Top 100 Funeral Quotes
#1. Apparently one of the most uncertain things in the world is the funeral of a religion.
Mark Twain
#2. Michael died five years ago this January, and the first thing that really struck me about the script was the part about her peeling off from the funeral and just getting into a rowboat and having a real kind of cry where nobody was.
Judi Dench
#3. I am aware that what
the body does for love
is sometimes not.
I celebrate reversals.
I watch a funeral
somewhere at sea.
Jerome Rothenberg
#4. NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that's 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan's funeral.
Conan O'Brien
#5. She would die faking her death. All she could think about was how much Marius would laugh at her funeral.
Emma Clifton
#6. I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
Les Dawson
#7. Never wear a top hat and tails and bring a saw to a funeral
Josh Stern
#8. Quite pure, quite free of future planning, I mounted
the tangled funeral pyre built for my suffering,
so sure of nothing more to buy for future needs,
while in my heart the stored reserves kept silent.
Rainer Maria Rilke
#9. The sort of lifetime achievement stuff that I'm getting now is kind of like Tom Sawyer's funeral because they all know I'm sick. I am getting buildings named after me and awards and stuff.
Sam Simon
#10. Westboro Baptist Church: STOP. Stop protesting the funerals of our soldiers who died in action because you are anti-gay. When one of you dies, I'm going to show up with a couple of gay veterans and we're going to do a musical at your funeral.
Billy Crystal
#11. I did not see your mother at the funeral,' she said, following the thought. 'She stopped coming to them after her own,' Paul answered simply.
Frances Hardinge
#12. When I'm dead I don't want a funeral. I want people to remember me alive.
Walt Disney
#13. He wore black breeches, a black doublet, and a black mask adorned with silver. How fitting that he was already dressed in mourning clothes for his own funeral.
Victoria Roberts
#14. In my dream, I built a funeral pyre.
For myself, you understand.
I thought I had suffered enough. I thought this was the end of my body: fire
seemed the right end for hunger;
they were the same thing.
Louise Gluck
#15. No matter how rich you become, how famous or how powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
Michael Prichard
#16. Bury me smilin' with G's in my pocket, Have a party at my funeral let every rapper rock it Let the hoes that I used to know, from way before Kiss me from my head to my toe, Gimme a paper and pen so I can write about my life of sin, Couple bottles of gin, in case I don't get in ...
Tupac Shakur
#17. I never go to weddings. Waste of time. Person can get married a dozen times. Lots of folks do. Family like ours, know everybody in the state of Texas and around outside, why, you could spend your life going to weddings. But a funeral, that's different. You only die once.
Edna Ferber
#18. Reuben says in many cultures, the wedding ceremony and all of it's rituals are much the same as a funeral: a transition into another phase of life.
It is like dying and being reborn, if you believe in the afterlife. If you don't believe in an afterlife, then you are toast
Suzanne Finnamore
#19. When you're at your own parents' funeral, when you're at somebody that you love's funeral, you realize how precious life is. And you say, "As long as I can walk and I'm healthy, there's always tomorrow."
Andrew Dice Clay
#20. My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Anthony Jeselnik
#21. Science advances funeral by funeral
Max Planck
#22. Nothing good comes from a death without a funeral.
Kate Morton
#23. My VIP patients often regret so many things on their deathbeds. They regret the bitterness they'll leave in people's hearts. They realize the no money, no church service, no eulogy, no funeral procession no matter how elaborate, can remove the legacy of a mean spirit.
Abraham Verghese
#24. Caution and conservatism are expected of old age; but when the young men of a nation are possessed of such a spirit, when they are afraid of the noise and strife caused by the applications of the truth, heaven save the land! Its funeral bell has already rung.
Henry Ward Beecher
#25. It amazes me that the most Christian funerals are the most barbaric funeral rites of passage that are celebrated anywhere in the world.
Steve Earle
#26. When I was a kid, I would fantasize about my own funeral.
Noah Baumbach
#27. The place was a funeral pyre for the young
who died before knowing the thirst of man
or woman. Furies with snakes in their hair
wept. Tantalus ate pears & sipped wine
in a dream, as the eyes of a vulture
poised over Tityus' liver.
Yusef Komunyakaa
#28. Certain very old people reach an age where every funeral becomes some sort of insane confirmation of strength, rather than of vulnerability, as it is when we are in our thirties or forties and our friends die.
Erica Jong
#29. On the day of the funeral he had stood behind me in the rain and let the water wash over him, the drops falling from the brim of his hat like tears
John Connolly
#30. The slaying of multitudes should be mourned with sorrow. A victory should be celebrated with the funeral rite.
Lao-Tzu
#32. I think now that is the nature of hymns-they make us want to repeat them ... they are a part of any service, and often the only part of a funeral service, that makes us feel everything is acceptable.
John Irving
#33. Addie and Louis sat down in front. She had arranged the funeral and told the minister about Ruth. He hadn't known her at all. She had stopped going to any church because of her feeling about orthodoxy and the childish ways in which churches talked and thought about God.
Kent Haruf
#34. Cheerfulness is the daughter of employment; and I have known a man come home in high spirits from a funeral, merely because he has had the management of it.
William Cornelius Van Horne
#35. 'I shall have heaven and earth for my coffin and its shell; the sun and moon for my two round symbols of jade, the stars and constellations for my pearls and jewels; and all things assisting as the mourners. Will not the provisions for my funeral be complete? What could you add to them?'
Zhuangzi
#36. But you know what? When I die, everybody is invited to come take a selfie at my funeral. Except for my enemies. They're not invited to the funeral, period.
Ezra Koenig
#37. If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again.
Stan Laurel
#38. Gerald Westerby, he told himself. You were present at your birth. You were present at your several marriages and at some of your divorces, and you will certainly be present at your funeral. High time, in our considered view, that you were present at certain other crucial moments in your history.
John Le Carre
#39. When a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present, and future, always have existed, always will
exist.
Kurt Vonnegut
#40. Life for the majority of the population.
Is an unlovely struggle against unfair odds.
Culminating in a cheap funeral.
Siegfried Sassoon
#41. A comedy ends with a wedding, and a tragedy ends with a funeral: you always have to juxtapose sex and death.
Chuck Palahniuk
#42. When elected officials abandon our environment and ruin our natural resources, public health is endangered. I know the importance of providing a clean environment for our children; I have attended more than one funeral for a child who has died from an asthma attack.
Gwen Moore
#43. Imagine yourself at your funeral. Ask yourself what you want your family and friends to say about you. How will you be remembered and what impact will you have had on other people's lives? How did you make the world a better place?
Robert Cheeke
#44. If, instead of saying that thieves will go to prison or liars will go to hell, we could make people think that stealing is as bad as going to a funeral in a coloured tie, or lying as bad as frying a sausage on the parlour fire, we should achieve a colossal reformation.
FitzRoy James Henry Somerset
#45. We were at another funeral party. I wasn't sure who had died this time, but it was a suicide, and upsetting because it was completely out of season. No on killed themselves in summertime. It was rude.
Marya Hornbacher
#46. The people who were marching at Peggy O'Hara's funeral gave the impression they were associated with the INLA, which is supposed to be on ceasefire and to have decommissioned some of their weapons. I ask if they could have honoured her in a more dignified way.
Martin McGuinness
#47. It would be so much better if the critics would come, not on first nights, but on last nights, when they could exercise their undoubted flair for funeral orations.
Orson Welles
#48. The wheel of Time wrote the first half of the poetry of mass destruction on the black board of the ashes of a funeral ground by dint of a pair of pens of nuclear bombs.
Manmohan Acharya
#49. The biggest problem is the funerals that don't exist. People call the funeral home, they pick up the body, they mail the ashes to you, no grief, no happiness, no remembrance, no nothing. That happens more often than it doesn't in the United States.
Caitlin Doughty
#50. It doesn't matter how big a ranch you own or how many cows you brand, the size of your funeral is still gonna depend on the weather.
Harry S. Truman
#51. wasn't no bit of me willing to ride shotgun to my own funeral.
J.D. Jordan
#52. the fact that I was pretty sure it was some sort of fashion faux pas to be wearing the same thing as the dead body at a funeral, and I didn't need to give anyone else the opportunity to notice. "I'm
Lisa Emme
#53. If you're ready," I say, wiping my eyes while he blows his nose, "we should head to the funeral home. Do you think they allow dogs in there?
Shaun David Hutchinson
#54. A stiff breeze lifted the hair from my head. At my feet, the city doused its lights in sleep, its buildings blackened, as if for a funeral.
Sylvia Plath
#55. Bill Clinton was doing Ku Klux Klan grand kleagel jokes at Byrd's funeral, saying, Oh, Robert C. Byrd, he used the - he was the grand kleagel. He just did what he had to do.
Sean Hannity
#56. Theodore Rex. Roosevelt was driven by ambition, idealism and vanity. As his daughter famously remarked: My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding, and the baby at every christening.
Margaret MacMillan
#57. I don't want the sort of funeral that everybody else has, but there is one hymn, a good Protestant hymn, and it is sung at all Protestant funerals, and I think I should have it sung at mine. It is called 'The Day Thou Gave Us Lord is Ended'.
Jennifer Johnston
#58. It was not lively enough for a pleasure trip; but if we had only had a corpse it would have made a noble funeral excursion.
Mark Twain
#59. A thousand times over, the death knell of the Bible has been sounded, the funeral procession formed, the inscription cut on the tombstone, and committal read. But somehow the corpse never stays put.
Bernard Ramm
#60. The only thing she really enjoyed was a funeral. You knew where you were with a corpse. Nothing more could happen to it. But while there was life there was fear.
L.M. Montgomery
#61. At her funeral, Diana's brother observed, 'Of all the ironies about Diana, perhaps the greatest was this--- a girl given the name of the ancient goddess of hunting was, in the end, the most hunted person of our modern age.
Kris Waldherr
#62. He came to the States in 1963, I think with a view to making up with my mother, but that didn't work. He came for three weeks, and drank his way all over Brooklyn. And went back ... I went to his funeral in Belfast.
Frank McCourt
#63. Why can I not stop talking? Livia watched as Cole set the dripping candles on a small table. If I die of embarrassment, they can have my funeral right here.
Debra Anastasia
#64. I'm not allergic to fashion. I'm just one of those people who when they put on a suit look like they're going to a funeral or to court.
Dave Grohl
#65. Visit me before I die. We can enjoy one another's company. A funeral is a rather one-sided affair.
Ralph Webster
#66. Oh my God. I just got dumped by a red headed mortician in a funeral home named Crummy's, after pretending to be a circus freak at a visitation I had just crashed. I was pretty sure there'd be no bouncing back from this. -Dakota Bombay
Leslie Langtry
#67. People ask me what makes a good funeral, and I tell them the most important thing is your man in the casket. If you have a man of substance in there, you have the makings of a first-class funeral.
Cleveland Amory
#68. It is like visiting one's funeral, like visiting loss in its purest and most monumental form, this wild darkness, which is not only unknown but which one cannot enter as oneself.
Harold Brodkey
#69. October is nature's funeral month. Nature glories in death more than in life. The month of departure is more beautiful than the month of coming - October than May. Every green thin loves to die in bright colors.
Henry Ward Beecher
#70. Man should ever look to his last day, and no one should be called happy before his funeral.
[Lat., Ultima semper
Expectanda dies homini est, dicique beatus
Ante obitum nemo et suprema funera debet.]
Ovid
#71. Now there is a society where the funeral industry got completely out of control.
Jessica Mitford
#72. My uncle told a great story with his life, but I think there was such a sadness at his funeral because his story wasn't finished. If you aren't telling a good story, nobody thinks you died too soon; they just think you died. But my uncle died too soon.
Donald Miller
#73. My Corolla, sorry to report, was mortally wounded in the attack. There were no funeral plans at this time.
Heather Webber
#74. His pear-shaped head, I could now see, was situated on top of a pear-shaped body, which his black gown caused to resemble a piece of fruit going to a funeral.
Clive James
#75. Two days after my dad's funeral, my mom went on a mission. I never understood it until then
that sometimes a spy doesn't need a cover so much as she needs a shield.
Ally Carter
#77. When I can no longer go forward, even by an inch, I lay my head on the ground and wait to die. I'm too tired to be frightened. Above me is blackness, and all around me is blackness, and the forest sounds are a symphony to sing me out of this world. I am already at my funeral.
Lauren Oliver
#78. The time to hesitate is through no time to wallowin the mire Try now we can only lose and our love become a funeral pyre
Jim Morrison
#79. Don't go to the funeral until the day of the funeral - live this day,
Valerie Harper
#80. I breathed in and out, perfume and smoke, perfume and smoke, and we lay like that for a long time, until I heard the seagulls crying, sadder than a funeral, and I knew it was almost morning.
Judy Blundell
#81. But through it all I held Mrs. Pettibone's words in my heart-the ones she spoke to me after the funeral when she took my hand, looked into my face and said, You've got your father's eyes.
Joan Bauer
#82. I grew up in a funeral home, born and raised, and everyone was always like, 'Well, what was that like?' and I was like, 'It was normal', because it's all I knew.
Tamara Tunie
#83. What am I most ashamed of in my life? Not keeping my promise to my sister and being too scared of America to attend her funeral.
Josephine Baker
#84. My mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don't know. I received a telegram from the old people's home: "Mother deceased. Funeral tomorrow. Very sincerely yours." That doesn't mean anything. It might have been yesterday.
Albert Camus
#85. Inheritance taxes are so high that the happiest mourner at a rich man's funeral is usually Uncle Sam.
Olin Miller
#86. Be the person they'll claim you were at your funeral.
Dan Moore
#87. As soon as people see my face on a movie screen, they knew two things: first, I'm not going to get the girl, and second, I'll get a cheap funeral before the picture is over.
Lee Marvin
#88. I think she might at least have waited till the funeral was over,' said Amanda in a scandalized voice.
'It's her own funeral, you know,' said Sir Lulworth; 'it's a nice point in etiquette how far one ought to show respect to one's own mortal remains.' ("Laura")
Saki
#89. The funeral was not a funeral. Her family called it a memorial service, because they hadn't found Diana's body yet, but everyone in New Iberia called the hour at St. Peter's a funeral, either out of respect or ignorance. The boundary was hazy.
Lauren Kate
#90. Folk take a battering but, they do; they get born and they get brought up and they get fuckt. That's the story; the cot to the fucking funeral pyre.
James Kelman
#91. AWAY with funeral music - set
The pipe to powerful lips -
The cup of life's for him that drinks
And not for him that sips.
Robert Louis Stevenson
#92. All these last offices and ceremonies that concern the dead, the careful funeral arrangements, and the equipment of the tomb, and the pomp of obsequies, are rather the solace of the living than the comfort of the dead.
Augustine Of Hippo
#93. Haul up the flag, you mourners, Not half-mast but all the way; The funeral is done and disbanded; The devil's had the final say.
Karl Shapiro
#94. Every time a woman has a period, it's a spontaneous abortion because the egg didn't take," I said, undeterred. "Are we going to start having a funeral for every used tampon?
Nick Wilgus
#95. President Bush is often out there talking about the importance of staying the course, and about the sacrifice, but he has not attended a funeral of a soldier who has fallen in Iraq.
Dana Milbank
#96. If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!
Stan Laurel
#97. The earthquakes in people's heads, half the city's population was cracked, a rabble of doom-merchants, psychos, ghouls. They could smell a funeral a mile off, and out they crawled, out of the woodwork. A funeral lit them up, it was like fuel, it kept them burning for days.
Rupert Thomson
#98. Am I grave?', he asked. 'I had an idea I was grinning from ear to ear.'
'You look as if you were taking me to a funeral. If that's a grin, your ears are very near together.
Henry James
#99. Grandma Mazur reads the obituary columns like they're part of the paper's entertainment section. Other communities have country clubs and fraternal orders. The Burg has funeral parlors. If people stopped dying, the social life of the Burg would come to a grinding halt.
Janet Evanovich
#100. Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead.
Jay Leno
