Top 37 Divorce Humor Quotes
#1. If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?
Neil S. Plakcy
#2. Divorce is success. Failure is staying married to a person you no longer love.
Ben Tolosa
#3. Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."
She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away.
"I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#5. It won't be whiskey, won't be meth
It'll be your name on my last breath
If divorce or death ever do us part
The coroner will call it a broken heart
The Band Perry
#6. Daddy is jive talking
and showering the stripper
Mommy is sleepwalking
while changing baby's diaper
Casey Renee Kiser
#7. Divorce runs high these days, but I'm an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.
Bauvard
#8. Maybe part of find what you wanted was recognizing what you didn't want. Maybe there was hope for me yet.
Claire Cook
#10. The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that's bad luck. You know what's worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I've read studies. It's like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some.
Hank Moody
#11. Colby better not bring me home Bambi, or I just might want to divorce him
Jody Morse
#12. He's half my ex-husband's age, but twice as energetic when we have sex. And twice as grateful afterwards.
Barbara Taylor Bradford
#13. Hold the bottle up to the light; you will see your dreams are always at the bottom.
Rob Hutchison
#15. Hey lady." Sandy wrapped her arms around Darcy's neck and kissed her cheek quickly. "So, are we burning anything of his in some occult ritual that will curse him and all his unborn children till the end of their days, or are we just going to key his car?
D.A. Rhine
#16. Cats, I decided, had certain advantages over men. There were loyal without being sycophantic, independent without being absent, and affectionate without being rapacious. That they choke up balls of fur and leave dead rodents at my feet is unfortunate. But it is not grounds for divorce.
Betsy Tobin
#17. It's hard to imagine, seeing all of us breathing yet one day each of us shall be gone, leaving memories.
Auliq Ice
#18. Life - with or without softener- is hard
Kate Papas
#19. WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?! Oh, right.$1500."
From "Clown Porn" in "Broken Headbone
Ginny McMath
#20. Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#21. Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.
Honeya
#22. If she'd kept up her AAA membership, she would have called them, but after the divorce, she'd had to cut some things out. Roadside assistance was one of them. Aargh.
Melody Snow Monroe
#23. Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.
Stephen Colbert
#25. Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?
Natasha Leggero
#26. There's life after divorce, Sarah,' my father proclaimed, not that he'd ever been divorced.
Claire Cook
#27. His Grace called Virginius in and said: "Do you think a priest of the Anglican Communion should be a divorced man with two wives living?" That's the way he talks. And do you know what Virginius said? He said: "Your Grace, if it weren't for divorce, there wouldn't be an Anglican Communion.
Florence King
#28. Love is not a landmine but a sinkhole.
Auliq Ice
#29. Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife
Shelley Winters
#30. You and I both know that love is for children,' he said. 'We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.'
'Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,' Teresa replied. 'Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit.
Maggie Stiefvater
#32. It turns out there is something worse than attending a wedding where you don't know anyone: attending a wedding where you know six people, and they are all your ex-husband's best friends.
Lauren F. Winner
#33. Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce ... ?
Josh Stern
#34. For those who have true love, have no limits of expressing their love to one another yet it is a sad fact that those who are searching for love, fear expressing their love to even those who love them.
Auliq Ice
#35. I divorce myself from listeners who aren't tolerant of humor. I did notice universally that, especially when it comes to weight, people look in the mirror and get the angle just right, tell themselves it's all right, and then they go out.
Ben Folds
#36. It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Frank Carson
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