan's patience waning.
"When you find the right girl, I'm so going to make you eat your words. And I'm going to thoroughly enjoy rubbing your nose in it.
Siobhan Davis
#58. Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.
Noel Fielding
#59. For large values of 1, 1 approaches 2, for small values of 2.
Keith Caserta
#60. I've always wondered though," Orn mused aloud, "what does God need with a starship?"
"Are you going to make that stupid quip every time we pass a missionary ship?"
"Until they learn a new position.
Sabrina Zbasnik
#61. But, I tell myself, Weight is just an artifact of gravity. If this were a jazz club on the moon, I would weigh less.
Weike Wang
#62. Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites.
David Quammen
#64. We lay there and looked up at the night sky and she told me about stars called blue squares and red swirls and I told her I'd never heard of them. Of course not, she said, the really important stuff they never tell you. You have to imagine it on your own.
Brian Andreas
#65. Did I see them waving?' said Mrs Liberty
'And particling, I shouldn't wonder' said the Alderman
Terry Pratchett
#66. Many respectable physicists said that they weren't going to stand for this
partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties.
Douglas Adams
#67. [In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.
Stephen Hawking
#68. Black holes are the last vestige of civilizations obsessed with tinkering.
Kane Freeman
#69. Does anyone believe that the difference between the Lebesgue and Riemann integrals can have physical significance, and that whether say, an airplane would or would not fly could depend on this difference? If such were claimed, I should not care to fly in that plane.
Richard Hamming
#70. There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem.
Michael Kurland
#71. Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships.
Yongey Mingyur
#72. This is the Rock, sweetheart," the owner added. "There's no tragedy you can't profit from.
Henry Mosquera
#73. Thin Burning Light Gun
If the car found life, it could try to use this gun to learn about it, but the life might not be alive when it was done.
Randall Munroe
#74. Is it painful?" the groundskeeper asked. "I am asking for science.
John Scalzi
#75. You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
Albert Einstein
#78. What would it be like to think what a gerbil thinks, from a gerbil's point of view? Kind of like Thomas Nigel's 1974 paper, 'What Is It Like to Be a Bat?' There's a subjective character of experience that's never captured in reductive accounts. Know what I mean?'
'Um ... Sure.
Steven James
#79. I tell you it's deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right.
Isaac Asimov
#80. Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy.
Douglas Adams
#81. Good science is done by being curious in general, by asking questions all around, by acknowledging the likelihood of being wrong and taking this in good humor for granted, by having a deep fondness for nature, and by being made jumpy and nervous by ignorance.
Lewis Thomas
#82. Calculus was not math. It was a fucking science experiment gone wrong.
Abbi Glines
#84. You know what, Michael? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship of loathing.
Meinos Kaen
#85. US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.
Mary Roach
#86. Nell Armstrong was a demi-god, he succeded travelling to space, after numerous deaths.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#87. The slang for the rectum is "prison wallet".
Mary Roach
#88. Twango's hospitality, though largely symbolic, does him credit.
Jack Vance
#90. Humor is rare in science fiction ... there's so little of it that it automatically reminds you of other heroes with that acerbic humor when you find it.
John Scalzi
#91. Something but not nothing because nothing is an infinite possibility.
Kyle Kipple
#92. People who do not eat butterflies will wear their clothes the wrong way, and people who wear their clothes the wrong way are inviting lemmings inside." -- Muzhduk the Ugli the Third
Alexander Boldizar
#93. Three weeks hadn't changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.
She was thrilled to be back.
J.D. Robb
#94. Nice dress," Victoria said.
"Thank you," Perpetua said. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
Victoria blinked. "Uh, what?
Benjamin R. Smith
#95. Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.
David Sedaris
#96. The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head.
Henry Mosquera
#97. They're only askin' you to do one thing. From what Rogue says, you ain't exactly reluctant."
"F**k myself into a coma. Sure, I can do that. Then what?"
"Uh, wait an hour?
Michelle O'Leary
#98. You are a placebo responder. Your body plays tricks on your mind. You cannot be trusted.
Ben Goldacre
#99. I recently published a new book. It's a Christian urban fantasy about mad science gone wrong. And then after I'd written that in a blurb I thought to myself - when does mad science ever go right?!
Greg Curtis
#100. Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.
James D. Carswell
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