Top 83 Funny King Sayings
#1. Sire," Oliver said as he helped Petunia to her feet, "I'd like to marry Petunia.
"Of course you would," retorted the King Gregor. "But not right now! we just got those two taken care of." He pointed to the twins who were still trying to play Christian's odd game. "And weddings are expensive!
Jessica Day George
#2. Byron clapped Walter on the back. 'Good work,' he said.
Walter shook his head. 'You're the one who clocked her with the Stephen King hardcover. That took some of the wind out of her.'
'Thank heavens he's a wordy man,' said Byron.
Michael Thomas Ford
#3. Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn't go to Troy for the baklava.
Mark Leiren-Young
#4. Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.
Rick Riordan
#5. And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?
Michael Buckley
#6. jenna had felt sexy-funny, like lucille ball with flour streaks on her face, a crumb-covered apron that didn't exactly flatter her, and yet nick had kissed her like a prom king falling for the reinvented girl in a movie.
Emily Franklin
#7. The phone beeped - M fine but these two guys R on me like cougars on Adam Lambert.
Elisabeth Staab
#8. It's crazy. Since there have been men and women, there have been funny women ... f**king idiot-ass men keep saying that women aren't funny. It makes me crazy. I find it disgusting and offensive every time.
Andy Samberg
#9. It's funny that until I actually met my husband, I never thought I'd get married.
Regina King
#10. Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
Alan King
#11. Do you really think cards can tell us future??
No matter how you spread the cards but queen is always king ones..!!
Nikhil
#12. What your mind sees when you close your eyes marks the entrance to an endless universe: your imagination.
Stephen Helmes
#13. It's like the old pie-in-the-face routine: it stops being funny when it starts being you.
Stephen King
#14. She felt one thousand years old. She also felt like maybe she was a condescending brat. She wanted her bike. She wanted her friends, who were also one-thousand-year-old condescending brats. She wanted to live in a world where she was surrounded by one-thousand-year-old condescending brats.
Maggie Stiefvater
#15. Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.
Stephen King
#16. PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!
Stephen King
#17. God turned out to be a bunch of bad little kids playing interstellar Xbox. Isn't that funny?
Stephen King
#18. Shut up. You have to know you're a bombshell. Sure, maybe travel-sized, but beautiful nonetheless. You're proportioned just right. Trust me. Girl are jealous of your knockers and ass.
Tiffany King
#19. Isn't it funny how we live inside the lies we believe?
A.S. King
#20. Thou mayest choose an helpmeet," said the King to me.
An helpmeet? What the great googly-moogly was that?
Michael Darling
#21. A room - full of detached feet - like hundreds of them. Maybe thousands! And I saw the king in there. He was having an orgy with them. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen. Like a bunch of insects crawling all over his naked body. Except they weren't insects.
Colleen Chen
#22. Lokeij whistled. "Make the king's warriors vanish if
they come ... what a deceitful turtledove you are."
Aly smiled at the sky. "Oh, don't,"she replied in the
tones of a flirtatious court lady. "Stop, I insist. Your
flattery makes me blush.
Tamora Pierce
#23. The goblins have been after me ever since I helped the Coven drive them out of Essex. (They were gobbling up drunk people in club bathrooms, and the Mage was worried about losing regional slang.) I think the goblin who successfully offs me gets to be king.
Rainbow Rowell
#24. I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks.
Molly Harper
#25. At moments like this he suspected that Hitler had been nothing but a harried bureaucrat and Satan himself a mental defective with a rudimentary sense of humor - the kind that finds feeding firecrackers wrapped in bread to seagulls unutterably funny.
Stephen King
#27. The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
Henny Youngman
#28. After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points - I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points.
Stacey King
#29. Nevertheless, he was already a sick man. He had gotten more than gas at Bill Hapscomb's Texaco. And he gave Harry Trent more than a speeding summons.
Stephen King
#30. Rachel would call the vet this morning, they would get Church fixed, and that would put this whole nonsense of Pet Semataries(it was funny how that misspelling got into your head and began to seem right) and death fears behind them.
Stephen King
#31. She's around here somewhere. Check your pockets. She could be there. Sometimes she falls into these cracks between the floorboards.
Maggie Stiefvater
#32. For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.
Ray Romano
#33. To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king.
Susan Mallery
#35. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.
George Carlin
#36. I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.
Stephen King
#37. A lot of brainless unicorns swaggering about and calling themselves educated just because they can push each other off a horse with a bit of a stick! It makes me tired.
T.H. White
#38. Though I normally approve of plain speaking, as you know, I would suggest that as part of your good behavior, you refer to the king as 'his grace' or even simply 'the king' instead of 'that creature,' by the way.
Susan Higginbotham
#39. You laugh because what's fearful and unknown is also what's funny, you laugh the way a small child will sometimes laugh and cry at the same time when a capering circus clown approaches, knowing it is supposed to be funny... but it is also unknown, full of the unknown's eternal power.
Stephen King
#40. Oh baby", Madoc groaned to the girl next to him. "Snickers ain't the only thing king sized.
Penelope Douglas
#41. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.
Stephen King
#42. Shit. The mind gets up to funny tricks, doesn't it? Shadows grow faces.
Stephen King
#43. But the funny thing is, I broke my finger not on set doing kung fu. I broke my finger when I fell down the stairs prior to going on set.
Jaime King
#44. Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen ... Treat me like a queen and off with your head
Josh Stern
#45. Very funny, and he laughed hard. Am I really stinko? On just three sips? He didn't think so, but he was definitely high. No more. Enough was enough. "Drink responsibly," he told the empty restaurant, and laughed. He'd hang out here for
Stephen King
#46. If you drop your Kindle in the toilet, you're done.
Stephen King
#47. You worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.
Terry Pratchett
#48. I used to laugh at that old wheeze about a man wanting his son to be better than he was, but as I get older it seems less funny and more true.
Stephen King
#49. I think I write funny songs that make people kind of, like, stop what they're doing and be like, 'What did you say?' And then it makes them laugh a little bit.
Elle King
#50. August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f**king in a sock.
Ichiro Suzuki
#51. Laughter, Susannah would later reflect, is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are funny but because your own condition is funny.
Stephen King
#52. So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king."
There was silence. Then, "Of course you did.
T.J. Klune
#53. As W.H. Auden pointed out, the Reaper takes the rolling in money, the screamingly funny, and those who are very well hung. But that isn't where Auden starts his list. He starts with the innocent young.
Stephen King
#54. What we've got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Stephen King
#55. You're very short, aren't you?" She smirked at Petunia. "And you've got a nose like a stoat," Petunia replied. "But at least I can always have my gowns altered.
Jessica Day George
#56. Gansey's phone buzzed.
"Gansey, man, is this diseased tree cutting into your digital time?" Ronan asked.
The fact was the digital time was cutting into his diseased tree time.
Maggie Stiefvater
#57. I started off thinking Eminem was a flash in the pan, a kind of hip-hop Hanson brother. How wrong I was. Recovery is sometimes funny, sometimes terrible, always painfully honest. The matching of Eminem and Rihanna on "Love the Way You Lie" is pure genius. "Not Afraid" is pretty great too.
Stephen King
#58. Norway ... looked to Roosevelt as funny a kingdom as was ever imagined outside of opera bouffe ... It is much as if Vermont should offhand try the experiment of having a king.
Edmund Morris
#59. Eventual, as Pug used to say. When he wanted to say something was really good, he's never say it was awesome, like most people do; he'd say it was eventual. How funny is that? The old Pugmeister. I wonder how he's doing.
Stephen King
#60. You're a goddam funny kid, Clivey," he said. "I got sixteen grandchildren, and there's only two of em that I think is gonna amount to duckshit, and you ain't one of em - although you're on the runner-up list - but you're the only one that can make me laugh until my balls ache.
Stephen King
#61. Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
Alan King
#62. It's funny how all the fussing and fighting turns into us f-king and flying.
Wiz Khalifa
#63. Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious with his own sandwich board.
Stephen King
#64. You can call me Pastor-and before Mr. Sox Fan gets his panties in a wad, I want everyone to know I'm legit. I went online, took a minister's course in under an hour, and I'm ordained, baby.
J.R. Ward
#65. Andy and Terry went into the kitchen to serve out the Neapolitan (which we called van-choc-straw . . . funny how it all
Stephen King
#66. The face of the clown in the stormdrain was white, there were funny tufts of red hair on either side of his bald head, and there was a big clown-smile painted over his mouth. If George had been inhabiting a later year, he would have surely thought of Ronald McDonald before Bozo or Clarabell.
Stephen King
#67. I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
Stephen King
#68. If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
Alan King
#69. It's funny how close the past is, sometimes. Sometimes it seems as if you could almost reach out and touch it. Only who really wants to?
Stephen King
#71. It was the last town in what was then a civilized country. Once Tim asked his father what civilized meant. "Taxes," Big Ross said, and laughed - but not in a funny way.
Stephen King
#72. When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
Adam Carolla
#73. A dimwit thinks nothing is funny unless it's mean.
Stephen King
#74. People wince when something is in bad taste. They laugh when it's funny. If it's too dirty or wrong, they won't laugh. But if it's a big, dirty, smart, funny laugh, they love it.
Michael Patrick King
#76. I think I would say 'The King's Speech' is surprisingly funny, in fact the audiences in London, Toronto, LA, New York commented there's more laughter in this film than in most comedies, while it is also a moving tear-jerker with an uplifting ending.
Tom Hooper
#77. It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
Johnny Carson
#78. It was funny - this man, or whatever he was, spoke with the naivety of child and the authority of a king. He was kind of sweet but a total a-hole at the same time. It was a strange combination.
Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
#79. People sometimes think I'm gay because I once played a gay in a movie. It's funny. Audiences don't think you're a murderer if you play a murderer, but they do think you're gay if you play a gay.
Perry King
#80. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.
Adelle Davis
#81. SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy.
Seinfeld 2000
#82. Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing.
Elle King
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