Red Buttons Quotes

#1. King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!

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#2. Moses, who said to the Israelites, Stop calling me Charlton! Never got a dinner!

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#3. Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!

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#4. Pope John Paul II's press secretary, who said, See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back! Never got a dinner!

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#5. Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!

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#6. Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

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#7. The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!

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#8. Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs - you got more broads? Never got a dinner!

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#9. John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!

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#10. Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!

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#11. Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!

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#12. Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!

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#13. William Tell's son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There's gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner!

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#14. King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!

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#15. Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we're white. Never got a dinner!

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#16. Noah's wife, who said to Noah, Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits. Never got a dinner!

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#17. Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!

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#18. Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact. Never got a dinner!

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#19. Michelangelo's girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint - let's put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!

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#20. Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, Guess who's not coming to dinner? Never got a dinner!

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#21. Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.

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#22. Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!

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#23. Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!

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#24. There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

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#25. Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!

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#26. When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

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#27. Dean Martin's pancreas, who overheard his liver singing I got a right to sing the blues. Never got a dinner!

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#28. The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!

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#29. Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

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#30. Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!

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#31. Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, If the shoe fits ... Never got a dinner!

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#32. Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!

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#33. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

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#34. Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!

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#35. Dr. Spock, who said, Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Never got a dinner!

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#36. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner!

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#37. Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner!

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#38. Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, Are you sure all we did was kiss? Never got a dinner!

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#39. Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!

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#40. Rip Van Winkle, who said, Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom. Never got a dinner!

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#41. Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!

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#42. Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.

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#43. The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can't work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner!

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#44. Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.

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#45. Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!

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#46. I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

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#47. Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille. Never got a dinner!

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#48. Joseph Cotten, who said, You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me. Never got a dinner!

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#49. Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!

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#50. John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner!

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#51. Dean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner!

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#52. Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?

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#53. Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!

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#54. Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!

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#55. Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!

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#56. George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!

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#57. Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!

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#58. Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!

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#59. Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!

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#60. Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!

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#61. Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!

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#62. The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner!

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#63. Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat! Never got a dinner!

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#64. Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank? Never got a dinner!

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#65. Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

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#66. Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!

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#67. Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!

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#68. Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!

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#69. If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!

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#70. Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!

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#71. George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!

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#72. George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.

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#73. Steven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner!

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#74. Stan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!

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#75. Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, I owe it all to one great part. Never got a dinner!

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#76. Julius Caesar's wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!

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#77. Eve said to the serpent, 'You know I could go for a bit to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.'

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#78. Gandhi, who went to Wendy's and asked, Where's the belief? Never got a dinner!

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#79. Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, Stop needling me. Never got a dinner!

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#80. Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, Why do you need an airbag? Never got a dinner!

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#81. Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show? Never got a dinner!

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#82. Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, Stop shaking! Never got a dinner!

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#83. I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.

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#84. E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!

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#85. Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!

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#86. Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!

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#87. Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!

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#88. Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!

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#89. Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You're a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner!

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