Hospital Humor Quotes

#1. Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Anthony Jeselnik

#2. The only society that works today is also one founded on mutual respect, on a recognition that we have a responsibility collectively and individually, to help each other on the basis of each other's equal worth. A selfish society is a contradiction in terms.

Tony Blair

#3. As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

Bill Engvall

#4. God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful ...

Ernest Hemingway,

#5. A journey of 1,000 miles starts with just 10 digits.

Gayle Forman

#6. What mental hospital have you escaped from?" She wanted to laugh, but he looked so serious. "Prove you're an alien. Rip off your disguise. Show me your antennae. Where's your union card?

Cheryl Sterling

#7. Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Jenny Lawson

#8. I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Demetri Martin

#9. If he'll let me. But he left the hospital without talking to me. I don't know what that means."Screw that. "Yes, of course I'll see him again. Isaiah and I are friends and he's going to realize that evenif I have to take a two-by-four to him.

Katie McGarry

#10. How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?
The patients get better and leave.

Lisa Scottoline

#11. It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

Roseanne Barr

#12. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Tommy Cooper

#13. It wasn't enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.

Wes Locher

#14. The wonderful drama teacher at my high school, Barbara Patterson, saw me standing in the hall and told me I should audition for 'West Side Story.' I guess she thought I looked like a gang member.

Gary Sinise

#15. At least you died and went to heaven

Nicole Williams

#16. There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.

Shannon L. Alder

#17. What have you done to your hair?" Mom's broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospital
room.
"Holy shit!" Icka patted her head as if searching. "You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

Phoebe Kitanidis

#18. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

#19. I sometimes want to make a book of every tattoo I wanted to get before I actually got a tattoo, because there were so many awful ideas and concepts.

Lena Dunham

#20. The cosmos doesn't measure sweat and hours for reward. The cosmos deals in the currencies of joy and satisfaction.

Danielle LaPorte

#21. The burn unit is often the most distant wing of a hospital, because burn victims are so susceptible to infection that they must be kept away from other patients. More important, perhaps, is that the placement minimizes the chance of visitors stumbling across a Kentucky Fried Human.

Andrew Davidson

#22. He had a curiously stunted sense of humor and loved practical jokes that veered dangerously close to cruelty. Once on a hot day he filled a friend's water jug with kerosene and mirthfully stood by as the friend took a mighty swig. The friend ended up in the hospital.

Bill Bryson

#23. My daughter breaks both her wrists jumping off of a swing. Her friend, who is five, told her to jump off of it. I promise nothing will happen, she said. But why did she promise that? she wails later at the hospital.

Jenny Offill

#24. Thank you for your enthusiasm. Earlier today I told another student I was getting new encyclopedias - he asked me how long I'd be in the hospital!

Chris Colfer

#25. Looking at Milkman in those nighttime talks, they yearned for something. Some word from him that would rekindle the dream and stop the death they were dying.

Toni Morrison

#26. I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels."
"Oh, they do that!" Amy laughs. "Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though, is to start with one you're not that bothered about."
What is the point in that?

Teri Terry

#27. Life is supposed to be messy. Being human means you will get our heart broken and your fingernails dirty.

Kaitlyn Jane Mauro

#28. I could never hold a job for more than three months, which works out well because that's how long a movie shoots.

Dennis Quaid

#29. No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full of every drug that they can legally give me!
I was so shocked, my only repsonse was,
'Well, he was conceived backstage at a concert, so it's sort of fitting for him to be born at one.

S.C. Stephens

#30. No one around me was doing anything, even making conversation. They were all just perfectly inert, laid out prone or supine as if submitting to autopsy or dissection. Only the dead or the lowest of species can bask, I'm convinced.

Joshua Cohen

#31. No quality imparts apparent strength to its possessors more effectively than faith. From hospital beds to battlefields, it is the iron that strengthens a man to confront his destiny.

Mike Corbett

#32. They toured the new hospital, the renovated and expanded McVeigh Home, and the (named without apparent irony) Bay View Home for the Blind and Helpless.

Alan Brennert

#33. I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.

Brian Regan

#34. He died a modern death, in hospital, ... after medical science had prolonged his life to a point where the terms on which it was being offered were unimpressive.

Julian Barnes

#35. At the end of the second week they were still working and Arretapec, Conway and their patient were being talked, whistled, cheeped and grunted about in every language in use at the hospital.

James White

#36. I was glad I wasn't pretty anymore. It was so much easier to do things like this without being pretty.

Sara Gran

#37. I swallowed him down like liquid decadence and begged for more.

Shawna Grace

#38. A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Frank Carson

#39. Having an affair with your good friend's wife while he's in an institution and your wife is in a hospital ranks somewhere between Benedict Arnold and the guy who invented Girls Gone Wild on the spectrum of Total Dickheads in American History.

Daniel O'Brien

#40. As Dave was ruffling my hair and Greg was slapping me five we heard the sound of sneakers skidding to a halt on the slick hospital floor. I looked up in time to see a three-J pile up.
"What the hell is this?" Jesse asked.
"Back the freak up off our woman," Josh ordered.

Kelly Oram

#41. When I suddenly realised that coincidence is a word we use whe we are ignorant of the real causes

Albert Salvado

#42. Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit.

Earl Mac Rauch