Humor Quotations Quotes

#1. Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

Carroll Bryant

#2. A comedian is better than a politician; at least there is no doubt.

Bangambiki Habyarimana

#3. Did you ever notice how the words Attention and Alienation look the same when you are staring at them from a distance?

Alisia Compton

#4. Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Matshona Dhliwayo

#5. As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

Stewart Lee Beck

#6. For a man to get married and stay married, he must detach from and disavow the three things that bind him to reality: sex, travel, and near-death experiences.

Brian D'Ambrosio

#7. In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

Amunhotep El Bey

#8. If you have pain in your ass, it doesn't mean you have done something wrong, but it's probably because you're wearing your little brother's underwear.

Waheed Ibne Musa

#9. Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

Chuck Palahniuk

#10. What do you want?"
"Spain"
"Fuck!

Christopher Moore

#11. Wow," says Peter, "when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.

Adam Selzer

#12. I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

Stewart Lee Beck

#13. Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he's a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.

Laurie Foxx

#14. Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

Waheed Ibne Musa

#15. Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

Addison C. Arthur

#16. Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

Frank Calvin Mann

#17. Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.

Clare Vanderpool

#18. If you cannot get your act together then at least try to make it entertaining." Becky Johnson

Becky Johnson

#19. Have you hugged your favorite Dork lately? Most of us are squeezably soft and adorable.

Michael P. Clutton

#20. When I was around 19 years old, working in the college library, I was talking to a friend of mine and this older woman interrupted and said "You're too young to know about Billie Holiday." My response was "I'm too young to know about Shakespeare, too ... should I not read him?

Wanda Lea Brayton

#21. A man can smile and smile yet still be a villain,' I quoted. (Or misquoted. It was probably Shakespeare, most quotations seem to be.)

Trisha Ashley

#22. I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of ... here.

C. JoyBell C.

#23. My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

Stewart Lee Beck

#24. If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.

Michael P. Clutton

#25. Every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).

G.M. Malliet

#26. Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Ambrose Bierce

#27. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

Peter De Vries

#28. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away.

S. Walden

#29. Deep down, he's shallow.

Peter De Vries

#30. Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,

Steven Pinker

#31. Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

Terry Pratchett

#32. If you can't make ends meet, meet them in the middle instead

Benny Bellamacina

#33. His Grace called Virginius in and said: "Do you think a priest of the Anglican Communion should be a divorced man with two wives living?" That's the way he talks. And do you know what Virginius said? He said: "Your Grace, if it weren't for divorce, there wouldn't be an Anglican Communion.

Florence King

#34. Joker: I don't mind you saying that, Johnny. Sometimes, I need to hear the obvious... now is not one of those times, though.

Brian Azzarello

#35. Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.

Salman Aditya

#36. Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

Jim Moorman

#37. If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..

Melissa Mercer

#38. Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity ... I'm close enough to walk!

Tanya Masse

#39. Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

Matthew D. Heines

#40. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.

Alan Kinross

#41. I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.

Carroll Bryant

#42. His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Jen Naumann

#43. Never make an important decision with your pants down.

Katie Thayne

#44. Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

Stewart Lee Beck

#45. My manager, who is a very timid person, often tells me that I should think before I speak. I tell her that she should actually have the guts to speak up about the things she thinks.

Miley Cyrus

#46. Quotations "Oh man, I hate that poofing shit. You scared me so bad, Ash, you made me eat this crappy cheese." (Nick in Night Embrace).

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#47. Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

Jacob M. Appel

#48. Weakness is weaker when discovered by others.

Mita Jain

#49. The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

Mark Jackman

#50. Why fall? Let's rise in love together; and while we're at it, let's come up with lamer quotations.

Ahmed Mostafa

#51. Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of his little baseball babies! Cassie!!!

J. Sterling

#52. We are not in a foul humor, Belkin. We are in a corrupt-tempered moon. There is a difference, you know.

Rachel Heffington