Quotes For My Mother In Law

#1. I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

Les Dawson

#2. I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

Les Dawson

#3. My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Les Dawson

#4. The best compliment that has ever been given to me was, I was at the airport one day and a guy came in and said, 'Lionel, my wife loves you, the kids love you, my mother-in-law loves you, the family loves you.'

Lionel Richie

#5. My mother-in-law was with me during all four of my births and when she was sitting next to me holding my hand during the cesareans, well, I craved that.

Patricia Heaton

#6. My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

Les Dawson

#7. I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Henny Youngman

#8. My mother-in-law, Nanny, spent her working years as a bookkeeper at a medical office in Columbus, Ohio. Like so many Americans, she worked hard and paid into Medicare, knowing that one day she could count on having high-quality health care when she needed it most.

Ann McLane Kuster

#9. A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.

Karel Capek

#10. My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Phyllis Diller

#11. My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

Les Dawson

#12. They (mothers-in-law) never leave when they say they will. When my mother-in-law visits, the mice throw themselves at the cat, begging to be eaten.

Lisa Kleypas

#13. Is anyone saying same-sex couples can't love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too?

Rick Santorum

#14. I don't think I'd like Manhattan anymore. My mother-in-law lives there, and you go there. But I like looking at it from a distance. It's a fantastic sight - every time, it awes me.

Martin Amis

#15. I cut 'Diamond in My Crown' in my home in Georgia, because I wanted to use an old 1848 pump organ that my mother-in-law had gotten for Emory for Christmas one year. His mother would be proud to know that pump organ was made use of.

Patty Loveless

#16. My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog.

Gary Delaney

#17. On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Milton Berle

#18. I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

Bernard Manning

#19. I have no problem putting my feet up and watching football but my mother-in-law is always doing stuff.

Seal

#20. My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Phyllis Diller

#21. I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Milton Berle

#22. Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Henny Youngman

#23. My mother-in-law is obsessed with clowns.

Seth

#24. I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house.

Emma Beasley

#25. But they're too shy to speak when my mother-in-law doesn't; sometimes they open their mouths to begin, but they never get as far as the first sentence. You must get used to an ocean of silence, and just swim about in it as well as you can.

Edith Wharton

#26. My mother-in-law speaks not a word of English. I speak not a word of Tajiki. So I smile at her ingratiatingly and she fixes me with a beady eye.

Wilbur Smith

#27. I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

Phyllis Diller

#28. I'm creating a self help show called Self Talk. I'll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

Ryan Lilly

#29. My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

Les Dawson

#30. I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Henny Youngman

#31. I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

Milton Berle

#32. My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

Les Dawson

#33. Since lack of room forced my mother-in-law to sleep on the couch in the living room, as soon as my husband would leave for work, she would come into our room every morning and climb into our marital bed, where she continued to sleep snoring loudly.

Susann Bosshard

#34. Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife's metamorphosis to my mother-in-law.

Tim Heaton

#35. When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

Carla H. Krueger

#36. I cook mostly vegetarian vegetable and bean stews. Quinoa salads. I make my mother-in-law's recipe for chicken and barley stew all the time.

Gail Simmons

#37. My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

Lenny Bruce

#38. We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, "I've decided I want to be cremated." I said, "Alright, get your coat."

Dave Spikey

#39. I should, many a good day, have blown my brains out, but for the recollection that it would have given pleasure to my mother-in-law.

George Gordon Byron

#40. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

Les Dawson

#41. Don't get me wrong. I love my mother-in-law. It's her daughter I can't figure out.

Malcolm Gladwell

#42. My mother-in-law's from Norway, and she's always liked old-school remedies.

Lindsey Vonn

#43. I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law. We're both Leos, we understand each other.

Tori Amos

#44. I've booked a few sessions to make it look like a genuine getaway but now I look at my programme, I wonder how to fit in murdering my mother-in-law." Cressida Barker-Powell (Criss Cross)

Caron Allan

#45. I went from resenting my mother-in-law to accepting her, finally to appreciating her. What appeared to be her diffidence when I was first married, I now value as serenity.

Ayelet Waldman

#46. I know my mother-in-law would drive two hours to go see a movie that I'm in.

Melanie Lynskey

#47. I think that what I do, in terms of how I craft my words rhetorically, is fairly simple stuff. I don't mean that to denigrate myself. I mean that in the sense of, when I write, the person that I keep in mind is my mother-in-law.

John Scalzi

#48. I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Joan Rivers

#49. Yet you would not drive a car with your mouth unless you are my mother-in-law.

Jean-Louis Gassee

#50. I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Ken Dodd

#51. It's not that we didn't get along, it's just that my mother-in-law is very objective. She objected to everything I did.

Beverly D'Angelo

#52. The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That's why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law.

Jarod Kintz

#53. My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Phyllis Diller

#54. My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she'd never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for the little miracle God worked in my life.

Jarod Kintz

#55. I find it beautiful when we're in Italy that everybody sits down at the table together. My mother-in-law is like, 'It doesn't matter what's going on in the house, who is fighting, who is upset, who has appointments, you sit down at that table at one o'clock.'

Debi Mazar

#56. She sees me once in a guy's arms and she has us married already. I wonder what Raffe would think of my mom being his mother-in-law.

Susan Ee

#57. This is worse than death. Now i have to spend eternity with my nagging wife and mother-in-law. what did i do to deserve this?

John Corwin

#58. A lot of women have trouble with their mothers-in-law."
Raphael's look was priceless. "My mother is an insane archangel.

Nalini Singh

#59. I'm sitting at the dinner table, wearing my future mother-in-law's underwear. It's like some twisted dream that you wake up and thinkL Crikey Moses! Thank God that didn't really happen!

Sophie Kinsella

#60. He hears his mother and his sister-in-law talk about how lonely it is to be married to a musician, how many nights they spend alone. He wonders if I would be unhappy. I don't say anything. I like to spend my nights alone.

Eula Biss

#61. It is strange that of all the pieces of the Bible which my mother taught me, that which cost me the most to learn, and which was to my childish mind the most repulsive - Psalm 119 - has now become of all the most precious to me in its overflowing and glorious passion of love for the Law of God.

John Ruskin

#62. My mother told me two things constantly. One was to be a lady and the other was to be independent, and the law was something most unusual for those times because for most girls growing up in the '40s, the most important degree was not your B.A. but your M.R.S.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

#63. Anyway, I heard you and your Mother-in-Law kicked ass! Shame his daddy'o wasn't around for the family reunion, although I doubted a battle is the right way to say 'hi,my name's Kiera and I am sexing up your son's man stick.

Stephanie Hudson

#64. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Les Dawson

#65. Maybe I shouldn't mouth off to the elemental I kinda hoped was my
future mother-in-law.

Kiersten White

#66. I think my mother found her mother-in-law entertaining, and in a person who entertains us, there is much we forgive.

Curtis Sittenfeld

#67. My father was a golden boy from a very small town. He won a very prestigious law scholarship to NYU Law School, and there in Greenwich Village, he met my mother, who was very young, fresh off the boat from Germany.

Blake Bailey

#68. Ay, wait," Rojer said. "Don't I get a say in this? All a sudden I'm intended, and have to live with my new mother-in-law?" "What's wrong with my mum?" Kendall demanded. "Nothing," Rojer said. "Corespawned right," Kendall said.

Peter V. Brett

#69. No matter what set she's been on over the last 12 years, my mother always finds a way to get in the way. Not in a bad way. Like, she once got caught on a law show I did called 'Philly' trying to take a picture - she was caught on-camera in the background. She does things like this.

Rick Hoffman

#70. If there's an award for best mother-in-law in the universe, in the future, when my son gets married, I will win that award.

Laura Schlessinger

#71. I'll catch my death"

"If you don't get out of my sight, you won't have to catch death. I'll bring it to you

Stacey Kayne