Humorous Witty Quotes

#1. I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

Dave Beard

#2. Deep down, he's shallow.

Peter De Vries

#3. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.

Ljupka Cvetanova

#4. I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour."
Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

Derek Landy

#5. #3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

Seymour Cray

#6. There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

George Bernard Shaw

#7. The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.

Ernest Rutherford

#8. He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.

Ljupka Cvetanova

#9. And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese

Lucian Bane

#10. To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Charles Stubbs

#11. I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on!

Ljupka Cvetanova

#12. I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.

Frank A. Clark

#13. It ain't whatcha write, it's the way atcha write it.

Ack Kerouac WD

#14. Quote from In Love of Honey, Money....and My Virgin Passport

If you think you've the most wicked sense of humour, try life!

Mita Jain

#15. All for one; one for all.

Thomas-Alexandre Dumas

#16. Vote early and vote often.

Al Capone

#17. Men weigh love with hands.

Ljupka Cvetanova

#18. If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!

Sid Bolon

#19. Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.

Julie Powell

#20. What do you take me for, an idiot?

Charles De Gaulle

#21. Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

Seymour Cray

#22. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Voltaire

#23. I watched you undress. Shame on you!

Ljupka Cvetanova

#24. C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Bjarne Stroustrup

#25. Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

Woody Allen

#26. The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.

Mark Twain

#27. As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

Mita Jain

#28. Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week?

Pawan Mishra

#29. Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Winston Churchill

#30. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Gloria Leonard

#31. How can I lose to such an idiot?

Aron Nimzowitsch

#32. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

Will Rogers

#33. My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Theodore Kaczynski

#34. I may just be on the outskirts of being okay.

Pawan Mishra

#35. I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious.

Don Roff

#36. When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account ...

Hiroko Sakai

#37. You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

Terry Pratchett

#38. I think it would be a good idea.

Mahatma Gandhi

#39. When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing ...

Hiroko Sakai

#40. They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard?
Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea.

Sophie Kinsella

#41. She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!

Ljupka Cvetanova

#42. This book fills a much-needed gap.

Moses Hadas

#43. -"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid.

Lloyd Alexander

#44. yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...

Hiroko Sakai

#45. As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"

Robert Breault

#46. There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

Robert Breault

#47. (About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts.

Terry Pratchett

#48. Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.

Candace C. Bowen