Top 100 Paranormal Humor Quotes
#1. WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? THE MAN'S A VAMPIRE!
Yeah, but he's a really, REALLY sexy one.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#2. The little weasel ripped all the buttons off my couch.
Ivan Petrovsky, pg 350
Kerrelyn Sparks
#4. Now," said Brandons low, cold voice. "Lets not be rude eve.
Rachel Caine
#5. you don't have the luxury of whipping out your dicks and seeing who's bigger
Alanea Alder
#6. You will show that thing to me and from now on, I will deal with them."
I opened my eyes really wide and fluttered my eyelashes at him. "I'm sorry, I must've missed your coronation ceremony. Silly me.
Ilona Andrews
#7. I hadn't realized she could shrink ... It makes sense now with the tricks Ari was able to perform with her."
"She wasn't born that way. Her mother was a scientist working to reduce subatomic particles."
"And whose mom isn't?" Raven joked. "Was Rick Moranis involved somehow?
J.T. Bock
#8. Well, of course. But, we already knew that. I mean ... I am kind of a big deal-Matt Carter
Natasha Larry
#9. And you had to do that in a thunderstorm pissing down like a camel?
Poppet
#10. I'm not above using unsavory beings to kick the Gods' asses, but the Phantoms are too unpredictable for my taste, I said.
Laura Kreitzer
#11. Where you been, girl?" Harvey answered. "I've been sendin' you twits for the last hour.
Ann Charles
#12. I quite enjoy the banter actually. I mean, you don't meet many females who can come back at you as fast as you can throw it out at them. I prefer a more graphic dialogue as a forerunner to sex though: if they have the guts to spell it out for me in glorious Technicolor that always gets my interest.
Poppet
#13. Colby better not bring me home Bambi, or I just might want to divorce him
Jody Morse
#14. Hey!" Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. "No man left behind."
Nick scoffed. "This aint' the army, boy. It's every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#15. You're apologizing? Seriously, what happened to you? Have you been taken over by a pod person?
Dianne Duvall
#16. Paranormal. It rolls off the tongue with such poetry but it means something like, beyond normal. There is nothing paranormal about magic. Magic is the norm.
- Penny Sweeney
Magic All Around
Marcy L. Peska
#17. So, let me guess. You want me to give you flea baths?" They all wagged their tails excitedly at the idea.
Jody Morse
#18. You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey."
"Karl, we're not fourteen!"
"Don't bloody care. I was in love with you when I was fourteen
your neck owes me a hickey."
(Karl & Elena)
Dianna Hardy
#19. How is it that I am completely naked while you haven't shed even one stitch of clothing?"
"Because you were dinner, Rebecca."
A snort escaped, mixing with her laughter. "Remind me to have dinner with you more often. I have been missing out."
"You? What about me?
Krystal Shannan
#20. The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. 'It's not what you think,' she said. 'It was just - oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now, what?
Rachel Caine
#21. The telltale clenching of hands into fists is all the invitation I need as I close the gap to hound his personal space.
Suck on my aura you spineless shit!
Poppet
#22. Something you killed didn't stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin.
Christopher Farnsworth
#23. I might be half Derek's size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods.
Kelley Armstrong
#24. What would you suggest?" one of the Italian officials asked.
"We do have a highly-advanced biological device called the Illuminator," Joseph chimed in
Laura Kreitzer
#25. You're not going to campus. You're going out to get drunk and play with other ladies' boobies. - Kye
Krista Alasti
#27. I glared at Christian as the blood smeared around. "You could have at least licked it."
He smirked darkly. "I hear that all too often.
Dannika Dark
#28. Ghost Hampton" took me years to write -- but it won't take you that long to read!
Ken McGorry
#29. What good is it to be rich if we canna scrape up the scratch to buy a political prisoner on a whim?
Kresley Cole
#30. Thank you for that, boy genius! Where did you graduate from? Hogwarts School for the Mentally Unbalanced?
Leia Shaw
#31. Gavin, Logan, Calix. Was there a sale on trendy names when they were born, or something?
Keri Lake
#32. Anyone who discounts you is a dumbass," I muttered as the golf cart jerked forward.
"And are you a dumbass?" the Pigeon inquired as she peeked under the tarp.
"Absolutely not ... I'm a smartass.
Robyn Peterman
#33. Fuck you and the paranormal horse you rode in on.
C.L. Bevill
#34. V shook his head. "Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How'd you like that anywhere near a female you loved?"
Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage's body.
"We're going to need a shitload of steel," the human muttered.
J.R. Ward
#35. You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said.
Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window."
"Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it."
"Twice."
"Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.
J.R. Ward
#36. I dry heaved, forcing myself to try and not chuck up my guts. I had been f**ked by an insect man.
Mark Alders
#37. He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look so good!
Leia Shaw
#38. Death was hardest on the living. - Cody Forester, Wolfsbane Brew
Roxanne Smolen
#39. No, really," I said. "Now that we know that Flores is really this nasty, fiery, superpowerful nothing-can-kill-me demon from hell, maybe we should consider just giving Christy to him?
Patricia Briggs
#40. She walks a tightrope between psycho and smokin'.
Daniel Marks
#41. Zorro pulled her into his arms and crushed her against his body, kissing her soundly on the mouth.
"My, what a big sword you have, sir," she said, sweeping her hand over his sheathed sword.
"I'm fully armed," he said, "with that and more.
Terry Spear
#42. You think us fairies don't understand sarcasm? We invented sarcasm.
Grace Hudson
#43. Did you meet your soul mate? That always happens on the first day of school, right?'
'Oh God, Charlie, she's letting you read again! You went straight to the paranormal section, didn't you?
Francesca Zappia
#44. Pushed times make a monkey chew pepper.~ Creole proverb. (challenging times inspire unique actions)
Myra Jolivet
#45. You rented the apartment with a dead guy in the corner?" I shrugged. "I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something.
Darynda Jones
#46. Been there, done that. I'm sure I've got a T-shirt somewhere to prove it.
Thea Harrison
#47. He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there?
(Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen)
Dianna Hardy
#48. I've been wearing my super gown because someone won't let me go get maternity clothes because they are being a paranoid, drama bear
Alanea Alder
#49. So the owner of a monster head wants to meet on a path named Nut," I said. "That's appropriate.
Lisa Shearin
#50. You're just begging for a piece of me, you know that?" she growled. "I don't know what gave you the idea I've lowered my standards, but I assure you, I haven't. I want no part of you.
Gena Showalter
#51. Despite what you think you know, most people don't want to fight, especially when evenly matched. ... That's why you see those pissed young men doing the dance of "don't hold me back" while desperately hoping someone likes them enough to hold them back.
Ben Aaronovitch
#52. We need a full coven...nine women...twelve's better. Do you have any friends?"
Characters, Aunt Jett and Aunt Frances to character, Sally Owens, from the movie "Practical Magic".
Robin Swicord
#53. I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo's presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions.
M.A. George
#54. Great. There goes our security deposit."
~ Sean
Dianne Duvall
#55. Hanks grin almost sent me into meltdown. The kind where I killed him, but first I would stick my tongue down his throat and ride him till he was blind.
Robyn Peterman
#56. Get your fang boner under control. Your freaking out my person
Alanea Alder
#57. Being dead is highly overrated. It's no fun at all.
Mythe: A Fairy Tale
P.J. Gordon
#59. Congrats, bro. You've just sold your soul to the devil. Wait. You don't have a soul.
Jayde Scott
#60. I stared. Canadian Satanists? You're sending me to a group of Canadian Satanists?
Richelle Mead
#61. Lothaire is very much alive."
"You swear?"
"Often. Though not as much as foul-mouthed Regin. I try not to in front of Bertil." She petted the bat.
"I meant - will Lothaire live?"
"He will.
Kresley Cole
#62. Noontime was absolutely the perfect time for a duel in the dragon's opinion as this was also lunchtime, his favorite part of the day. As the saying went, he could kill two birds with one stone.
Sully Tarnish
#63. Holy crap, you are like a dog with a bone," I commented to Ryan.
"Or just one with a boner.
Stacey Marie Brown
#65. Violet Lynn Parker, you'd better spill or I'll start bellowing 'Happy Birthday' to you in my Bobcat Goldthwait voice.
Ann Charles
#66. I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.
Meghan Ciana Doidge
#67. Haylee shook her head as soon as they were gone. Christ, how can our family be mankind's best hope?
Natasha Larry
#68. Sam: "Don't think I don't know that you're lying there planning deaths."
Jared: "What can I say? I have weird hobbies.
Suzanne Wright
#69. The cleanest civilization I've ever seen ... and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt?
M.A. George
#70. Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine's pink with
rhinestones.
Kiersten White
#72. Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
Rachel Caine
#73. Writing is my dream. From romance to dragons; fairies to fantasy worlds, this is where I live and play. Thanks be to God!
Lisa Hannah Wells
#74. He's lighting up my life and I don't even know his name. He's already perfect.
Poppet
#75. You have a mother?"
His mouth quirked with humor.
"Yep, and a father too! Every kid normally has one of each to begin with.
He was teasing me in an affectionate way...
Terry Spear
#76. I suggest you leave now, or you'll be tied down and gagged until the end of this meeting."
"Tie us down?"
"And gag you," Joseph cheerfully reminded them.
Laura Kreitzer
#77. In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn't try to make me his next meal.
Rose Wynters
#78. I spread my arms. In the Rainbow Jungles of Ever there lives what I affectionately call, killer ducks.
Jen Wylie
#79. Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
J.R. Ward
#80. He peered down at me. "Jesus Christ. You're leaking."
If by "leaking" he meant "sobbing like a girl," I guess so.
Lili St. Crow
#81. It felt like he'd been dragged through the nine circles of hell - by his testicles.
Kay Berrisford
#82. There's a time and a place for everything. ... Yes. This is my time and you are in my place.
Poppet
#83. She never even wore stockings; just those bullet proof tights that you see on old maids.
Poppet
#84. Good news is, we're annoying him. Bad news is, we're all going to die painfully.
Brandy Nacole
#85. Herbs, vials, and crap," I grumble. "Where are the massive weapons and spirit fighting spears?"
"So impatient," Cooper says, mocking, and goes to pick up a tube filled with powder. "You know, these herbs and vials and crap are important."
"Yes, because crap always sounds necessary.
Brandy Nacole
#87. Demons were all about ego, which meant that most demons had some kind of title. I think it made them feel better about their tiny ... pitchforks.
E.J. Stevens
#88. My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.
I was never a Boy Scout but "Be Prepared" is still a good motto to live by. Especially if you plan to keep living.
Justin Gustainis
#89. Hell hath no fury like a queen scorned. ...
... That would be the last time he made a crack about being a flamer to someone with a flamethrower for hands. Though he'd really lost it when Raven sang the lyric to Disco Inferno.
J.T. Bock
#90. You can't adopt people like kittens! Aiden growled.
'I wouldn't know; someone wouldn't let me get a kitten', Meryn retorted.
'Fine, you can have a kitten, no people'
'Too late
Alanea Alder
#91. It's complicated. He's not ... ' Human? 'He's playing hard to get.
Nicki Elson
#92. More dangerous than being in a house full of vampires? I think I'll take my chances, Mr. Fallinsworth."
"I think we're way past formalities here since my cock has been inside that hot, wet, delicious body of yours.
K.L. Kreig
#93. Honey, that man would do anything to keep you. Lie, steal, cheat, kill, clean up after himself, and do laundry.
Alisa Sheckley
#94. Amy," Elsie Moore said in her crackling voice, her gaze fixed on Declan. "I want you to get me a new bear. A blond one.
Ilona Andrews
#95. I'll email you, he says as if he's asking me into the cellar to taste his vintage champagne.
Poppet
#96. Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you'll never get your balls back. - Simon Hunt
Dannika Dark
#97. Tell you what, you let me go, and I'll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I'm slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.
J.R. Ward
#98. Well, isn't this just perfect," Kyle commented. "We need to go rough up a big bad wolf, and half the pack is already leaving.
Jody Morse
#99. He didn't know when he was going to get the chance to play WoW again. And it was damn important to do his bit to save all life on Azeroth while he could.
Thea Harrison
#100. Ever since I saw you" - she pulled me closer and draped both of my legs over her shoulders. Her eyes blazed with hunger - "I have just wanted to eat you up.
Elizabeth Morgan
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
