Top 100 Funeral Quotes
#1. Many punishments sometimes, and in some cases, as much discredit a prince as many funerals a physician.
Ben Jonson
#2. Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
Ronnie Barker
#3. I really want Americans, and all of us, to be less afraid of death, and know that it's a passage, but that - don't go to the funeral before the day of the funeral.
Valerie Harper
#4. A psychiatrist once told me early in treatment, "Stop trying to make me like you," and what a sobering and welcome smack in the face that statement was. Yet somehow, every day of my life is still a campaign for popularity, or better yet, a crowded funeral.
John Waters
#5. The Madiba song may have ended, but its melody lingers on.
Bantu Holomisa
#6. We may all host ourselves to death, and if we're all dead who will host our funerals?
Amy Poehler
#7. I ask a wreathwhich will not crush my head.
And there is no hurry about it;
I shall have, doubtless, a boom after my funeral,
Seeing that long standing increases all things
regardless of quality.
Ezra Pound
#8. It makes no difference what you wear, really. I'll put you in a dark grey. I believe I have some left over from a funeral. says the dressmaker.
Maryrose Wood
#9. Yesterday I fell in love,
today feels like my funeral,
I just got hit by a bus,
shouldn't have been so beautiful,
dont know why I gave my heart,
gave my trust,
gave everything.
Chris Brown
#10. Emotion, whether of ridicule, anger, or sorrow,
whether raised at a puppet show, a funeral, or a battle,
is your grandest of levellers. The man who would be always superior should be always apathetic.
Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton
#11. One simply goes around doing egoism and then ultimately he ends up on the wood of the funeral pyre; such is the pitiful state. And if one is a very good person, he will be cremated with sandalwood. But it is all wood in the end. The true victor is the one who never dies.
Dada Bhagwan
#12. The actions of the police division today will be to assist the church for the funeral. We anticipate that a fairly large crowd will be outside the church and the general area, ... We're trying to approach everything with common sense.
Thomas Streicher
#13. Thrift, thrift, Horatio! The funeral bak'd meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
William Shakespeare
#14. Can't wear it to the opera," said the Colonel, almost smiling. "Can't wear it to a funeral. Can't use it to hang myself. It's a bit useless, as ties go.
John Green
#15. Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral.
Kahlil Gibran
#16. Who would preach at the funeral? This was a question (like who cuts the barber's hair)
Stephen King
#17. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
#18. The moment one is born, the 'saw starts cutting'. People consider it as death only when the wood breaks in two pieces [during funeral]. But it was being cut from the very beginning.
Dada Bhagwan
#19. RIDER FOR THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER: . . . The actual body of AMY SCHUMER should be propped up on a chair in the northwest corner of the room, wearing aviator sunglasses and her trusted snow hat that reads, 'No Coffee, No Workee," a motto in life that she will continue to stand by in the afterlife.
Amy Schumer
#21. In some circles, admitting you love Top 40 radio is tantamount to bragging you gave your grandmother the clap, in church, in the front row at your aunt's funeral, but those are the circles I avoid like the plague or, for that matter, the clap.
Rob Sheffield
#22. When you're at a funeral and you're crying, you're crying for yourself
Thomas S. Monson
#23. When I die, nobody cry at my funeral, in fact let's all have a party; I've lived the life of ten men. I lived all my dreams and more.
Robbin Crosby
#24. I see people driving cars, winding down the streets. I don't know where these people think they're going. They're going to the funeral home; that's about it.
Frederick Lenz
#25. There's a convention that one doesn't speak ill of the dead. That's stupid, I think. The truth's always the truth. On the whole it's better to keep your mouth shut about living people. You might conceivably injure them. The dead are past that. But the harm they've done lives after them sometimes.
Agatha Christie
#26. Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who's knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that's some kind of record.
Janet Evanovich
#27. Many species of wit are quite mechanical; these are the favorites of witlings, whose fame in words scarce outlives the remembrance of their funeral ceremonies.
Johann Georg Ritter Von Zimmermann
#28. Give me a funeral over a wedding any day,.' said Uncle Montague with a sigh. 'The conversation is almost always superior.
Chris Priestley
#29. He was her father after all. True, a father whose funeral rite she planned to dance at and toast with ale, but her father just the same.
G.A. Aiken
#30. The death of every art form seems imminent at least once in every century; but while the very funeral arrangements go forward, some child is born who is Michelangelo, Picasso, Yeats.
Reynolds Price
#31. *Live fast, die young, and, leave a good looking corpse.* is dumb. When dead, looks matters not. (Furthermore, the corpse will only look good for a day, or, twelve.)
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#32. After you died I could not hold a funeral,
And so my life became a funeral.
Han Kang
#33. You listen to people, you listen so deeply that you can hear their past lives,
The crackle of their funeral pyres,
Dick Allen
#34. Non-White Arab birthrates will make White Jewish people a minority totally vulnerable to the political, social, and economic will of non-Whites Arabs. A social upheaval is now beginning to occur that will be the funeral dirge of the America Israel we love.
David Duke
#35. I grew up in a secular suburban Jewish household where we only observed the religion on very specific times like a funeral or a Bar Mitzvah.
Jesse Eisenberg
#36. I mean some doctor told me I had six months to live and I went to their funeral.
Keith Richards
#37. In our society, any man who doesn't cry at his mother's funeral is liable to be condemned to death.
Albert Camus
#38. My own funeral, I'd like to be laid out in a coffin in my own house. I would like my coffin to be put in the double parlor, and I would like all the flowers to be white.
Anne Rice
#39. Till o'er the wreck, emerging from the storm, Immortal Nature lifts her changeful form: Mounts from her funeral pyre on wings of flame, And soars and shines, another and the same.
Erasmus Darwin
#40. When the day comes, I'll get up at his funeral and break a giant stick. Then I'll head to a bar and spend the rest of the night drinking, laughing, crying... and waiting to die. Somebody bring a stick. - Amanda Palmer New York City June 26th, 2012
C. Anthony Martignetti
#41. No one has, because even in this middle age, he's sensitive, and if you say the wrong thing, he'll show the world just how sensitive he is by crying at your funeral.
Paul Beatty
#42. Never write a line you'd be ashamed to read at your own funeral.
L.M. Montgomery
#43. Sensei says funerals are not really for the dead. They are for those left behind. "The dead are long gone by the time a funeral is held," he told us. "Who would wait when the doors of Heaven are open? Only the living would be foolish enough to still hang around on earth.
Sandy Fussell
#44. View your life from your funeral, looking back at your life experiences, what have you accomplished? What would you have wanted to accomplish but didn't? What were the happy moments? What were the sad? What would you do again, and what you wouldn't
Viktor E. Frankl
#45. There was something about funerals. It made you see things better. A funeral a day and I'd be rich.
Charles Bukowski
#46. When a man dies, his wife is burned alive with him, but if the wife dies before her husband, the man does not suffer the same fate. If a man dies before marriage, he is given a posthumous wife. The women passionately want to be burned because they believe they will enter paradise.
Mas'udi
#47. If men refuse to be kindled, sparks can only burn themselves out, just as paper images and carriages burn out on the street during funerals.
Lu Xun
#48. We gotta appreciate Grandpa while he's still with us, an not save our caring for his funeral day.
V.C. Andrews
#49. Conner hadn't liked leaving the gravesite with his father still not buried. But he'd learned from his grandmother's funeral that you have to go. It's expected. Nobody hangs around the cemetary. Grief - a little or a lot - is tucked into your pocket and carried away.
Kathleen Jeffrie Johnson
#50. So die as though your funeral
Ushered you through the doors that led
Into a stately banquet hall
Where heroes banqueted.
Alan Seeger
#51. I've been in so many funeral scenes from The Sopranos, and I think I've even been in one on Sons of Anarchy. Those scenes, as a human being, are the most tedious scenes, of all time. You're waiting, all day, in the blistering hot heat. So, I didn't need to be there.
Drea De Matteo
#52. I got asked by a freelance journalist to jump in front of Princess Diana's funeral. How pathetic is that? That would have been the stupidest thing on the planet.
Mark Roberts
#53. As a neighboring funeral terrifies sick misers, and fear obliges them to have some regard for themselves; so, the disgrace of others will often deter tender minds from vice.
Horace
#54. Funerals and weddings were commonplace, and nothing could have been so interesting to them as the coming of the end of the world ... unless it had been a first-class circus.
Edward Eggleston
#55. As many bands as you heard [in New Orleans], that's how many bands you heard playing right. I thought I was in Heaven playing second trumpet in the Tuxedo Brass Band
and they had some funeral marches that would just touch your heart, they were so beautiful.
Louis Armstrong
#56. Did Gran go to a gynecologist? That is totally weird. I never thought about my grandmother's vagina before. I don't want to be thinking about my grandmother's vagina. Not here, at her funeral. In a church. While i'm doing a reading from the Bible.
Meg Cabot
#58. There are worse things than eating the dead, my dear fellow. Far worse things. There is, for instance, making a huge profit out of their funeral, which is the normal custom in the civilized world.
Leonard Wibberley
#59. A person's true wealth is the good he or she does in the world.
Nazr Mohammed
#60. You are thirty minutes late."
"Yes."
"Would you be thirty minutes late to a wedding or a funeral?"
"No."
"Why not, pray tell?"
"Well, if the funeral was mine I'd have to be on time. If the wedding was mine it would be my funeral.
Charles Bukowski
#61. Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.
Charles Lamb
#62. Emily Klein doesn't know she has killed him until the day of his funeral. Her loved ones, including, of course, her husband, are all at the church rather than at her bedside. That explains why there are no familiar faces around her this time when she regains consciousness. The
Diane Jeffrey
#63. If 180 million people want to be undead, that's their funeral, but I happen to like being alive.
E. E. Cummings
#64. We were heading into the clumsy territory of my mother's funeral, stretched-out silences, wrong smiles, the place where words didn't work.
Donna Tartt
#65. Mr. Young observed that life was a sad, sad thing - "because the joy of every new marriage a man contracted was so apt to be blighted by the inopportune funeral of a less recent bride.
Mark Twain
#66. Wouldst thou find my ashes? Look
In the pages of my book;
And as these thy hand doth turn,
Know here is my funeral urn.
Adelaide Crapsey
#67. I remember from my father's funeral that the minister kept using a metaphor about life of a prism. And I took that away like a cherished image.
Anna Deavere Smith
#68. Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it's last year's Hefty trash bag.
Dave Barry
#69. When did you last see him?" "About twenty minutes ago," I said. "In the morgue." Finlay nodded gently. "Before that?" "Seven years ago," I said. "Our mother's funeral.
Lee Child
#70. We should not expect the state to appear in the guise of an extravagant good fairy at every christening, a loquacious companion at every stage of life's journey, and the unknown mourner at every funeral.
Margaret Thatcher
#71. About Thatcher's death: Let's privatise her funeral. Put it out on competetive tender and accept the cheapest bid. That's what she would have wanted.
Ken Loach
#72. It was a perfect title, in that it crystallized the article's niggling mindlessness, its funeral parade of yawn-enforcing facts, the pseudo-light it threw upon non-problems.
Kingsley Amis
#73. She had not died there. A funeral is not death, any more than baptism is birth or marriage union. All three are the clumsy devices, coming now too late, now too early, by which society would measure the quick motions of man.
E. M. Forster
#74. Jesus ruined every funeral he attended including his own.
Bill Johnson
#75. Don't cry for the dead, for the dead is deaf, dumb, blind, lame, unemotional and dead.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#76. The formal Washington dinner party has all the spontaneity of a Japanese imperial funeral.
Simon Hoggart
#77. I never hear the rattling of dice that it does not sound to me like the funeral bell of the whole family.
Douglas William Jerrold
#78. An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral.
Mary Deasy
#79. I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness.
Carl Hiaasen
#80. The dark forest looked on fire. The trees were lit up like funeral pyres. She thought she saw bodies strapped to the trees, burning, burning, burning.
Jeanette Winterson
#81. When, with a smile, she let the dirt slip slowly across her curled palm and out the side of her hand onto the coffin, the gesture looked like the prelude to a carnal act. Clearly this was a man to whom she'd once given much thought.
Philip Roth
#82. A funeral is not death, any more than baptism is birth or marriage union. All three are the clumsy devices, coming now too late, now too early, by which Society would register the quick motions of man.
E. M. Forster
#83. Travelling with a tail-end ball club is the poorest pastime in the world. I would rather ride in the first coach of a funeral procession.
Christy Mathewson
#84. Should my decease happen in Newcastle I desire that my remains may be laid near the south porch in Saint Andrews churchyard near the remains of my dear wife, and that the least possible expence may be laid out on my interment. Charles Avison
Charles Avison
#86. It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!
Chris Tucker
#87. I like a decent funeral, and God knows in my family we've seen enough of them. Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of 'Dad's Army.'
Matt Roper
#88. I can't think of a more wonderful thanksgiving for the life I have had than that everyone should be jolly at my funeral
Lord Mountbatten
#90. If you thought it was my goddamned fault, couldn't you have called me and told me he was gone? it would have been fucking plus to come to his fucking funeral, you bloodless whore - you ever think of that?
Amy Lane
#91. They were both smiling so hard, it was surprising the frame could contain the happiness of that moment, surprising that it didn't shatter into a million pieces, floating all over the funeral home like dust.
Liz Welch
#92. How quickly, how neatly the chaos of a living person could be reduced to an insignificant box.
Josh Lanyon
#93. The introduction of the doctrine of polygamy was the first time in my life that I desired the grave, and I could hardly get over it for a long time. And when I saw a funeral, I felt to envy the corpse its situation.
Brigham Young
#94. Don't wait for a funeral to pay a compliment. You may not make it in time.
Harvey MacKay
#95. To the solemn graves, near a lonely cemetery, my heart like a muffled drum is beating funeral marches.
Charles Baudelaire
#96. I checked myself out in that funeral parlour scene. I saw myself laughing, because there was a shot of Ed and I together and Mary was right in back of us. My head turned from the camera and I saw myself laughing, because Mary was absolutely brilliant in that thing.
Gavin MacLeod
#97. Nature never quite goes along with us. She is somber at weddings, sunny at funerals, and she frowns on ninety-nine out of a hundred picnics.
Alexander Smith
#98. Someday I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds Are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me
Eva Cassidy
#99. The test of your worldview is not how you act in the good times. The test of your worldview is how you act at the funeral. Having been through literally hundreds if not thousands of funerals: ... It makes a difference what you believe.
Rick Warren
#100. Rome - the city of visible history, where the past of a whole hemisphere seems moving in funeral procession with strange ancestral images and trophies gathered from afar.
George Eliot
