Top 100 Funny Keep It Real Quotes
#1. Naked people look funny when they are for-real naked, outside-a-magazine naked.
Donald Miller
#2. Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"
Anthony Griffin
#3. It's funny, when I lived in Ohio, I would read about extraordinary, eccentric characters in books and plays, but I couldn't imagine them in real life. Then I came to New York.
Fiona Davis
#4. I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people's nightmares.
Bauvard
#5. Kansas is a piece of real estate that completely disproves the theory of roundness as a quality of the planet earth.
W. Bruce Cameron
#6. Unfortunately for novelists, real life is getting way too funny and far-fetched.
Carl Hiaasen
#7. It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.
Jerry Coleman
#8. Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us.
Louis Sachar
#9. I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real.
Barry Watson
#10. I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori
"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?
Kerrelyn Sparks
#11. No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx
#12. Not intending to be funny: I sit at the keyboard, put my fingers on the keys and go. To me, it's the real secret of writing. Put yourself in front of the screen or the blank sheet of paper and get to work.
Robin Hobb
#13. I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world ...
Whitney Gracia Williams
#14. I hear that I'm funny, and I think I'm funny, but I go in all the time for multicam, and they say that I'm not big enough, or I'm too big. I'm so confused. Okay, well, I'm funny in real life.
Kirby Bliss Blanton
#15. Dreams are funny things"..."Things seem so real when they are happening, only to fade instantly when the brain realizes they are mere images, shadows of the truth, but not part of it.
Christine Fonseca
#16. At the end to death I must go,
Finishing a real tragic and funny show.
Mohit K. Misra
#17. So now live for real, Craig. Live. Live. Live. Live.
Ned Vizzini
#18. I made the choice long ago to write about real life. And life is both serious and funny.
Paula Danziger
#19. Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you're shooting them, and you just have to roll with it 'cause that's what makes it funny. It's not being stuck in your character and how you're gonna do something, but to react to other people and to really have a real-life conversation.
Yara Shahidi
#20. Maybe I shouldn't scare off my date so quickly by shooting guns and telling stories about vomit, but, hey, the sooner he knows the real me, the better.
Vicki Lesage
#21. You Too? I thought I was the only one.
C.S. Lewis
#22. I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch Hedberg
#23. The trouble with improv is that it is often about being funny in the moment without any real consideration for the bigger picture.
Simon Pegg
#24. It's funny. You love something and one day it's suddenly gone or changed or lost forever. But somehow that doesn't stop your loving. Maybe that's how you know it's the real thing.
Tony Parsons
#25. It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows.
Ben Stiller
#26. You had lots of visitors, but they were all quiet."
"Oh real funny. Tease the blind man."
~Trella to Logan, pg. 114-115
Maria V. Snyder
#27. The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)
Dave Barry
#28. Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ...
Roberto Hogue
#29. Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.
Paul Reiser
#30. Our whole lives, it was like we were always trying so hard to be perfect - for our families and our friends, for each other - when the funny thing was, we didn't have to. In the end, we were better than that.
Brenna Yovanoff
#31. My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.
Zach Galifianakis
#32. The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"
Jerry Seinfeld
#33. Subtle, funny and touching, with a striking downbeat authenticity. Director Craig Zobel is the real thing.
A.O. Scott
#34. I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting ... " I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing
David Hasselhoff
#35. Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed.
Marcello Mastroianni
#36. Hrithik is the go-to guy for queries related to diet. He is great with expressions and is funny in real life. I wonder why someone hasn't cast him in a comic role yet.
Farhan Akhtar
#37. Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports ... all the others are games.
Ernest Hemingway,
#38. Kevin Hart. He's the man! I like his style. He's short, so I can relate. All the stories he tells are real. I respect that, and he's just a really funny dude - great comedy instincts. To do stand-up on a stage for an hour and tell stories and make people laugh is incredible.
Cameron Boyce
#39. I think you should know that real-life white people are not all as funny as the ones on 'Seinfeld'.
Aaron McGruder
#40. This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.
Richelle Mead
#41. On 'Workaholics,' I feel like I'm just hanging out with my buddies being filmed, but on 'Mindy,' I'm around professional funny people who act. Guys like Chris Messina, who are the real deal. I watch what they do and put my own spin on it.
Anders Holm
#42. It's funny because you always think a real friendship can weather any storm, but human relationships can be as flimsy as paper boats in a tsunami."
~ page 97
Steven Parlato
#43. It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically, but at the same time it's real funny.
Seth Green
#44. How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens.
Cora Carmack
#45. Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist.
Laurie Notaro
#46. Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - Timmy
He's English! And Mom ... Mom hates foreigners!
- Cat
Jeaniene Frost
#47. That was magic for you, right? The thing about magic, the real kind: it didn't make excuses, and it was never funny.
Lev Grossman
#48. Funny, that we always told stories with wolves and beasts and demons as villains, but in real life it seemed the humans were always the worst enemies. You could be your own villain.
Liesl Shurtliff
#49. In real life, couples bond and war over a million different things. The causes of divorce are like beautiful, unique snowflakes.
Howard Mittelmark
#50. It's funny how the colours of the like real world only seem real real when you viddy them on a screen
Anthony Burgess
#51. Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan's library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn't finished coloring either one of them.
Gore Vidal
#52. When somebody is doing something really funny, in real life and as a performer, my instinct is to join them.
Jake M. Johnson
#53. It's funny how, when you really want to say something bitchy and cutting to someone who's been bitchy to you, you can't think of anything till afterwards. When there's no real call for it, you come suddenly out with a piece of 9-carat bitchery that shakes even you.
Lynne Reid Banks
#54. There is this idea in comedy that you don't want to look like you care about your appearance because that takes away from what's real, what's important. And the real stuff is what's funny.
Steve Howey
#55. It's funny - when you look at the real A-listers nowadays, look at how many live in and around Hollywood. Most of them live on a ranch in Utah. It's no coincidence these guys get in and get out.
Darren Boyd
#56. What makes American Elf so good is that it's incredibly personal and it runs the full spectrum from super-sickening sweetness to gut-wrenching terror and sorrow. It's a funny and powerful window into a real person's mind.
Tony Millionaire
#57. It seems like everybody's perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance.
Jeremy Lin
#58. I don't do comedy. I think if a situation is funny you just play it for real and if it's funny, it's funny.
Morgan Freeman
#59. If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
Mitch Hedberg
#60. It's funny, when things go on the internet now and people say 'that's not real,' well, that's what painting's always done - it's taken things from the world and said, Look how much more real this is now.
Margaux Williamson
#61. Jenna, standing in the doorway with her mouth and hand full of shelled pistachios, says, 'Real' is a dirty word in this place'.
Lauren DeStefano
#62. In the back of my mind, I'm composing a tweet to make this funny somehow. Hashtag #awkwardparentmoments. It would probably trend on Twitter. I want to laugh at this to make the whole situation less real.
Janet Gurtler
#63. Sarah often thought it funny how she would think of the characters as if they were real people who had really lived, occupying this very world with the same strength of mind and passion as their creator.
Victoria Connelly
#64. I think it's important to find humor anywhere you can. In real life, with the darkest, scariest, most intense moments, if you can find something funny, that's good.
Katie Lowes
#65. What I know for sure is that if you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal. I know ours is.
Oprah Winfrey
#66. Sonya's a real person, like your Mother. Thirty years ago, that was your Mother's biggest flaw in my eyes, and now that's the thing I love most about Sonya. It's funny how things end, isn't it?
Matthew Norman
#67. I think you can get away with so much more offensiveness when you're operating behind a stuffed teddy bear or a cartoon or something that's not real, because it's forgiven. It's like having a little kid in a movie curse - it's funny because it's not natural.
Mila Kunis
#68. Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it.
Brandon Sanderson
#69. The leading lady had a large and saving sense of humor. But there is nothing that blunts the sense of humor more quickly than a few months of one-night stands. Even O. Henry could have seen nothing funny about that room.
Edna Ferber
#70. Time will mellow it, make it a moment for laughter. But now it was not funny, now I did not laugh. It was not the future, it was the present. It was too vivid and too real.
Daphne Du Maurier
#71. It's a funny thing about Hollywood. Once you've been out here awhile, it's hard to go someplace else, and it gets harder the longer you stay here. Takes some real propulsion to make you leave.
Pamela Moore
#72. Chase had looked at the apartment - online - talked to the real estate agent - online - obtained references - online.
Now, standing in the hallway, it was obvious he'd gotten fucked - online.
Adrienne Wilder
#73. It's funny in the U.K., where I'm not really known because I never did a soap. My English cousins in the Lake District think I'm not a real actor because they've never seen me in 'Home and Away' or 'Neighbours.'
Jacki Weaver
#74. The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.
The Covert Comic
#76. I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
Jeff Foxworthy
#77. With comedy, don't try to be funny. That's really helped me. Just say the lines as you would say them, interact with other characters, and try to make it as real as possible. It will come out funny.
Ariel Winter
#78. In a funny way, acting, to me, is all make-believe, even if the film has unicorns in it or is a normal movie that can be set in real-life time. I'm still imagining that I'm a different character, so it's all, in a funny way, like fantasy.
Elle Fanning
#79. It's funny. When I saw the script in my inbox and it said 'Sparkle,' I thought, 'For real? It's really called 'Sparkle?' I was wondering, too, how does 'Jordin Sparks as Sparkle' sound?
Jordin Sparks
#80. I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.
Zach Galifianakis
#81. Memories are funny things. Sometimes they're real, but other times they change into what we want them to be,
Nicholas Sparks
#82. I'd love to do a really juicy drama that's just really real. On the comedy side, I'd love to do something like '21 Jump Street.' I cannot stop watching that movie. Really funny, really extreme comedies are definitely my favorite.
Daniela Bobadilla
#83. Funny how often something she'd been so certain she needed turned out not to be a need at all, but a want
when the real 'need' was something else entirely. Something that could only be gained by giving, not by getting.
Tamera Alexander
#84. I don't really think differently of making a movie for grownups or making a movie for kids, if it's boring it's boring, so you want it to be entertaining and I think funny is funny whether it's for kids or grownups, the only real difference is language.
Jack Black
#85. That's something - you laugh about Eminem ... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know. It seemed like a big joke. But I think the guy's for real, and I like his lyrics!
Alan Vega
#86. It's funny; it's a real balancing act. In TV, everybody's talking about authenticity. In order to make 'Dirty Jobs' authentic, I really can't be overly informed. The minute I am, I become a host ... It's a very tricky business paying a tribute to work, because TV is very bad at it.
Mike Rowe
#87. It's funny when people ask if I'm a lesbian. I played a real estate agent in 'Father of the Bride, Part II,' but no one has asked me if I sell real estate.
Nora Dunn
#88. He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec." Back into the phone he said, "He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!" he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head.
Robyn Carr
#89. It's not surprising that you wouldn't see that side of me on television, but in real life I find the world to be quite a funny place.
Gwen Ifill
#90. The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing.
Jack Paar
#91. I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.
Molly Harper
#92. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
#93. I don't really hashtag things. Unless I'm talking to somebody and I'm being funny and I say something mean but then I'm like, Hashtag ... something that's funny. I like to only hashtag funny things, not real stuff.
Bella Thorne
#94. Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
#95. You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he's a real hot-shot, and they're always asking you to do them a big favor. Just because they're crazy about themself, they think you're crazy about them, too, and that you're just dying to do them a favor. It's sort of funny, in a way.
J.D. Salinger
#96. Real racist jokes or sexist jokes aren't funny - not because they're offensive, but because they're not true. As soon as a joke is based on an untruth, it's not funny.
Ricky Gervais
#97. It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star.
Kami Garcia
#98. It's funny when people say something is "unreal" about something that is, in reality, real. I'm so guilty of it, it's real!
Ethan Luck
#99. It's funny, I started by making fake American movies, 'The Transporter' and stuff like that. I was shooting in France, but everything was in English. But then afterwards, I was looking at real French movies like the Jacques Audiard movies.
Louis Leterrier
#100. I don't know how to be like a Bill Murray or a Will Ferrell, these guys who know how to make a line funny just by, I don't know, some extra-sense perception. I only know character and emotion and real acting; that's all I know how to do.
John C. Reilly
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