Funny Other Half Quotes

#1. Teaching is a funny business; you want to share these glimpses of something real and profound, but half the time students want only to know their next assignment and what they will need to study for the test.

Azar Nafisi

#2. I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches.

Brendan Grace

#3. I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

Mitch Hedberg

#4. You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Tim Vine

#5. All terrific but the people. THE PEOPLE. Everyone looks so exalted, or so wretched, or so spiffy, so funny, so splendid. If you are ever bored or blue, stand on the street corner for half an hour.

Maira Kalman

#6. We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!

Jerry Coleman

#7. He returned my smile with a half grin. So what do you blog about? Knitting? Puzzles? Being lonely?

Jennifer L. Armentrout

#8. It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way.

Murray Walker

#9. He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might be said to be in his way, for he went in at one door and came out at the other[.]

Charles Dickens

#10. It's not all about love. That's half of it ... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

Marc Maron

#11. A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

Mitch Hedberg

#12. People think it's funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It's very private. I don't see my dreams as separate. I mean, half the time I'm wandering around dreaming anyway.

Robert Smith

#13. Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.

Florenz Ziegfeld

#14. I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

Mitch Hedberg

#15. I, a half naked German, was about to be discovered by her cruel Viking dad in his own bedroom, having smudged his daughter just hours ago. Full of gratitude I contemplated that I would at least not die a virgin.

John Duover

#16. He sniggered.
He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now.

Douglas Adams

#17. Half of my life, I've had people staring at me because they think I'm funny-looking and ugly. The other half of my life, I've had people staring at me because they think I'm fascinating. Everything neutralises. It's more of a statement on society and how weird it is.

FKA Twigs

#18. Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

H.L. Mencken

#19. I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.

Sarah Silverman

#20. Your eyes surprise me every time I look into them and they're looking back at me. Your mouth surprises me, because you always seem to smile more with one half that with the other, like part of you knows a funny secret that none of the rest of us, not even your other half, can guess.

Jennifer Lynn Barnes

#21. Was already different because I was a twin. Funny how you can say that: I am a twin. Not I am one of twins, but I actually am A Twin. Like there's two of me all the time, this other one right here beside me whether you can see him or not. Or as if you're saying, I'm a Half.

Niall Williams

#22. I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

Bauvard

#23. If you were half as funny as you thought you were, my boy, you'd be twice as funny as you are.

Cassandra Clare

#24. You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me.
"I used your toothbrush."
His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?

E.L. James

#25. I've purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping.

Christy Leigh Stewart

#26. What I find relatively funny is that I'm not a model. I'm five foot six and a half; I have absolutely no dream or desire to be a model, I don't live for fashion. But when an opportunity comes your way very early in your career, like Burberry, you do it.

Sophie Kennedy Clark

#27. Coloron often pondered how a race, in which the stupid seemed more inclined to breed, had managed to come this far, and why human intelligence persisted - a discussion point in the nature vs nurture debate which had not died in half a millennium.

Neal Asher

#28. On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set," "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now," and "Half the people you know are below average." Typical for the Eastern student body.

Neil S. Plakcy

#29. There was talk of the Centaur being moved into the elephant cages to make room for a banjo-picking Minotaur. Surrendering his meager furnishings to a musical half man half bull was all bull.

Don Roff

#30. Yeah, it's funny, working on a show with as large a cast as we have here, your work gets sort of compartmentalized. There's still about half the cast that I've never had a scene with but I have missed working with Terry.

Michael Emerson

#31. I had to face the fact that I had been using my gay friends as props. They were always supposed to be funny and entertain me and praise me and listen to my problems, and their life was supposed to be a secret that no one wanted to hear about. I wanted them to stay in the half closet.

Tina Fey

#32. We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn't have enough time to have sex with me.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#33. If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Will Rogers

#34. Every once in a while you definitely have to film someone for half an hour saying something that you do not think is funny because for the previous two hours they said a bunch of stuff that you think is really funny.

Seth Rogen

#35. The Islam of the 18th, 19th and first half of the 20th century was a poor thing. Nobody bothered about it. Islam was that funny sort of pure system of beliefs that depressed people in the Middle East held as their religion.

John Keegan

#36. Course you can't fucking see, buddy, it's darker than a nun's virgin anus down here.

Charlie Huston

#37. She ought to call him Benjamin, but it was too intimate, too soft.
"My lord?" she ventured, only half serious.
"Good, God, no."
She bit back a smile. "Husband?" she took a sip of wine.
He grunted. "Are we to become Quakers?

Kristen Callihan

#38. Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to him."

It felt like something sat heavy on my chest. "Oh.Oh.No."

Seth frowned at me. "You don't have to sound so disgusted.

Jenny Trout

#39. Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!

Red Buttons

#40. I thought it was really funny that half the people I autographed things for said, 'Autograph the back of my phone.' I was like, 'What? Really? Seriously?' They didn't have anything else.

Willow Shields

#41. Some lucky people can be funny without half trying because they actually look funny, because acting funny is in their bones - fun as funny, not funny as crude slapstick.

F. Sionil Jose

#42. I don't like half the folks I love.

Paul Thorn

#43. The bottom half of the page had descended into a doodle of a tiny man giving the middle finger to a giant, angry eagle with razor-sharp talons. Beneath it, the caption: To Mock a Killing Bird.

Seth Grahame-Smith

#44. A horse blanket, Mel?
I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right for me.'
Bran laughed a little unsteadly. 'Mel. A horse blanket.

Sherwood Smith